I hate it. I hate myself. I hate feeling this way. I hate myself for feeling this way. I am just so bloody tired all the time. And when I am tired my depression gets worse. Much, much worse. Throw into the mix the DBMFH (dragon bitch mother from hell) who decided to use christmas day to tell me how sucky I and my siblings are as her children and how much she hates life and how it isn't worth living. So now all I want to do is self harm. I am full of emotions I don't know what to do with or how to deal with. I feel like I have to just suck it up and that I can't fall to pieces and so the only way I know how to cope with such an internal emotional mess is to self harm.
I began self harming as a teenager when my dad was dying from cancer and I was trying to deal with that and the physical, emotional and sexual abuse. It was the only way I could get by from day to day without killing myself. And so I self harmed on and off for about 4 years. When I moved out of home I no longer needed to but I have never learned a better way to deal with very intense emotions. I just want to cry but I can't. I just can't let go. I am scared I will fall to pieces and not be able to pull myself back together again. I am just exhausted.
How can I feel like this when I have such a beautiful daughter? I think for me that is probably the hardest thing of all. How can I want to harm myself or give up on living when I have such a precious child who is so beautiful and so wonderful? I swear my head just doesn't make sense. I wonder if it ever did?
