Took the plunge... and.....

I finally took the plunge and have made an appointment to see a clincial psych. I've had the referral for 2 months now but I was feeling 'good' and didn't want to go and see someone and get upset. So then I decided maybe that would be a good time to see someone and learn strategies for dealing with negative emotions that don't involve me wanting to harm myself. And then things got bad again so it's probably a really good time to see someone and learn some strategies.

I finally decided to share another story from my life. I haven't ever told anyone this. It's not bad, it's just.. I dunno... read it for yourself.

In my early 20's, when I had been out of home for a couple of years and the full realisation of just how wrong my childhood experiences and my relationship with my mother was had hit home, I was very depressed and seriously suicidal. There were many nights when I would park at Strzlecki Lookout and contemplate just taking that final step. One day, everything became too much. I was lying on the lounge in the unit I was renting and I finally decided that that was it. I just couldn't deal with the pain anymore. I wanted out so badly. I went to get up off the lounge and I couldn't move. It was like there was a big, invisible hand holding me down. I tried and tried to get up and I couldn't move any of my limbs. I stayed stuck there, unable to move, for a couple of long, gut wrenching sob filled hours, until I had made the decision not to kill myself. And then I could move.

I know who was holding me down. I know, without God, I wouldn't be here today and pretty much no one would have known why because I hadn't talked to anyone about any of the abuse. I know I owe God my life here on earth and I know I owe Him my eternal life. I just wish my head and heart could connect the dots.

So anyway, I just wanted to share a very real and very powerful example of God working in my life. I get so shitty at myself for not trusting Him now, for doubting and feeling so lost and abandoned. Surely that time was enough to show me once and for all that God truly does exist and does care for me. Perhaps I just need to remember it more often.

The music of my life

I was thinking today about why I was feeling so blah and as I was thinking I had a whole bunch of lines from songs running through my head that seemed to sum up where I am at. So I thought I'd write them... for no real reason except to maybe get them out of my head so I can go to sleep tonight.

The first is compliments of Buffy the Vampire Slayer -

"Hoping no one knows
I'm just going through the motions
Walking through the part
Nothing seems to penetrate my heart...
Will I stay this way forever
Sleep walk through my life's endeavour...
I don't want to be going through the motions
Losing all my drive I can't even see
If this is really me and I just want to be alive"

I feel like I am sleep walking through my life, numb and afraid to feel or to allow myself to truly feel the depth of my pain, heartache and despair.

And the second compliments of Robbie Williams-

"Cursed since your birth dear
And your worst fears have all come true"

This really is my 'anthem' at the moment. I truly do feel like I have been cursed. I don't mean cursed as in, cursed so that the abuse happened. I mean cursed as in I feel that I am beyond God's reach of acceptance and forgiveness. And my worst fear is that those feelings are true. That I am completely, utterly and permanently separated from God. I don't know why but I feel like, even before I was born, for some reason God said "this one is so dirty, so bad, so worhtless and unlovable I will have nothing to do with it". And the silence in response to my prayers seems to justify those thoughts and feelings. I know from the Bible and what I've been told that "nothing can separate us from the love of God" but I don't feel it. And I have prayed and prayed for 2 years that that will change. And it hasn't. And so of course I can't help but believe that I am truly cursed, truly so worthless and despised, that I am beyond God's reach. I thought doing the spiritual maturity course at church might help - might help me to finally connect with God, might finally connect what I know intellectually in my head but what my heart fails to accept, but no, it hasn't.

Finally, from Tenth Avenue North -

How long must I pray, must i pray to You
How long must I wait, must I wait for You
How long til I see Your face
See You shining through
I'm on my knees begging You to notice me
I'm on my knees Father will You turn to me

One tear in the driving rain
Once voice in the sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart
One life, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Won't You come close and hold my heart

But I think the answer to that is a resoundig NO.

Currently in a deep, dark, lonely space. I know I will come out of it but I am stuck at the moment. COmpletely, utterly stuck and completely, utterly spent. Ah the rollercoaster of depression!

Overwhelmed and Humbled

Well, I have been trying to think of what to say for a couple of days but all of the words I come up with seem so inadequate for what I am feeling. I have been feeling so awed and humbled and grateful to my wonderful friends.

I have always felt like what happened to me as a child was my fault and that it made me feel so dirty, so ashamed and embarrassed. It was like some great big, ugly, black, putrescent, festering sore on my back, weighing me down and I was too ashamed to show it.

But I took the step of showing me for who I am and my friends have been there for me and supported me. None of them turned away from me or rejected me. None of them made me feel belittled, ashamed or small. All of them have been there for me, to just love and accept me as I am. And I am amazed and humbled. I don't deserve that loving kindness but I am grateful to each and every one of them for their support.

I feel light. I thought I would want to hide away from you all; scared to show my face, scared to see your face, your reaction to me. But it has been nothing like that. I feel like some of my burden has been lifted and that maybe there is hope for me yet. I feel like maybe, finally, I can be healed.

Thank you, to all of you wonderful, loving, amazing, supportive ladies. You will never know how much your friendship means to me.