ATC Background Swap

I love participating in ATC Background Swaps. This one was hosted on Stamphappy. The idea is that I make 9 identical ATC backgrounds. The easiest way to do this is to creat an A4 page of background and then cut it into 9 ATCs. These are then sent to the hostess of the swap who sends one of mine and 8 other people's back to me to decorate, and 8 other people each get one of my backgrounds to decorate. Once they are all decorated, they get sent back to the hostess who then sends me back all 9 of my background ATCs that are decorated and interpreted in so many different ways and styles.

So here are the backgrounds I received to decorate. Mine is the top left hand one. I am really looking forward to seeing what all my backgrounds look like when they come home to me again.



And here are the same ones now I've decorated them. My favourites are 3, 4 and 5,

new year, new beginnings

I just want to write, not about anything in particular.

Firstly, I am over this constant pain from my slipped disc. It's been 3 months but the constant discomfort is starting to wear me down and make me tired and grumpy. I've noticed my levels of frustration tolerance are rapidly decreasing and I am struggling to maintain my composure with DD when she is grumpy, whingey or whiny. I love her dearly but my ability to cope is eroding because of the constant pain. I am hoping it is going to get better soon.

Secondly we are going back to ivf. The thought of it sends my anxiety levels pretty high because I dread hearing "I'm sorry, but I'm not seeing what I should be..." which happened twice at 8 weeks pregnancy. I know I've got to get there first and that means living in hope that I have a successful cycle but I'm not sure how I will manage the cycles of hope and despair.  I'm also doubting the wisdom because of my back; if it is giving me so much grief, how much worse would it be if I got pregnant? 

All I can do is pray and trust that God has a plan and believe that, as it says in the bible, "all things work together for the good of those who love God, who are called according to His purpose". I don't yet see how my infertility and miscarriages can work for my good but I am trusting and waiting and assuming it will all make sense one day - maybe not until heaven - and that somehow it will work for my good. And in addition to praying, I am going to concentrate on my diet by eating healthier, strengthening my back and my fitness, all in preparation for a successful pregnancy. But I want to know how to do these things without a positive pregnancy becoming all consuming. I don't know how so I might try to see the ivf counsellor for a chat prior to starting my cycle.

 I am finding though, that in all of the stress over cutting my mother from my life and now ivf, I am starting to withdraw from my friends. It seems too hard, too much energy and I feel over sensitive to everything at the moment, which often leaves me feeling unloved, uncared for and overlooked. I'm sure it is my old insecurities raising their ugly head because my stress and anxiety levels are already high and my coping ability is low, but knowing it hasn't yet stopped me from feeling it, if that makes sense.