I just didn't know what to call this post.
I thought I would be sadder than I am about removing mum from my life. I thought I would be devastated, but I am not. I am coping way better than I thought. My psych thinks I will need to grieve for the loss; the loss of the mother I had hoped for and hadn’t stopped hoping for, but so far there is no grief. I feel relief and freedom, which is wonderful after 30-something years of hyper vigilance, worry, fear, grief and pain. Of course, I still feel guilt because “you just don’t do that to your mother” but I am not sure where that nagging voice is coming from. Is it from years of mum’s perception of family that has permeated my thinking and beliefs? Is it because I fear what society would say? Is it fear of what my friends would think? And I guess, in response to that nagging thought, I need to think about the fact that mum has never been a mum really, in the true sense of the word. She doesn’t deserve that title, so why should I not remove her from my life?
It is weird, I have hardly taken my antidepressants these last 2 weeks and yet I am feeling mentally healthier than I have done in a long time. Could my depression really be almost solely because of mum? Surely not? Interesting. I think I might talk to my gp and psych about maybe cutting back the dose with a view to weaning, or would that be a bad idea given we are thinking about trying to conceive again. OK, so I’ve been thinking about that a lot, DH hasn’t and we haven’t really talked about it until recently. It seems life is out to thwart us at every turn though. Last month I had a nasty chest infection and was too sick to try to conceive. This month DH has a rash in a “sensitive” place. We think it is probably just heat because he was doing a lot of outdoors work and sweating a lot but I’m not willing to risk it…. ewww! The previous month was out for some other reason. January we tried without success And I saw our ivf guy but until our house sells we don’t have the money to go back down that path. So, will the trying to conceive journey be too hard, too challenging to give up my antidepressants? If the past is anything to go by, probably, but perhaps I could cut it back significantly, as I’ve been on a pretty high dose.
I am going to do a crafty canvas with the words “I am loved by those who matter” to remind me that I don’t need mum’s love, affection and approval. Time has proven, and she has proven over and over again, that I am never going to get it, so I need to stop hoping, trying, striving and accept that and accept the love I have from the people in my life who matter. And I know I am truly blessed in my life, surrounded by so many wonderful people who know me and still love me.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
It's the end of the world as we know it.....
OK, so the earth is still turning…. so far……we will have to see what happens in the next 3-7 days, depending on Australia Post.
Today I sent a letter to my mother saying that at this point in time I don’t want to have a relationship with her. I will put a copy of the letter up here later. It was with very mixed feelings that I put the letter in the red post box; part of me is terrified, part of me feels relief that it is finally over.
It certainly isn’t something I have done lightly. In fact, I have had a lot of stress, anxiety and sleepless nights for the past 2 weeks while I think and pray and process and decide what is the right thing to do.
It helps a bit that when I told my psych about my conversation with mum, the first thing she said to me was “how many times are you going to go back for more?” and it dawned on me how ridiculous it is to go back over and over, hoping for her love and acceptance, hoping for her to be my mother, only to have those hopes dashed, and not just dashed but spat upon. How many times am I going to go back just so she can hurt me again? My psych doesn't normally give people strong/directive advice but she said to me I needed to stop trying to have a relationship with mum. She said because my mother is so damaging, I will never get well (I hate the word well being used for me)while ever I still have contact with her. She's right. I am not well enough/strong enough to set boundaries with mum, to call her on her crap and not take it on board as my own. I might on the odd occasion but it all just starts creeping back in and before I realise it, the old patterns and behaviours are happening again and I am helpless to stop them. Maybe in the future I will be able to havea relationship with her. But cutting her out of my life is so hard to do because she is my mother and it seems wrong.
And so I am struggling with my decision. Part of me wants to climb into the post box and pull the letter back out. Part of me is feeling a lot of relief at the thought that I am finally done;
done with the emotional manipulation
done with walking on eggshells to avoid upsetting her
done with feeling responsible for her and her emotions
done trying to make her happy
done getting in trouble for stuff that I don't need to be in trouble for
done being on the receiving end of her anger when it isn't me she is angry at, I am just convenient
done being the adult in the relationship
done waiting for the next criticism or the next verbal punch
done expecting or hoping she will be my mother
just done
And it is freeing to think I won't have to put up with any of that again. There is a weight that has lifted, but still I am doubting and second guessing myself, wondering and worrying.
So, I guess the next 3-7 days will be interesting as I wait for Australia Post to deliver my letter. After our conversation 2 weeks ago it is obvious I couldn't have a phone conversation with her about it. I have asked her not to contact me. Perhaps I should have specified by email, letter or phone. It will be interesting to see if she honours that request or not.
I am scared. The little girl inside me is scared that I am going to be in a world of trouble. The adult part of me thinks "stuff it. I can deal with it". oh the joys of life in a dysfunctional, abusive family. I guess I have another week of stress, anxiety, worry and sleepless nights.
Today I sent a letter to my mother saying that at this point in time I don’t want to have a relationship with her. I will put a copy of the letter up here later. It was with very mixed feelings that I put the letter in the red post box; part of me is terrified, part of me feels relief that it is finally over.
It certainly isn’t something I have done lightly. In fact, I have had a lot of stress, anxiety and sleepless nights for the past 2 weeks while I think and pray and process and decide what is the right thing to do.
It helps a bit that when I told my psych about my conversation with mum, the first thing she said to me was “how many times are you going to go back for more?” and it dawned on me how ridiculous it is to go back over and over, hoping for her love and acceptance, hoping for her to be my mother, only to have those hopes dashed, and not just dashed but spat upon. How many times am I going to go back just so she can hurt me again? My psych doesn't normally give people strong/directive advice but she said to me I needed to stop trying to have a relationship with mum. She said because my mother is so damaging, I will never get well (I hate the word well being used for me)while ever I still have contact with her. She's right. I am not well enough/strong enough to set boundaries with mum, to call her on her crap and not take it on board as my own. I might on the odd occasion but it all just starts creeping back in and before I realise it, the old patterns and behaviours are happening again and I am helpless to stop them. Maybe in the future I will be able to havea relationship with her. But cutting her out of my life is so hard to do because she is my mother and it seems wrong.
And so I am struggling with my decision. Part of me wants to climb into the post box and pull the letter back out. Part of me is feeling a lot of relief at the thought that I am finally done;
done with the emotional manipulation
done with walking on eggshells to avoid upsetting her
done with feeling responsible for her and her emotions
done trying to make her happy
done getting in trouble for stuff that I don't need to be in trouble for
done being on the receiving end of her anger when it isn't me she is angry at, I am just convenient
done being the adult in the relationship
done waiting for the next criticism or the next verbal punch
done expecting or hoping she will be my mother
just done
And it is freeing to think I won't have to put up with any of that again. There is a weight that has lifted, but still I am doubting and second guessing myself, wondering and worrying.
So, I guess the next 3-7 days will be interesting as I wait for Australia Post to deliver my letter. After our conversation 2 weeks ago it is obvious I couldn't have a phone conversation with her about it. I have asked her not to contact me. Perhaps I should have specified by email, letter or phone. It will be interesting to see if she honours that request or not.
I am scared. The little girl inside me is scared that I am going to be in a world of trouble. The adult part of me thinks "stuff it. I can deal with it". oh the joys of life in a dysfunctional, abusive family. I guess I have another week of stress, anxiety, worry and sleepless nights.
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