Sorry for the language in the title but that is exactly how I am feeling today. Today is the first day of starting ivf, well, we're not actually starting today. Today was just the first blood test in a series to detect ovulation so they can do an embryo transfer. If I am already a nervous ball of anxiety, how bad will I be as this cycle progresses? I'm not sure I will be able to function during the two week wait.
This is what I am worried about (thanks to Wicked... it seems to be the soundtrack of my life right now)....
"every so often we long to steal to the land of what might have been, but that cannot soften the ache we feel when reality sets back in"
I am worried about this cycle failing... that reality will be we still don't have another child, and it is going to hurt so much.
Well, that's what I am calling day 1 of our ivf journey....
just a ps... I have decided I am anxious about this cycle, and I am anxious about my anxiety over this cycle and I am also axnious that my anxiety over my anxiety for this cycle will cause the cycle to fail. I am such a nutcase!
EDITED TO ADD: Blood test result showed very low hormone levels so next blood test isn't until Friday. I am feeling better about this as it puts a very big break between this blood test (which fell on teh dragon bitch mother from hell's birthday and seemed a very bad omen) and the next one which is more likely to lead into the ivf cycle. I also feel I have a bit of breathing space so I can stop panicking - yay!
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Gratitude
This morning on the way to work I was praying following the ACTS approach (Adoration, Confession, Thanksgiving and Supplication) and when I got to T I began to thank God for all of the friends I have in my life who I can count on for different things.
I have friends who:
* I can share my most personal stuff with,
* friends I can cry with,
* friends whose door step I could turn up on in the middle of the night and they would love me any way :D (and possibly offer to kill DH for me lol!)
* friends who I know care about me (and dare I say it, love me),
* friends I can just hang with
* friends who are more than acquaintances but not, well, best friends.
I have the following people I am ever so grateful for(in no particular order):
KS, NG, MH, AP, HA, ME, DE, DL, LF, FS, JA, DA, RK, TO, AH, BM, RM, CH, RH
This is from someone who, a couple of years ago, was very sad at not having any friends and feeling very lonely and unloved. Now I am swamped with kind, wonderful, caring people, all because I decided to take a risk, get to know people and be a friend. Previously I was so shy and insecure, I figured no one would like me and that I had nothing to offer. I let go of all of the crap and negative self talk, stepped outside myself and now, look how truly lucky I am.
I have friends who:
* I can share my most personal stuff with,
* friends I can cry with,
* friends whose door step I could turn up on in the middle of the night and they would love me any way :D (and possibly offer to kill DH for me lol!)
* friends who I know care about me (and dare I say it, love me),
* friends I can just hang with
* friends who are more than acquaintances but not, well, best friends.
I have the following people I am ever so grateful for(in no particular order):
KS, NG, MH, AP, HA, ME, DE, DL, LF, FS, JA, DA, RK, TO, AH, BM, RM, CH, RH
This is from someone who, a couple of years ago, was very sad at not having any friends and feeling very lonely and unloved. Now I am swamped with kind, wonderful, caring people, all because I decided to take a risk, get to know people and be a friend. Previously I was so shy and insecure, I figured no one would like me and that I had nothing to offer. I let go of all of the crap and negative self talk, stepped outside myself and now, look how truly lucky I am.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Facing the future with fear, trepidation and huge quantities of anxiety
So, today is cycle day 1, which should be an exciting and potentially happy time, because it means I am finally on the start of our ivf cycle. But all I am feeling is fear and trepidation.
It all starts for real on cycle day 11 - next Tuesday (27th) - when I start regular blood tests to monitor my hormone levels to predict ovulation.
I am just so scared about how I will cope if this cycle fails. I don't know if I will cope, if I will fall to pieces, if I do fall to pieces whether or not I'll be able to pull myself together again or how I will respond. I want to go about my life, living my life, rather than putting everything on hold while I go through the motions this cycle, but I don't know if I can.
I want to be hopeful and positive because I know there is some thought about the benefits of positive thought. But I don't dare to set myself up to hope only to have the cycle fail, as I feel I will have that much further to fall then. So then I start thinking 'well, if I am thinking that this cycle will fail so that I don't get too disappointed if it does, am I already dooming it to failure by thinking like that?" Oh, the joys of the though processes in my head...
So, what's the routine for those who don't know? The ivf people will start monitoring my bloods at cycle day 9. Normally I ovulate somewhere around cycle day 17 but because I've ovulated early the last cycle or two, they are starting at cycle day 9. They will continue to monitor my blood until a hormone surge predicting ovulation occurs and then, because we are using frozen embryos at day 5, they will do an embryo transfer 5 days after ovulation (anywhere from around cycle day 14 - 23 most likely). No drugs or anything this time, just blood tests, a blastocyst and a 'turkey baster' LOL!
A couple of people have asked me if it is different this time because we already have DD and all I can say is NO! I still desperately yearn for more children and at this stage, it seems that yearning will only be fulfilled through ivf. So, so much is riding on the outcome of this cycle. It is a HUGELY stressful and anxious time for me... but not so bad as the two week wait post implantation. Holy crap, I don't know if I can function through those 2 weeks this time.
In the last 3 days, I've heard of 2 more people who are expecting and I just want to yell "I am done! Don't tell me any more." I want the universe/God/Satan/whoever/ whatever to stop rubbing it in my face that I am not pregnant and that I don't have the child we could have had. And I think that will only stop when either I fall pregnant and have a successful pregnancy or I get so bloody old no one around me is conceiving anyway.
For those of you who are reading this and who pray, please pray for me. Pray that I can continue to live my life now and enjoy my life now, not put my life on hold. Pray that it will be a successful cycle. I know I should be praying that God's will be done but damn it, I don't want to pray that. I am praying for a successful cycle so that I don't have to go through any more grief, heartache and despair over this whole trying to conceive thing. Pray that I will have a hormone surge and will ovulate so that the cycle can go ahead and please pray that at least one of our 6 frozen embryos survive thawing to still be viable for implantation.
Thank you to all my loving, wonderful, supportive friends. I am glad each and every one of you are in my life.
It all starts for real on cycle day 11 - next Tuesday (27th) - when I start regular blood tests to monitor my hormone levels to predict ovulation.
I am just so scared about how I will cope if this cycle fails. I don't know if I will cope, if I will fall to pieces, if I do fall to pieces whether or not I'll be able to pull myself together again or how I will respond. I want to go about my life, living my life, rather than putting everything on hold while I go through the motions this cycle, but I don't know if I can.
I want to be hopeful and positive because I know there is some thought about the benefits of positive thought. But I don't dare to set myself up to hope only to have the cycle fail, as I feel I will have that much further to fall then. So then I start thinking 'well, if I am thinking that this cycle will fail so that I don't get too disappointed if it does, am I already dooming it to failure by thinking like that?" Oh, the joys of the though processes in my head...
So, what's the routine for those who don't know? The ivf people will start monitoring my bloods at cycle day 9. Normally I ovulate somewhere around cycle day 17 but because I've ovulated early the last cycle or two, they are starting at cycle day 9. They will continue to monitor my blood until a hormone surge predicting ovulation occurs and then, because we are using frozen embryos at day 5, they will do an embryo transfer 5 days after ovulation (anywhere from around cycle day 14 - 23 most likely). No drugs or anything this time, just blood tests, a blastocyst and a 'turkey baster' LOL!
A couple of people have asked me if it is different this time because we already have DD and all I can say is NO! I still desperately yearn for more children and at this stage, it seems that yearning will only be fulfilled through ivf. So, so much is riding on the outcome of this cycle. It is a HUGELY stressful and anxious time for me... but not so bad as the two week wait post implantation. Holy crap, I don't know if I can function through those 2 weeks this time.
In the last 3 days, I've heard of 2 more people who are expecting and I just want to yell "I am done! Don't tell me any more." I want the universe/God/Satan/whoever/ whatever to stop rubbing it in my face that I am not pregnant and that I don't have the child we could have had. And I think that will only stop when either I fall pregnant and have a successful pregnancy or I get so bloody old no one around me is conceiving anyway.
For those of you who are reading this and who pray, please pray for me. Pray that I can continue to live my life now and enjoy my life now, not put my life on hold. Pray that it will be a successful cycle. I know I should be praying that God's will be done but damn it, I don't want to pray that. I am praying for a successful cycle so that I don't have to go through any more grief, heartache and despair over this whole trying to conceive thing. Pray that I will have a hormone surge and will ovulate so that the cycle can go ahead and please pray that at least one of our 6 frozen embryos survive thawing to still be viable for implantation.
Thank you to all my loving, wonderful, supportive friends. I am glad each and every one of you are in my life.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Crazy little thing called love
I've been doing some thinking over the past couple of days as it seems my happy pills really aren't enough to keep me happy. It started with an email from my mother (actually it started when the psych had to can our appointment because she was sick - I didn't realise I was actually looking forward to seeing her)... but that's another story.... that just plunged me back into the big, black pit I can't seem to escape.
My thinking has helped me to realise something... I don't think there ever will be, or could ever possibly be, enough love on this world to make up for what I missed out on as a child. That wounded inner child craves consistent, unfailing, unquenchable love and that need just can not be met. I can never be good enough. I can never achieve enough, learn enough, grow enough, own enough, be enough. I will never be good enough to have the love that I ache for. And no amount of love will ever be enough for me.
As I was writing this, this song by Tenth Avenue North came on -
By Your Side
Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run
And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you
I wish I could believe it. I want God to be enough. I think that it is probably only in Him that my need for love will be met. But deep down I believe I am unlovable and nothing has changed that feeling - no amount of praying, no amount of hoping or reading the Bible. That deep seated belief that I am unloved, unlovable and worthless doesn't change, no matter what. I wish I could trust that God's hands were holding me, here and now when I am struggling so much. But I can't. I don't.
Someone asked me today at church how I was and I got all teary. I hate it. I hate being emotional and vulnerable. I hate that being at church makes my heart ache because I feel like it just isn't for me, that I am beyond God's reach, that I am just playing a game, fooling myself into thinking maybe I could be a Christian when there is never a hope in hell that God would accept me.
And I hate that I don't know how to ask for help, how to say "I need to talk" but seriously, what am I going to say anyway?
Mostly, I am sick of praying, of wanting a relationship with God, and feeling like it is all in vain because God will never want me. Maybe that is Satan's lie, but if it is, why doesn't God answer my prayer to remove those doubts and fears?
My thinking has helped me to realise something... I don't think there ever will be, or could ever possibly be, enough love on this world to make up for what I missed out on as a child. That wounded inner child craves consistent, unfailing, unquenchable love and that need just can not be met. I can never be good enough. I can never achieve enough, learn enough, grow enough, own enough, be enough. I will never be good enough to have the love that I ache for. And no amount of love will ever be enough for me.
As I was writing this, this song by Tenth Avenue North came on -
By Your Side
Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run
And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you
I wish I could believe it. I want God to be enough. I think that it is probably only in Him that my need for love will be met. But deep down I believe I am unlovable and nothing has changed that feeling - no amount of praying, no amount of hoping or reading the Bible. That deep seated belief that I am unloved, unlovable and worthless doesn't change, no matter what. I wish I could trust that God's hands were holding me, here and now when I am struggling so much. But I can't. I don't.
Someone asked me today at church how I was and I got all teary. I hate it. I hate being emotional and vulnerable. I hate that being at church makes my heart ache because I feel like it just isn't for me, that I am beyond God's reach, that I am just playing a game, fooling myself into thinking maybe I could be a Christian when there is never a hope in hell that God would accept me.
And I hate that I don't know how to ask for help, how to say "I need to talk" but seriously, what am I going to say anyway?
Mostly, I am sick of praying, of wanting a relationship with God, and feeling like it is all in vain because God will never want me. Maybe that is Satan's lie, but if it is, why doesn't God answer my prayer to remove those doubts and fears?
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Done
Today I give up.
I am sick of going around in circles in my head. Trying to make sense of things, trying to know whether to hope and believe and figure out where that leaves me if it doesn't work out, trying to be happy when I am not.
I am sick of smiling and being happy, putting on the "everything is ok" face when inside I am screaming, hanging on by a thread....just.
I am sick of "growing" or "maturing" or "learning" whatever the hell this is supposedly good for. I don't want to grow. I don't want to learn. It's not good for me. How can something that is destroying me be good for me?
I can't keep praising You and saying You are good and loving and that You have a purpose and it is a wonderful purpose cos it is BS. You ask too much.
I am wiped out. Emotionally. Physically. Spiritually.
I am done.
I am sick of going around in circles in my head. Trying to make sense of things, trying to know whether to hope and believe and figure out where that leaves me if it doesn't work out, trying to be happy when I am not.
I am sick of smiling and being happy, putting on the "everything is ok" face when inside I am screaming, hanging on by a thread....just.
I am sick of "growing" or "maturing" or "learning" whatever the hell this is supposedly good for. I don't want to grow. I don't want to learn. It's not good for me. How can something that is destroying me be good for me?
I can't keep praising You and saying You are good and loving and that You have a purpose and it is a wonderful purpose cos it is BS. You ask too much.
I am wiped out. Emotionally. Physically. Spiritually.
I am done.
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