OK, so my calm and detachment has completely left me and I am in panic mode.
This post will have way too much info to share really, but I need to write.
On Saturday when I went to the loo, when I wiped there was a bit of yellowy tinged mucous. I know mucous, and even a slight yellowy tinge, is, or can be, normal in a pregnancy. I texted a friend who is a gp and she told me not to worry (thanks :) )There was just the one incident and nothing more so all was good.
This morning when I went to the loo when I wiped there was some more mucous and it had a yellowy-orangish tinge which made me think a little of old blood possibly. So now I am in panic mode that I will lose this pregnancy too.
I talk to some ladies on a forum who have bubs due in Feb next year, just like me, and a couple of them have had one or more miscarriages. They are all worried about the possibility of another miscarriage too and we are all, even though we try so hard not to, noticing all sorts of little things and wondering "is this it?"
It is so hard not to worry, not to be anxious, not to watch for every little thing, good or bad and see them as signs that all is well or that maybe things aren't good. I hate it. I hate this constant state of alert and anxiety. I was doing so well but not any more. I am so stressed my shoulders are so tight they are just aching and I can't figure out how to relax them.
It is so hard not to be fearful after one loss and because mine happened late, at 11 weeks, I had got the point of telling people because we were so close to the 'safe zone'. It will be AGES until I get to my 8 week scan and get to see a heart beat.
I am so terrified of hearing "I'm sorry", just like last time. I thought I would be OK until the few days leading up to the ultrasound but instead, all of the fear and sadness is coming back now as I worry about this pregnancy.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Friday, June 25, 2010
The unrealism of it all
I thought I would write this mostly so I will remember to talk to the psych about it, as it is bothering me a bit.
I have this sense of almost being floating out of my body and just watching the process as far as my pregnancy is concerned. It is hard to explain and I think it comes from a couple of things.
One day while I was in the dreaded, horrible two week wait I opened my Bible to Psalm 63. My Bible is one of those women's ones that has regular devotionals in it. On the page opposite Psalm 63 it had a devotional titled "Why don't women have pouches". I had a quick glance at it, realised it was about babies and wasn't going to read it as I was so stressed and anxious and worried this embryo transfer would fail. But after reading Psalm 63 I decided to read it. It was talking about how we as humans have a need to control things and our inability to control something causes fear and then we feel a need to meddle. The author of the study was writing about how one lady had said to her "I just wish we had pouches like kangaroos so I could watch my baby grow and know it was OK". The author went on to say that the creation of a human is God's work and God's work alone. (I will look up and write out the couple of sentences that really stood out to me later).
I came back to that study a couple more times in the following days and even since getting my positive pregnancy result. Those words, above, are words of complete reassurance to me. Since reading that I have had a very real sense of God working to knit together this precious miracle in my womb. I have been feeling calm because I know it is God's work and His alone and there is nothing I can do to assist it. But I have also had this real sense of being outside of my body and watching this process. I don't know if it comes from this sense of peace and trust in God or something else.
The something else that I am wondering about is whether it is a protection mechanism. Because I am fearful about the possibility of another miscarriage, I am wondering if the distance, or disconnection, I am feeling between myself and my pregnancy may be a way to protect myself from the grief if this pregnancy doesn't stick.
But I don't know and I am finding it a bit disconcerting, or worrying, this feeling of floating outside of myself and just observing.
Perhaps it is just because it has been one hell of a week work wise and I am exhausted so nothing feels right or real.
I have had to cancel my next psych appointment and I don't yet know if I can reschedule or if I will have to wait a month. Hopefully reschedule so I can talk to her about this.
I have this sense of almost being floating out of my body and just watching the process as far as my pregnancy is concerned. It is hard to explain and I think it comes from a couple of things.
One day while I was in the dreaded, horrible two week wait I opened my Bible to Psalm 63. My Bible is one of those women's ones that has regular devotionals in it. On the page opposite Psalm 63 it had a devotional titled "Why don't women have pouches". I had a quick glance at it, realised it was about babies and wasn't going to read it as I was so stressed and anxious and worried this embryo transfer would fail. But after reading Psalm 63 I decided to read it. It was talking about how we as humans have a need to control things and our inability to control something causes fear and then we feel a need to meddle. The author of the study was writing about how one lady had said to her "I just wish we had pouches like kangaroos so I could watch my baby grow and know it was OK". The author went on to say that the creation of a human is God's work and God's work alone. (I will look up and write out the couple of sentences that really stood out to me later).
I came back to that study a couple more times in the following days and even since getting my positive pregnancy result. Those words, above, are words of complete reassurance to me. Since reading that I have had a very real sense of God working to knit together this precious miracle in my womb. I have been feeling calm because I know it is God's work and His alone and there is nothing I can do to assist it. But I have also had this real sense of being outside of my body and watching this process. I don't know if it comes from this sense of peace and trust in God or something else.
The something else that I am wondering about is whether it is a protection mechanism. Because I am fearful about the possibility of another miscarriage, I am wondering if the distance, or disconnection, I am feeling between myself and my pregnancy may be a way to protect myself from the grief if this pregnancy doesn't stick.
But I don't know and I am finding it a bit disconcerting, or worrying, this feeling of floating outside of myself and just observing.
Perhaps it is just because it has been one hell of a week work wise and I am exhausted so nothing feels right or real.
I have had to cancel my next psych appointment and I don't yet know if I can reschedule or if I will have to wait a month. Hopefully reschedule so I can talk to her about this.
Monday, June 21, 2010
Tiredness and counselling
Never before have I been so happy to feel so tired. I was extremely tired in the first trimester of DD's pregnancy, to the point where I would get home from work and fall asleep before tea was even cooked. I have been feeling fairly tired the last 2 days and today, it's not 3:45pm and I am done in. So, I am very happy to be feeling this way. But oh I wish I could go home and sleep.... sleep.... ahhh bliss; to snuggle up in a warm, cozy bed in a little nest of blankets and freshly washed sheets.
As for counselling, we talked quite a bit about my mother. The psych thinks that I have never grieved for the mother I wanted but didn't have and mentioned that I need to do that, and then accept the mother I do have. I know I have felt sad about not having a mother some times, like all the times I want to tell her something and want her to be my mother and then remember she can't be and won't be, so I can't tell her anything. But I think the psych is right. I don't think I have ever truly grieved for my mother. And I certainly have never gotten angry at her or with her. Frustrated yes but truly angry, no. I always seem to find a reason why I shouldn't be angry or why it is my fault because "we don't do things like that". The conditioning of my emotions from my childhood is amazing. I found it really bizarre talking to the psych and when she asked me why I hadn't been angry at mum ever I said "because it's not appropriate or acceptable and we don't do things like that". It was like I was speaking something I had heard so many times before and yet I don't remember ever being told that. It was just an implied rule I think. So I don't know how to go about grieving for my mum. It's not like she is truly gone and there is a grave I can stand at and see the finality.
Finality was something else the psych mentioned - by grieving for my mum I am accepting the finality of what I expected (or hoped or wanted) my relationship with mum to be like. If I grieve for her then I am accepting the finality of that, and I can't do that because there is still that wounded inner child holding on to hope. Hope that mum will truly be my mum and that she will love me and nurture me as I need and want, both now as an adult and also as a child. So hope won't let go and it won't let me grieve because if there is finality then there is no hope.
I don't even know how to begin that process. I think I will need some time to think and process all of this. I got the impression from the psych that because my emotions are so dissociated from my body, it may well take a while. The psych asked me what happens in my body when I feel a 'negative' emotion and all I could give her was the thoughts that accompany the emotion "it is weak to feel sad", "there's no reason to feel sad" "get over it" etc... I honestly couldn't tell her what a feeling felt like in my body (eg, butterflies in my stomach, tingling, warm all over... whatever feelings go with emotions). I couldn't even do it with positive emotions I am that disconnected. Hmmmm... scary to realise how disconnected I am. So now I am left wondering how others experience emotions and also, I am meant to be observing my body, feeling the feelings in a detached way (eg, "oh, I feel warm or my heart is racing or whatever). Who knew I had so much to learn and just what an emotional cripple I am lol!
ps, did I mention I am pregnant??????
As for counselling, we talked quite a bit about my mother. The psych thinks that I have never grieved for the mother I wanted but didn't have and mentioned that I need to do that, and then accept the mother I do have. I know I have felt sad about not having a mother some times, like all the times I want to tell her something and want her to be my mother and then remember she can't be and won't be, so I can't tell her anything. But I think the psych is right. I don't think I have ever truly grieved for my mother. And I certainly have never gotten angry at her or with her. Frustrated yes but truly angry, no. I always seem to find a reason why I shouldn't be angry or why it is my fault because "we don't do things like that". The conditioning of my emotions from my childhood is amazing. I found it really bizarre talking to the psych and when she asked me why I hadn't been angry at mum ever I said "because it's not appropriate or acceptable and we don't do things like that". It was like I was speaking something I had heard so many times before and yet I don't remember ever being told that. It was just an implied rule I think. So I don't know how to go about grieving for my mum. It's not like she is truly gone and there is a grave I can stand at and see the finality.
Finality was something else the psych mentioned - by grieving for my mum I am accepting the finality of what I expected (or hoped or wanted) my relationship with mum to be like. If I grieve for her then I am accepting the finality of that, and I can't do that because there is still that wounded inner child holding on to hope. Hope that mum will truly be my mum and that she will love me and nurture me as I need and want, both now as an adult and also as a child. So hope won't let go and it won't let me grieve because if there is finality then there is no hope.
I don't even know how to begin that process. I think I will need some time to think and process all of this. I got the impression from the psych that because my emotions are so dissociated from my body, it may well take a while. The psych asked me what happens in my body when I feel a 'negative' emotion and all I could give her was the thoughts that accompany the emotion "it is weak to feel sad", "there's no reason to feel sad" "get over it" etc... I honestly couldn't tell her what a feeling felt like in my body (eg, butterflies in my stomach, tingling, warm all over... whatever feelings go with emotions). I couldn't even do it with positive emotions I am that disconnected. Hmmmm... scary to realise how disconnected I am. So now I am left wondering how others experience emotions and also, I am meant to be observing my body, feeling the feelings in a detached way (eg, "oh, I feel warm or my heart is racing or whatever). Who knew I had so much to learn and just what an emotional cripple I am lol!
ps, did I mention I am pregnant??????
Gotta love irony
A bit over a week ago Catch of the Day had a $10 sale day and there were a couple of things I wanted to buy. As they also had a capped $10 shipping deal, I decided to buy their 96 tampons for $9.95 they had on offer. It was a good deal and something that I need.....
Well, they turned up in the mail on Friday; the same day I got by Big Fat Positive blood test result to say I AM PREGNANT!!! Yay!!! Oh yay!!!! Oh yay!!!!
I haven't written about it until today because I didn't really believe it, I think. I had tried so hard not to hope, not to expect a positive result, not to allow myself to even begin to imagine it would be positive, that it has taken a few days, and no sign of my period, to truly believe it is real.
So it would seem that God answered many prayers. He answered my prayer that the FET only go ahead if it was going to be successful and then He answered the countless number of prayers I and some of my friends prayed that I would be pregnant.
And I am feeling peaceful about it. I thought I would be hugely stressed because I was with DD and then, after having a miscarriage last year, I thought I would be really anxious. Instead I feel calm. Not entirely calm, as I do have moments of stress and worry, but much calmer than I ever expected to feel. I am looking forward to an ultrasound in a month so that I can see a heart beat. I think then I will truly believe and know all is well. Until then, I hope I manage to stay calm and relaxed, trusting God and my body.
Thank you to all of my friends who supported me through such a stressful journey, especially the 9 day wait (it's not really a two week wait when you have a blastocyst transferred). I couldn't have coped without your support and friendship.
Well, they turned up in the mail on Friday; the same day I got by Big Fat Positive blood test result to say I AM PREGNANT!!! Yay!!! Oh yay!!!! Oh yay!!!!
I haven't written about it until today because I didn't really believe it, I think. I had tried so hard not to hope, not to expect a positive result, not to allow myself to even begin to imagine it would be positive, that it has taken a few days, and no sign of my period, to truly believe it is real.
So it would seem that God answered many prayers. He answered my prayer that the FET only go ahead if it was going to be successful and then He answered the countless number of prayers I and some of my friends prayed that I would be pregnant.
And I am feeling peaceful about it. I thought I would be hugely stressed because I was with DD and then, after having a miscarriage last year, I thought I would be really anxious. Instead I feel calm. Not entirely calm, as I do have moments of stress and worry, but much calmer than I ever expected to feel. I am looking forward to an ultrasound in a month so that I can see a heart beat. I think then I will truly believe and know all is well. Until then, I hope I manage to stay calm and relaxed, trusting God and my body.
Thank you to all of my friends who supported me through such a stressful journey, especially the 9 day wait (it's not really a two week wait when you have a blastocyst transferred). I couldn't have coped without your support and friendship.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
It ain't over 'til the fat lady sings.. or BT results tomorrow
I have decided I am not giving up hope just yet. I did test on 12 days post ovulation and it was an incredibly diluted sample after drinking lots and lots of fluid at work all day.. TMI I'm sure but it was clear as water so any hcg in it would have been miniscule... or so I am telling myself.
So I am still praying, trusting and hoping. I decided not to repeat it this morning but rather wait until my blood test. I have one more day of hope.
So I am still praying, trusting and hoping. I decided not to repeat it this morning but rather wait until my blood test. I have one more day of hope.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
I am so dumb.. or impatient
I caved and bought a pregnancy test kit from the shop. It even says "test on first day of missed period" which would be Saturday, but NO, I test tonight cos I just "need to know"
Of course it shows I am not pregnant.
I am annoyed at myself and my need to know cos now I am feeling down when perhaps there is no need to. Or maybe my flights of hope and fantasy and "what ifs" are just back in reality of "what if I'm not".
Not really sure what I think. I am not telling DH cos he thinks I am dumb as I am having a blood test on Friday. SO now I will be miserable without showing it.
Of course it shows I am not pregnant.
I am annoyed at myself and my need to know cos now I am feeling down when perhaps there is no need to. Or maybe my flights of hope and fantasy and "what ifs" are just back in reality of "what if I'm not".
Not really sure what I think. I am not telling DH cos he thinks I am dumb as I am having a blood test on Friday. SO now I will be miserable without showing it.
Feeling Calmer Today
Well, I guess I got my complete and utter panic out of my system yesterday as I am feeling calmer today. Thank you to my wonderful friends Heather, Martina and Niki for your calming and reassuring words and support. I am truly blessed to have such wise and compassionate women in my life.
I changed my background to my blog because I decided not to stay down in the dumps and I figured one of the keys to that was lots and lots of colour. I liked this design the best so voila!
I have been praying and praying that this will be a successful pregnancy and I have been asking God to tell me if it is or not (cos I am too impatient to wait 2 more days lol!). I keep hearing a 'yes' but I don't know if that is God or my desire and hope. I think my own wishes are drowning out His voice. So then, I get myself in a state thinking maybe He is saying 'yes' and because I am doubting it is Him, this pregnancy won't go ahead. How screwed up is my thinking???? I want to trust but I am scared to get my hopes up. Argh! I think I need some time out from my own head and thoughts....
ps... in case you haven't figured it out by now, I am a bit of a nut! :)
I changed my background to my blog because I decided not to stay down in the dumps and I figured one of the keys to that was lots and lots of colour. I liked this design the best so voila!
I have been praying and praying that this will be a successful pregnancy and I have been asking God to tell me if it is or not (cos I am too impatient to wait 2 more days lol!). I keep hearing a 'yes' but I don't know if that is God or my desire and hope. I think my own wishes are drowning out His voice. So then, I get myself in a state thinking maybe He is saying 'yes' and because I am doubting it is Him, this pregnancy won't go ahead. How screwed up is my thinking???? I want to trust but I am scared to get my hopes up. Argh! I think I need some time out from my own head and thoughts....
ps... in case you haven't figured it out by now, I am a bit of a nut! :)
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
On the downhill run
Well it's only a couple of days until I know for sure one way or the other. I can't wait. I am too anxious. I need to know. I've thought about buying a pregnancy test kit but I am guessing maybe it is still too soon to get a positive result... better to at least wait until Thursday.
I am not feeling too hopeful as I have been having niggling little pains in my lower right hand side, but then, I never get them in the lead up to my period normally, but then, I never normally have an embryo on board. I don't know what to make of them and I am scared and worried they mean this cycle has failed.
But I have prayed and prayed and prayed and so I want to trust the God has heard and answered my prayer. Guess I will know on Friday. Oh it can't come soon enough for me! What a long day that will be between blood test and results. I am thinking maybe I should POAS (pee on a stick) on Thursday or Friday so I am prepared for the blood test result. Given that we aren't using any medication to support this FET it would give me an accurate result... oh, dilemma, dilemma.
The days can't go fast enough for me. Here I am at work, needing to concentrate and do work, and my brain is all over the place. Argh! Hurry up Friday!!!!
I am not feeling too hopeful as I have been having niggling little pains in my lower right hand side, but then, I never get them in the lead up to my period normally, but then, I never normally have an embryo on board. I don't know what to make of them and I am scared and worried they mean this cycle has failed.
But I have prayed and prayed and prayed and so I want to trust the God has heard and answered my prayer. Guess I will know on Friday. Oh it can't come soon enough for me! What a long day that will be between blood test and results. I am thinking maybe I should POAS (pee on a stick) on Thursday or Friday so I am prepared for the blood test result. Given that we aren't using any medication to support this FET it would give me an accurate result... oh, dilemma, dilemma.
The days can't go fast enough for me. Here I am at work, needing to concentrate and do work, and my brain is all over the place. Argh! Hurry up Friday!!!!
Monday, June 14, 2010
Back in the land of "this sucks"
So I've gone from hopeful to depressed to OK to feeling depressed today. A lot of it is to do with the anxiety of not knowing if I am pregnant or not and just NEEDING to know.
The rest of it is just, since going to counselling this time, I've realised just how much my lack of attachment to mum, all of her emotional abuse and manipulation and her inability to want or try to protect me from my brother has affected me here and now, and throughout my life. I didn't realise quite how far reaching it has been but I am beginning to understand a lot of who I am and why I think and act the way I do and so much of it is because of my mother.
Last night I had a horrible thought. I was praying and I prayed that maybe she learned something from the message at church and then i realised, I don't want her to be a christian and that led me to realise I don't feel any love for her at the moment, just duty, obligation and responsibility. I don't like this at all. I should love her. She is my mother. I think I want to love her. I think, until recently I did love her.
And I was so tempted to tell her about the embryo transfer because she is my mother and I am stressed and anxious and I want her to be my mother, but logic and reality kicked in and I knew it wasn't worth it so I didn't.
The rest of it is just, since going to counselling this time, I've realised just how much my lack of attachment to mum, all of her emotional abuse and manipulation and her inability to want or try to protect me from my brother has affected me here and now, and throughout my life. I didn't realise quite how far reaching it has been but I am beginning to understand a lot of who I am and why I think and act the way I do and so much of it is because of my mother.
Last night I had a horrible thought. I was praying and I prayed that maybe she learned something from the message at church and then i realised, I don't want her to be a christian and that led me to realise I don't feel any love for her at the moment, just duty, obligation and responsibility. I don't like this at all. I should love her. She is my mother. I think I want to love her. I think, until recently I did love her.
And I was so tempted to tell her about the embryo transfer because she is my mother and I am stressed and anxious and I want her to be my mother, but logic and reality kicked in and I knew it wasn't worth it so I didn't.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Doing OK again
I had a bit of an "oh woe is me" day the other day. Mostly I think I was tired and when I am tired my depression kicks in. I am feeling better today - nicely distracted and busily trying not to think about Friday.
Unfortunately the dragon biatch mother from hell is coming to stay tonight on her way up north to visit my brother. On the plus side, I am going to pass along a lot of the hand me downs we got when we had DD so I should reclaim about half a wardrobe in her room, which would be nice. SHe has SO many toys I need the storage. They will be going north on the previso that if we have another baby they come back to us.
Anyway, lots to do today. Just thought I'd get on ans say 6 days including today....... argh! And I am OK, worried, anxious and all of the rest of it, but OK.
ps... I changed the look of my blog to reflect how I was feeling the other day. I'll change it to something else in the next couple of days. This one is too maudling!
Unfortunately the dragon biatch mother from hell is coming to stay tonight on her way up north to visit my brother. On the plus side, I am going to pass along a lot of the hand me downs we got when we had DD so I should reclaim about half a wardrobe in her room, which would be nice. SHe has SO many toys I need the storage. They will be going north on the previso that if we have another baby they come back to us.
Anyway, lots to do today. Just thought I'd get on ans say 6 days including today....... argh! And I am OK, worried, anxious and all of the rest of it, but OK.
ps... I changed the look of my blog to reflect how I was feeling the other day. I'll change it to something else in the next couple of days. This one is too maudling!
Friday, June 11, 2010
Not happy, not coping.
I think the title of this post says it all. I am not good at waiting. I just need to know. I REALLY just NEED to know. Sigh... 7 days to go.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Not thinking... not wishing..... not hoping....
Well, that is what I'd like to be doing.
Instead I am thinking, wishing and hoping..grrrrr. There are 8 days until blood test.. it will be a very looooooooooooooooooooooooong 8 days.
So today I am off to the shops with DD to buy her a nice warm jacket as it is bloody freezing here today. I also need to buy wipes and nappies. I WISH she'd go back to toilet training. She was doing all poos in the potty but our trip to Sydney and then us all getting sick threw it completely out the window so now we are back to square one and she doesn't want to use it. I am SO grateful to have one very precious daughter. I got to have big cuddles in bed with her this morning. Thursdays are my day for 'sleeping in' (I'm awake normally but staying snuggled in bed). DD had had a nappy leak so DH changed her and sent her in to bed with me in just a nappy so she could stay warm while he hunted up some clothes for her. It was lovely and beautiful. That precious, warm little body cuddled in against mine as we talked and giggled. I know how lucky and blessed I am and those reminders are just priceless.
And so my heart aches for a friend of mine, Bee, who lost her precious son less than an hour after he was born. And I feel so angry at the unfairness and injustice of a world that lets drug users, dole bludgers (and I mean the real bludgers not the genuine ones) and abusive sh!ts like my brother have children, yet leaves lovely people like Bee, my sister and I struggling to have the families we long for and desire. It is a cruel, cruel world sometimes.
Instead I am thinking, wishing and hoping..grrrrr. There are 8 days until blood test.. it will be a very looooooooooooooooooooooooong 8 days.
So today I am off to the shops with DD to buy her a nice warm jacket as it is bloody freezing here today. I also need to buy wipes and nappies. I WISH she'd go back to toilet training. She was doing all poos in the potty but our trip to Sydney and then us all getting sick threw it completely out the window so now we are back to square one and she doesn't want to use it. I am SO grateful to have one very precious daughter. I got to have big cuddles in bed with her this morning. Thursdays are my day for 'sleeping in' (I'm awake normally but staying snuggled in bed). DD had had a nappy leak so DH changed her and sent her in to bed with me in just a nappy so she could stay warm while he hunted up some clothes for her. It was lovely and beautiful. That precious, warm little body cuddled in against mine as we talked and giggled. I know how lucky and blessed I am and those reminders are just priceless.
And so my heart aches for a friend of mine, Bee, who lost her precious son less than an hour after he was born. And I feel so angry at the unfairness and injustice of a world that lets drug users, dole bludgers (and I mean the real bludgers not the genuine ones) and abusive sh!ts like my brother have children, yet leaves lovely people like Bee, my sister and I struggling to have the families we long for and desire. It is a cruel, cruel world sometimes.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Waiting and the Coke dilemma
I am a 'need to know' kinda girl. I am like that in all areas of my life; I don't like surprises, I just want to know an outcome so I can get on with things, you name it, I NEED to know NOW! Oh how much worse is that need with ivf. I could cope, if I knew now, that this cycle wasn't going to work. It's the 9 days of wishing, and the hope creeping in despite my best efforts to hold it back, that makes it so much worse when it fails.
Ahhh.... coke... to drink it or not to drink it... the eternal question for me. I have been trying to give it up since last September and while I am no longer drinking 2L a day I have been drinking it daily, except the the occasional 2 days and the one-off one week where I did manage to quit. So, I know they say caffeine can increase your risk of miscarriage so of course, I want to do everything in my power that is possible to ensure this is a successful pregnancy, but that small voice inside keeps saying "but you don't even know if you are pregnant yet" and "surely just one a day won't matter"... it's just like those annoying quit smoking adds. I SOOOOO want a coke but I am not going to have one. I will be strong and maybe this is what I needed to quit after all.
But I love coke. It is my relaxation and stress release thing, which I know is SO dumb. It has developed to be something for me, just for me. A break and a chance to relax and unwind. Nothing else works as well for me.
No, I will be strong. If nothing else I might manage to shed a few of my many unwanted kilos.
Ahhh.... coke... to drink it or not to drink it... the eternal question for me. I have been trying to give it up since last September and while I am no longer drinking 2L a day I have been drinking it daily, except the the occasional 2 days and the one-off one week where I did manage to quit. So, I know they say caffeine can increase your risk of miscarriage so of course, I want to do everything in my power that is possible to ensure this is a successful pregnancy, but that small voice inside keeps saying "but you don't even know if you are pregnant yet" and "surely just one a day won't matter"... it's just like those annoying quit smoking adds. I SOOOOO want a coke but I am not going to have one. I will be strong and maybe this is what I needed to quit after all.
But I love coke. It is my relaxation and stress release thing, which I know is SO dumb. It has developed to be something for me, just for me. A break and a chance to relax and unwind. Nothing else works as well for me.
No, I will be strong. If nothing else I might manage to shed a few of my many unwanted kilos.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Emby on board
It was a very quick process and the little emby is now (hopefully) nestled in where it should be and doing its thing. We were very fortunate that the first one thawed did what it was meant to do so we still have 5 frozen for the future.
I SO hope this is a successful pregnancy for me. Of course, everyone going through ivf hopes that and not many get it when they want it.
Hoping and praying that this will be the one. Now I just need to distract myself until 18 June which is blood test day.
I SO hope this is a successful pregnancy for me. Of course, everyone going through ivf hopes that and not many get it when they want it.
Hoping and praying that this will be the one. Now I just need to distract myself until 18 June which is blood test day.
I am NOT axious!!! LOL!
As you can probably tell, anxiety is a bit of a recuring theme for me right now. I know I do worry a bit, and possibly a bit more than some people, but I never saw myself as an anxious person. DH and the psych have got me rethinking and it is bothering me a bit.
BUT, I figure today it's OK to be anxious. I just phoned the clinic and all is good to go with our embryo transfer, so that means one of our 6 frosties thawed and began continuing to divide... Woo Hoo!!! I don't know how many they thawed to get there and I don't know that I want to know, although I suppose I do need to know how many are left for any future attempts. But I am relieved we have one good to go and I AM anxious about it; not the procedure. It's fine. It's the waiting and wondering and hoping and not wanting to hope and all of that. I am feeling quite stressed and I don't want to be. I want to be relaxed and just going with the flow of it all.
BUT, I figure today it's OK to be anxious. I just phoned the clinic and all is good to go with our embryo transfer, so that means one of our 6 frosties thawed and began continuing to divide... Woo Hoo!!! I don't know how many they thawed to get there and I don't know that I want to know, although I suppose I do need to know how many are left for any future attempts. But I am relieved we have one good to go and I AM anxious about it; not the procedure. It's fine. It's the waiting and wondering and hoping and not wanting to hope and all of that. I am feeling quite stressed and I don't want to be. I want to be relaxed and just going with the flow of it all.
Monday, June 7, 2010
FET tomorrow
So, here I am busily trying not to think about tomorrow; to not get my hopes up, but I can't help it. I WANT another child so badly I can't help but hope, even when I don't want to.
I am currently planning on coming to work for the morning. My procedure is at 12:30pm so I am trying to decide whether to come back to work or have the afternoon off and treat myself.. to what I don't know. Maybe a massage, maybe some retail therapy or a good long lunch. Just something special. But I don't really think I should do something special. I think maybe I should hold off until "it doesn't work" and then treat myself. How stupid am I? How dumb is my thought process, to already right off something for no reason except maybe I am an anxious pessimist lol!
Breathe in.... breathe out.... breathe in.... breathe out......
I am currently planning on coming to work for the morning. My procedure is at 12:30pm so I am trying to decide whether to come back to work or have the afternoon off and treat myself.. to what I don't know. Maybe a massage, maybe some retail therapy or a good long lunch. Just something special. But I don't really think I should do something special. I think maybe I should hold off until "it doesn't work" and then treat myself. How stupid am I? How dumb is my thought process, to already right off something for no reason except maybe I am an anxious pessimist lol!
Breathe in.... breathe out.... breathe in.... breathe out......
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Fell into a big hole
Ahhh.. shoulda known it would happen. Yesterday I talked to psych about lots of stuff, got the OK for FET and DH's job stuff is sorted and will be for a while now.. so all was good. I was on a bit of a high and now... I have crashed into a big heap. I hate the emotional roller coaster that is my life. I don't like the way my head works at all. I just want to cruise along, not being emotional and not needing people.
Just feeling unloved, un-special (made that one up I think), unimportant... no one's fault. Oh hang on, it's the dragon bitch mother from hell's fault but she's not here and I can't blame her anyway.
Shoulda known I'd crash. I wanna crawl into bed, pull the covers up and hide forever. I want to cry but the tears won't come. It's kinda like when you feel sick and you know that if you just spewed you would feel better. I feel like if I could cry I would feel better. But the "thou shalt not cry" unspoken rule of my childhood is too strong to break.
I need a friend about now.
Just feeling unloved, un-special (made that one up I think), unimportant... no one's fault. Oh hang on, it's the dragon bitch mother from hell's fault but she's not here and I can't blame her anyway.
Shoulda known I'd crash. I wanna crawl into bed, pull the covers up and hide forever. I want to cry but the tears won't come. It's kinda like when you feel sick and you know that if you just spewed you would feel better. I feel like if I could cry I would feel better. But the "thou shalt not cry" unspoken rule of my childhood is too strong to break.
I need a friend about now.
Friday, June 4, 2010
D-day part 3
I got the phone call. Embryo transfer is Tuesday. I am feeling very scared, worried, anxious... I am NOT an anxious person lol! I have been praying that it would only go ahead if it was going to be successful. It will be interesting to see if that prayer is answered.
D-day part 2
I am hopeless. I went to the psych today with it all planned that I would finally be real and honest and all of that and I get there and this is how it goes
psych: "How's your morning been?"
me: "fine"
psych: "what's been happening in the past week?"
me: "nothing much"
psych: "so, we were going to talk about your blog"
me: "yeah"
psych... waiting... waiting....
I eventually just laughed and said "I am so hopeless. I decided to talk to you today and then I get here and I just can't do it".
So then we talked about why I can't talk... all has to do with how I grew up and how we always had to present a happy, 'everything is normal' face to the world and couldn't talk about anything bad at all etc...
Then I finally talked to her about a couple of my blog posts - the one about psychs cos that really explains some of why I struggle so hard to talk to her and the one about my realisations to do with mental health and watching SVU.
I don't know what I think now. I am guessing I will need some time and space to process. Mostly we just talked about those posts and what it was like to experience some of my experiences.
She did say she wants me to notice the language I use because I tend to say things like "I'm a nut job" or "headcase" quite a lot. She wants me to look for patterns in the things I say either here, in my journal or internally. So it's pretty funny that I started this post with "I am hopeless".
Isn't it funny that I am quite happy to listen to my head and all of the negative things I tell myself.. but I won't listen to my head when it tells me stuff like "I didn't do anything wrong. The abuse wasn't my fault and I don't need to feel responsible or ashamed". I wonder why it is so easy to listen to the negative and dismiss the 'rational'?
Now I am just waiting for D-day part 3 - the phone call from ivf to tell me we are good to go, although mostly I am expecting a "your hormones seem to be doing something a bit strange.." followed by "cancelled cycle". I am such a pessimist! I want to be an optimist but I don't want to get my hopes up. Is that even possible?
psych: "How's your morning been?"
me: "fine"
psych: "what's been happening in the past week?"
me: "nothing much"
psych: "so, we were going to talk about your blog"
me: "yeah"
psych... waiting... waiting....
I eventually just laughed and said "I am so hopeless. I decided to talk to you today and then I get here and I just can't do it".
So then we talked about why I can't talk... all has to do with how I grew up and how we always had to present a happy, 'everything is normal' face to the world and couldn't talk about anything bad at all etc...
Then I finally talked to her about a couple of my blog posts - the one about psychs cos that really explains some of why I struggle so hard to talk to her and the one about my realisations to do with mental health and watching SVU.
I don't know what I think now. I am guessing I will need some time and space to process. Mostly we just talked about those posts and what it was like to experience some of my experiences.
She did say she wants me to notice the language I use because I tend to say things like "I'm a nut job" or "headcase" quite a lot. She wants me to look for patterns in the things I say either here, in my journal or internally. So it's pretty funny that I started this post with "I am hopeless".
Isn't it funny that I am quite happy to listen to my head and all of the negative things I tell myself.. but I won't listen to my head when it tells me stuff like "I didn't do anything wrong. The abuse wasn't my fault and I don't need to feel responsible or ashamed". I wonder why it is so easy to listen to the negative and dismiss the 'rational'?
Now I am just waiting for D-day part 3 - the phone call from ivf to tell me we are good to go, although mostly I am expecting a "your hormones seem to be doing something a bit strange.." followed by "cancelled cycle". I am such a pessimist! I want to be an optimist but I don't want to get my hopes up. Is that even possible?
D-day in so many ways
I am NOT an anxious person... oh hang on, maybe I am.
Blood test today to confirm that I am/did ovulate overnight and to set the date for FET... if it goes ahead... oh please let it go ahead. If the ovulation pains I have in my side are anything to go by, yep I am ovulating. But given that I had gastro that doubting part of my brain says it's not ovulation pain it's left over gastro stuff.
And today is the day I AM going to be real and honest and really start talking to my psych. Not that I haven't been cos I have learned some stuff already but today is the day when I stop protecting myself and start trusting her.
It was also this time last year we lost our precious little bubba in miscarriage.
What a day! I am scared, hopeful, kinda excited, nervous, kinda happy, worried, anxious... oh dear, maybe I am an anxious person.
Blood test today to confirm that I am/did ovulate overnight and to set the date for FET... if it goes ahead... oh please let it go ahead. If the ovulation pains I have in my side are anything to go by, yep I am ovulating. But given that I had gastro that doubting part of my brain says it's not ovulation pain it's left over gastro stuff.
And today is the day I AM going to be real and honest and really start talking to my psych. Not that I haven't been cos I have learned some stuff already but today is the day when I stop protecting myself and start trusting her.
It was also this time last year we lost our precious little bubba in miscarriage.
What a day! I am scared, hopeful, kinda excited, nervous, kinda happy, worried, anxious... oh dear, maybe I am an anxious person.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Cycle day 14
Ho hum... another day, another blood test. Am waiting for today's results to see if my hormones are doing what they should be so I know if I need another blood test tomorrow. If my body is true to form I will be having blood tests daily until Monday - SERIOUSLY!!! Good thing I don't have a needle phobia but I do worry I might start leaking with all of these holes lol!
EDITED to add...
just got the phone call. It looks like my levels are doing all the right thing, with a blood test tomorrow to confirm ovulation. If so, emby on board 5 days from now... scared shitless. Scared something will happen and my hormones will go haywire overnight. Scared that we won't have any successfully defrosted embys. Scared it won't work. Scared it is all too much on top of everything else.
Thank goodness I gave up coke through the gastro we just had lol!
Fingers and everything else crossed please, plus lots of prayers.
EDITED to add...
just got the phone call. It looks like my levels are doing all the right thing, with a blood test tomorrow to confirm ovulation. If so, emby on board 5 days from now... scared shitless. Scared something will happen and my hormones will go haywire overnight. Scared that we won't have any successfully defrosted embys. Scared it won't work. Scared it is all too much on top of everything else.
Thank goodness I gave up coke through the gastro we just had lol!
Fingers and everything else crossed please, plus lots of prayers.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Denial and hope - my 2 friends that fail me regularly
I am torn between these 2 friends.
I KNEW my brother's partner was pregnant. I KNEW they would be having a baby about now but somehow I managed to deny the reality of it for all that time. Until I get smacked about the head with the birth of their baby girl. Why did it have to be a girl? Somehow I just always assumed it wouldn't happen. How dumb can I be? It's not that I wished them to lose their baby because I didn't and couldn't but I guess I just didn't want to 'connect the dots' in my head. Didn't want to acknowledge the reality of my brother having a child. And of course it had to be a girl... of course. Just had to be.
Hope... my other friend....
I had a blood test yesterday at CD12 to give us an idea of when we would need to do more. I was really surprised when the nurse phoned yesterday afternoon to tell me that I needed another blood test today. So I go in this morning to have it and she told me my estrogen (the hormone that failed me last cycle) was already at 500... that is the lowest they look at it for an FET... now it SHOULDN'T be that high at CD 12, or not in my books because I have a 32 day cycle so it shouldn't rise until closer to CD18... but of course, hope has crept in. Hope that maybe this cycle will be "IT". Hope that maybe this time we will get to FET and a successful pregnancy. And I don't want to hope. I now have to wait and see what today's result is. Wait and see what and when (or if) my LH levels surge and progesterone does whatever it is meant to do. So I am waiting and I can't stop that little gem of hope to build.
I DON'T WANT TO HOPE. GO AWAY!
I KNEW my brother's partner was pregnant. I KNEW they would be having a baby about now but somehow I managed to deny the reality of it for all that time. Until I get smacked about the head with the birth of their baby girl. Why did it have to be a girl? Somehow I just always assumed it wouldn't happen. How dumb can I be? It's not that I wished them to lose their baby because I didn't and couldn't but I guess I just didn't want to 'connect the dots' in my head. Didn't want to acknowledge the reality of my brother having a child. And of course it had to be a girl... of course. Just had to be.
Hope... my other friend....
I had a blood test yesterday at CD12 to give us an idea of when we would need to do more. I was really surprised when the nurse phoned yesterday afternoon to tell me that I needed another blood test today. So I go in this morning to have it and she told me my estrogen (the hormone that failed me last cycle) was already at 500... that is the lowest they look at it for an FET... now it SHOULDN'T be that high at CD 12, or not in my books because I have a 32 day cycle so it shouldn't rise until closer to CD18... but of course, hope has crept in. Hope that maybe this cycle will be "IT". Hope that maybe this time we will get to FET and a successful pregnancy. And I don't want to hope. I now have to wait and see what today's result is. Wait and see what and when (or if) my LH levels surge and progesterone does whatever it is meant to do. So I am waiting and I can't stop that little gem of hope to build.
I DON'T WANT TO HOPE. GO AWAY!
Too many storms
Broken
Battered
Bruised
Beaten
Defeated
Exhausted
Without hope
Done
Too many storms
Too many trials to weather
Too much to endure-
my brother had a baby
DH wants to chuck in his job
about to start ivf cycle again
about to build a house
my brother had a baby girl
horrendous intrusive thoughts
a baby girl
exhausted from being so sick
DH and no job
= no money
= no ivf
= how the hell do we build a house
scared for DH
feeling responsible his mental health
having to always be the strong one
That was how I was feeling last night. At the absolute edge of coping. Done. Completely, utterly spent.
And then I read this from The Word for Today-
'...He will take care of you...' "Psalm 55:22 NLT
Gladys Aylward, missionary to China more than fifty years ago, was forced to flee when the Japanese invaded Yuncheng. With only one assistant, she led a hundred orphans over the mountains toward free China. During the journey she grappled with fear. After passing a sleepless night she faced the morning with no hope of reaching safety. A thirteen-year-old girl in the group reminded her of their much-loved story of Moses and the Red Sea. 'But I am not Moses,' Gladys sighed in despair. 'Of course you aren't,' the girl said, 'but God is still God!' When Gladys and the orphans made it through, they proved once again that no matter how inadequate we feel, God is still God, and we can still trust Him.
Sometimes God calms the storm, other times He lets the storm rage and calms us. Either way, He sustains us and brings us through. We always have a choice: either we give the burden to God or we try to carry it ourselves. How does God provide for us? One day at a time. Remember the Israelites in the wilderness? Each day God fed them by sending manna from heaven. Notice how it worked. The number of people in your family determined the amount of manna you received, no more and no less. And God would only allow you to collect enough for each day; if you tried to hoard more, it rotted. Getting the idea? So trust God for today and leave tomorrow in His hands. 'Give your burdens to the Lord, and He will take care of you.' (Psalm 55:22 NLT)
And so I went to bed and read Psalm 55 and I prayed all of those words I wrote at the start of this post. And I found peace and calm in the midst of all the turmoil and despair. It is the first time I have felt truly sheltered by God and all I could say was "let me rest in the shelter of Your wing". I am grateful to God for answering that prayer, that need, at a time when I couldn't go on and didn't know what I was going to do.
Things are no better this morning but I am trying to continue to trust in God and rest in Him. There is quietness in my heart despite the turmoil and uncertainty. I have never truly believed I am loved and accepted by God but last night I began to get a glimmer that maybe, just maybe, I am. No one else, no where else, could that peace and calm have come from.
Battered
Bruised
Beaten
Defeated
Exhausted
Without hope
Done
Too many storms
Too many trials to weather
Too much to endure-
my brother had a baby
DH wants to chuck in his job
about to start ivf cycle again
about to build a house
my brother had a baby girl
horrendous intrusive thoughts
a baby girl
exhausted from being so sick
DH and no job
= no money
= no ivf
= how the hell do we build a house
scared for DH
feeling responsible his mental health
having to always be the strong one
That was how I was feeling last night. At the absolute edge of coping. Done. Completely, utterly spent.
And then I read this from The Word for Today-
'...He will take care of you...' "Psalm 55:22 NLT
Gladys Aylward, missionary to China more than fifty years ago, was forced to flee when the Japanese invaded Yuncheng. With only one assistant, she led a hundred orphans over the mountains toward free China. During the journey she grappled with fear. After passing a sleepless night she faced the morning with no hope of reaching safety. A thirteen-year-old girl in the group reminded her of their much-loved story of Moses and the Red Sea. 'But I am not Moses,' Gladys sighed in despair. 'Of course you aren't,' the girl said, 'but God is still God!' When Gladys and the orphans made it through, they proved once again that no matter how inadequate we feel, God is still God, and we can still trust Him.
Sometimes God calms the storm, other times He lets the storm rage and calms us. Either way, He sustains us and brings us through. We always have a choice: either we give the burden to God or we try to carry it ourselves. How does God provide for us? One day at a time. Remember the Israelites in the wilderness? Each day God fed them by sending manna from heaven. Notice how it worked. The number of people in your family determined the amount of manna you received, no more and no less. And God would only allow you to collect enough for each day; if you tried to hoard more, it rotted. Getting the idea? So trust God for today and leave tomorrow in His hands. 'Give your burdens to the Lord, and He will take care of you.' (Psalm 55:22 NLT)
And so I went to bed and read Psalm 55 and I prayed all of those words I wrote at the start of this post. And I found peace and calm in the midst of all the turmoil and despair. It is the first time I have felt truly sheltered by God and all I could say was "let me rest in the shelter of Your wing". I am grateful to God for answering that prayer, that need, at a time when I couldn't go on and didn't know what I was going to do.
Things are no better this morning but I am trying to continue to trust in God and rest in Him. There is quietness in my heart despite the turmoil and uncertainty. I have never truly believed I am loved and accepted by God but last night I began to get a glimmer that maybe, just maybe, I am. No one else, no where else, could that peace and calm have come from.
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