You Rescued Me - Geoff Bullock

In case you didn't figure it, the last post was part of my life story. I have told a couple of people I was abused but I have never told anyone about that time, when I thought I was pregnant at 8 years old. I wanted to follow that story up with these words from a Geoff Bullock song. It is my hope and my truth.

You rescued me and picked me up
A living hope of grace revealed
a life transformed in righteousness
Oh Lord You have rescued me

Forgiving me, You healed my heart
and set me free from sin and death
You bought me life, You've made me whole
Oh Lord You have rescued me

And You loved me
before I knew You
and You knew me for all time
I've been created in Your image oh Lord
And You bought me and You sought me
Your blood poured out for me
a new creation in Your image oh Lord
You rescued me

The Little Girl I Cry For

She had only just started school when her brother began abusing her. It started off innocently enough, a little game, a shared secret. He made her feel loved, valued, special. These were things she didn't feel from her parents and so she was vulnerable. Over the next couple of years as he grew older it evolved into sex, one slow step at a time. She didn't want it but when she refused she thought she would die and so she stopped refusing. She just accepted whatever was done to her and was numb.

In third class her school showed the movie "where did I come from?" as the start of very early sex education. She learned that a girl could become pregnant if she had sex. What she missed out on hearing was that a girl needed to be menstruating first and so she became terrified that she was pregnant. For the next 6-7 months every night when she went to bed and every morning when she woke up she would punch herself in the stomach over and over again so that she would lose the baby. She had seen something about that on TV so she thought that was the answer. She read the 'where did I come from' book over and over again trying to figure out what was happening to her. Her parents sometimes commented about how much she was looking at it but it was only in passing and not from any real interest or concern. After about 6 months she realised that her stomach wasn't getting any bigger like it should have been and she guessed she wasn't pregnant after all.

But for 6 or so months that little girl lived in absolute terror of being pregnant, of having a baby, of shame and fear and humiliation, of fear that someone would know what was happening to her.

It took another 2 years before the abuse stopped. I still cry for this little girl.

Permission and being a mother

Over the past 20 months I have observed something interesting in the dynamics between DH and I. Since becoming parents, there is an implied assumption that I will be the parent and DH will be only if I am not available. And this is something that has manifest itself in what I am starting to think of as the "med do, women ask" behaviour. By this I mean that DH will come home and say "I am doing X this afternoon and again on Saturday" (where X is something DD can't do with him and therefore I am looking after her). Whereas I am much more likely to say "I am thinking of doing Y, is this OK?" (asking him if he would be so kind as to give up some of his precious time to look after his daughter so I can do something).

And so it got me thinking, why do I feel I need to ask permission to have a life outside of work and the home but DH just assumes it's his right? I am wondering if it is an only child thing because he has never had to stop to think of anyone else along the way or if it is more generic to men.

I am frustrated and I have tried explaining it to DH but he doesn't get it. He says "but you went to mother's group" or something similar. He doesn't get that I would like a little bit of time where I am just me, uninterrupted to do things I would like, so I can refresh adn recharge the batteries.

But then, when I was growing up, my mum didn't have "me time" so is this a new idea for my generation? Am I selfish for hoping for a little bit of time without responsibility?

My story

At our bible study group at the moment we are looking at the question of why, as Christians, we are often afraid to talk about our faith in God and the reason for our hope for eternal life. Part of the study series is to write our story about how and why we became a christian and I have been giving it some thought so I thought I'd write out what is in my head.

I became a christian at a time when my life was really bad. I grew up in an abusive home believing I was unloved, unlovable and worthless. Love was there, but it was conditional and those conditions were continually changing, so I never felt like I could do the right thing to earn the love of my parents. By the time I got to high school I was seriously messed up, planning to live on the streets and suicidal. I ended up sitting with a group of friends who were mostly christians. I realised that there was something different about them and that was something I wanted but I didn't know what it was. Eventually I started going to bible study at lunch with them and I learned that there was a God who created the whole world, including me and that He loves me so much that He was willing send His son to die for me so that I could be loved by Him and have a relationship with Him. It took a while for me to really believe it because how could God love me when my parents didn't? But I clung to that belief and hope - that I was loved, lovable and worthwhile and not only that, but God's love was unconditional. And finally I understood what it was my friends had that I found so attractive - hope and certainty of their security in God and their relationship with Him.

Becoming a Christian didn't miraculously change my life for the better, my family didn't suddenly become warm and loving people but I had certainty that God was bigger than them and He loved me. And God gave me the strength to stay at home and finish my schooling so that I could make something of my life. And God has surrounded me with wonderful friends and mentors who are my family and who fulfil my life in ways I never believed possible growing up.

I still have doubts at times today. It is hard to rewrite the lessons of my childhood and learn to trust again but I am being healed through the love of God, my husband and daughter and the friendships I have.

And I am grateful to God for my life.