I can't believe how sooky I have become lol! I know, I need to reframe the way I think about crying and 'negative' emotions.
Anyway, he came and asked if he could see me for a minute. I follow him to his office thinking "crap, someone has noticed how much time I've spent on the net at work lately and I'm in for it", expecially when he closed the door behind us. Then he handed me something, saying "I got something for you". He had had a massage yesterday and he bought me a one hour gift certificate for a massage because he was so sad to hear that I had had the miscarriage.
When I cried in front of him on Monday I thought he seemed a bit teary but I wasn't sure cos, you know, boys don't do that. So I said thank you and got all teary, told him he was making me cry and his eyes got all misty. Fortunately the phone rang and he had to get it... so I made my escape with some dignity intact.
What a guy! So now, of course, I have to take back all the uncharitable thoughts I've had about him over his semi-obvious favouritism of a mate in our office.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Men!!!!!
Seriously!
I was reading a blog post from Mamamia and I told DH I wanted to link it to Facebook because I thought it was a very good, very informative and timely article (cos I am sick of comments from people about my tummy, two of the girls at church suspect I am pregnant and I keep seeing sideways looks at my tummy... and yes, I am paranoid and sensitive but it doesn't change the fact). I asked his input because, obviously, if I put something like that up, it would impact on him too.
Anyway, we got into quite a heated discussion of how he believes there are some things that we only share with family and a few close friends, if that, and miscarriage is one of them. I said that I think it is wrong that we are quite free to discuss the loss of a friend, relative or pet but no one wants to discuss the loss of a baby either through miscarriage or still birth. He thinks it entirely inappropriate to share that sort of information with people that aren't immediate friends or family and definitely not with men. I said I thought it sad that there was such a taboo about a genuine loss that so many women experience.
As usual, he didn't really hear my perspective and we just ended up shitty with each other. Needless to say, I didn't post the link to FB because I don't want it to have a negative impact on him that he isn't prepared for or able to cope with.
And I think that is the crux of it because he said about an hour later how uncomfortable he felt when a lady from church, who he knows but isn't all that friendly with, asked him how he was on Sunday in such a way as to indicate that she was aware of my miscarriage (thanks to the gossip grapevine, not me). So I think what it really comes down to is he has the emotional range of a teaspoon and if and when there may be some emotion, he certainly doesn't want it to be public in any way, shape or form. And that I think is where his overreaction and need for secrecy lies. There is no way in the world he would acknowledge it or admit to it though.
So, I will say again... Men!!!!
I was reading a blog post from Mamamia and I told DH I wanted to link it to Facebook because I thought it was a very good, very informative and timely article (cos I am sick of comments from people about my tummy, two of the girls at church suspect I am pregnant and I keep seeing sideways looks at my tummy... and yes, I am paranoid and sensitive but it doesn't change the fact). I asked his input because, obviously, if I put something like that up, it would impact on him too.
Anyway, we got into quite a heated discussion of how he believes there are some things that we only share with family and a few close friends, if that, and miscarriage is one of them. I said that I think it is wrong that we are quite free to discuss the loss of a friend, relative or pet but no one wants to discuss the loss of a baby either through miscarriage or still birth. He thinks it entirely inappropriate to share that sort of information with people that aren't immediate friends or family and definitely not with men. I said I thought it sad that there was such a taboo about a genuine loss that so many women experience.
As usual, he didn't really hear my perspective and we just ended up shitty with each other. Needless to say, I didn't post the link to FB because I don't want it to have a negative impact on him that he isn't prepared for or able to cope with.
And I think that is the crux of it because he said about an hour later how uncomfortable he felt when a lady from church, who he knows but isn't all that friendly with, asked him how he was on Sunday in such a way as to indicate that she was aware of my miscarriage (thanks to the gossip grapevine, not me). So I think what it really comes down to is he has the emotional range of a teaspoon and if and when there may be some emotion, he certainly doesn't want it to be public in any way, shape or form. And that I think is where his overreaction and need for secrecy lies. There is no way in the world he would acknowledge it or admit to it though.
So, I will say again... Men!!!!
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Ivf Counsellor
I went to see the ivf counsellor yesterday as I am still so bloody teary about this miscarriage and feel like I "should" be over it because I was after 2-3 weeks after my first miscarriage. I went with a lot of trepidation, because, you know me, I hate talking about myself and my 'stuff'. But she was good. Never before have I met someone who can out silence me... but it was a bit disconcerting as she would just sit in silence staring at me.
I spent most of the hour crying. She helped me to realise that I am actually grieving for a baby. I have told myself over and over that it was just an embryo but in my heart, I had already bonded with this "baby", despite trying to stay disconnected. I had a sense it was a boy and I had begun to make plans, have hopes and dreams for it and for us as a family. So I am grieving for a baby, plus my lost dreams and hopes and plans. I have allowed myself to be very sad and upset and hurt that I lost an embryo and a much wanted pregnancy, but I hadn't really allowed myself to grieve for the child it was to be. Talking to her about it helped. I think I will go back and see her again in a couple of weeks when I have had some time to process this.
She also suggested some things that people in similar situations do to help with the grieving process: write a letter to their baby or hold a ceremony of some sort. I wouldn't do the ceremony, but I like the idea of writing a letter. I think I will write one to each of the babies I have miscarried. I think that would be very helpful for me. I just need to find the time and space to do it when there is no DH or DD around so I have time to write, time to cry, time to mourn and find space for healing.
She also gave me a bear from Bears of Hope which was very nice, but made me bawl even more. I have also decided I am going to buy another bear for our first miscarried bub. Something that I can keep, just for me, in rememberance of another child that wasn't to be. I think the shopping for just the right bear will be very helpful and healing in itself.
One of the other things she suggested is that healing comes through talking about my experiences, my shattered hopes and dreams. I just might do that some time. I think I feel like I can't because I think people think I should be over it and also people don't know what to say so they feel uncomfortable and I don't want to make people uncomfortable.
Speaking of uncomfortable, I had a catch up meeting with my boss (male) yesterday. I am running behind on a couple of things because 1) I had a month off, with one week sick then 3 weeks for the miscarriage and 2) because my head really isn't together still and I am having a lot of trouble concentrating and writing clearly for my reports. So I thought I'd better just let him know I don't 'have my shit together' right now. I just said to him "my head is still all over the place and I am struggling to concentrate and am really not at my best just now" and started crying. Poor guy. He handed me some tissues, told me if there was anything he could do... told me I was free to take time off any time I need it without explaining. Very kind and helpful but man... do I have to cry in front of my boss???? Seriously! And then, why can't I cry with you girls who are my most lovely friends? Or even my psych who's bin seems to be permanently full of tissues?
Anyway, am crying now and am at work so had better "get my shit together".
I spent most of the hour crying. She helped me to realise that I am actually grieving for a baby. I have told myself over and over that it was just an embryo but in my heart, I had already bonded with this "baby", despite trying to stay disconnected. I had a sense it was a boy and I had begun to make plans, have hopes and dreams for it and for us as a family. So I am grieving for a baby, plus my lost dreams and hopes and plans. I have allowed myself to be very sad and upset and hurt that I lost an embryo and a much wanted pregnancy, but I hadn't really allowed myself to grieve for the child it was to be. Talking to her about it helped. I think I will go back and see her again in a couple of weeks when I have had some time to process this.
She also suggested some things that people in similar situations do to help with the grieving process: write a letter to their baby or hold a ceremony of some sort. I wouldn't do the ceremony, but I like the idea of writing a letter. I think I will write one to each of the babies I have miscarried. I think that would be very helpful for me. I just need to find the time and space to do it when there is no DH or DD around so I have time to write, time to cry, time to mourn and find space for healing.
She also gave me a bear from Bears of Hope which was very nice, but made me bawl even more. I have also decided I am going to buy another bear for our first miscarried bub. Something that I can keep, just for me, in rememberance of another child that wasn't to be. I think the shopping for just the right bear will be very helpful and healing in itself.
One of the other things she suggested is that healing comes through talking about my experiences, my shattered hopes and dreams. I just might do that some time. I think I feel like I can't because I think people think I should be over it and also people don't know what to say so they feel uncomfortable and I don't want to make people uncomfortable.
Speaking of uncomfortable, I had a catch up meeting with my boss (male) yesterday. I am running behind on a couple of things because 1) I had a month off, with one week sick then 3 weeks for the miscarriage and 2) because my head really isn't together still and I am having a lot of trouble concentrating and writing clearly for my reports. So I thought I'd better just let him know I don't 'have my shit together' right now. I just said to him "my head is still all over the place and I am struggling to concentrate and am really not at my best just now" and started crying. Poor guy. He handed me some tissues, told me if there was anything he could do... told me I was free to take time off any time I need it without explaining. Very kind and helpful but man... do I have to cry in front of my boss???? Seriously! And then, why can't I cry with you girls who are my most lovely friends? Or even my psych who's bin seems to be permanently full of tissues?
Anyway, am crying now and am at work so had better "get my shit together".
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Coincidence? and a vent
First for the coincidence
I went to see my physio yesterday to get all the knots etc worked out of my back and neck. I have known him for years and saw him very frequently about 15 years ago when I had a bad shoulder injury. I have seen him on and off since then and we talk about all sorts of stuff, like what a controlling, manipulative cow my mother is. Anyway, his admin girl looked up when I had last been to see him and it was 2 days short of a year. So my physio says "gosh you're all knots, has your mum been visiting?" I'm like, no but I will be seeing her on Friday. So then we laughed about how it was a year since I've seen him and mum was visiting same time last year for a dog thing too. So... coincidence???
Now for the vent.. also about my mother
What I would dearly love to say but won't-
Mum, it's my body and I know what I need to do for me. As I told you just after my miscarriage, and I will tell you again seeing you think you know everything, a curette would not solve my infertility problem because there is nothing there to solve. Yes, so you have heard so many stories of people unable to conceive having a curette and then falling pregnant; good luck to them. I have had so many ultrasounds, yes, the undignified 'stick the probe up the vajayjay' ones that give you a really good look (not to mention the endoscope and hysteroscope (sp?)), and there are no cysts, no polyps, no scarring, no endometriosis, nothing; just a clean bill of health with normal ovaries and uterus. So no, a curette wouldn't change that. Instead there is a risk it could cause scarring or other damage. And besides, talking to the fertility clinic this morning, there is a really good chance that the way my asthma was at the time of my miscarriage, an anaesthetist would have been very hesitant to put me under. So, as I said before and I will say again, I made the right choice for me and the choice I needed to make at the time.
Who knows, if she pushes enough buttons on Friday I may well say all of that to her anyway.
I went to see my physio yesterday to get all the knots etc worked out of my back and neck. I have known him for years and saw him very frequently about 15 years ago when I had a bad shoulder injury. I have seen him on and off since then and we talk about all sorts of stuff, like what a controlling, manipulative cow my mother is. Anyway, his admin girl looked up when I had last been to see him and it was 2 days short of a year. So my physio says "gosh you're all knots, has your mum been visiting?" I'm like, no but I will be seeing her on Friday. So then we laughed about how it was a year since I've seen him and mum was visiting same time last year for a dog thing too. So... coincidence???
Now for the vent.. also about my mother
What I would dearly love to say but won't-
Mum, it's my body and I know what I need to do for me. As I told you just after my miscarriage, and I will tell you again seeing you think you know everything, a curette would not solve my infertility problem because there is nothing there to solve. Yes, so you have heard so many stories of people unable to conceive having a curette and then falling pregnant; good luck to them. I have had so many ultrasounds, yes, the undignified 'stick the probe up the vajayjay' ones that give you a really good look (not to mention the endoscope and hysteroscope (sp?)), and there are no cysts, no polyps, no scarring, no endometriosis, nothing; just a clean bill of health with normal ovaries and uterus. So no, a curette wouldn't change that. Instead there is a risk it could cause scarring or other damage. And besides, talking to the fertility clinic this morning, there is a really good chance that the way my asthma was at the time of my miscarriage, an anaesthetist would have been very hesitant to put me under. So, as I said before and I will say again, I made the right choice for me and the choice I needed to make at the time.
Who knows, if she pushes enough buttons on Friday I may well say all of that to her anyway.
Monday, August 9, 2010
Time to refocus
I am back at work, feeling slightly better and over most of the physical symptoms of my miscarriage, so I figured it's time to change my focus a bit.
My goal for the next little while is to get on top of my veggie garden and the whole 'green living' thing. I came across this blog from a newsletter I subscribe to and I really liked this bit -
"Reduce: Slow down your purchasing and consumption overall. Start asking yourself, do I really need it? Will I be happier having it? Why am I buying or using this? How many hours do I need to work to pay for this? This is an easy first step to start being an ecologically conscious consumer."
I particularly like the bit in bold; how many hours do I need to work to pay for this? It is a good way to think about the true value, to you, of whatever the item is.
We live in such a consumer driven society. We shop for pleasure, to reduce our misery, for that temporary good feeling etc. We buy stuff because it was on sale, not because we need it. We throw away copious amounts of unused, spoiled food and other stuff that we bring into our lives without thinking about.
So it's got me thinking about what it is I want from life. I have long been attracted to the idea of voluntary simplicity or frugality. My trouble is convincing DH to join me on the journey.
To be honest, I am still sad about the miscarriage. I am still sad about the one I had 14 months ago, but with time, the pain eases, the grieving slows and I know I will be OK. I will always be sad at the lost opportunity, the potential children that never were, but I will be OK.
I like the idea of grounding myself by digging in the soil, feeling the sun on my back and making changes that I know are good for me, good for my family and good for the long term sustainability of the planet (as daggy as that sounds).
My goal for the next little while is to get on top of my veggie garden and the whole 'green living' thing. I came across this blog from a newsletter I subscribe to and I really liked this bit -
"Reduce: Slow down your purchasing and consumption overall. Start asking yourself, do I really need it? Will I be happier having it? Why am I buying or using this? How many hours do I need to work to pay for this? This is an easy first step to start being an ecologically conscious consumer."
I particularly like the bit in bold; how many hours do I need to work to pay for this? It is a good way to think about the true value, to you, of whatever the item is.
We live in such a consumer driven society. We shop for pleasure, to reduce our misery, for that temporary good feeling etc. We buy stuff because it was on sale, not because we need it. We throw away copious amounts of unused, spoiled food and other stuff that we bring into our lives without thinking about.
So it's got me thinking about what it is I want from life. I have long been attracted to the idea of voluntary simplicity or frugality. My trouble is convincing DH to join me on the journey.
To be honest, I am still sad about the miscarriage. I am still sad about the one I had 14 months ago, but with time, the pain eases, the grieving slows and I know I will be OK. I will always be sad at the lost opportunity, the potential children that never were, but I will be OK.
I like the idea of grounding myself by digging in the soil, feeling the sun on my back and making changes that I know are good for me, good for my family and good for the long term sustainability of the planet (as daggy as that sounds).
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Trust and tears
When I saw my psych recently I showed her the post I had written about crying so much at church. To me, I see my crying as a sign of weakness and was really annoyed at myself that I would show that in front of people. But my psych asked me why she thought I felt safe enough for the walls to come down and the tears to come. I hadn't thought of it like that and I'm still not sure if I do, because I have seen other friends that I would have said I trust more since having my miscarriage and I have had my "brave" face on.
So then, if it's not a matter of level of trust, what is it? What caused it? I am wondering this as it is church tomorrow and I don't want to go there and cry again but I fear that I might. So then, what is it about church that makes me cry?
So then, if it's not a matter of level of trust, what is it? What caused it? I am wondering this as it is church tomorrow and I don't want to go there and cry again but I fear that I might. So then, what is it about church that makes me cry?
Thursday, August 5, 2010
A revelation
I had a bit of an "ah - ha" moment today so I thought I would write about it.
One of my friend's got her positive pregnancy test. It is the friend I was really hopeful for and I have been saying I would do the happy dance for her. I always thought I would because I so wanted her to get pregnant again but I always wondered if I truly would do the happy dance or be completely, utterly envious.
Well I found out today she got her positive blood test and I also found out that yes, I honestly could do the happy dance for her. Of course I am sad for me that I lost my pregnancy, but hearing her good news actually lifted my heart a bit.
And it got me thinking, if I can feel genuinely happy for her, why can't I for others? Yes, this friend carried her baby to term and lost her precious son within an hour of being born. Yes, she has been through a miscarriage and multiple rounds of ivf. But just because my others friends conceive without all of that heartbreak and grief and difficulty, does it make them any less deserving?
And the answer is no. Of all of the people I know who have conceived since I had my first miscarriage, all but one of them wanted their baby. It may have come sooner than they anticipated, as some of them thought they would be trying for a while before it happened.
So are they any less deserving of their baby just because they didn't do it tough to conceive? No. And I realised I should be just as happy for them, that they are having their hoped-for child, as I am for my friend who just got her BFP after going through so much.
I know that won't necessarily change all of the envy and jealousy and it won't take away my grief or pain, but it has shifted my thinking a bit and perhaps that will help me in the long run. Perhaps I can start seeing that other people's pregnancies aren't about me and what I am going, and have gone, through. (Little self-absorbed there huh???)
Not sure there will be any further happy dances from me at this stage, but my friend, you know who you are, I am doing it for you with a happy heart. And very happy that I can genuinely do that.
One of my friend's got her positive pregnancy test. It is the friend I was really hopeful for and I have been saying I would do the happy dance for her. I always thought I would because I so wanted her to get pregnant again but I always wondered if I truly would do the happy dance or be completely, utterly envious.
Well I found out today she got her positive blood test and I also found out that yes, I honestly could do the happy dance for her. Of course I am sad for me that I lost my pregnancy, but hearing her good news actually lifted my heart a bit.
And it got me thinking, if I can feel genuinely happy for her, why can't I for others? Yes, this friend carried her baby to term and lost her precious son within an hour of being born. Yes, she has been through a miscarriage and multiple rounds of ivf. But just because my others friends conceive without all of that heartbreak and grief and difficulty, does it make them any less deserving?
And the answer is no. Of all of the people I know who have conceived since I had my first miscarriage, all but one of them wanted their baby. It may have come sooner than they anticipated, as some of them thought they would be trying for a while before it happened.
So are they any less deserving of their baby just because they didn't do it tough to conceive? No. And I realised I should be just as happy for them, that they are having their hoped-for child, as I am for my friend who just got her BFP after going through so much.
I know that won't necessarily change all of the envy and jealousy and it won't take away my grief or pain, but it has shifted my thinking a bit and perhaps that will help me in the long run. Perhaps I can start seeing that other people's pregnancies aren't about me and what I am going, and have gone, through. (Little self-absorbed there huh???)
Not sure there will be any further happy dances from me at this stage, but my friend, you know who you are, I am doing it for you with a happy heart. And very happy that I can genuinely do that.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Why is it always the way???
Last year our bub was due 24 December but I miscarried it. A friend from church's bub was due 29 December. She got to have her baby.
When I conceived this year I would have been due 24 Feb, but I miscarried again. A friend from church has just announced she is pregnant and due 16 Feb. Fortunately she is away at the moment due to a RAAF husband but they will no doubt be back in time for me to "celebrate".
Why must they always be so close? Why must I have it rubbed in my face what I have missed, the birth, the baby, the milestones. Why must there be a baby at the same age as mine should have been so I have that constant reminder. Why must I share anniversaries of failed pregnancies with the live baby of someone I know and am friends with?
I really feel like God is mocking me, taunting me because I am not good enough, faithful enough, trusting enough. He asks too much.
There are no words for the grief I feel.
It is too much. Too much to mention, too much to bear.
When I conceived this year I would have been due 24 Feb, but I miscarried again. A friend from church has just announced she is pregnant and due 16 Feb. Fortunately she is away at the moment due to a RAAF husband but they will no doubt be back in time for me to "celebrate".
Why must they always be so close? Why must I have it rubbed in my face what I have missed, the birth, the baby, the milestones. Why must there be a baby at the same age as mine should have been so I have that constant reminder. Why must I share anniversaries of failed pregnancies with the live baby of someone I know and am friends with?
I really feel like God is mocking me, taunting me because I am not good enough, faithful enough, trusting enough. He asks too much.
There are no words for the grief I feel.
It is too much. Too much to mention, too much to bear.
Monday, August 2, 2010
Freakin' water spout!!!!
Damn it, damn it, damn it. For someone who doesn't cry in front of anyone I've turned into a leaky bloody tap! Guess I've moved through the shock part of grieving and have hit the "cry a lot" stage..fark me!
It started yesterday at church when I gave my friend on the door a hug. She asked how I was and I burst into tears. I was still crying when another friend arrived. She took one look at me and guessed what had happened. So we stood outside talking. Another friend spotted us and came out, asked how I was and I said "fine thanks" as the tears started AGAIN! Then a little bit later I took DD to play before creche and another mum, who does know about the miscarriage, came out looked at my face, she got teary so I started crying. And then AGAIN later, after church, when I was talking to someone I hardly know. FFS!!!
Then this morning my MIL arrives. I give her a hug to say thank you for the lovely flowers she sent us. She asks how I am and I get all teary AGAIN. Then she gets teary which makes me more teary. FFS!!!!
I don't want to cry in front of people...argh! This is ridiculous...
having said that, my psych would want me to stop my head and the analyzing kicking in - "this is ridiculous" is a cognition thing. She would want me to sit and figure out how my body actually physically feels at this point in time. Sounds a bit like mumbo jumbo but makes sense in context.
So let's see....I don't think I can feel my body. Yep it's there, bum on seat, foot on timber back of computer desk... feeling emotions in my body.... OK, so there's something in my chest but I can't describe it. It's not tight, it's not burning, I don't feel sick... it's kinda hot and cold and weird. I guess I don't "do" emotions very well.
Rain, rain, go away, please don't come another day... in this context the rain is my tears. I need and want to stop crying at the drop of a hat. It isn't me. I don't do that. I don't want to do that. I hate it. Oops, that's me thinking again not just sitting with the feeling.
ps... didn't tkae sleeping tablets last night as they seem to kick in in the wee hours of the morning and make waking up the next day almost impossible. DH had to leave very early for work so I needed to be available for DD. Took a while to fall asleep but certainly not hours. Thank goodness I finally got a bit of relief from the insomnia. Fingers crossed it continues.
It started yesterday at church when I gave my friend on the door a hug. She asked how I was and I burst into tears. I was still crying when another friend arrived. She took one look at me and guessed what had happened. So we stood outside talking. Another friend spotted us and came out, asked how I was and I said "fine thanks" as the tears started AGAIN! Then a little bit later I took DD to play before creche and another mum, who does know about the miscarriage, came out looked at my face, she got teary so I started crying. And then AGAIN later, after church, when I was talking to someone I hardly know. FFS!!!
Then this morning my MIL arrives. I give her a hug to say thank you for the lovely flowers she sent us. She asks how I am and I get all teary AGAIN. Then she gets teary which makes me more teary. FFS!!!!
I don't want to cry in front of people...argh! This is ridiculous...
having said that, my psych would want me to stop my head and the analyzing kicking in - "this is ridiculous" is a cognition thing. She would want me to sit and figure out how my body actually physically feels at this point in time. Sounds a bit like mumbo jumbo but makes sense in context.
So let's see....I don't think I can feel my body. Yep it's there, bum on seat, foot on timber back of computer desk... feeling emotions in my body.... OK, so there's something in my chest but I can't describe it. It's not tight, it's not burning, I don't feel sick... it's kinda hot and cold and weird. I guess I don't "do" emotions very well.
Rain, rain, go away, please don't come another day... in this context the rain is my tears. I need and want to stop crying at the drop of a hat. It isn't me. I don't do that. I don't want to do that. I hate it. Oops, that's me thinking again not just sitting with the feeling.
ps... didn't tkae sleeping tablets last night as they seem to kick in in the wee hours of the morning and make waking up the next day almost impossible. DH had to leave very early for work so I needed to be available for DD. Took a while to fall asleep but certainly not hours. Thank goodness I finally got a bit of relief from the insomnia. Fingers crossed it continues.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Feeling like a complete biatch
I am biding my time, waiting with bated breath to hear whether or not a friend will get a BFP in this round of ivf. I am so hopeful she will.
And at the same time I am dreading hearing that another friend has conceived. Which makes me feel like a total bitch. Of course I would be happy if my friend conceived BUT she was told she would never have children. She already has 2, which were conceived naturally within 2-3 months of trying each time. So I know she will be falling pregnant in no time. And of course, I will be happy for her. She is a wonderful person and a fantastic mum.
Why the difference in reaction? I can't really explain. There is just a world of grief and pain.
I don't want to be envious. I don't want to be jealous. I don't want to be sad and hurting when I learn of yet another person getting pregnant. I don't want to be that person. But it serves as a constant, painful reminder of what I don't have. It opens up the grief and heartache, makes it fresh once more. Of course I am happy for them, but it just amplifies my pain.
Being around pregnant people and newborns causes me a physical ache in my heart at the moment.
ps.... sleeping tablets didn't help. Double dose last night didn't make a difference. I can't up them any further. Will try again tonight and see what happens or I may well be back to my gp.
And at the same time I am dreading hearing that another friend has conceived. Which makes me feel like a total bitch. Of course I would be happy if my friend conceived BUT she was told she would never have children. She already has 2, which were conceived naturally within 2-3 months of trying each time. So I know she will be falling pregnant in no time. And of course, I will be happy for her. She is a wonderful person and a fantastic mum.
Why the difference in reaction? I can't really explain. There is just a world of grief and pain.
I don't want to be envious. I don't want to be jealous. I don't want to be sad and hurting when I learn of yet another person getting pregnant. I don't want to be that person. But it serves as a constant, painful reminder of what I don't have. It opens up the grief and heartache, makes it fresh once more. Of course I am happy for them, but it just amplifies my pain.
Being around pregnant people and newborns causes me a physical ache in my heart at the moment.
ps.... sleeping tablets didn't help. Double dose last night didn't make a difference. I can't up them any further. Will try again tonight and see what happens or I may well be back to my gp.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)