Time to wake up and smell the coffee.....

OK, here and now I give you, the reader, permission to remind me of anything I am about to write and to *gently* belt me over the head when I fail... and fail I know I will. Not because I want to but because I, like everyone else, am human.

I have decided it is time to get over myself and my pity party. I wouldn't say it has all been a pity party but I do think I have spent way too much time worrying about what is wrong in my life, not about what is right. And so, I want to STOP right now.

There are a lot of good things in my life. My DH is one of them. My DD is another. My wonderful friends are a third. And then there is my good health, my extended family, a good job, a good church, good neighbours, a nice enough house with a nicer one on the way, no major debt, owning my own car complete with heated leather seats (wonderful in winter, not so good in summer), the space and opportunity to grow my own fruit and veggies, have a dog, raise some chickens... the list truly does go on and on and on.

I know that just by saying I am giving up my pity party and self pity won't automatically mean I will and it also won't mean that suddenly everything is good and wonderful. My marriage still has some struggles I need to work through, I am not pregnant and my family are still right royal PITA. But I want to shift my focus away from me. I want to shift my focus away from my problems.

As cliched as it may sound, I want my focus to be on God and on all the good in my life. I want to learn and grow and change. I want to value people more and doubt myself less. I want to get up singing because there are good things in my life and in this world, rather than get up tired and grumpy focusing on what went wrong yesterday or what is going to be hard today. I want to walk with a lift in my stride rather than slump along, self absorbed.

I know I am setting myself up for disappointment in some ways, as the emotional roller coasters of depression and trying to conceive aren't that easy and simple. There is a LOT of pain, grief and heartache involved. But I want my attitude to change.

I know (in my head for now) that the God who made me loves me, cherishes me and shelters me. He is bigger than anything in my life and if I would just stop thinking I know what is best for me, He will fill my life with so many wonderful and good things. It is only in Him, with my focus on Him, that my eyes will be turned away from myself and I will clearly see. I know this because it says it in the Bible. I just need to have the faith to believe it. Unfortunately that is where I stumble time and time again... I am a doubting Thomas, always seeking proof, always wanting answers and always doubting. So, today, I am committing myself to trying to change. I am committing myself once more to my God and Saviour, trusting in His word and all that He says, even when it is hard to see and especially when I want to doubt.

Heavenly Father, I commit myself to you now. I acknowledge you as my Lord and Saviour and accept Jesus' death on the cross as my salvation. I know I can't earn salvation. I can't earn a place in Heaven, no matter how good I think I am and how much better I seem when I compare myself to others. I accept You at Your word now and I ask that You will take away my doubts. Those times when I am tempted to doubt You love me, tempted to doubt You care for me and want what is best for me, help me always to turn back to You and back to Your word and to trust that if You said it, it must be true. I pray for Your strength to fill me now. Help me to stay committed to my decision today. Help me to know, even in those times of grief and heartache and despair, that it is not You and Your doing but that I can trust Your word even when I don't always understand. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen.

OK, as I said, belt me over the head if you think I am getting into an "oh woe is me" state once more. No doubt I will sooner that anyone would expect as I am currently waiting for my period to arrive so I can have an ultrasound and then we can look at starting a new ivf cycle.

Already I am thinking "this cycle will fail" and already I am anticipating grief and despair and pain. I am so dumb. Please, gently and lovingly, when I hit that place, if I hit that place, tell me I am dumb.

Isn't it funny or stupid or something - I feel more vulnerable writing out my prayer today than I did sharing my deepest, darkest, most painful memories. How can I be so ashamed of my faith in God, so scared of what people will think compared to what they would think of me for my childhood?

Sucky or Sooky????

I’m at that stupid point I come to over and over again where I feel very down and there is no one thing causing it. It is simply a case of everything and nothing.

Maturity Course and Me Time
Last night was the last night of our spiritual maturity course and while I certainly wouldn’t say I have become more mature, it has been good and I am feeling pretty bummed that it has finished. The main reason I am feeling bummed though, on reflection, is that for the past 6 weeks, one night a week as been just for me. I haven’t had DD to worry about. I haven’t had other jobs I “should” be doing. It’s just been a chance to have some time for me…that is just for me. And it has been lovely to spend it with the other people in the course. I know DD is in child care on a Friday so that is technically a “me” day, but I always feel obligated to do ‘stuff’ – housework primarily, pay bills, general running around… you know the usual guff that goes with living. I don’t feel like it is allowed to be time just for me. And so the maturity course met that need. Plus I got to travel to and from the course with a lovely friend who I have gotten to know much better.

I love that I miss DD on a Friday. It is so nice to miss her. And even nicer to be greeted by her running over to throw her arms around me with a big cry of “mummy”.

But of course I am feeling guilty about wanting and needing me time.

Sleep…. I just need to rest
As I’m sure pretty much everyone knows, sleep is an ongoing battle in our house with DD, and DH and I can’t seem to agree on it. It is the source of so many battles, disagreements and frustration. I get so annoyed because I don’t think it is good or healthy for DD and I only want what is best for her. DH doesn’t get that. He thinks I just let myself get worked up over nothing. It is so frustrating. I so don’t get why she won’t sleep when she’s tired. I’d give anything to do that lol! Everything always looks so much worse when you are tired.

Worried about Surgery
I am worried about the surgery on Friday. Not so much worried about the surgery as I am pretty confident that it will go fine, that my surgeon knows what he’s doing and that I won’t fit into the small percentage of people who have things go wrong. I think I am worried about a big, scary, bad or possibly fatal diagnosis. I am worried about what the outcome will be. And I guess there is also a bit of fear that he might put a hole in a hugely important part of my body… like my bowel maybe! I am a worrier, in case you didn’t know.

Facing my past and moving on
I am scared about taking a look at my past once more. I want it over and done with forever. Why can’t it have shaped who I am, but no longer be affecting me? Why can’t I move on, acknowledging what happened, truly believing it wasn’t my fault, accepting it is part of me but it doesn’t define me and move on? I am stuck. I know I am going to counselling to help this process but I am an “I want it now” kinda girl…well, when it comes to healing, I want it to be finally done and dusted, never to raise it’s ugly head again. But that is wishful thinking. I can hide or bury my head ostrich like for as long as I want…. until my brother has his baby. Then I think my world might collapse for a while.

I want more kids
In case you have missed the bulletin, I WANT MORE KIDS!!! I am scared that it may never happen. People tell me to have faith, to believe that God will provide, God will answer, but what if it is God’s will that we don’t have any more? How can I trust in God if that is the case? I am just waiting now for my next period to arrive so we can then do an ultrasound to check for polyps or anything else that may affect ivf success….but see above… I am an “I want it now” kinda girl lol! I want to be big and fat and ungainly. I want to be eagerly anticipating the arrival of a second child, a sibling for DD. I am scared of going through the ivf process and it failing. I am scared that I might not cope, that a failure with ivf might be enough to push me over the edge… that my emotions will be so strong and so irrational that I will not cope.

I’m sick of being surrounded by kids and pregnant people
So far, this year, since our bub should have been born, there have been 3 babies born plus 6 more friends and my brother are expecting. I want to share their joy and I am happy for them, but it hurts so much too. I don’t want to be surrounded by all of these people when my heart still hurts and grieves at times and when I am going through so much heartache and fear and worry about whether or not we will ever have any more children.

My mothers group has been my safe haven, cos we are all, but one of us, older and the others aren't planning or wanting more kids. But the younger, of course, recently fell pregnant almost without trying. So now my safe haven of lovely girl friends where I can be me and share and have fun and relax, is no longer a safe haven. It is just a place where it will become more and more in my face what I am missing. I don't know if I want to, or even can, be part of it at the moment. But that is so stupid. They are lovely people and it's not my friend's fault she is pregnant without all the added stress and hassle we have to endure. So I will suck it up and continue because they are all good people. It will just hurt and rub a raw wound for a while.

I am a selfish git and I am sorry to the friends I can't be there for because of my pain. I hate my selfishness in me but am not yet in a place to move on from it. I wish I was.

Family
Oh… and then there’s a bunch of other things like what to do about my mother and my brother. Do I want them in my life still or would it be better for me without them? What is the right or Christian response? Could I deal with the fall out if I told them to go away? Have they really done anything that is bad enough to warrant telling them to bugger off? I don’t know. I can’t tell.

Ultimately, I just feel like nothing in my life is bad enough for me to feel as bad as I do.

So I feel like I should suck it up, stop focussing on myself and my problems, get over myself and get on with it. But I am just so depressed it is hard to move.

Love and marriage.....

How well do a horse and carriage really go together? I mean, the horse is fine without the carriage and it probably really sucks having to tow that extra weight when I'm pretty sure the horse would rather just run free, gallop and roll in the grass. And as for the carriage... it really is just dead weight. It doesn't really add anything to the horse or support the horse in any way. It just creates more work. Not sure what this means, just pondering out loud.

I've been thinking about marriage and in particular, my marriage, over the past month or so. I do have a good husband and we have been pretty happy, for the most part, for many years, recently celebrating... well, not exactly celebrating as we ate Hungry Jacks and bought a BBQ. - super romantic husband I have there (definitely a keeper lol!).. 10 years of marriage.

But lately I haven't been happy and I've been trying to figure out why not. I mean, I have a good husband who doesn't beat me or abuse me, he might sometimes put me down but it is almost always unintentional, he doesn't always listen and it certainly doesn't feel like he does his share of the housework, but he is a good father and a loving and supportive husband. And that is the hiccup...

except for a very bleak time in his life where his job was challenging, his boss was a malicious bastard and everything built up to almost breaking point for him, he has been a good, loving and supportive husband.

But not lately. Lately, because everything has been so stressful and upsetting for me, I have needed him and for some reason he isn't there for me. He isn't available emotionally or physically... cough ... cough.. who needs THAT anyway?!?!?! Oh hang on, we're trying to have more kids... so I guess we do need that lol!

I need my husband to be there to listen without judging me or treating me like one of his clients. I don't need him to counsel me. I need him to be a husband who agrees "yes that does suck" and "yes it is unfair" not "I think your emotions are too extreme for the situation" which is all I seem to get of late. Yes, sometimes my emotions may be out of proportion to the thing that upset me.. but perhaps if he was there for me when I needed it, I wouldn't bottle it all up until it does explode into something "too extreme".

And I get so hurt that he will get up in front of the church when he is leading worship and talk about something he read or thought about and to pray for everyone, but he will not ever discuss any of it with me, talk to me about God, the bible, his thoughts or prayer. I have told him I don't like this and I want to talk with him and pray with him, but nothing changes. So I've given up.

We just aren't communicating at the moment. And it's annoying. I would like it to change but I don't feel capable of doing it or making it happen at the moment. I am too raw, too vulnerable, too exhausted and likely to just passively cave in to anything he said rather than invest the energy into saying what I want.

So I suppose I am wondering what other people's marriages look like? I know there is no one, or right, model. I know for a long time DHand I existed almost as 2 ships passing in the night and that was fine - it worked for us - because neither of us needed the other at that time. All was good in both our worlds. But now that I need him and he isn't there.

I am wondering how people do this?

Oh the rollercoaster of depression

Yesterday was a pretty good day. It was my Friday, at the end of a hectic week. I had a couple of productive meetings and got to pop in to a very good friends house for half an hour which was a definite added bonus. To finish my day I spent 2 hours working on an information/fact sheet for businesses, which I really enjoyed, and which turned out pretty darn good even if I do say so myself. I love environmental education. Wish I could do more of it. It was a long day. I left home at 7am and got home at 7pm... a big day for me as a public servant l0l!

And then I get home to find DH has let DD have a late afternoon sleep. Only waking her about 5pm. And so began a night of shittiness. I have said so many times that she can't have a late day sleep because it makes our nights hell but NO ONE listens to me. DH doesn't. MIL doesn't. And I am the one left trying to deal with it. So DD was up until 11:30pm last night - way too late for a poor little 2 year old. And DH kept telling me I was working myself up and to just go with it. But I was so shitty at him for ignoring me yet again and he didn't suffer the consequences cos she wanted me. He just fell asleep on the lounge. And so I ended my Wednesday badly... angry, frustrated and sleeping on the lounge cos I just didn't want to share a bed with him. Not a good sign, I know.

And today sucks too. I am feeling so down, so flat. I just want to curl up in a ball under the covers and never get up again. But I took DD to swimming and then we went shopping and now I am trying to get her to rest so she won't be feral tonight. I don't know why I bother. I am out tonight so maybe DH should just have to suffer. But it's not fair on her and that is what makes me so angry. DD and her welfare should be our priority, not our own selfish desires. But DH left her sleep so he could play guitar.

And I am really down. I tried calling 2 friends but got their answering machines. I NEVER call people when I am down. I thought I'd try a novel approach and reach out to someone cos things are really bad, but no one's home and that sucks.

Oh well. I will get over myself and this. I don't know if I am just feeling so down because I am exhausted physically and emotionally or if it's because I am anxious about seeing the psych on Saturday, or the surgery next Friday. Or maybe it's just the 50 other things going on.....

Today is a bad day. The spiral and cycle of thoughts aren't good. But I will get through it. I know I will. I just need to ride it out. And maybe hope that one of my friends is around later. Just need a good girlie chat and maybe a good cry.

Think I am off to by coke :)

ps.... if anyone knows how to get this stupid thing to put a break between each paragraph, please tell me. It used to work and now doesn't want to and I don't know how to fix it.

Once, twice, three times.... I'm paying attention

I don't know if it's because I've been doing the maturity course, so there are a bunch of people praying for me, not to mention all of the wonderful friends I have praying for me, or if it is just because, but I have been finding over the past 3 or so weeks that I feel much more open to hearing God's promptings. But I figure once could be an accident, twice a coincident and three times perhaps I should shut up and listen....

It all started when my wonderful friend Niki sent me a snippet of a talk that said something like "don't keep rehearsing your beginnings" and then, in the space of about 10 days - 2 weeks, I had the same message come to me via an emailed bible study and then a talk on the radio. Perhaps it is coincidence and something about this time of year that has made it a hot topic, but I choose to believe that it is God trying to get my attention.

Since finding out my brother was expecting a baby I have been feeling well and truly stuck in my past. Flashbacks of his abuse, pain that he can conceive when we can't, fear for his unborn child and what it may experience growing up, and of course, all the usual crap that goes with my mother has had me feeling very bogged down, very depressed and struggling to feel like I have ever dealt with anything and moved on. I feel trapped, as that small, helpless, lost child.

So, I am wanting to listen to God and respond. But I don't know how. I don't know how to let go of my past. I don't know how to forgive and move on. I thought I had, but apparently not. I don't think ignoring it will make it go away, as much as I might hope it will. I am going for my first psychologist appointment this Saturday. Perhaps this will be the start of me moving on. The start of me no longer rehearsing my beginning but able to step out into my future. I hope and pray that it is so.

I am trying to be hopeful and positive in the midst of feeling very, very down.