That's the question I am facing, or was, until I saw my psych today and shared my journalling with her. So I thought I'd write it here as well
I am stuck facing the question of whether or not to go to work on Monday.
Physically I am OK and there is no reason not to, but emotionally I don't think I am ready. But then, if I went to work I would just suck it up and get on with it and I know I would be fine. I went back after 2 weeks last year and I was OK. Maybe I need to get back into routine to help me feel better.
But I am still feeling very teary. I cry myself to sleep some nights or wake up with tears on my cheeks in the night. I feel like I should be over the miscarriage by now. It wasn't a real baby, just an embryo that failed to develop. I've cried and been sad. It should be enough. I should be done and over it now.
Perhaps by staying home another week I am just wallowing and being self-indulgent. DH thinks I should go back. He's had it in his head that I set myself a time limit of 2 weeks and then I'd get on with things.
But I also had plans. My plan was that in my second week off I would take DD for long walks or bike rides to kick start exercising. And that I would change my horrendously bad diet. That I would take time to spring clean the laundry and my craft room. Basically do a thorough overhaul of my lifestyle, spring clean to start afresh. But the trip to Tamworth and the weather have prevented that. I don't feel I can make the changes if I am back at work. I need to make those changes, especially the lifestyle ones, because what I am doing now is so unhealthy. It is an expression of my hurt and anger and self-loathing at this body that has failed me over and over. I want to change, I need to change, but just getting stuck back into normal routine won't allow me to make those changes. I need to start making healthy choices.
I feel like people will think I am a failure or a malingerer if I don't go back to work. I don't want to be judged for the decisions I make.
Telling my psych all of this this morning, she validated my feelings. She also suggested that if someone were to take holidays, it really takes about 3 weeks to unwind, relax and all of that and she pointed out that I wasn't on holidays, I was grieving a planned child, a baby who had become part of my hopes, dreams and life and that there is no time limit to grief. If people need 3 weeks rec leave, surely there is nothing wrong with 3 weeks off after a miscarriage. Her words helped and I realised that I feel stressed if I think of going back to work on Monday but relax a bit if I think of having an extra week off.
So that is what I am doing.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Bliss....sleep
Perhaps I should talk to my psych more often. I came home and slept for 3 hours after seeing her this morning :) I took 5 blog posts for her to read. We talked not so much about their content but rather how my head and my body are so disconnected. Will ponder it some more and see if I can write about it later. I know I live all of my life in my head with my thoughts rather than experiencing life in my body with feelings and emotions.
I tried a sleeping tablet last night. My body felt lovely and relaxed but I was still awake 2 hours later when DH came to bed. Am going to up the dose tonight if falling asleep doesn't work for me naturally and see if that helps. A couple of nights of sleep and I think I will start to feel a lot better.
I have lots to think and write about but have other things to do now. I always come away from my psych with a head full of stuff. I think it is a good thing.
I tried a sleeping tablet last night. My body felt lovely and relaxed but I was still awake 2 hours later when DH came to bed. Am going to up the dose tonight if falling asleep doesn't work for me naturally and see if that helps. A couple of nights of sleep and I think I will start to feel a lot better.
I have lots to think and write about but have other things to do now. I always come away from my psych with a head full of stuff. I think it is a good thing.
Friday, July 30, 2010
A quick update
When I saw my gp last week I spoke to her about my insomnia at the moment. She gave me a prescription for some sleeping tablets to help me fall asleep just at the moment while I cope with this miscarriage, but I am so loathe to take medication and I thought I could do it on my own. But after a week of having trouble falling asleep, and the last two nights not falling asleep until after 2:30am, I decided to get the prescription filled today. Can you believe on the packet it says "warning: may cause drowsiness" pmsl!!! Um...OK. They are sleeping pills so I hope they cause drowsiness or I'm screwed lol!
I had a follow up appointment on Wednesday at the hospital and they are going to monitor me regularly for a little while. I had a blood test which shows my hcg levels (pregnancy hormone) were still at 285 on Wednesday. Given that pregnancy tests usually detect a positive result at somewhere around 20-25, I'm still a long way up at the moment. I will have to have regular blood tests for a while to track it down to below 5, which is where you are classified as 'not pregnant'. Sigh... pin cushion in the lead up to FET, pin cushion post miscarriage. Hopefully I won't have so many holes I start leaking. They always use the same vein and the lady at HAPS on Wednesday was brutal. Give me the nurses at the ivf clinic any day.
I have decided to bite the bullet with my psych. I called on Wed afternoon as it was a REALLY bad day, to see if she had any spare or cancelled appointments. I have an appointment tomorrow morning at 8am. At the moment I am SO NOT a morning person so leaving home by 7:30am to get there will be a challenge. BUT, I have printed out a couple of my blog posts to share with her. I did it once before when there was stuff I wrote on here and wanted to share but knew I would struggle to share it.
I hope you gals who read this know I didn't write my post the other day, the one about the "how are you", about any of you. I know there are no easy answers when someone is in pain and hurting and I know you aren't trained to deal with it, to have the right words or to fix anything. Just knowing you are there, listening and that you care is enough for me. I don't know where I'd be without you all. I need my friends, not more counsellors or psychs :)
I had a follow up appointment on Wednesday at the hospital and they are going to monitor me regularly for a little while. I had a blood test which shows my hcg levels (pregnancy hormone) were still at 285 on Wednesday. Given that pregnancy tests usually detect a positive result at somewhere around 20-25, I'm still a long way up at the moment. I will have to have regular blood tests for a while to track it down to below 5, which is where you are classified as 'not pregnant'. Sigh... pin cushion in the lead up to FET, pin cushion post miscarriage. Hopefully I won't have so many holes I start leaking. They always use the same vein and the lady at HAPS on Wednesday was brutal. Give me the nurses at the ivf clinic any day.
I have decided to bite the bullet with my psych. I called on Wed afternoon as it was a REALLY bad day, to see if she had any spare or cancelled appointments. I have an appointment tomorrow morning at 8am. At the moment I am SO NOT a morning person so leaving home by 7:30am to get there will be a challenge. BUT, I have printed out a couple of my blog posts to share with her. I did it once before when there was stuff I wrote on here and wanted to share but knew I would struggle to share it.
I hope you gals who read this know I didn't write my post the other day, the one about the "how are you", about any of you. I know there are no easy answers when someone is in pain and hurting and I know you aren't trained to deal with it, to have the right words or to fix anything. Just knowing you are there, listening and that you care is enough for me. I don't know where I'd be without you all. I need my friends, not more counsellors or psychs :)
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
I'm OK really
Gosh my last post sounded pretty bleak. I think I am OK really, just being way harder on myself than I need to be. I feel like I "should" be over this miscarriage by now. I think I 'got over' the last one by now so I expect I should be feeling better and have adjusted to the loss by now. But I haven't and I'm not over it. I was so excited and so happy to think that ivf had worked for us once more. There was no hint that anything was wrong at all. I still find myself getting very teary at times, like today at my follow up appointment. They asked me how I was doing emotionally. No one has asked me that. I just wanted to cry and cry and cry. But I didn't. I wouldn't. It touched on a deep, aching need inside that I can't explain.
It was kinda like when I was in hospital at 17 to have my tonsils out. When mum came to get me to take me home I cried. I told mum it was because I was just so tired and my throat hurt so much still. But really I was crying because I had felt cared for and that care had touched on a deep aching need inside. I think it was a bit like that today. The way the doctor asked how I was and the concern on the nurses face just touched that hurting part of me and made me want to cry.
When I think of my childhood and the way my mother treated me, I really don't think it was that bad. I mean she didn't beat me, I was fed, sheltered, cared for, not starved, not locked up. I think I would prefer all of that because then maybe I would feel like the way I feel and my current relationship with her would be justified. And I think of my mother's lack of consistent care and affection, my lack of attachment to her, my lack of security with her and the highly conditional love I experienced from her; none of it seems like it is or was bad enough to cause the problems I have and the way I feel.
Then I remember things like coming home from primary school crying because my friends were picking on me. When she asked what was wrong I cuddled up on her lap and told her why I was crying and what we were fighting about and she gave me a cuddle which was nice. But then some time later she would use what I was crying about as a way to hurt me. I learned very early on that crying gave her a weapon to cause me pain and hurt at a later date, by mocking me or using the same words and situation to lash out at me when she was mad or upset or something.
So it is probably no wonder I won't cry in front of people. I mean, I learned that all crying did was get you teased more at school or used as a tool for emotional abuse at home. So that is why I am so stuck and will not cry in front of my psych. She isn't my mum and I am pretty sure she wouldn't use it to hurt me in any way but there is just a complete block that will not let the tears out. I think it comes down to trust and I would really like to trust her because I really do think she is a good fit for me.
So for someone who would really like to just put all the walls back up, not trust anyone and just bottle everything up once more, I seem to be doing a lot of talking and sharing. I am torn; completely, utterly torn about it all at the moment.
It was kinda like when I was in hospital at 17 to have my tonsils out. When mum came to get me to take me home I cried. I told mum it was because I was just so tired and my throat hurt so much still. But really I was crying because I had felt cared for and that care had touched on a deep aching need inside. I think it was a bit like that today. The way the doctor asked how I was and the concern on the nurses face just touched that hurting part of me and made me want to cry.
When I think of my childhood and the way my mother treated me, I really don't think it was that bad. I mean she didn't beat me, I was fed, sheltered, cared for, not starved, not locked up. I think I would prefer all of that because then maybe I would feel like the way I feel and my current relationship with her would be justified. And I think of my mother's lack of consistent care and affection, my lack of attachment to her, my lack of security with her and the highly conditional love I experienced from her; none of it seems like it is or was bad enough to cause the problems I have and the way I feel.
Then I remember things like coming home from primary school crying because my friends were picking on me. When she asked what was wrong I cuddled up on her lap and told her why I was crying and what we were fighting about and she gave me a cuddle which was nice. But then some time later she would use what I was crying about as a way to hurt me. I learned very early on that crying gave her a weapon to cause me pain and hurt at a later date, by mocking me or using the same words and situation to lash out at me when she was mad or upset or something.
So it is probably no wonder I won't cry in front of people. I mean, I learned that all crying did was get you teased more at school or used as a tool for emotional abuse at home. So that is why I am so stuck and will not cry in front of my psych. She isn't my mum and I am pretty sure she wouldn't use it to hurt me in any way but there is just a complete block that will not let the tears out. I think it comes down to trust and I would really like to trust her because I really do think she is a good fit for me.
So for someone who would really like to just put all the walls back up, not trust anyone and just bottle everything up once more, I seem to be doing a lot of talking and sharing. I am torn; completely, utterly torn about it all at the moment.
The hardest words to say
Such short, simple words, but the hardest ones to say.....
I am not OK. I need help.
But after my last post you may perhaps understand why I can't say them. I think them in the deep, dark, long hours of the night as I lie awake, alone with my grief, heartache and longing. I scream them in my mind. But I can't say them.
So I get up in the morning and suck it up. I need to be a wife, a mother, a friend, a colleague, a neighbour, an employee, a housekeeper, a cook and so much more. So many hats that I need to wear every day. There is no time to not be coping, no time to not be OK, no time to be falling to pieces, no time to grieve and besides, I should be done by now.
It's not OK to not be OK.
I am not OK. I need help.
But after my last post you may perhaps understand why I can't say them. I think them in the deep, dark, long hours of the night as I lie awake, alone with my grief, heartache and longing. I scream them in my mind. But I can't say them.
So I get up in the morning and suck it up. I need to be a wife, a mother, a friend, a colleague, a neighbour, an employee, a housekeeper, a cook and so much more. So many hats that I need to wear every day. There is no time to not be coping, no time to not be OK, no time to be falling to pieces, no time to grieve and besides, I should be done by now.
It's not OK to not be OK.
Openness, honesty and unmet expectations
Well, what can you say/think/do when you tell someone how you are truly feeling and you are met with dead silence? I guess the "how are you?" wasn't genuine cos they certainly didn't want to know the truth. I am sorry that my truth and honesty confronted them where they are at and I know it isn't easy to know what to say but for fuck sake, I lost a baby, I am not going to be a happy camper just now. I need to grieve and yes, there is and will be raw emotions and deep pain for a while yet. But I am sorry. I thought we were friends and that you were genuinely asking. I guess not. I guess it isn't OK for me to have questions for, and about, God.
I knew this trusting people thing was a dumb idea. Somewhere along the way I got conned into thinking it was what people do and it was OK.
Talk about unmet expectations. I didn't expect a theological answer. An "i don't know what to say" or an "I'm sorry it is so tough" or even just a hug would have been OK.
Think I need to reassess and reevaluate. Maybe some time and space to protect myself is needed. Think I'll just build that wall back up.
I will grin and bear it and in future say "I am fine, thanks for asking" with a happy smile on my face. We can all go back to pretending all is well and that there is no grief, pain, heartbreak or doubt in the world.
I knew this trusting people thing was a dumb idea. Somewhere along the way I got conned into thinking it was what people do and it was OK.
Talk about unmet expectations. I didn't expect a theological answer. An "i don't know what to say" or an "I'm sorry it is so tough" or even just a hug would have been OK.
Think I need to reassess and reevaluate. Maybe some time and space to protect myself is needed. Think I'll just build that wall back up.
I will grin and bear it and in future say "I am fine, thanks for asking" with a happy smile on my face. We can all go back to pretending all is well and that there is no grief, pain, heartbreak or doubt in the world.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Feeling stuck and blocked and crappy
I had my psych appointment yesterday. I didn't really want to go because I didn't really want to talk about anything, well, the miscarriage if I am honest. So I go with a plan to not say anything about it and our conversation goes like this:
Psych: "How are you?"
Me: "OK"
Psych: "So how is the pregnancy going?"
Oh well, so much for not discussing it! Probably as good a start as any to our conversation. I felt very teary and a lot of grief but I just can't cry in front of her. And I think that is why I am feeling stuck or blocked. It's like this barrier is there and I can't break through it and so I can't move anywhere. Too much energy goes into not crying. So I am stuck.
I am stuck not knowing what to do about my mother who just pushes all the wrong buttons and just can't or won't be a real mother to me, or not the mother I want. I feel a lot of anger when I think about her at the moment, anger that she sucked so much as a mum when I was growing up, anger that she didn't protect me, anger that she isn't the mother I want or need. But of course, it isn't OK to get angry at her so I just bottle it up. No wonder my neck and shoulders are like bricks from stress.
I am stuck about my brother and whether or not I want to have anything to do with him. I've talked to him a couple of times recently, to congratulate him on the birth of his daughter (which makes me feel physically sick every time I think of it), when he got our present for her and for his birthday. We don't normally talk that often, or maybe about 3-4 times a year, so it's been extra contact. Talking to him about breastfeeding, getting their daughter to sleep, colic and all of that feels so ikky and so wrong. I get flashbacks to his abuse and I can't stand it.
I just feel stuck in every part of my life. I want to be a stay at home mum, but can't even contemplate it until our house is built and this one sold and then we see how we are financially. I had made plans to take 12 months maternity leave again and then look to getting another 12 months leave without pay to give me a chance to experience being a stay at home mum but having the job security to go back to just in case. I found after DD, going back to work part time after 12 months helped with my depression because it gave me structure and routine; that's why I would like some job security in case being a stay at home mum doesn't work for me and my depression.
I feel stuck about trying to conceive. I know I need time to grieve this loss before we think about it again but I can't help but wonder when we will be able to afford to go back again. I should have had a bub by now. It should have been 6 months old. It's not fair. I know all these mums who are putting their 3-4 month olds in child care 2-3 days a week and going back to work and I want to smack them around their heads and say 'don't you realise how lucky you are? don't you realise how precious your child is? It deserves the best of you. You don't need the new car and the big tv but your child needs you'. I know it's wrong to feel like that but it just hurts me that they have what I so desperately long for and they don't seem to value it.
And I can't pray. I just cry when I try. It's because I believe that if God is omnipotent then He should have been able to intervene in one of these pregnancies and ensured that it continued to term. You hear stories of God miraculously intervening in all sorts of situations; surrounding missionaries with angels so that their attackers don't see a lone person but rather a crowd, rescuing people from near death and if you believe every story in the bible, He healed blind and lame people and lepers and even brought a couple of people back to life. If He has the power to do all of that, why didn't He protect me from the years of abuse as a child, why doesn't He cure my infertility seeing there is absolutely no reason for it anyway and why didn't He allow one of these embryos to develop into a healthy, normal full term baby? I believe He can do that. I want to know why He didn't. And it hurts. It hurts to feel abandoned by Him and wonder what I have done that He won't protect or help me.
I just feel stuck. I've felt stuck for a long time; my depression isn't getting any better. I guess after 2 years and 9 months it isn't post natal depression any more, it's just plain depression. I am just putting one foot in front of the other and plodding along.
But, I should also acknowledge some good and positive stuff. I was talking to the psych about how I went and spent some time with my crafting friends on Sunday and how wonderful and helpful some of you have been, like my lovely friend Heather who offered to take the place of my mother any time I need her to and Martina whose comforting presence on Sunday was just what I needed and such a soothing balm to my grieving heart. I have come a long, long way in the last 3-4 years in letting people in to my life, to share my journey, and letting you care for me. It still feels foreign and a bit uncomfortable at times because I am not used to being cared for, of allowing myself to feel cared for or loved, but it has made a lot of difference to me. You ladies are wonderful and I know how truly blessed I am to have found such trustworthy, loving, caring, generous friends. I am truly grateful to you all.
I have woken up this morning in quite a bit of pain again. I thought the worst of it was over after about 12 hours from taking the tablets on Wednesday. It was a horrendous 12 hours - like extreme period pain or even labour cramps - but then it was a lot better. But I have woken up this morning with really bad pain again and bleeding quite a bit so I am feeling bummed and sad and not really knowing what to do about it or myself just at the moment. DH is at work, finalising what needs to be done for the training he is delivering on Mon and Tuesday, I have taken pain killers that leave me woozy as and am trying to care for DD when all I want to do is sleep.
Psych: "How are you?"
Me: "OK"
Psych: "So how is the pregnancy going?"
Oh well, so much for not discussing it! Probably as good a start as any to our conversation. I felt very teary and a lot of grief but I just can't cry in front of her. And I think that is why I am feeling stuck or blocked. It's like this barrier is there and I can't break through it and so I can't move anywhere. Too much energy goes into not crying. So I am stuck.
I am stuck not knowing what to do about my mother who just pushes all the wrong buttons and just can't or won't be a real mother to me, or not the mother I want. I feel a lot of anger when I think about her at the moment, anger that she sucked so much as a mum when I was growing up, anger that she didn't protect me, anger that she isn't the mother I want or need. But of course, it isn't OK to get angry at her so I just bottle it up. No wonder my neck and shoulders are like bricks from stress.
I am stuck about my brother and whether or not I want to have anything to do with him. I've talked to him a couple of times recently, to congratulate him on the birth of his daughter (which makes me feel physically sick every time I think of it), when he got our present for her and for his birthday. We don't normally talk that often, or maybe about 3-4 times a year, so it's been extra contact. Talking to him about breastfeeding, getting their daughter to sleep, colic and all of that feels so ikky and so wrong. I get flashbacks to his abuse and I can't stand it.
I just feel stuck in every part of my life. I want to be a stay at home mum, but can't even contemplate it until our house is built and this one sold and then we see how we are financially. I had made plans to take 12 months maternity leave again and then look to getting another 12 months leave without pay to give me a chance to experience being a stay at home mum but having the job security to go back to just in case. I found after DD, going back to work part time after 12 months helped with my depression because it gave me structure and routine; that's why I would like some job security in case being a stay at home mum doesn't work for me and my depression.
I feel stuck about trying to conceive. I know I need time to grieve this loss before we think about it again but I can't help but wonder when we will be able to afford to go back again. I should have had a bub by now. It should have been 6 months old. It's not fair. I know all these mums who are putting their 3-4 month olds in child care 2-3 days a week and going back to work and I want to smack them around their heads and say 'don't you realise how lucky you are? don't you realise how precious your child is? It deserves the best of you. You don't need the new car and the big tv but your child needs you'. I know it's wrong to feel like that but it just hurts me that they have what I so desperately long for and they don't seem to value it.
And I can't pray. I just cry when I try. It's because I believe that if God is omnipotent then He should have been able to intervene in one of these pregnancies and ensured that it continued to term. You hear stories of God miraculously intervening in all sorts of situations; surrounding missionaries with angels so that their attackers don't see a lone person but rather a crowd, rescuing people from near death and if you believe every story in the bible, He healed blind and lame people and lepers and even brought a couple of people back to life. If He has the power to do all of that, why didn't He protect me from the years of abuse as a child, why doesn't He cure my infertility seeing there is absolutely no reason for it anyway and why didn't He allow one of these embryos to develop into a healthy, normal full term baby? I believe He can do that. I want to know why He didn't. And it hurts. It hurts to feel abandoned by Him and wonder what I have done that He won't protect or help me.
I just feel stuck. I've felt stuck for a long time; my depression isn't getting any better. I guess after 2 years and 9 months it isn't post natal depression any more, it's just plain depression. I am just putting one foot in front of the other and plodding along.
But, I should also acknowledge some good and positive stuff. I was talking to the psych about how I went and spent some time with my crafting friends on Sunday and how wonderful and helpful some of you have been, like my lovely friend Heather who offered to take the place of my mother any time I need her to and Martina whose comforting presence on Sunday was just what I needed and such a soothing balm to my grieving heart. I have come a long, long way in the last 3-4 years in letting people in to my life, to share my journey, and letting you care for me. It still feels foreign and a bit uncomfortable at times because I am not used to being cared for, of allowing myself to feel cared for or loved, but it has made a lot of difference to me. You ladies are wonderful and I know how truly blessed I am to have found such trustworthy, loving, caring, generous friends. I am truly grateful to you all.
I have woken up this morning in quite a bit of pain again. I thought the worst of it was over after about 12 hours from taking the tablets on Wednesday. It was a horrendous 12 hours - like extreme period pain or even labour cramps - but then it was a lot better. But I have woken up this morning with really bad pain again and bleeding quite a bit so I am feeling bummed and sad and not really knowing what to do about it or myself just at the moment. DH is at work, finalising what needs to be done for the training he is delivering on Mon and Tuesday, I have taken pain killers that leave me woozy as and am trying to care for DD when all I want to do is sleep.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Not much to say
Well, I went to the clinic at the hospital this morning. I think it is SO WRONG that you have to go to the obstetrics clinic to book in and then you go to a different bit but it is the overflow of the antenatal clinic so I was surrounded by happily pregnant women, alone in my pain and grief, not that anyone knew that's how I was feeling. What do you say? I'm not happy for them. I am jealous. I wanted that to be me... big, fat, waddling, happy, joyous, expecting. They really need to rethink how they manage people who are miscarrying.
I opted for the tablets rather than the D&C. I could have had it tomorrow but I would have just had to wait around the hospital until they had space on the operating list for me and I didn't really feel like that. I'd have had to fast from tonight in case I got seen first up, but I may not have been seen until late tomorrow so that wasn't appealling. Given that we already have unexplained infertility issues, I decided not to go with surgery which has a small chance of causing more. So, I took the tablets. First lot taken half an hour ago. I have to take a second lot in 4 hours. They will make the miscarriage happen soon.... with pain and heavy bleeding. Oh joy. Life truly sucks sometimes but at least it will be done.
I had a dream last night that my pscych was pregnant. That would be all I need. I see her Friday for the first time in 5 or 6 weeks. Not sure I want to go. Don't know what to say.
I opted for the tablets rather than the D&C. I could have had it tomorrow but I would have just had to wait around the hospital until they had space on the operating list for me and I didn't really feel like that. I'd have had to fast from tonight in case I got seen first up, but I may not have been seen until late tomorrow so that wasn't appealling. Given that we already have unexplained infertility issues, I decided not to go with surgery which has a small chance of causing more. So, I took the tablets. First lot taken half an hour ago. I have to take a second lot in 4 hours. They will make the miscarriage happen soon.... with pain and heavy bleeding. Oh joy. Life truly sucks sometimes but at least it will be done.
I had a dream last night that my pscych was pregnant. That would be all I need. I see her Friday for the first time in 5 or 6 weeks. Not sure I want to go. Don't know what to say.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Death by a thousand cuts
How much more am I meant to take?
You'll get over it
You'll have another baby
You just need to relax and it will happen
It'll be OK
Give it time
At least you have one child
It wasn't meant to be
Something wasn't right
It's nature's way
There is nothing, no words, no actions, nothing that can or will help..... except time and it is stretching out before me in a big black pit of quicksand just waiting to swallow me up, one slow, painful step at a time.
I didn't realise I had made so many plans for this baby. I thought I was staying detached, disconnected, but it turns out without realising it, I had made a whole bunch of plans in my head and now I have to grieve them as well as this child that wasn't to be... yet another child that wasn't meant to be.
I loved being pregnant. I welcomed and embraced the morning sickness, the tingling breasts, the bloated stomach and the extreme tiredness. I loved being pregnant because it meant my long hoped for second child was on its way. My dreams of a larger family were going to be fulfilled. I felt so much joy.
I also loved being pregnant because of the buffer it placed around my wounded, bruised and broken heart. It gave me a buffer against the "we weren't trying to get pregnant" and the "the baby wasn't part of our plans". It gave me a buffer against the 10 babies that have arrived this year and counting, at a time when I should have had mine. It gave me a buffer against the pain that never goes away. And now that buffer is gone. All that is left is a great big gaping hole full of grief, longing and despair, with a pain that will never leave, an ache that can never be soothed and a longing that will never be fulfilled.
don't wish
don't hope
don't yearn
don't plan
don't long
don't expect
don't want
don't believe
don't desire
don't trust
don't imagine
don't seek
just don't
there is nothing to be gained.
The world seems a very dark place right now.
For those who want details, my hcg levels are still very high hence the still "enjoying" morning sickness. I have an appointment at the hospital's early pregnancy clinic tomorrow to talk about my options of waiting for it to happen naturally, tablets or a D&C. That's all I know for now.
As for ivf, they will need to check my bloods to make sure my hcg levels fall to below 5 and then we can start again after my next period, if I am emotionally ready. Who knows what we will decide to do.
You'll get over it
You'll have another baby
You just need to relax and it will happen
It'll be OK
Give it time
At least you have one child
It wasn't meant to be
Something wasn't right
It's nature's way
There is nothing, no words, no actions, nothing that can or will help..... except time and it is stretching out before me in a big black pit of quicksand just waiting to swallow me up, one slow, painful step at a time.
I didn't realise I had made so many plans for this baby. I thought I was staying detached, disconnected, but it turns out without realising it, I had made a whole bunch of plans in my head and now I have to grieve them as well as this child that wasn't to be... yet another child that wasn't meant to be.
I loved being pregnant. I welcomed and embraced the morning sickness, the tingling breasts, the bloated stomach and the extreme tiredness. I loved being pregnant because it meant my long hoped for second child was on its way. My dreams of a larger family were going to be fulfilled. I felt so much joy.
I also loved being pregnant because of the buffer it placed around my wounded, bruised and broken heart. It gave me a buffer against the "we weren't trying to get pregnant" and the "the baby wasn't part of our plans". It gave me a buffer against the 10 babies that have arrived this year and counting, at a time when I should have had mine. It gave me a buffer against the pain that never goes away. And now that buffer is gone. All that is left is a great big gaping hole full of grief, longing and despair, with a pain that will never leave, an ache that can never be soothed and a longing that will never be fulfilled.
don't wish
don't hope
don't yearn
don't plan
don't long
don't expect
don't want
don't believe
don't desire
don't trust
don't imagine
don't seek
just don't
there is nothing to be gained.
The world seems a very dark place right now.
For those who want details, my hcg levels are still very high hence the still "enjoying" morning sickness. I have an appointment at the hospital's early pregnancy clinic tomorrow to talk about my options of waiting for it to happen naturally, tablets or a D&C. That's all I know for now.
As for ivf, they will need to check my bloods to make sure my hcg levels fall to below 5 and then we can start again after my next period, if I am emotionally ready. Who knows what we will decide to do.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
A big black hole
A big black hole is....
what I saw at my 8 week ultrasound
what I fell into the past couple of days
I had my eyes closed for the start of the ultrasound as I really didn't want to hear "I'm sorry" like last time, but as the sonographer moved the probe around on my tummy I opened my eyes to see a big black hole in the midst of the speckled grey. It was an empty gestational sac.
Consequently I fell into a big black hole of depression, despair, hopelessness. It isn't a good place to be. I pulled myself part way out of it today to spend some time with some lovely friends but I am back in that pit, exhausted, spent, done. Feeling so cheated because of all the symptoms, especially the morning sickness which is still present. I feel so incredibly sad and so much grief at the lost hope, lost plans, lost opportunity, lost future. I am devastated that it happened again, in the same way. Mostly though I feel despair at the thought of never having another child. There are no words for that.
I am waiting for tomorrow to come so I can go see my doctor and find out what my options are as I haven't' started to miscarry yet. If last time is anything to go by it didn't happen until 11 weeks. I am not waiting that long.
I just need this over.
what I saw at my 8 week ultrasound
what I fell into the past couple of days
I had my eyes closed for the start of the ultrasound as I really didn't want to hear "I'm sorry" like last time, but as the sonographer moved the probe around on my tummy I opened my eyes to see a big black hole in the midst of the speckled grey. It was an empty gestational sac.
Consequently I fell into a big black hole of depression, despair, hopelessness. It isn't a good place to be. I pulled myself part way out of it today to spend some time with some lovely friends but I am back in that pit, exhausted, spent, done. Feeling so cheated because of all the symptoms, especially the morning sickness which is still present. I feel so incredibly sad and so much grief at the lost hope, lost plans, lost opportunity, lost future. I am devastated that it happened again, in the same way. Mostly though I feel despair at the thought of never having another child. There are no words for that.
I am waiting for tomorrow to come so I can go see my doctor and find out what my options are as I haven't' started to miscarry yet. If last time is anything to go by it didn't happen until 11 weeks. I am not waiting that long.
I just need this over.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
I can't believe it's not Friday!!!
Could this week go any slower? Damn! Ain't got nothing else to say.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
I can't believe tomorrow isn't Friday!
Will Friday never come?!?!?!?! This is killing me! I took DD to the gp today. She ended up on antibiotics. Because I have pretty much the same thing but have had it a couple of days longer, I asked if I should be on them too. That led to a conversation about the fact I am pregnant and congratulations. I just wanted to yell "don't congratulate me. We don't know if it's happening for real or not yet" I am sooooo antsy.
I will have to think up something interesting to do tomorrow with DD so my day goes quickly.
2 sleeps...... shit this is killing me!
I will have to think up something interesting to do tomorrow with DD so my day goes quickly.
2 sleeps...... shit this is killing me!
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
2 and a half days..... longest freaking week ever!!!!
It's 2 1/2 days until my lunch time ultrasound on Friday and it feels like it will never come! It doesn't help that I am sick as with a head cold that moved to my chest... breathing is one of those things you need to do repeatedly and it's better if you aren't struggling for it. I have some cough syrup that I got from the chemist after a long chat about what is safe for early pregnancy and it does help but it makes me a bit spacey and very tired. At least it stops the coughing and coughing and coughing until I gag or spew.
My in-laws are wonderful. I didn't go to work today and yet they stayed and looked after DD until DH finished work so I could rest. I was awake at 4am. My coughing woke me and then I couldn't stop. I went back to bed at 7am and slept until 11:30am so it was bliss. I am still tired and my stomach hurts so much from what I am assuming is the coughing.
Tick.... tick..... tick.....the good thing about time is, no matter how slow it feels, it does still move at the same pace. I just need to stay busy which is hard when you feel like crap.
My in-laws are wonderful. I didn't go to work today and yet they stayed and looked after DD until DH finished work so I could rest. I was awake at 4am. My coughing woke me and then I couldn't stop. I went back to bed at 7am and slept until 11:30am so it was bliss. I am still tired and my stomach hurts so much from what I am assuming is the coughing.
Tick.... tick..... tick.....the good thing about time is, no matter how slow it feels, it does still move at the same pace. I just need to stay busy which is hard when you feel like crap.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Count down is on.... until 8 week ultrasound on Friday
I am hanging in there, barely, as I wait for my 8 week scan on Friday. It has been a rough couple of days given that my baby stopped growing at 7 weeks last year (even though I didn't know it until my miscarraige at 11 weeks). So of course, this time when I hit the 7 week mark I can't help but be worried and to top it off I have had a rotten cold. My stomach is killing me from all of the coughing. Well, I'm assuming it's from the coughing and not something worse.
Last year I had just started a gym program, with the guy knowing I was 7 weeks pregnant so designing an easy, pregnancy safe, program for me. I know it's probably illogical or irrational but I haven't been able to do any exercise so far this pregnancy as I am scared it will cause another miscarriage, not that there is anything to say that is what happened last time. Ah, irrational fears! But I have made an appointment with my gp for next week so that once I have my ultrasound on Friday and see all is well, I will talk to her about who I can go and see to get a good, solid, pregnancy friendly exercise program for strengthening my core without causing harm.
One of the good things about ivf is that it puts you over the Medicare Safety Net threshold so I now get 80% or 85% of my costs back. So currently my psych is now costing me $8.40 instead of $42.50 (up front cost is $160 but I get it straight back). I am hoping my gp can refer me to a physio who uses Medicare so that it won't cost me much at all.
I am still trying not to hope and trying not to symptom watch but it is so hard not to do either of those things. I am so grateful for my either 24/7 or sporadic bouts of nausea. This morning I noticed my veins are much more prominent so of course that brought a little more hope to me. I'm not sure if my extreme tiredness is pregnancy related or cold related; probably a bit of both. With DD I had 3 bouts of very minor nausea and that was it, but was absolutely, completely, utterly exhausted. This time the exhaustion isn't quite so extreme but the nausea is much more present.
Well, as a final thought cos really I am just rambling for me as I do want to journal this pregnancy, I heard these lyrics in a song on the way to work and I really liked them -
"You see the depths of my heart
and You love me the same
You are amazing God".
When I think of all the doubts, distrust, fears etc that are hidden deep inside, I am amazed that God loves me just the same. What an awesome and comforting thought.
Bring on Friday!!!!
Last year I had just started a gym program, with the guy knowing I was 7 weeks pregnant so designing an easy, pregnancy safe, program for me. I know it's probably illogical or irrational but I haven't been able to do any exercise so far this pregnancy as I am scared it will cause another miscarriage, not that there is anything to say that is what happened last time. Ah, irrational fears! But I have made an appointment with my gp for next week so that once I have my ultrasound on Friday and see all is well, I will talk to her about who I can go and see to get a good, solid, pregnancy friendly exercise program for strengthening my core without causing harm.
One of the good things about ivf is that it puts you over the Medicare Safety Net threshold so I now get 80% or 85% of my costs back. So currently my psych is now costing me $8.40 instead of $42.50 (up front cost is $160 but I get it straight back). I am hoping my gp can refer me to a physio who uses Medicare so that it won't cost me much at all.
I am still trying not to hope and trying not to symptom watch but it is so hard not to do either of those things. I am so grateful for my either 24/7 or sporadic bouts of nausea. This morning I noticed my veins are much more prominent so of course that brought a little more hope to me. I'm not sure if my extreme tiredness is pregnancy related or cold related; probably a bit of both. With DD I had 3 bouts of very minor nausea and that was it, but was absolutely, completely, utterly exhausted. This time the exhaustion isn't quite so extreme but the nausea is much more present.
Well, as a final thought cos really I am just rambling for me as I do want to journal this pregnancy, I heard these lyrics in a song on the way to work and I really liked them -
"You see the depths of my heart
and You love me the same
You are amazing God".
When I think of all the doubts, distrust, fears etc that are hidden deep inside, I am amazed that God loves me just the same. What an awesome and comforting thought.
Bring on Friday!!!!
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Embracing my nausea
I really wanted to journal this pregnancy as I didn't with DDs and I am disappointed I don't have that. But at the time I was so concerned about something going wrong. I find, at the moment, I really can't journal this one either, just in case something goes wrong. I am hoping that will change after my 8 week ultrasound at the end of next week. Then, if everything is OK, I would like to do a weekly update of this pregnancy so I have a record of it - the joys, the pains, the weight gain (maybe....), all the little milestones.
Fortunately there will be no trips to emergency for undiagnosed chest pains (until my wonderful gp discovered gall stones), no regular midnight - 1am wake ups in excruciating agony from a gall stone attack, complete with vomiting from the pain, and no fear I might have to have emergency surgery no matter how far along, or not, I was because of the gall stones, all because my gall bladder came out after I gave birth. I can't say I will miss those horrible three months this time around.
For now I will say, I am trying to happily embrace my almost constant nausea. It's not too bad, except for the occasional little spew in my mouth, which is so gross, I know, but feeling a constant need to spew really isn't great. Yet I am taking it as a positive and wonderful thing along with the strange, niggling, random pains in my stomach, the tender (.)(.) and the need to pee a hundred times a day. These are all beautiful things and I am happy with them all because I am assuming it means all is going well.
Fortunately there will be no trips to emergency for undiagnosed chest pains (until my wonderful gp discovered gall stones), no regular midnight - 1am wake ups in excruciating agony from a gall stone attack, complete with vomiting from the pain, and no fear I might have to have emergency surgery no matter how far along, or not, I was because of the gall stones, all because my gall bladder came out after I gave birth. I can't say I will miss those horrible three months this time around.
For now I will say, I am trying to happily embrace my almost constant nausea. It's not too bad, except for the occasional little spew in my mouth, which is so gross, I know, but feeling a constant need to spew really isn't great. Yet I am taking it as a positive and wonderful thing along with the strange, niggling, random pains in my stomach, the tender (.)(.) and the need to pee a hundred times a day. These are all beautiful things and I am happy with them all because I am assuming it means all is going well.
Monday, July 5, 2010
Why am I always waiting for Friday to come???
After embryo transfer I had to wait until the following week's Friday for my blood test to find out if I was pregnant. Today I booked in for my 8 week ultrasound and again I am waiting for next week's Friday to arrive so I can have my scan and find out if all is OK with this bub and this pregnancy. I thought Friday's never came when i was working full time, this waiting for Fridays to find out if I am pregnant and if it is all going OK is sooooo much worse!
I spoke to DH about this feeling of disconnection from this pregnancy and was surprised to hear he is feeling the same, although I suppose in reality it isn't surprising he feels the same. I think I will start to feel much better after the 8 week scan and better again after the 12 week one when I know all is on track and all is going as it should be.
This inability to commit or connect with my pregnancy has me thinking about how much harder it must be for those who have carried their bubbas longer or even to term, only to lose them. I can't imagine how hard it would be to go through another pregnancy after that. I don't know if, or when, you would feel connected to your new child. And it grieves me to know that people go through that. I know too many people who have experienced that; both the loss of a bub or bubbas after 20 weeks and also the loss of their baby at or closely following birth. It is tragic and heart breaking. I hate that I know so many, not because I hate knowing them but because I hate how common it actually is. It is too unfair.
Of course my thoughts are on things like that right now as I wait to find out if this pregnancy is a "sticky one". I so hope it is and I kinda know it is because I am sure God has told me all will be well, but I can't help but wonder if I misheard or if I was hearing my wishes, not His voice, on this. I want to trust but I don't know how to. There will be much rejoicing and praising God when this bubba arrives safe and sound.
I spoke to DH about this feeling of disconnection from this pregnancy and was surprised to hear he is feeling the same, although I suppose in reality it isn't surprising he feels the same. I think I will start to feel much better after the 8 week scan and better again after the 12 week one when I know all is on track and all is going as it should be.
This inability to commit or connect with my pregnancy has me thinking about how much harder it must be for those who have carried their bubbas longer or even to term, only to lose them. I can't imagine how hard it would be to go through another pregnancy after that. I don't know if, or when, you would feel connected to your new child. And it grieves me to know that people go through that. I know too many people who have experienced that; both the loss of a bub or bubbas after 20 weeks and also the loss of their baby at or closely following birth. It is tragic and heart breaking. I hate that I know so many, not because I hate knowing them but because I hate how common it actually is. It is too unfair.
Of course my thoughts are on things like that right now as I wait to find out if this pregnancy is a "sticky one". I so hope it is and I kinda know it is because I am sure God has told me all will be well, but I can't help but wonder if I misheard or if I was hearing my wishes, not His voice, on this. I want to trust but I don't know how to. There will be much rejoicing and praising God when this bubba arrives safe and sound.
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