I WANT to be happy for people who are pregnant or give birth. I REALLY want to be happy for them. I know how much joy and pleasure and happiness there is with new life and I want everyone I know to experience that.
But I am not happy. I am jealous and hurting. I don't want to be jealous or envious. I don't want to resent them and their happiness. I want to celebrate their happiness with them.
But instead I find I am resentful, angry and hurting. There is no joy for them, just a gaping wound and a deep, soul destroying ache.
I hate me for feeling this way. I don't want to be that person.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Anxious?? Moi?????
I am still somewhat surprised at how strongly both DH and psych no 4 seem to think I am an anxious person. I have never really thought I was because I see anxious people as "nervous Nellie's" who fret constantly over every little thing.
But since talking to psych no 4 last week and then writing my last blog post, I have been awake until the wee small hours worrying about talking to my psych, worrying about telling her all of that stuff that I have written following my last 2 appointments with her but I think I need to talk to her about them. I am worried because this is me, raw and vulnerable, not hiding behind any defensive barriers, but just me, the way I think and feel straight up. And I am scared. Scared to share that with her cos until now I have been protecting myself and being very careful of what I say. I guess this is me planning on biting the bullet and being real in my future appointments. So I have been worrying about it lots, which then got me thinking, maybe I am an anxious person after all.
So, as you do when you want to know something, I turned to google. So I do a couple of online anxiety tests and answer them all honestly and what do I get:
"You answered Yes to 3 items out of 10. Based upon the answers you provided, it appears you may have an anxiety disorder. It is recommended that you follow up with a mental health professional for a full evaluation."
"You have answered this anxiety screening in such a way as to suggest that you are not likely currently suffering from an anxiety disorder. Remember that a little anxiety in normal, everyday life is to be expected and is a good thing. Scoring in this range suggests you have that normal level of anxiety but would not likely qualify for an anxiety disorder diagnosis"
"According to your responses to this self test, you may have an unhealthy level of anxiety."
And last but not least...
"If your score is 55 or more (I scored 65), you should seek anxiety disorder self-help materials, counselling/coaching, or professional anxiety disorder help. Scores in this range and above often indicate that an anxiety disorder may occur, that it is already present, or that you have had an anxiety disorder in the past."
Way to go google!
So, am I an anxious person? I am starting to wonder if I am...
* Am I an anxious person because I think about the worst thing that can happen in most cases and make plans for how I would cope?
* Am I an anxious person because I worry that I can't protect DD from getting sick, seriously ill, seriously hurt or kidnapped, raped and murdered?
* Am I am anxious person because I sometimes feel like I have very little control of events in my life? Is it any wonder I feel this way given my history of abuse, where I did have very little control and my infertility, where again I have no control?
* Am I an anxious person because I worry what people will think of me? Doesn't everyone feel this way?
What characterises an anxious person from a non-anxious person? Hmmmmm....
But since talking to psych no 4 last week and then writing my last blog post, I have been awake until the wee small hours worrying about talking to my psych, worrying about telling her all of that stuff that I have written following my last 2 appointments with her but I think I need to talk to her about them. I am worried because this is me, raw and vulnerable, not hiding behind any defensive barriers, but just me, the way I think and feel straight up. And I am scared. Scared to share that with her cos until now I have been protecting myself and being very careful of what I say. I guess this is me planning on biting the bullet and being real in my future appointments. So I have been worrying about it lots, which then got me thinking, maybe I am an anxious person after all.
So, as you do when you want to know something, I turned to google. So I do a couple of online anxiety tests and answer them all honestly and what do I get:
"You answered Yes to 3 items out of 10. Based upon the answers you provided, it appears you may have an anxiety disorder. It is recommended that you follow up with a mental health professional for a full evaluation."
"You have answered this anxiety screening in such a way as to suggest that you are not likely currently suffering from an anxiety disorder. Remember that a little anxiety in normal, everyday life is to be expected and is a good thing. Scoring in this range suggests you have that normal level of anxiety but would not likely qualify for an anxiety disorder diagnosis"
"According to your responses to this self test, you may have an unhealthy level of anxiety."
And last but not least...
"If your score is 55 or more (I scored 65), you should seek anxiety disorder self-help materials, counselling/coaching, or professional anxiety disorder help. Scores in this range and above often indicate that an anxiety disorder may occur, that it is already present, or that you have had an anxiety disorder in the past."
Way to go google!
So, am I an anxious person? I am starting to wonder if I am...
* Am I an anxious person because I think about the worst thing that can happen in most cases and make plans for how I would cope?
* Am I an anxious person because I worry that I can't protect DD from getting sick, seriously ill, seriously hurt or kidnapped, raped and murdered?
* Am I am anxious person because I sometimes feel like I have very little control of events in my life? Is it any wonder I feel this way given my history of abuse, where I did have very little control and my infertility, where again I have no control?
* Am I an anxious person because I worry what people will think of me? Doesn't everyone feel this way?
What characterises an anxious person from a non-anxious person? Hmmmmm....
Friday, May 21, 2010
Psychs....
I had a counselling appointment today and somehow we touched on the issue of psychs, or perhaps not "somehow" given I am seeing a psychologist. Anyway, it got me thinking about my experiences with counsellors over the years and I thought I would write about it.
Psych No 1
The first time I saw a psych was in Year 8. A friend at school, who was a couple of years older than me, noticed that I always caught an early train to school and somehow "missed" the early train home so always had to catch the second one. Eventually she commented on it to me and one day I told her that things weren't great at home and I wasn't comfortable with the way my dad was touching me. She suggested that I might like to talk to her Pastor. I said yes and, naively, I thought that if I spoke to her Pastor he would have to keep what I told him a secret (like a catholic and confession). I was so dumb and ignorant.
So, she organised for him to come to school to meet me in our school counsellor's office but little did I know they had also told her, called in DOCS and called my mother to come for it. So I get pulled out of maths to go to this meeting. I was feeling relieved because I thought someone might understand and help me figure out all this confusion in my head. Instead, I get grilled by complete strangers and my mum just sitting there saying over and over "when? give me dates and times?" I can kind of understand that cos as a mum and wife you'd freak about something like that but it showed me she didn't believe me.
This was from the same woman who did nothing to stop it when I told her my brother was making me have sex with him. I was in third class then. I made up my mind on that day that I could never trust her again and I would never tell her anything again. And I haven't. This time at the school counsellors office just proved she couldn't be trusted to take care of me.
So, mum takes me out of school and when my brother and sister get home she just says to them "Tess has accused dad of abusing her". I don't remember what they did or how they responded. I went outside and hid. DOCS came and met with mum and dad when he got home from work. They talked for quite a while. I hid under the dining room window listening to the whole conversation. I had my arms wrapped so tight around my middle cos I hurt so badly I thought I would die. My family denied anything had or could have happened. No one spoke to me.
As you can imagine, it was a very, very difficult and traumatic time in our household. I got no affection, the bare minimum of attention but it was all "super nice". And mum, dad and I got told to go see a psychiatrist.
We went to this guy's house in the northern suburbs of Sydney. I can still remember meeting my dad off the train and the absolute stone silence in the car. When we got to his house, we went around the back to his consulting rooms. It was bright and airy but oh so cold in there. He saw mum and dad first and it felt like he was with them for hours. When they came out mum gave me a tight lipped fake smile, dad didn't. Then I went in. The minute he started talking to me I knew he didn't believe anything had happened. He grilled me for a short while, asking me for details etc. He didn't try to make me feel comfortable. He wasn't even particularly inviting or warm. Just very business like and detached. I didn't tell him I was self harming or suicidal. I didn't tell him anything because I wasn't talking to anyone at that stage at all. There was no point. I knew there was no point trying to talk to him. He had his mind made up. He told DOCS that I had made it all up for attention. It was the mid 80's. I guess we hadn't got to the stage where sexual abuse was believed to happen in "normal" families.
When we got home it was never mentioned again, except times when I had managed to annoy dad and then he'd say "at least I was declared sane, unlike you". I also got "you ruined this family" from mum. Never mind that my family had ruined me from a very young age.
About 12 years later I had cause to drive through that suburb for work. As I drove through I noticed the train station where we had picked up dad for that appointment and I got all shaky and ended up spewing. For the next couple of years, in my mid 20's, any time I drove through there I felt very nauseous and sometimes threw up.
So, psych 1 was a really bad experience. Understatement maybe?
Counsellor 1
I began seeing a counsellor in my early 20's. I was suicidal again and knew I needed help. I saw her on and off for 4 years and she was pretty good for a lot of it. She helped me realise a lot about me, I learned to stand up to my mother and not take her crap on board as my own issues. It was good and helped me with quite a bit of stuff and healing.
But, there were also some serious issues. She was pretty messed up herself and caused me some serious issues along the way.
Psych no 2
A couple of weeks after DD was born, DH and I went to see my midwife for a follow up. She was working so we went to the hospital to see her. She knew I had bad postnatal depression and she wanted me to talk to a psych about medication. But I was told I couldn't see one unless I signed an admission form (to be admitted under the mental health act, although they didn't tell me that). In the end I did sign it, at DH's encouragement. A registrar psych came to see me late on a Friday afternoon and she misunderstood something I said and suddenly I found myself under 24 hour observation cos they thought I would harm DD. It was the biggest cock up ever, seriously messed with my head - given my history of abuse, having a male nurse observing me breastfeeding DD, watching everything I did and said.. it really fucked me up. Wonderful DH got it sorted on the Saturday afternoon... the senior, consulting psych came, talked to me and realised I didn't need to be admitted... but fark me! Talk about a balls up that was probably as bad as the first psych I saw.
Psych no 3
She wasn't too bad. I saw her while I had postnatal depression after having DD. I felt like I had no choice or they may have tried to hospitalise me again, as my appointments with her was through the hospital and a condition of me leaving. I liked her and eventually trusted her but I was always wary of whether or not she might get me hospitalised again or make a report to DOCS. I felt like I had to watch and weigh every word before I said it so that I could protect myself. It was exhausting. I persevered with her for a year because she did normalise my PND experiences for me and that helped. It helped to know I wasn't the only one who felt like I did. But it also felt like a big waste of time because I never turned up for an appointment with anything I wanted to talk about and she let me lead the conversation. There were times when I had nothing to say so we said nothing for most of the hour. It was ridiculous. But I persevered because Counsellor no 1 did help me and I kept hoping things would get better. Glad she went on maternity leave in the end so I didn't have to go any more.
Counsellor no 2
Really, I think she was a social worker or something to do with childhood behaviours etc. I only saw her about 6 times and it was all to do with how to play and interact with DD because I was so worried about her attachment. So it was about mindfulness - being present in the moment, feeling and experiencing the moment. There was helpful stuff in it.
Psych no 4
I like the psych I am currently seeing. I think she is a good match for me and I am hoping she can help me "sort my shit". But, because of psychs 1 and 2, and in part counsellor 1, I am really hesitant to trust psych no 4.
No 1 was a complete f**wit, w*nker, a***hole... who really screwed me up and really damaged me and my life. Psych no 2 was responsible for getting me admitted to hospital under 24 hour surveillance which was the worst thing she could have done. It REALLY messed me up at a time when I was already very fragile and vulnerable. Psych 3 was OK, a nice person and kinda helpful for some stuff but mostly just felt like a waste of time, although I did do a lot of crying with her and I rarely cry so maybe that was good... so I guess time will tell with psych 4. Not that I mean to, or am, setting her up to fail. It's just, I don't have good experiences with the psych community to date so it is hard to trust.
I am really struggling with the conflict of seeing her under Medicare so it is subsidised (thanks for the correct M!). I only get a certain number of appointments a year with her and so I feel like there is a whole heap of pressure to just open up and spill everything so we can deal with it all in a short space of time, but I can't do that. Maybe if I hadn't seen psych 1 or 2 I could trust a bit more and open up a bit quicker but I did and I can't.
Well, now I can just "shelve" all of this for another 2 weeks and then maybe we will pull it out, look at it, talk about it and who knows then... I can't change my experiences, all I can do is hope that this one helps and I will get better.
Man am I screwed up or what? Perhaps it's a sign of good mental health that I am continue to seek to find someone who is helpful? I can tell myself that anyway. It's better than the "I'm a complete screwball" alternative.
Psych No 1
The first time I saw a psych was in Year 8. A friend at school, who was a couple of years older than me, noticed that I always caught an early train to school and somehow "missed" the early train home so always had to catch the second one. Eventually she commented on it to me and one day I told her that things weren't great at home and I wasn't comfortable with the way my dad was touching me. She suggested that I might like to talk to her Pastor. I said yes and, naively, I thought that if I spoke to her Pastor he would have to keep what I told him a secret (like a catholic and confession). I was so dumb and ignorant.
So, she organised for him to come to school to meet me in our school counsellor's office but little did I know they had also told her, called in DOCS and called my mother to come for it. So I get pulled out of maths to go to this meeting. I was feeling relieved because I thought someone might understand and help me figure out all this confusion in my head. Instead, I get grilled by complete strangers and my mum just sitting there saying over and over "when? give me dates and times?" I can kind of understand that cos as a mum and wife you'd freak about something like that but it showed me she didn't believe me.
This was from the same woman who did nothing to stop it when I told her my brother was making me have sex with him. I was in third class then. I made up my mind on that day that I could never trust her again and I would never tell her anything again. And I haven't. This time at the school counsellors office just proved she couldn't be trusted to take care of me.
So, mum takes me out of school and when my brother and sister get home she just says to them "Tess has accused dad of abusing her". I don't remember what they did or how they responded. I went outside and hid. DOCS came and met with mum and dad when he got home from work. They talked for quite a while. I hid under the dining room window listening to the whole conversation. I had my arms wrapped so tight around my middle cos I hurt so badly I thought I would die. My family denied anything had or could have happened. No one spoke to me.
As you can imagine, it was a very, very difficult and traumatic time in our household. I got no affection, the bare minimum of attention but it was all "super nice". And mum, dad and I got told to go see a psychiatrist.
We went to this guy's house in the northern suburbs of Sydney. I can still remember meeting my dad off the train and the absolute stone silence in the car. When we got to his house, we went around the back to his consulting rooms. It was bright and airy but oh so cold in there. He saw mum and dad first and it felt like he was with them for hours. When they came out mum gave me a tight lipped fake smile, dad didn't. Then I went in. The minute he started talking to me I knew he didn't believe anything had happened. He grilled me for a short while, asking me for details etc. He didn't try to make me feel comfortable. He wasn't even particularly inviting or warm. Just very business like and detached. I didn't tell him I was self harming or suicidal. I didn't tell him anything because I wasn't talking to anyone at that stage at all. There was no point. I knew there was no point trying to talk to him. He had his mind made up. He told DOCS that I had made it all up for attention. It was the mid 80's. I guess we hadn't got to the stage where sexual abuse was believed to happen in "normal" families.
When we got home it was never mentioned again, except times when I had managed to annoy dad and then he'd say "at least I was declared sane, unlike you". I also got "you ruined this family" from mum. Never mind that my family had ruined me from a very young age.
About 12 years later I had cause to drive through that suburb for work. As I drove through I noticed the train station where we had picked up dad for that appointment and I got all shaky and ended up spewing. For the next couple of years, in my mid 20's, any time I drove through there I felt very nauseous and sometimes threw up.
So, psych 1 was a really bad experience. Understatement maybe?
Counsellor 1
I began seeing a counsellor in my early 20's. I was suicidal again and knew I needed help. I saw her on and off for 4 years and she was pretty good for a lot of it. She helped me realise a lot about me, I learned to stand up to my mother and not take her crap on board as my own issues. It was good and helped me with quite a bit of stuff and healing.
But, there were also some serious issues. She was pretty messed up herself and caused me some serious issues along the way.
Psych no 2
A couple of weeks after DD was born, DH and I went to see my midwife for a follow up. She was working so we went to the hospital to see her. She knew I had bad postnatal depression and she wanted me to talk to a psych about medication. But I was told I couldn't see one unless I signed an admission form (to be admitted under the mental health act, although they didn't tell me that). In the end I did sign it, at DH's encouragement. A registrar psych came to see me late on a Friday afternoon and she misunderstood something I said and suddenly I found myself under 24 hour observation cos they thought I would harm DD. It was the biggest cock up ever, seriously messed with my head - given my history of abuse, having a male nurse observing me breastfeeding DD, watching everything I did and said.. it really fucked me up. Wonderful DH got it sorted on the Saturday afternoon... the senior, consulting psych came, talked to me and realised I didn't need to be admitted... but fark me! Talk about a balls up that was probably as bad as the first psych I saw.
Psych no 3
She wasn't too bad. I saw her while I had postnatal depression after having DD. I felt like I had no choice or they may have tried to hospitalise me again, as my appointments with her was through the hospital and a condition of me leaving. I liked her and eventually trusted her but I was always wary of whether or not she might get me hospitalised again or make a report to DOCS. I felt like I had to watch and weigh every word before I said it so that I could protect myself. It was exhausting. I persevered with her for a year because she did normalise my PND experiences for me and that helped. It helped to know I wasn't the only one who felt like I did. But it also felt like a big waste of time because I never turned up for an appointment with anything I wanted to talk about and she let me lead the conversation. There were times when I had nothing to say so we said nothing for most of the hour. It was ridiculous. But I persevered because Counsellor no 1 did help me and I kept hoping things would get better. Glad she went on maternity leave in the end so I didn't have to go any more.
Counsellor no 2
Really, I think she was a social worker or something to do with childhood behaviours etc. I only saw her about 6 times and it was all to do with how to play and interact with DD because I was so worried about her attachment. So it was about mindfulness - being present in the moment, feeling and experiencing the moment. There was helpful stuff in it.
Psych no 4
I like the psych I am currently seeing. I think she is a good match for me and I am hoping she can help me "sort my shit". But, because of psychs 1 and 2, and in part counsellor 1, I am really hesitant to trust psych no 4.
No 1 was a complete f**wit, w*nker, a***hole... who really screwed me up and really damaged me and my life. Psych no 2 was responsible for getting me admitted to hospital under 24 hour surveillance which was the worst thing she could have done. It REALLY messed me up at a time when I was already very fragile and vulnerable. Psych 3 was OK, a nice person and kinda helpful for some stuff but mostly just felt like a waste of time, although I did do a lot of crying with her and I rarely cry so maybe that was good... so I guess time will tell with psych 4. Not that I mean to, or am, setting her up to fail. It's just, I don't have good experiences with the psych community to date so it is hard to trust.
I am really struggling with the conflict of seeing her under Medicare so it is subsidised (thanks for the correct M!). I only get a certain number of appointments a year with her and so I feel like there is a whole heap of pressure to just open up and spill everything so we can deal with it all in a short space of time, but I can't do that. Maybe if I hadn't seen psych 1 or 2 I could trust a bit more and open up a bit quicker but I did and I can't.
Well, now I can just "shelve" all of this for another 2 weeks and then maybe we will pull it out, look at it, talk about it and who knows then... I can't change my experiences, all I can do is hope that this one helps and I will get better.
Man am I screwed up or what? Perhaps it's a sign of good mental health that I am continue to seek to find someone who is helpful? I can tell myself that anyway. It's better than the "I'm a complete screwball" alternative.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Isn't it ironic....
OK, upfront warning that there may be TMI (too much info) in this short, "sweet" post -
I haven't been feeling the best the past couple of days - extremely exhausted, a bit spewy and really bad lower back and lower right hand side pains... and because I expected to be spotting by now, I started to think maybe I was pregnant.
So this afternoon I decided to pee on a stick to test for pregnancy so I break out the test, wee on it etc and as I wipe after going to the loo... there it is, some bleeding. Argh!
It's OK and I am OK cos I didn't really expect to be pregnant. I am luckily very philosophical about it but still... did I have to wee on a stick to find out after all?
Smeh...
I haven't been feeling the best the past couple of days - extremely exhausted, a bit spewy and really bad lower back and lower right hand side pains... and because I expected to be spotting by now, I started to think maybe I was pregnant.
So this afternoon I decided to pee on a stick to test for pregnancy so I break out the test, wee on it etc and as I wipe after going to the loo... there it is, some bleeding. Argh!
It's OK and I am OK cos I didn't really expect to be pregnant. I am luckily very philosophical about it but still... did I have to wee on a stick to find out after all?
Smeh...
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Shhhh....
Just thought I would write this somewhere so hopefully I won't forget it. On Sunday night I was praying about not being pregnant, and wondering if I was, and all of those thoughts that go around and around in your head when you are infertile and you long so much to have more children.
I started thinking about something a good friend (thanks Ange!) had said to me about maybe praying for an answer as to whether or not I will have more children or whether I am done. So I decided to pray about that and I got a very good sense of peace from God that I would have at least one more child. I couldn't quite get a sense of whether it was one or more children (because my stupid head and thoughts kept intruding because I want lots of children) but there was definite peace in my heart. So now, I guess it is a matter of patiently waiting until the time is right. I know I will have another child. I hope I can continue to believe it through all I may have to journey through to get there.
God knows I am not patient, especially when waiting on Him to do something, so I guess I may be in for a bit of a wait while I learn patience and trust.
I just find it so hard to trust things like that because I can't help but think that maybe it is my wishful thinking and my deepest desires that I heard, and not an aaurance from God. How do we ever really know? I am trusting because of the sense of peace I had with it. I don't know if that is how people know or not, but that is what I am holding on to.
I started thinking about something a good friend (thanks Ange!) had said to me about maybe praying for an answer as to whether or not I will have more children or whether I am done. So I decided to pray about that and I got a very good sense of peace from God that I would have at least one more child. I couldn't quite get a sense of whether it was one or more children (because my stupid head and thoughts kept intruding because I want lots of children) but there was definite peace in my heart. So now, I guess it is a matter of patiently waiting until the time is right. I know I will have another child. I hope I can continue to believe it through all I may have to journey through to get there.
God knows I am not patient, especially when waiting on Him to do something, so I guess I may be in for a bit of a wait while I learn patience and trust.
I just find it so hard to trust things like that because I can't help but think that maybe it is my wishful thinking and my deepest desires that I heard, and not an aaurance from God. How do we ever really know? I am trusting because of the sense of peace I had with it. I don't know if that is how people know or not, but that is what I am holding on to.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Looking for peace in the midst of turmoil
I have had this Bible verse on my mind a bit lately -
"And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Phillipians 4:7
I have been asking God to show me what "the peace of God" is or what it means for my life.
Today I am feeling pretty angry. My boss is having surgery tomorrow and will be off for a week. He has asked the most junior person in our office, who has been here less than a year, to act as our manager while he is away. I know I only work 3 days a week, but I've been here 9 years now. He'll only be gone for 6 days and she'll be away for 2 of them, so it's not like there is a significant difference in our availability. Last time he was away he asked the other junior person to act in his position. I am seriously shitty that he is overlooking me and I am determined to talk to him about it today. If anything comes up, she will be asking me what to do anyway. Seriously pissed off!
But I am emotional and I don't want to get all teary over this and I HATE conflict. I avoid it like the plague so the thought of having to say to him "I'm not happy with your decision and want to know why I am not considered" makes me want to spew.
So, I need to know God's peace.
The other Bible verse that has been running around in my mind is-
"You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore". Psalm 16:11
Don't we all need that - fullness of joy and pleasures forevermore?? I know I need that fullness of joy right now because I am empty. I would also like to know that God is showing my the path of life - His path of life - but I am feeling lost and full of doubt.
"And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." Phillipians 4:7
I have been asking God to show me what "the peace of God" is or what it means for my life.
Today I am feeling pretty angry. My boss is having surgery tomorrow and will be off for a week. He has asked the most junior person in our office, who has been here less than a year, to act as our manager while he is away. I know I only work 3 days a week, but I've been here 9 years now. He'll only be gone for 6 days and she'll be away for 2 of them, so it's not like there is a significant difference in our availability. Last time he was away he asked the other junior person to act in his position. I am seriously shitty that he is overlooking me and I am determined to talk to him about it today. If anything comes up, she will be asking me what to do anyway. Seriously pissed off!
But I am emotional and I don't want to get all teary over this and I HATE conflict. I avoid it like the plague so the thought of having to say to him "I'm not happy with your decision and want to know why I am not considered" makes me want to spew.
So, I need to know God's peace.
The other Bible verse that has been running around in my mind is-
"You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore". Psalm 16:11
Don't we all need that - fullness of joy and pleasures forevermore?? I know I need that fullness of joy right now because I am empty. I would also like to know that God is showing my the path of life - His path of life - but I am feeling lost and full of doubt.
Friday, May 7, 2010
"Don't wish, don't start....
Wishing only wounds the heart" ~Wicked.
That's how I am feeling today. I let my hopes raise and so then, of course (and note the of course cos that is important in my thought processes), the cycle failed and I am left feeling despair.
But having said that, it isn't all bad. And I know DH would kill me if he knew I was writing this where people we know could see it... but, we know I was ovulating yesterday, so I talked him into sex... so now I am hoping again. Yes, my oestrogen levels weren't high enough for them to try an embryo transfer but I am hoping that maybe they were enough... God willing.... to support a natural conception.
So stupid, stupid me is back to wishing and hoping.... you'd think I'd learn.
But I am also learning to reassess my thinking about God in all of this.. at least I am today and it's not all bad :) That's an improvement for me :) I don't understand the reasons why this cycle wasn't meant to be. Perhaps it was to allow us this opportunity to conceive naturally, but even if it turns out that's not it, I am trusting there is a reason.
So thank you to all my friends who are praying because for the first time since we started out whole trying to conceive journey 6 years ago, I haven't reacted with a huge anger at God for a failed attempt... either natural or assisted. I don't think it is a result of me maturing cos I don't really think I have matured. I think it is the supportive prayers of my wonderful friends. Thank you
One of the things the psych said to me was that even though DH doesn't necessarily seem to be listening to me, or responding how I want, I shouldn't shut him out completely. I still need to bounce things off him because otherwise it will be very damaging to our relationship. So, after I (ahem... 'got some') last night we actually had a really good talk about a whole bunch of stuff. Perhaps we should have sex more often.. seriously that was only the 2nd or 3rd time this year. And if you've read other postings on my blog, you'd know that is a serious issue and one that causes me huge distress... the abuse victim having to ask for sex and getting rejected... not good. Anyway.....
Talking was good and helpful and he said something really profound to me. We were talking about predestination (part of an ongoing conversation from the weekend that was more entertaining than serious) but then I was expressing my thoughts that if predestination exists, then I am certain deep down I am predestined not to be saved. DH suggested that if I am thinking that way, then perhaps I need to not understand myself and my thinking more, but that I need to understand who God is more. It was the most perfect thing he could say.
Perhaps he should 'get some' more often lol!
So now, I am wondering the wisdom of having shared this site with you all. But then, I shared it because I trust you and I want some people to know me 'warts and all'. So I am thinking maybe there is no reason not to share all of this too... maybe something I say might help someone else in their journey and that really is what it is all about. My going through all I have been through is useless and pointless unless I can learn from it and share it with others so they can learn and heal and grow themselves.
Might have to start a paper journal though.. so I can go back to filtering what parts of me people get to see lol!
I love you gals!
That's how I am feeling today. I let my hopes raise and so then, of course (and note the of course cos that is important in my thought processes), the cycle failed and I am left feeling despair.
But having said that, it isn't all bad. And I know DH would kill me if he knew I was writing this where people we know could see it... but, we know I was ovulating yesterday, so I talked him into sex... so now I am hoping again. Yes, my oestrogen levels weren't high enough for them to try an embryo transfer but I am hoping that maybe they were enough... God willing.... to support a natural conception.
So stupid, stupid me is back to wishing and hoping.... you'd think I'd learn.
But I am also learning to reassess my thinking about God in all of this.. at least I am today and it's not all bad :) That's an improvement for me :) I don't understand the reasons why this cycle wasn't meant to be. Perhaps it was to allow us this opportunity to conceive naturally, but even if it turns out that's not it, I am trusting there is a reason.
So thank you to all my friends who are praying because for the first time since we started out whole trying to conceive journey 6 years ago, I haven't reacted with a huge anger at God for a failed attempt... either natural or assisted. I don't think it is a result of me maturing cos I don't really think I have matured. I think it is the supportive prayers of my wonderful friends. Thank you
One of the things the psych said to me was that even though DH doesn't necessarily seem to be listening to me, or responding how I want, I shouldn't shut him out completely. I still need to bounce things off him because otherwise it will be very damaging to our relationship. So, after I (ahem... 'got some') last night we actually had a really good talk about a whole bunch of stuff. Perhaps we should have sex more often.. seriously that was only the 2nd or 3rd time this year. And if you've read other postings on my blog, you'd know that is a serious issue and one that causes me huge distress... the abuse victim having to ask for sex and getting rejected... not good. Anyway.....
Talking was good and helpful and he said something really profound to me. We were talking about predestination (part of an ongoing conversation from the weekend that was more entertaining than serious) but then I was expressing my thoughts that if predestination exists, then I am certain deep down I am predestined not to be saved. DH suggested that if I am thinking that way, then perhaps I need to not understand myself and my thinking more, but that I need to understand who God is more. It was the most perfect thing he could say.
Perhaps he should 'get some' more often lol!
So now, I am wondering the wisdom of having shared this site with you all. But then, I shared it because I trust you and I want some people to know me 'warts and all'. So I am thinking maybe there is no reason not to share all of this too... maybe something I say might help someone else in their journey and that really is what it is all about. My going through all I have been through is useless and pointless unless I can learn from it and share it with others so they can learn and heal and grow themselves.
Might have to start a paper journal though.. so I can go back to filtering what parts of me people get to see lol!
I love you gals!
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
This cycle is a bust
Ovulated today but estrogen levels not high enough to support an embryo. So we start again next cycle.
Feeling very sad and numb.
Feeling very sad and numb.
More thinking... not sure it is good for me
Imagine your mother in law is coming to visit. You know she is quite critical of how clean and neat your house is and how well you are taking care of ‘her boy’. You want everything to be perfect so there is no room for criticism. So you start stuffing things into the junk closet; magazines, shoes, sports gear, books, newspapers and bills, most of your DVD collection, clothes, both clean and dirty. You name it, if it is making your house look untidy it goes in the closet. You even find room to stuff the never used treadmill in because you know if you leave it out, she will only find reason to comment of your weight and how slim she was when she was your age. To shut the closet door, you have to hold a basket ball and tennis racket in with your left foot, while your left hand is trying to hold in the last minute box of papers that don’t have a hope in hell of fitting in, but you think that if you only keep it in there long enough to get the door closed, everything will be alright. Finally you get the door closed and all of the mess is safely tucked away, out of sight, out of mind.
Imagine what happens when your mother in law leaves and you open the closet door to find a bill you need to pay. You will be knocked over by the swell of stuff pouring out of the open door unless you can shut that door again.
That is how I feel today. I feel like, for a very long time now, I have been stuffing the ‘closet in my head’ full of all of my stuff – my bad experiences, my thoughts, my emotions, things I don’t ever want anyone to know, things that I don’t have answers for, things I never want to think about or feel ever again. All of it is stuffed in my head and talking to the psych yesterday, I feel like I have opened up the door of the closet, only the slightest crack, but I feel like there are a million things bursting to pour out. I feel like I need to talk and talk and talk until I am all talked out, to get it all out into the light so maybe I can look at it, sort it out and figure out what I keep and what I throw out. But it’s 2 weeks until my next appointment and an hour isn’t long enough to talk about it all anyway, so now I am madly trying to stuff everything back in, out of sight so the temptation (or desire or need… I am not sure which) to talk is shut away again.
At least my energy is currently diverted to something other than worrying about ivf and whether or not this cycle will happen lol!
Imagine what happens when your mother in law leaves and you open the closet door to find a bill you need to pay. You will be knocked over by the swell of stuff pouring out of the open door unless you can shut that door again.
That is how I feel today. I feel like, for a very long time now, I have been stuffing the ‘closet in my head’ full of all of my stuff – my bad experiences, my thoughts, my emotions, things I don’t ever want anyone to know, things that I don’t have answers for, things I never want to think about or feel ever again. All of it is stuffed in my head and talking to the psych yesterday, I feel like I have opened up the door of the closet, only the slightest crack, but I feel like there are a million things bursting to pour out. I feel like I need to talk and talk and talk until I am all talked out, to get it all out into the light so maybe I can look at it, sort it out and figure out what I keep and what I throw out. But it’s 2 weeks until my next appointment and an hour isn’t long enough to talk about it all anyway, so now I am madly trying to stuff everything back in, out of sight so the temptation (or desire or need… I am not sure which) to talk is shut away again.
At least my energy is currently diverted to something other than worrying about ivf and whether or not this cycle will happen lol!
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Thinking/ reflecting aloud... venture inside my head if you're game
I saw my psych again this evening... I feel compelled to say she is a psychologist not a psychiatrist because I think that makes me seem less loony. Anyway, it was interesting and good and gave me lots of food for thought so I wanted to get it down.
And now my mind has gone blank....
I know we were talking about me opening up to some of my friends (those of you who might read this), sharing who I am and the fact that none of you seem to have run away and I said that deep down (and no, this isn't a fishing expedition) I still wonder why on earth any of you would want to be my friend or like me in the first place, and even more so now I have shared my blog with you. She suggested that perhaps, because of my childhood and the lack of love, affection (and therefore attachment to my parents) I experienced has caused me to have one view of the world - one in which the world is scary and unsafe and for me, I think it is one where I constantly expect rejection and feel insecure and uncertain of my place and value and worth. She then suggested that people who grew up loved, supported, valued etc would have a different view of the world - one where they are secure and see the world with a positive ("rosy") outlook and some of those people are the sorts of people who like other people. And perhaps that is where you guys sit. How does that sound? Makes some sense in my head now, I think. I can live with the idea that not everyone feels like the world is such a scary, uncertain, potentially dangerous place in which their place is a tenuous one, based on a set of ever changing rules and hoops to jump through. Hmmm... lots to think on there and perhaps something to talk to her about next time.
We also, strangely enough, talked a lot about stress and anxiety. It is really, really hard to sit there saying "I don't think I'm an anxious person" when I know DH kills himself laughing at me saying that and I'm pretty sure my psych was politely trying to restrain a loud guffaw, or at least a snort. But of course I am stressed and anxious at the moment and she did validate that as something normal given where I am at with ivf. I think that helps. It's definitely more helpful than DH's "that thought pattern is unhelpful". I think perhaps he should stick his cognitive behaviour theory up, well, you know where. She said something like maybe I should give myself permission to feel this way but also work on stuff which I am pretty sure amounted to mindfulness - being present in the moment as opposed to dwelling on the stuff I can't control. Again, makes sense... not sure I can do it though.
Driving home I think I had a realisation and I guess I wonder if this is true - perhaps good mental health isn't about making all of the bad stuff go away, it is about learning how to deal with the bad stuff in a healthy and more normal way. I think I am a bit bummed by that thought. I really do want a magic cure that will remove my abusive childhood from me so that I never have to think about it, feel it, relive it etc ever again.. or ever have to see my mother or brother again, to face them, deal with what they did or in my mother's case what she continues to do, to have to face them and smile politely and act like all is OK and that nothing ever happened. Actually, I think I am more than a bit bummed about that.
I've realised I spend a lot of time watching Law & Order SVU and I realised that what I am waiting for is for 'Olivia' or 'Elliot' say something to one of the 'victims' that is the magic phrase I am waiting for. The one that:
* stops me feeling dirty and guilty
* stops me feeling ashamed
* makes it all go away
* makes me feel normal and human
* lets me forgive myself
* removes my brokenness
* stops me from wanting to hide away from the world
* stops me from thinking about self harm
* stops the other intrusive thoughts I am so ashamed of
* heals me so none of this is ever an issue again
* takes away all of the pain and grief, heartache and despair
* lets me believe the world is a safe place
* lets me trust in a good and loving God, without constant doubts
* stops me dwelling in the past
* stops the flashbacks and sleepless nights
* takes away the wall I put up whenever anyone hugs me - I feel myself emotionally shut down and it is like a solid wall between me and that person
* lets me trust that my friends genuinely do like me and to not doubt that or them
* makes me feel worthwhile
* makes me feel like I matter, that I am loved and lovable
* makes me feel whole
* heals the wounded child within so she can emerge whole, strong, confident, healthy, loved, loving and beautiful
OK, so now I've just listed all the things I want changed, and realised that there is nothing that can do that, no magic pill, bullet or sentence, I am feeling very, very down.
And now my mind has gone blank....
I know we were talking about me opening up to some of my friends (those of you who might read this), sharing who I am and the fact that none of you seem to have run away and I said that deep down (and no, this isn't a fishing expedition) I still wonder why on earth any of you would want to be my friend or like me in the first place, and even more so now I have shared my blog with you. She suggested that perhaps, because of my childhood and the lack of love, affection (and therefore attachment to my parents) I experienced has caused me to have one view of the world - one in which the world is scary and unsafe and for me, I think it is one where I constantly expect rejection and feel insecure and uncertain of my place and value and worth. She then suggested that people who grew up loved, supported, valued etc would have a different view of the world - one where they are secure and see the world with a positive ("rosy") outlook and some of those people are the sorts of people who like other people. And perhaps that is where you guys sit. How does that sound? Makes some sense in my head now, I think. I can live with the idea that not everyone feels like the world is such a scary, uncertain, potentially dangerous place in which their place is a tenuous one, based on a set of ever changing rules and hoops to jump through. Hmmm... lots to think on there and perhaps something to talk to her about next time.
We also, strangely enough, talked a lot about stress and anxiety. It is really, really hard to sit there saying "I don't think I'm an anxious person" when I know DH kills himself laughing at me saying that and I'm pretty sure my psych was politely trying to restrain a loud guffaw, or at least a snort. But of course I am stressed and anxious at the moment and she did validate that as something normal given where I am at with ivf. I think that helps. It's definitely more helpful than DH's "that thought pattern is unhelpful". I think perhaps he should stick his cognitive behaviour theory up, well, you know where. She said something like maybe I should give myself permission to feel this way but also work on stuff which I am pretty sure amounted to mindfulness - being present in the moment as opposed to dwelling on the stuff I can't control. Again, makes sense... not sure I can do it though.
Driving home I think I had a realisation and I guess I wonder if this is true - perhaps good mental health isn't about making all of the bad stuff go away, it is about learning how to deal with the bad stuff in a healthy and more normal way. I think I am a bit bummed by that thought. I really do want a magic cure that will remove my abusive childhood from me so that I never have to think about it, feel it, relive it etc ever again.. or ever have to see my mother or brother again, to face them, deal with what they did or in my mother's case what she continues to do, to have to face them and smile politely and act like all is OK and that nothing ever happened. Actually, I think I am more than a bit bummed about that.
I've realised I spend a lot of time watching Law & Order SVU and I realised that what I am waiting for is for 'Olivia' or 'Elliot' say something to one of the 'victims' that is the magic phrase I am waiting for. The one that:
* stops me feeling dirty and guilty
* stops me feeling ashamed
* makes it all go away
* makes me feel normal and human
* lets me forgive myself
* removes my brokenness
* stops me from wanting to hide away from the world
* stops me from thinking about self harm
* stops the other intrusive thoughts I am so ashamed of
* heals me so none of this is ever an issue again
* takes away all of the pain and grief, heartache and despair
* lets me believe the world is a safe place
* lets me trust in a good and loving God, without constant doubts
* stops me dwelling in the past
* stops the flashbacks and sleepless nights
* takes away the wall I put up whenever anyone hugs me - I feel myself emotionally shut down and it is like a solid wall between me and that person
* lets me trust that my friends genuinely do like me and to not doubt that or them
* makes me feel worthwhile
* makes me feel like I matter, that I am loved and lovable
* makes me feel whole
* heals the wounded child within so she can emerge whole, strong, confident, healthy, loved, loving and beautiful
OK, so now I've just listed all the things I want changed, and realised that there is nothing that can do that, no magic pill, bullet or sentence, I am feeling very, very down.
CD 16 - oh the joys of being on an emotional rollercoaster
I had a different, and nicer, nurse this morning. I spoke to her about my estrogen levels as I was concerned and she said that the two that were higher were both done by Symbion so she was thinking that it was likely they had their equipment calibrated differently to the ivf place and that as far as she was concerned, there had been no movement in my levels at all. So, I left there with a bruise now forming in my right arm but a lighter heart and a glimmer of hope.
My blood test today showed an increase in my estrogen levels so I am back again tomorrow for another needle. I am hoping that this time, things will keep going as they are meant to and I can have an embryo transfer some time next week.
As you can tell, I am on an emotional rollercoaster. I wish I could just sail along, not up and down, while I go through this process... perhaps it is something I can talk to the psych about this evening. Wonder if it is too late or something I can still learn?
My blood test today showed an increase in my estrogen levels so I am back again tomorrow for another needle. I am hoping that this time, things will keep going as they are meant to and I can have an embryo transfer some time next week.
As you can tell, I am on an emotional rollercoaster. I wish I could just sail along, not up and down, while I go through this process... perhaps it is something I can talk to the psych about this evening. Wonder if it is too late or something I can still learn?
Monday, May 3, 2010
CD15 - not looking too positive
Well, just got my results back and it seems my hormone levels have plateaued a bit with a slight decline... so another blood test tomorrow... but it looking like a possibility that this cycle won't be a goer. Am feeling very bummed at the thought of it but not quite giving up hope yet...
CD 15 - still on the blood test merry go round
I am still having blood tests at the moment. My estrogen levels are rising as they should (now up to 453), but haven't gone over the magic "500" number yet and my LH is starting to rise but no massive jump in it as yet (from 4.5 up to 5.6 then 6.5). So for now it is blood test, blood test, blood test... had one this morning and will need another tomorrow and most likely Wednesday and Thursday as well. I am trying not to worry about the possibility that I won't ovulate this cycle. I never knew people would still get periods but not ovulate until my neighbour did ivf and discovered that she wasn't ovulating at all but still getting her periods, so of course, my stupid head latches on to that and worries that I won't ovulate this month... stupid, stupid head!
This morning was a bit of a botched job. I asked the nurse to use my left arm as my right one has been copping it daily. She put the tie on to close of circulation and waited, patted my arm, rubbed my arm, poked and prodded veins and waited some more... then she put the needle in only to get no blood flow whatsoever. So then she thought it was a good idea to wobble the needle around in my arm, move it about a bit and generally butcher under my skin. I'm pretty sure she wasn't in a vein given the fact that there was not a single drop of blood to be drawn into the vial.
So she did the other arm and did it well and quickly. Guess my right arm will have to remain the pin cushion for this. It's a bit annoying as other people have drawn blood from my left arm before.
For now it is just blood tests and waiting to see if I ovulate. Indications at this stage are that it is likely I will. Fingers crossed I ovulate on time, not late otherwise I will have a bunch more days of needles to go.
I had a bit of a shock when I walked in for the blood test this morning as a person I know quite well, who I have worked collaboratively with on a number of projects through work was there handing in forms. I guess she is on the ivf treadmill too. We both said hello, chatted about work but it was a bit awkward. I don't know how she felt but other than those who are possibly reading this blog, I don't want people knowing we're doing ivf.
I am trying to keep myself busy so I don't have time to stop and think and dwell because when I do panic and anxiety sets in big time. I wish I knew how to just chill and go with the flow.
This morning was a bit of a botched job. I asked the nurse to use my left arm as my right one has been copping it daily. She put the tie on to close of circulation and waited, patted my arm, rubbed my arm, poked and prodded veins and waited some more... then she put the needle in only to get no blood flow whatsoever. So then she thought it was a good idea to wobble the needle around in my arm, move it about a bit and generally butcher under my skin. I'm pretty sure she wasn't in a vein given the fact that there was not a single drop of blood to be drawn into the vial.
So she did the other arm and did it well and quickly. Guess my right arm will have to remain the pin cushion for this. It's a bit annoying as other people have drawn blood from my left arm before.
For now it is just blood tests and waiting to see if I ovulate. Indications at this stage are that it is likely I will. Fingers crossed I ovulate on time, not late otherwise I will have a bunch more days of needles to go.
I had a bit of a shock when I walked in for the blood test this morning as a person I know quite well, who I have worked collaboratively with on a number of projects through work was there handing in forms. I guess she is on the ivf treadmill too. We both said hello, chatted about work but it was a bit awkward. I don't know how she felt but other than those who are possibly reading this blog, I don't want people knowing we're doing ivf.
I am trying to keep myself busy so I don't have time to stop and think and dwell because when I do panic and anxiety sets in big time. I wish I knew how to just chill and go with the flow.
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Cycle Day (CD) 13
Hmmm....highs and lows, over and over. It was really good to have a break between the blood test on the DBMFH's birthday and this next string of them because it separates this cycle away from her, which helps me feel more positive.
Yesterday I had a blood test and was expecting them to say not to worry until Monday so it was a bit of a shock to the system to get told I need to have another one today. It's funny, I can't wait for it all to start and at the same time I don't want it all to start. Although in reality, I do want it all to start. I am just scared that it will fail. I don't know if anyone ever has multiple first cycle successes... I guess there is no reason why we can't but I think the odds are hugely stacked against it.
So, I am about to get ready to go and have my next blood test. The girl who took it yesterday sucked big time. I hope she isn't the one taking it today. Fortunately today is packed full of spending time with people so I won't have a lot of time to think and worry.
I WANT to keep living my life while this happens but it is so hard not to think and wonder and hope and dream and feel anxious and scared and worried. I keep thinking "in a week or so I'll have an embryo on board" and "I wonder when it will happen", "I wonder if it will be a sticky pregnancy", "I wonder how I will cope in the two week wait". So many thoughts swirling around it feels like my head will explode and my body can't take all of the emotions.
DH is a helpless, useless pain in the butt... saying "don't think about it" and "you're worrying too much it won't help" and so yet again I feel I am in a position where I can't talk to him because he thinks my thinking and feelings are wrong. OK, so maybe my thinking isn't the most helpful thing in the world, but I'm pretty sure it is normal for people who are doing ivf, but my emotions AREN'T WRONG!!! I can't help feeling anxious and worried or excited or anything else. He truly sucks as an emotionally supportive husband.
Well, off to get ready for more blood to be taken... facing it with some trepidation. I'm going it alone without DH or DD so it can just be some me time... my favourite CD in the car, which DH hates, some time to roam the shops afterward, just a bit of breathing space for me. Cos really, it's all about me lol! DH doesn't have a single thing to do this time.. not that he did much for a full cycle either.
Yesterday I had a blood test and was expecting them to say not to worry until Monday so it was a bit of a shock to the system to get told I need to have another one today. It's funny, I can't wait for it all to start and at the same time I don't want it all to start. Although in reality, I do want it all to start. I am just scared that it will fail. I don't know if anyone ever has multiple first cycle successes... I guess there is no reason why we can't but I think the odds are hugely stacked against it.
So, I am about to get ready to go and have my next blood test. The girl who took it yesterday sucked big time. I hope she isn't the one taking it today. Fortunately today is packed full of spending time with people so I won't have a lot of time to think and worry.
I WANT to keep living my life while this happens but it is so hard not to think and wonder and hope and dream and feel anxious and scared and worried. I keep thinking "in a week or so I'll have an embryo on board" and "I wonder when it will happen", "I wonder if it will be a sticky pregnancy", "I wonder how I will cope in the two week wait". So many thoughts swirling around it feels like my head will explode and my body can't take all of the emotions.
DH is a helpless, useless pain in the butt... saying "don't think about it" and "you're worrying too much it won't help" and so yet again I feel I am in a position where I can't talk to him because he thinks my thinking and feelings are wrong. OK, so maybe my thinking isn't the most helpful thing in the world, but I'm pretty sure it is normal for people who are doing ivf, but my emotions AREN'T WRONG!!! I can't help feeling anxious and worried or excited or anything else. He truly sucks as an emotionally supportive husband.
Well, off to get ready for more blood to be taken... facing it with some trepidation. I'm going it alone without DH or DD so it can just be some me time... my favourite CD in the car, which DH hates, some time to roam the shops afterward, just a bit of breathing space for me. Cos really, it's all about me lol! DH doesn't have a single thing to do this time.. not that he did much for a full cycle either.
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