Hmmm.... I was talking to mum last night and she told me that my brother is coming to her house with his family for a week from 6th November. She was wondering what I was doing for my birthday and if I wanted to go down there and see them. I told her the date rang a bell and I didn't know why. In reality we are probably going to have DD's birthday party that day as her 'best friends' will be home. But I don't want to tell mum that because she will want to come and I don't want her there. We've done the family birthday and I don't want her ruiing DD's party. She was a miserable, criticising grump for the last 2 so I want this one to be a nice one.
And I certainly don't want to see my brother and his family. And that is where my dilemma comes in... do I say to mum "whether you want to know it or not, and whether you believe it or not, he sexually abused me for years when I was a child and the thought of seeing him with his daughter makes me physically ill. I can't see that. I can't watch that."
But to say that to her makes me vulnerable to her. I will be wanting her to acknowledge what happened and her failure to protect me. I will want her to love me and care about meand sympathise and I won't get that. So I am setting myself up to hurt and failure and more grief. She will turn it into something that is all about her, and something to do with me ruining things for her when she has cancer or some such guff. And I can't do that.
Interesting to know that I recognise that in telling her I will be making myself vulnerable to her once more. I need to protect myself from her and there is that part of me that won't stop wanting her to be my mum. I wish I could stop wanting that, longing for that, because things would no doubt be different then. It would be less complex and complicated.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Friday, October 8, 2010
very dumb, but very genuine, question
Was my childhood really that bad????
I saw my psych today and we were talking about my feelings about mum after having spent the week caring for her, how it feels for her to have cancer, the thought of her maybe dying etc... it was a good and useful conversation but at the end I started thinking "my childhood really wasn't that bad. Mum wasn't that bad. Why I am coming here talking about this when it really isn't that bad?"
So I guess what I am looking for is for someone to say "yes, it was bad. You should never have had to go through that. Your mum should have protected you. She failed you. It was bad and you are justified in feeling this bad and seeking help..." you get the drift????
I am stuck. I know I am minimising it... it's what I do and my psych and I even talked about the fact I feel this way, but I don't know how to move past it. I don't know how to tap into that next level and believe it was bad and I don't have to minimise it. I also want to know why I minimise it - what benefit do I get from doing that?
I saw my psych today and we were talking about my feelings about mum after having spent the week caring for her, how it feels for her to have cancer, the thought of her maybe dying etc... it was a good and useful conversation but at the end I started thinking "my childhood really wasn't that bad. Mum wasn't that bad. Why I am coming here talking about this when it really isn't that bad?"
So I guess what I am looking for is for someone to say "yes, it was bad. You should never have had to go through that. Your mum should have protected you. She failed you. It was bad and you are justified in feeling this bad and seeking help..." you get the drift????
I am stuck. I know I am minimising it... it's what I do and my psych and I even talked about the fact I feel this way, but I don't know how to move past it. I don't know how to tap into that next level and believe it was bad and I don't have to minimise it. I also want to know why I minimise it - what benefit do I get from doing that?
Friday, October 1, 2010
Stress and what not
Well, life certainly has a way of getting more and more complicated, rather than less, doesn't it. I found out 2 1/2 weeks ago that my mother has breast cancer. She spent the week before last in hospital after having a mastectomy. I offered to go and stay with her for the week after she got out of hospital. Well, that offer was a complete balls-up.
My sister visited my mum and looked after her dogs while she was in hospital. She was due to go on a week long holiday with her family on Sunday. They asked if I could go down Sunday night so she could let me know what I needed to do and lock the dogs up before pucking up mum from hospital on Monday. My sister said if I couldn't they could make other arrangements but I said it was fine, I could go. We were away for the weekend on the church family camp from Friday night - Sunday lunch time. On the Friday night at camp DD wouldn't settle to sleep as it was a strange place and not her bed. I called my sister on Saturday morning to say that if we had another night like that on Saturday night, there was no way I would risk driving the extra 3 hours to mum's place on SUnday night because I wasn't going to put DD and myself at risk driving on 4 hours sleep.
Well, my sister then started with a huge sigh in her voice "well, I suppose I will just have to give up my holiday then. I really need it because I've been looking after mum all week and I need a break. But I guess it's too much to ask so if you can't come on Sunday night I'll just have to stay home and miss my holiday." I told her I was leting her know as early as possible so the 'other arrangements' she had mentioned could be put in place and was told that that was no longer an option; her in-laws had gone away for the weekend because they weren't needed. I asked her why, what was needed that I couldn't go down first thing Monday morning. She said the dogs needed to be locked outside before mum got home so they didn't jump on her and if mum was going to be discharged she needed to be out of there by 9am. I said that the dogs were easily sorted. Mum could stay in the car while I got out and locked her dogs out of the house before she came in and as for her being discharged, given she was in a private hospital and I could be there by 9:30am surely there was somewhere mum could wait that half hour. But my sister just sulked and said "don't worry about it. I'll just stay home." I told her not to be stupid and she said I had better phone mum and tell her then.
So I phoned mum and explained why I wasn't willing to come down on teh Sunday night, risking DD and I driving when I was that tired. She started in on the "well I have to be out of here by 9am and I can't wait there for you. I need you to be there and the dogs need to be locked outside before I get home." So I explained to her what I had suggested to my sister. But no, that wasn't good enough. Then in the course of the conversation she said "I don't know when I'll get out. I don't know if the doctor will come and see my over the weekend or not until Monday morning so I may get discharged at 9am or not until later in teh day". So of course, I commented on that to her, that maybe my getting there somewhere between 9:30-10am would work out. And I got told in response "they found a malignancy. I don't know how much longer I have got" and started bawling about how she is "all alone with no one to look after her and no one to care and if I couldn't come down on Sunday then I shouldn't bother at all". I so wanted to take her at her word but I couldn't do that. So I told her I was not going to put up with this bullshit. She got angry at me swearing at her. She said "I just thought you could come home from camp early so you could come down. [Sister] has been here every day last week looking after me. She needs to have her holiday so I thought you would come home early." I tried explaining DH and I had some commitments at camp and she then started on me about how she thought "I should be your commitment and your priority". I pointed out that I was taking a week off work to help her when she was first home from hospital and she sighed and sulked and said "I suppose we have to do it your way. This is about me and I have cancer but I suppose it has to be your way" and then she started crying again and going on and on about how awful I was to her and how she was all alone and all she was asking was for me to come home early. I tried to tell her that we had solutions to all of her concerns about why I needed to be there Sunday night but she kept going on and on about how no one cares and I didn't care etc so I just hung up on her.
It was so hard to do. She's my mother and she has cancer. But it was pointless continuing the conversation. I was almost in tears so it was just better to hang up. So she ruined the camp for me. I was stressed and upset the whole time because of that.
And I realised, the minute I interact with my mum I become that hurting, broken child, desperate for her love and approval, willing to give in, to do anything to make her pleased with me and terrified, grieving and hurting when I can't please her. But because I have finally tapped into my anger at her for not protecting me as a child and for being an abusive, manipulative cow, that bubbled over and I swore and her and hung up on her. But that hurting, wounded little girl is still so desperate for mum's approval. You'd think I would have learned by now I'm never going to get it. But I automatically slip into that again and I react out of that. Doing and saying what needs to be said or done so I will get mum's love and approval. I guess there are years of counselling in that before I will stop being that little girl around my mum and start being a mother, wife, grown woman who stands up for herself. There's a good chance she might die before I get there and now, how can I stand up for myself when she has cancer? How can I call her on all of the emotional abuse and manipulation without looking like a complete and utter bitch? How can I protect myself from all of that without hating myself for being cruel to a 'dying woman'?
Sigh.....just when I was feeling on top of things again.
My sister visited my mum and looked after her dogs while she was in hospital. She was due to go on a week long holiday with her family on Sunday. They asked if I could go down Sunday night so she could let me know what I needed to do and lock the dogs up before pucking up mum from hospital on Monday. My sister said if I couldn't they could make other arrangements but I said it was fine, I could go. We were away for the weekend on the church family camp from Friday night - Sunday lunch time. On the Friday night at camp DD wouldn't settle to sleep as it was a strange place and not her bed. I called my sister on Saturday morning to say that if we had another night like that on Saturday night, there was no way I would risk driving the extra 3 hours to mum's place on SUnday night because I wasn't going to put DD and myself at risk driving on 4 hours sleep.
Well, my sister then started with a huge sigh in her voice "well, I suppose I will just have to give up my holiday then. I really need it because I've been looking after mum all week and I need a break. But I guess it's too much to ask so if you can't come on Sunday night I'll just have to stay home and miss my holiday." I told her I was leting her know as early as possible so the 'other arrangements' she had mentioned could be put in place and was told that that was no longer an option; her in-laws had gone away for the weekend because they weren't needed. I asked her why, what was needed that I couldn't go down first thing Monday morning. She said the dogs needed to be locked outside before mum got home so they didn't jump on her and if mum was going to be discharged she needed to be out of there by 9am. I said that the dogs were easily sorted. Mum could stay in the car while I got out and locked her dogs out of the house before she came in and as for her being discharged, given she was in a private hospital and I could be there by 9:30am surely there was somewhere mum could wait that half hour. But my sister just sulked and said "don't worry about it. I'll just stay home." I told her not to be stupid and she said I had better phone mum and tell her then.
So I phoned mum and explained why I wasn't willing to come down on teh Sunday night, risking DD and I driving when I was that tired. She started in on the "well I have to be out of here by 9am and I can't wait there for you. I need you to be there and the dogs need to be locked outside before I get home." So I explained to her what I had suggested to my sister. But no, that wasn't good enough. Then in the course of the conversation she said "I don't know when I'll get out. I don't know if the doctor will come and see my over the weekend or not until Monday morning so I may get discharged at 9am or not until later in teh day". So of course, I commented on that to her, that maybe my getting there somewhere between 9:30-10am would work out. And I got told in response "they found a malignancy. I don't know how much longer I have got" and started bawling about how she is "all alone with no one to look after her and no one to care and if I couldn't come down on Sunday then I shouldn't bother at all". I so wanted to take her at her word but I couldn't do that. So I told her I was not going to put up with this bullshit. She got angry at me swearing at her. She said "I just thought you could come home from camp early so you could come down. [Sister] has been here every day last week looking after me. She needs to have her holiday so I thought you would come home early." I tried explaining DH and I had some commitments at camp and she then started on me about how she thought "I should be your commitment and your priority". I pointed out that I was taking a week off work to help her when she was first home from hospital and she sighed and sulked and said "I suppose we have to do it your way. This is about me and I have cancer but I suppose it has to be your way" and then she started crying again and going on and on about how awful I was to her and how she was all alone and all she was asking was for me to come home early. I tried to tell her that we had solutions to all of her concerns about why I needed to be there Sunday night but she kept going on and on about how no one cares and I didn't care etc so I just hung up on her.
It was so hard to do. She's my mother and she has cancer. But it was pointless continuing the conversation. I was almost in tears so it was just better to hang up. So she ruined the camp for me. I was stressed and upset the whole time because of that.
And I realised, the minute I interact with my mum I become that hurting, broken child, desperate for her love and approval, willing to give in, to do anything to make her pleased with me and terrified, grieving and hurting when I can't please her. But because I have finally tapped into my anger at her for not protecting me as a child and for being an abusive, manipulative cow, that bubbled over and I swore and her and hung up on her. But that hurting, wounded little girl is still so desperate for mum's approval. You'd think I would have learned by now I'm never going to get it. But I automatically slip into that again and I react out of that. Doing and saying what needs to be said or done so I will get mum's love and approval. I guess there are years of counselling in that before I will stop being that little girl around my mum and start being a mother, wife, grown woman who stands up for herself. There's a good chance she might die before I get there and now, how can I stand up for myself when she has cancer? How can I call her on all of the emotional abuse and manipulation without looking like a complete and utter bitch? How can I protect myself from all of that without hating myself for being cruel to a 'dying woman'?
Sigh.....just when I was feeling on top of things again.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Times by Tenth Avenue North
If you haven't heard it, you should go look it up and listen to it...
I know I need You
I need to love You
I love to see You, but it's been so long
I long to feel You
I feel this need for You
And I need to hear You, is that so wrong?
Now You pull me near You
When we're close, I fear You
Still I'm afraid to tell You, all that I've done
Are You done forgiving?
Oh can You look past my pretending?
Lord, I'm so tired of defending, what I've become
What have I become?
I hear You say,
"My love is over. It's underneath.
It's inside. It's in between.
The times you doubt Me, when you can't feel.
The times that you question, 'Is this for real? '
The times you're broken.
The times that you mend.
The times that you hate Me, and the times that you bend.
Well, My love is over, it's underneath.
It's inside, it's in between.
These times you're healing, and when your heart breaks.
The times that you feel like you're falling from grace.
The times you're hurting.
The times that you heal.
The times you go hungry, and are tempted to steal.
The times of confusion, in chaos and pain.
I'm there in your sorrow, under the weight of your shame.
I'm there through your heartache.
I'm there in the storm.
My love I will keep you, by My pow'r alone.
I don't care where you fall, where you have been.
I'll never forsake you, My love never ends.
It never ends."
I am finally starting to trust that nothing can separate me from God's love (Romans 8:38-39). IT doesn't matter what was done to me as a child, or what I had to do to survive. God loves me. I am His child. I am slowly starting to believe and accept that.
I know I need You
I need to love You
I love to see You, but it's been so long
I long to feel You
I feel this need for You
And I need to hear You, is that so wrong?
Now You pull me near You
When we're close, I fear You
Still I'm afraid to tell You, all that I've done
Are You done forgiving?
Oh can You look past my pretending?
Lord, I'm so tired of defending, what I've become
What have I become?
I hear You say,
"My love is over. It's underneath.
It's inside. It's in between.
The times you doubt Me, when you can't feel.
The times that you question, 'Is this for real? '
The times you're broken.
The times that you mend.
The times that you hate Me, and the times that you bend.
Well, My love is over, it's underneath.
It's inside, it's in between.
These times you're healing, and when your heart breaks.
The times that you feel like you're falling from grace.
The times you're hurting.
The times that you heal.
The times you go hungry, and are tempted to steal.
The times of confusion, in chaos and pain.
I'm there in your sorrow, under the weight of your shame.
I'm there through your heartache.
I'm there in the storm.
My love I will keep you, by My pow'r alone.
I don't care where you fall, where you have been.
I'll never forsake you, My love never ends.
It never ends."
I am finally starting to trust that nothing can separate me from God's love (Romans 8:38-39). IT doesn't matter what was done to me as a child, or what I had to do to survive. God loves me. I am His child. I am slowly starting to believe and accept that.
Monday, September 6, 2010
A tale of two mothers
After spending 3 days away without DD it was so nice to get home and see her. I missed her something shocking and by her actions, I know she missed me too. After so much stress and worry in the early months about whether or not she would have a good attachment to me, it is such bliss to know that she does. To have that certainty. She kept coming up to me for cuddles, patting my arm and my head, saying "I love you too mummy" over and over. She was so jealous when I picked up our neighbour's little boy for a cuddle. She just wanted me all to herself. And I understand that. I had been away and while she had a great time with DH and her grandparents, she needed and wanted her mummy.
And it makes my heart so glad, not that she missed me because if I could spare her a day, an hour, a minute of sadness and pain I would, but it makes my heart sing to know that she has such a great, and healthy, attachment to me. DD will always get cuddles whenever she wants them, unconditional love and acceptance. It may mean that sometimes I am too lenient, and there may be some behavioural consequences of it, but I will do everything in my power to ensure she knows I am always there for her, always available and never feels rejected, slighted or unimportant.
But it also makes my heart sad because I don't have that with my mother.
I remember coming home from primary school, crying because I'd had a fight with my friends and mum asking me what was wrong. I remember cuddling up on her lap for a hug. She put her arms around me as I told her what it was about, and it was nice. But she would store up the words my friends had said that hurt me, and use them again at a later date when she was angry or upset; things like "well, you think you are just so smart coming first" or "your friends don't like you anymore". And the injustice of it was she didn't have to be angry or upset at me, I just happened to be there at the time.
I remember that I used to want to just sit at mum's feet, with my head on her knee and have her pat my head, stroke my hair, but I never remember her doing that.
I remember going to my mum when I was in 3rd class and telling her my brother was abusing me. She stopped doing her make up, asked me if it hurt, then told me to run along and play. There was no hug, no comfort, no caring support. Just indifference. That was when I decided never to tell her anything important or that mattered ever again.
I remember her saying I should have been the one to have cancer, not dad, because I had destroyed our family. Because I dared to have the courage to tell someone outside the family about the abuse.
I remember lying in bed listening to her cry in the weeks after dad had died. One night I went to her, put my hand on her shoulder, told her I loved her and I was there for her. She shrugged my hand off, snarled "I'm fine" and turned her back on me. That is when I closed my heart off to everyone and everything, so that I never felt that complete rejection and hurt again. I think it was when the last spark of caring, love, compassion, something.. I don't know what it was....for my mother died. I think it was when I just gave up.
I can't remember missing my mother, wanting to see her, looking forward to her coming home so I could talk to her. Perhaps I did in the early years. But I have no memory of it. All I have is memories of dread, disappointment, hurt... feelings of obligation, but that's about it.
I am lucky, I have moved on from that in some ways. I no longer protect my heart from everyone. I still protect it from her. I am surrounded by wonderful, warm, caring, mothering women who show me who I want to be and how a mother can be. I know I am lucky and I am so grateful. But it will still be a long journey.
So, perhaps you can understand why it is so fantastic for me to know DD has a secure attachment to me, and how much I love and enjoy that. It isn't until now, that I am a mother and I am also looking back at so much stuff, that I realise just how incredibly damaging not having that secure attachment is. It forms the pattern for all your relationships, friends, family, husbands, children... it shapes it all.
And it makes my heart so glad, not that she missed me because if I could spare her a day, an hour, a minute of sadness and pain I would, but it makes my heart sing to know that she has such a great, and healthy, attachment to me. DD will always get cuddles whenever she wants them, unconditional love and acceptance. It may mean that sometimes I am too lenient, and there may be some behavioural consequences of it, but I will do everything in my power to ensure she knows I am always there for her, always available and never feels rejected, slighted or unimportant.
But it also makes my heart sad because I don't have that with my mother.
I remember coming home from primary school, crying because I'd had a fight with my friends and mum asking me what was wrong. I remember cuddling up on her lap for a hug. She put her arms around me as I told her what it was about, and it was nice. But she would store up the words my friends had said that hurt me, and use them again at a later date when she was angry or upset; things like "well, you think you are just so smart coming first" or "your friends don't like you anymore". And the injustice of it was she didn't have to be angry or upset at me, I just happened to be there at the time.
I remember that I used to want to just sit at mum's feet, with my head on her knee and have her pat my head, stroke my hair, but I never remember her doing that.
I remember going to my mum when I was in 3rd class and telling her my brother was abusing me. She stopped doing her make up, asked me if it hurt, then told me to run along and play. There was no hug, no comfort, no caring support. Just indifference. That was when I decided never to tell her anything important or that mattered ever again.
I remember her saying I should have been the one to have cancer, not dad, because I had destroyed our family. Because I dared to have the courage to tell someone outside the family about the abuse.
I remember lying in bed listening to her cry in the weeks after dad had died. One night I went to her, put my hand on her shoulder, told her I loved her and I was there for her. She shrugged my hand off, snarled "I'm fine" and turned her back on me. That is when I closed my heart off to everyone and everything, so that I never felt that complete rejection and hurt again. I think it was when the last spark of caring, love, compassion, something.. I don't know what it was....for my mother died. I think it was when I just gave up.
I can't remember missing my mother, wanting to see her, looking forward to her coming home so I could talk to her. Perhaps I did in the early years. But I have no memory of it. All I have is memories of dread, disappointment, hurt... feelings of obligation, but that's about it.
I am lucky, I have moved on from that in some ways. I no longer protect my heart from everyone. I still protect it from her. I am surrounded by wonderful, warm, caring, mothering women who show me who I want to be and how a mother can be. I know I am lucky and I am so grateful. But it will still be a long journey.
So, perhaps you can understand why it is so fantastic for me to know DD has a secure attachment to me, and how much I love and enjoy that. It isn't until now, that I am a mother and I am also looking back at so much stuff, that I realise just how incredibly damaging not having that secure attachment is. It forms the pattern for all your relationships, friends, family, husbands, children... it shapes it all.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Boss made me cry... again!
I can't believe how sooky I have become lol! I know, I need to reframe the way I think about crying and 'negative' emotions.
Anyway, he came and asked if he could see me for a minute. I follow him to his office thinking "crap, someone has noticed how much time I've spent on the net at work lately and I'm in for it", expecially when he closed the door behind us. Then he handed me something, saying "I got something for you". He had had a massage yesterday and he bought me a one hour gift certificate for a massage because he was so sad to hear that I had had the miscarriage.
When I cried in front of him on Monday I thought he seemed a bit teary but I wasn't sure cos, you know, boys don't do that. So I said thank you and got all teary, told him he was making me cry and his eyes got all misty. Fortunately the phone rang and he had to get it... so I made my escape with some dignity intact.
What a guy! So now, of course, I have to take back all the uncharitable thoughts I've had about him over his semi-obvious favouritism of a mate in our office.
Anyway, he came and asked if he could see me for a minute. I follow him to his office thinking "crap, someone has noticed how much time I've spent on the net at work lately and I'm in for it", expecially when he closed the door behind us. Then he handed me something, saying "I got something for you". He had had a massage yesterday and he bought me a one hour gift certificate for a massage because he was so sad to hear that I had had the miscarriage.
When I cried in front of him on Monday I thought he seemed a bit teary but I wasn't sure cos, you know, boys don't do that. So I said thank you and got all teary, told him he was making me cry and his eyes got all misty. Fortunately the phone rang and he had to get it... so I made my escape with some dignity intact.
What a guy! So now, of course, I have to take back all the uncharitable thoughts I've had about him over his semi-obvious favouritism of a mate in our office.
Men!!!!!
Seriously!
I was reading a blog post from Mamamia and I told DH I wanted to link it to Facebook because I thought it was a very good, very informative and timely article (cos I am sick of comments from people about my tummy, two of the girls at church suspect I am pregnant and I keep seeing sideways looks at my tummy... and yes, I am paranoid and sensitive but it doesn't change the fact). I asked his input because, obviously, if I put something like that up, it would impact on him too.
Anyway, we got into quite a heated discussion of how he believes there are some things that we only share with family and a few close friends, if that, and miscarriage is one of them. I said that I think it is wrong that we are quite free to discuss the loss of a friend, relative or pet but no one wants to discuss the loss of a baby either through miscarriage or still birth. He thinks it entirely inappropriate to share that sort of information with people that aren't immediate friends or family and definitely not with men. I said I thought it sad that there was such a taboo about a genuine loss that so many women experience.
As usual, he didn't really hear my perspective and we just ended up shitty with each other. Needless to say, I didn't post the link to FB because I don't want it to have a negative impact on him that he isn't prepared for or able to cope with.
And I think that is the crux of it because he said about an hour later how uncomfortable he felt when a lady from church, who he knows but isn't all that friendly with, asked him how he was on Sunday in such a way as to indicate that she was aware of my miscarriage (thanks to the gossip grapevine, not me). So I think what it really comes down to is he has the emotional range of a teaspoon and if and when there may be some emotion, he certainly doesn't want it to be public in any way, shape or form. And that I think is where his overreaction and need for secrecy lies. There is no way in the world he would acknowledge it or admit to it though.
So, I will say again... Men!!!!
I was reading a blog post from Mamamia and I told DH I wanted to link it to Facebook because I thought it was a very good, very informative and timely article (cos I am sick of comments from people about my tummy, two of the girls at church suspect I am pregnant and I keep seeing sideways looks at my tummy... and yes, I am paranoid and sensitive but it doesn't change the fact). I asked his input because, obviously, if I put something like that up, it would impact on him too.
Anyway, we got into quite a heated discussion of how he believes there are some things that we only share with family and a few close friends, if that, and miscarriage is one of them. I said that I think it is wrong that we are quite free to discuss the loss of a friend, relative or pet but no one wants to discuss the loss of a baby either through miscarriage or still birth. He thinks it entirely inappropriate to share that sort of information with people that aren't immediate friends or family and definitely not with men. I said I thought it sad that there was such a taboo about a genuine loss that so many women experience.
As usual, he didn't really hear my perspective and we just ended up shitty with each other. Needless to say, I didn't post the link to FB because I don't want it to have a negative impact on him that he isn't prepared for or able to cope with.
And I think that is the crux of it because he said about an hour later how uncomfortable he felt when a lady from church, who he knows but isn't all that friendly with, asked him how he was on Sunday in such a way as to indicate that she was aware of my miscarriage (thanks to the gossip grapevine, not me). So I think what it really comes down to is he has the emotional range of a teaspoon and if and when there may be some emotion, he certainly doesn't want it to be public in any way, shape or form. And that I think is where his overreaction and need for secrecy lies. There is no way in the world he would acknowledge it or admit to it though.
So, I will say again... Men!!!!
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Ivf Counsellor
I went to see the ivf counsellor yesterday as I am still so bloody teary about this miscarriage and feel like I "should" be over it because I was after 2-3 weeks after my first miscarriage. I went with a lot of trepidation, because, you know me, I hate talking about myself and my 'stuff'. But she was good. Never before have I met someone who can out silence me... but it was a bit disconcerting as she would just sit in silence staring at me.
I spent most of the hour crying. She helped me to realise that I am actually grieving for a baby. I have told myself over and over that it was just an embryo but in my heart, I had already bonded with this "baby", despite trying to stay disconnected. I had a sense it was a boy and I had begun to make plans, have hopes and dreams for it and for us as a family. So I am grieving for a baby, plus my lost dreams and hopes and plans. I have allowed myself to be very sad and upset and hurt that I lost an embryo and a much wanted pregnancy, but I hadn't really allowed myself to grieve for the child it was to be. Talking to her about it helped. I think I will go back and see her again in a couple of weeks when I have had some time to process this.
She also suggested some things that people in similar situations do to help with the grieving process: write a letter to their baby or hold a ceremony of some sort. I wouldn't do the ceremony, but I like the idea of writing a letter. I think I will write one to each of the babies I have miscarried. I think that would be very helpful for me. I just need to find the time and space to do it when there is no DH or DD around so I have time to write, time to cry, time to mourn and find space for healing.
She also gave me a bear from Bears of Hope which was very nice, but made me bawl even more. I have also decided I am going to buy another bear for our first miscarried bub. Something that I can keep, just for me, in rememberance of another child that wasn't to be. I think the shopping for just the right bear will be very helpful and healing in itself.
One of the other things she suggested is that healing comes through talking about my experiences, my shattered hopes and dreams. I just might do that some time. I think I feel like I can't because I think people think I should be over it and also people don't know what to say so they feel uncomfortable and I don't want to make people uncomfortable.
Speaking of uncomfortable, I had a catch up meeting with my boss (male) yesterday. I am running behind on a couple of things because 1) I had a month off, with one week sick then 3 weeks for the miscarriage and 2) because my head really isn't together still and I am having a lot of trouble concentrating and writing clearly for my reports. So I thought I'd better just let him know I don't 'have my shit together' right now. I just said to him "my head is still all over the place and I am struggling to concentrate and am really not at my best just now" and started crying. Poor guy. He handed me some tissues, told me if there was anything he could do... told me I was free to take time off any time I need it without explaining. Very kind and helpful but man... do I have to cry in front of my boss???? Seriously! And then, why can't I cry with you girls who are my most lovely friends? Or even my psych who's bin seems to be permanently full of tissues?
Anyway, am crying now and am at work so had better "get my shit together".
I spent most of the hour crying. She helped me to realise that I am actually grieving for a baby. I have told myself over and over that it was just an embryo but in my heart, I had already bonded with this "baby", despite trying to stay disconnected. I had a sense it was a boy and I had begun to make plans, have hopes and dreams for it and for us as a family. So I am grieving for a baby, plus my lost dreams and hopes and plans. I have allowed myself to be very sad and upset and hurt that I lost an embryo and a much wanted pregnancy, but I hadn't really allowed myself to grieve for the child it was to be. Talking to her about it helped. I think I will go back and see her again in a couple of weeks when I have had some time to process this.
She also suggested some things that people in similar situations do to help with the grieving process: write a letter to their baby or hold a ceremony of some sort. I wouldn't do the ceremony, but I like the idea of writing a letter. I think I will write one to each of the babies I have miscarried. I think that would be very helpful for me. I just need to find the time and space to do it when there is no DH or DD around so I have time to write, time to cry, time to mourn and find space for healing.
She also gave me a bear from Bears of Hope which was very nice, but made me bawl even more. I have also decided I am going to buy another bear for our first miscarried bub. Something that I can keep, just for me, in rememberance of another child that wasn't to be. I think the shopping for just the right bear will be very helpful and healing in itself.
One of the other things she suggested is that healing comes through talking about my experiences, my shattered hopes and dreams. I just might do that some time. I think I feel like I can't because I think people think I should be over it and also people don't know what to say so they feel uncomfortable and I don't want to make people uncomfortable.
Speaking of uncomfortable, I had a catch up meeting with my boss (male) yesterday. I am running behind on a couple of things because 1) I had a month off, with one week sick then 3 weeks for the miscarriage and 2) because my head really isn't together still and I am having a lot of trouble concentrating and writing clearly for my reports. So I thought I'd better just let him know I don't 'have my shit together' right now. I just said to him "my head is still all over the place and I am struggling to concentrate and am really not at my best just now" and started crying. Poor guy. He handed me some tissues, told me if there was anything he could do... told me I was free to take time off any time I need it without explaining. Very kind and helpful but man... do I have to cry in front of my boss???? Seriously! And then, why can't I cry with you girls who are my most lovely friends? Or even my psych who's bin seems to be permanently full of tissues?
Anyway, am crying now and am at work so had better "get my shit together".
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Coincidence? and a vent
First for the coincidence
I went to see my physio yesterday to get all the knots etc worked out of my back and neck. I have known him for years and saw him very frequently about 15 years ago when I had a bad shoulder injury. I have seen him on and off since then and we talk about all sorts of stuff, like what a controlling, manipulative cow my mother is. Anyway, his admin girl looked up when I had last been to see him and it was 2 days short of a year. So my physio says "gosh you're all knots, has your mum been visiting?" I'm like, no but I will be seeing her on Friday. So then we laughed about how it was a year since I've seen him and mum was visiting same time last year for a dog thing too. So... coincidence???
Now for the vent.. also about my mother
What I would dearly love to say but won't-
Mum, it's my body and I know what I need to do for me. As I told you just after my miscarriage, and I will tell you again seeing you think you know everything, a curette would not solve my infertility problem because there is nothing there to solve. Yes, so you have heard so many stories of people unable to conceive having a curette and then falling pregnant; good luck to them. I have had so many ultrasounds, yes, the undignified 'stick the probe up the vajayjay' ones that give you a really good look (not to mention the endoscope and hysteroscope (sp?)), and there are no cysts, no polyps, no scarring, no endometriosis, nothing; just a clean bill of health with normal ovaries and uterus. So no, a curette wouldn't change that. Instead there is a risk it could cause scarring or other damage. And besides, talking to the fertility clinic this morning, there is a really good chance that the way my asthma was at the time of my miscarriage, an anaesthetist would have been very hesitant to put me under. So, as I said before and I will say again, I made the right choice for me and the choice I needed to make at the time.
Who knows, if she pushes enough buttons on Friday I may well say all of that to her anyway.
I went to see my physio yesterday to get all the knots etc worked out of my back and neck. I have known him for years and saw him very frequently about 15 years ago when I had a bad shoulder injury. I have seen him on and off since then and we talk about all sorts of stuff, like what a controlling, manipulative cow my mother is. Anyway, his admin girl looked up when I had last been to see him and it was 2 days short of a year. So my physio says "gosh you're all knots, has your mum been visiting?" I'm like, no but I will be seeing her on Friday. So then we laughed about how it was a year since I've seen him and mum was visiting same time last year for a dog thing too. So... coincidence???
Now for the vent.. also about my mother
What I would dearly love to say but won't-
Mum, it's my body and I know what I need to do for me. As I told you just after my miscarriage, and I will tell you again seeing you think you know everything, a curette would not solve my infertility problem because there is nothing there to solve. Yes, so you have heard so many stories of people unable to conceive having a curette and then falling pregnant; good luck to them. I have had so many ultrasounds, yes, the undignified 'stick the probe up the vajayjay' ones that give you a really good look (not to mention the endoscope and hysteroscope (sp?)), and there are no cysts, no polyps, no scarring, no endometriosis, nothing; just a clean bill of health with normal ovaries and uterus. So no, a curette wouldn't change that. Instead there is a risk it could cause scarring or other damage. And besides, talking to the fertility clinic this morning, there is a really good chance that the way my asthma was at the time of my miscarriage, an anaesthetist would have been very hesitant to put me under. So, as I said before and I will say again, I made the right choice for me and the choice I needed to make at the time.
Who knows, if she pushes enough buttons on Friday I may well say all of that to her anyway.
Monday, August 9, 2010
Time to refocus
I am back at work, feeling slightly better and over most of the physical symptoms of my miscarriage, so I figured it's time to change my focus a bit.
My goal for the next little while is to get on top of my veggie garden and the whole 'green living' thing. I came across this blog from a newsletter I subscribe to and I really liked this bit -
"Reduce: Slow down your purchasing and consumption overall. Start asking yourself, do I really need it? Will I be happier having it? Why am I buying or using this? How many hours do I need to work to pay for this? This is an easy first step to start being an ecologically conscious consumer."
I particularly like the bit in bold; how many hours do I need to work to pay for this? It is a good way to think about the true value, to you, of whatever the item is.
We live in such a consumer driven society. We shop for pleasure, to reduce our misery, for that temporary good feeling etc. We buy stuff because it was on sale, not because we need it. We throw away copious amounts of unused, spoiled food and other stuff that we bring into our lives without thinking about.
So it's got me thinking about what it is I want from life. I have long been attracted to the idea of voluntary simplicity or frugality. My trouble is convincing DH to join me on the journey.
To be honest, I am still sad about the miscarriage. I am still sad about the one I had 14 months ago, but with time, the pain eases, the grieving slows and I know I will be OK. I will always be sad at the lost opportunity, the potential children that never were, but I will be OK.
I like the idea of grounding myself by digging in the soil, feeling the sun on my back and making changes that I know are good for me, good for my family and good for the long term sustainability of the planet (as daggy as that sounds).
My goal for the next little while is to get on top of my veggie garden and the whole 'green living' thing. I came across this blog from a newsletter I subscribe to and I really liked this bit -
"Reduce: Slow down your purchasing and consumption overall. Start asking yourself, do I really need it? Will I be happier having it? Why am I buying or using this? How many hours do I need to work to pay for this? This is an easy first step to start being an ecologically conscious consumer."
I particularly like the bit in bold; how many hours do I need to work to pay for this? It is a good way to think about the true value, to you, of whatever the item is.
We live in such a consumer driven society. We shop for pleasure, to reduce our misery, for that temporary good feeling etc. We buy stuff because it was on sale, not because we need it. We throw away copious amounts of unused, spoiled food and other stuff that we bring into our lives without thinking about.
So it's got me thinking about what it is I want from life. I have long been attracted to the idea of voluntary simplicity or frugality. My trouble is convincing DH to join me on the journey.
To be honest, I am still sad about the miscarriage. I am still sad about the one I had 14 months ago, but with time, the pain eases, the grieving slows and I know I will be OK. I will always be sad at the lost opportunity, the potential children that never were, but I will be OK.
I like the idea of grounding myself by digging in the soil, feeling the sun on my back and making changes that I know are good for me, good for my family and good for the long term sustainability of the planet (as daggy as that sounds).
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Trust and tears
When I saw my psych recently I showed her the post I had written about crying so much at church. To me, I see my crying as a sign of weakness and was really annoyed at myself that I would show that in front of people. But my psych asked me why she thought I felt safe enough for the walls to come down and the tears to come. I hadn't thought of it like that and I'm still not sure if I do, because I have seen other friends that I would have said I trust more since having my miscarriage and I have had my "brave" face on.
So then, if it's not a matter of level of trust, what is it? What caused it? I am wondering this as it is church tomorrow and I don't want to go there and cry again but I fear that I might. So then, what is it about church that makes me cry?
So then, if it's not a matter of level of trust, what is it? What caused it? I am wondering this as it is church tomorrow and I don't want to go there and cry again but I fear that I might. So then, what is it about church that makes me cry?
Thursday, August 5, 2010
A revelation
I had a bit of an "ah - ha" moment today so I thought I would write about it.
One of my friend's got her positive pregnancy test. It is the friend I was really hopeful for and I have been saying I would do the happy dance for her. I always thought I would because I so wanted her to get pregnant again but I always wondered if I truly would do the happy dance or be completely, utterly envious.
Well I found out today she got her positive blood test and I also found out that yes, I honestly could do the happy dance for her. Of course I am sad for me that I lost my pregnancy, but hearing her good news actually lifted my heart a bit.
And it got me thinking, if I can feel genuinely happy for her, why can't I for others? Yes, this friend carried her baby to term and lost her precious son within an hour of being born. Yes, she has been through a miscarriage and multiple rounds of ivf. But just because my others friends conceive without all of that heartbreak and grief and difficulty, does it make them any less deserving?
And the answer is no. Of all of the people I know who have conceived since I had my first miscarriage, all but one of them wanted their baby. It may have come sooner than they anticipated, as some of them thought they would be trying for a while before it happened.
So are they any less deserving of their baby just because they didn't do it tough to conceive? No. And I realised I should be just as happy for them, that they are having their hoped-for child, as I am for my friend who just got her BFP after going through so much.
I know that won't necessarily change all of the envy and jealousy and it won't take away my grief or pain, but it has shifted my thinking a bit and perhaps that will help me in the long run. Perhaps I can start seeing that other people's pregnancies aren't about me and what I am going, and have gone, through. (Little self-absorbed there huh???)
Not sure there will be any further happy dances from me at this stage, but my friend, you know who you are, I am doing it for you with a happy heart. And very happy that I can genuinely do that.
One of my friend's got her positive pregnancy test. It is the friend I was really hopeful for and I have been saying I would do the happy dance for her. I always thought I would because I so wanted her to get pregnant again but I always wondered if I truly would do the happy dance or be completely, utterly envious.
Well I found out today she got her positive blood test and I also found out that yes, I honestly could do the happy dance for her. Of course I am sad for me that I lost my pregnancy, but hearing her good news actually lifted my heart a bit.
And it got me thinking, if I can feel genuinely happy for her, why can't I for others? Yes, this friend carried her baby to term and lost her precious son within an hour of being born. Yes, she has been through a miscarriage and multiple rounds of ivf. But just because my others friends conceive without all of that heartbreak and grief and difficulty, does it make them any less deserving?
And the answer is no. Of all of the people I know who have conceived since I had my first miscarriage, all but one of them wanted their baby. It may have come sooner than they anticipated, as some of them thought they would be trying for a while before it happened.
So are they any less deserving of their baby just because they didn't do it tough to conceive? No. And I realised I should be just as happy for them, that they are having their hoped-for child, as I am for my friend who just got her BFP after going through so much.
I know that won't necessarily change all of the envy and jealousy and it won't take away my grief or pain, but it has shifted my thinking a bit and perhaps that will help me in the long run. Perhaps I can start seeing that other people's pregnancies aren't about me and what I am going, and have gone, through. (Little self-absorbed there huh???)
Not sure there will be any further happy dances from me at this stage, but my friend, you know who you are, I am doing it for you with a happy heart. And very happy that I can genuinely do that.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Why is it always the way???
Last year our bub was due 24 December but I miscarried it. A friend from church's bub was due 29 December. She got to have her baby.
When I conceived this year I would have been due 24 Feb, but I miscarried again. A friend from church has just announced she is pregnant and due 16 Feb. Fortunately she is away at the moment due to a RAAF husband but they will no doubt be back in time for me to "celebrate".
Why must they always be so close? Why must I have it rubbed in my face what I have missed, the birth, the baby, the milestones. Why must there be a baby at the same age as mine should have been so I have that constant reminder. Why must I share anniversaries of failed pregnancies with the live baby of someone I know and am friends with?
I really feel like God is mocking me, taunting me because I am not good enough, faithful enough, trusting enough. He asks too much.
There are no words for the grief I feel.
It is too much. Too much to mention, too much to bear.
When I conceived this year I would have been due 24 Feb, but I miscarried again. A friend from church has just announced she is pregnant and due 16 Feb. Fortunately she is away at the moment due to a RAAF husband but they will no doubt be back in time for me to "celebrate".
Why must they always be so close? Why must I have it rubbed in my face what I have missed, the birth, the baby, the milestones. Why must there be a baby at the same age as mine should have been so I have that constant reminder. Why must I share anniversaries of failed pregnancies with the live baby of someone I know and am friends with?
I really feel like God is mocking me, taunting me because I am not good enough, faithful enough, trusting enough. He asks too much.
There are no words for the grief I feel.
It is too much. Too much to mention, too much to bear.
Monday, August 2, 2010
Freakin' water spout!!!!
Damn it, damn it, damn it. For someone who doesn't cry in front of anyone I've turned into a leaky bloody tap! Guess I've moved through the shock part of grieving and have hit the "cry a lot" stage..fark me!
It started yesterday at church when I gave my friend on the door a hug. She asked how I was and I burst into tears. I was still crying when another friend arrived. She took one look at me and guessed what had happened. So we stood outside talking. Another friend spotted us and came out, asked how I was and I said "fine thanks" as the tears started AGAIN! Then a little bit later I took DD to play before creche and another mum, who does know about the miscarriage, came out looked at my face, she got teary so I started crying. And then AGAIN later, after church, when I was talking to someone I hardly know. FFS!!!
Then this morning my MIL arrives. I give her a hug to say thank you for the lovely flowers she sent us. She asks how I am and I get all teary AGAIN. Then she gets teary which makes me more teary. FFS!!!!
I don't want to cry in front of people...argh! This is ridiculous...
having said that, my psych would want me to stop my head and the analyzing kicking in - "this is ridiculous" is a cognition thing. She would want me to sit and figure out how my body actually physically feels at this point in time. Sounds a bit like mumbo jumbo but makes sense in context.
So let's see....I don't think I can feel my body. Yep it's there, bum on seat, foot on timber back of computer desk... feeling emotions in my body.... OK, so there's something in my chest but I can't describe it. It's not tight, it's not burning, I don't feel sick... it's kinda hot and cold and weird. I guess I don't "do" emotions very well.
Rain, rain, go away, please don't come another day... in this context the rain is my tears. I need and want to stop crying at the drop of a hat. It isn't me. I don't do that. I don't want to do that. I hate it. Oops, that's me thinking again not just sitting with the feeling.
ps... didn't tkae sleeping tablets last night as they seem to kick in in the wee hours of the morning and make waking up the next day almost impossible. DH had to leave very early for work so I needed to be available for DD. Took a while to fall asleep but certainly not hours. Thank goodness I finally got a bit of relief from the insomnia. Fingers crossed it continues.
It started yesterday at church when I gave my friend on the door a hug. She asked how I was and I burst into tears. I was still crying when another friend arrived. She took one look at me and guessed what had happened. So we stood outside talking. Another friend spotted us and came out, asked how I was and I said "fine thanks" as the tears started AGAIN! Then a little bit later I took DD to play before creche and another mum, who does know about the miscarriage, came out looked at my face, she got teary so I started crying. And then AGAIN later, after church, when I was talking to someone I hardly know. FFS!!!
Then this morning my MIL arrives. I give her a hug to say thank you for the lovely flowers she sent us. She asks how I am and I get all teary AGAIN. Then she gets teary which makes me more teary. FFS!!!!
I don't want to cry in front of people...argh! This is ridiculous...
having said that, my psych would want me to stop my head and the analyzing kicking in - "this is ridiculous" is a cognition thing. She would want me to sit and figure out how my body actually physically feels at this point in time. Sounds a bit like mumbo jumbo but makes sense in context.
So let's see....I don't think I can feel my body. Yep it's there, bum on seat, foot on timber back of computer desk... feeling emotions in my body.... OK, so there's something in my chest but I can't describe it. It's not tight, it's not burning, I don't feel sick... it's kinda hot and cold and weird. I guess I don't "do" emotions very well.
Rain, rain, go away, please don't come another day... in this context the rain is my tears. I need and want to stop crying at the drop of a hat. It isn't me. I don't do that. I don't want to do that. I hate it. Oops, that's me thinking again not just sitting with the feeling.
ps... didn't tkae sleeping tablets last night as they seem to kick in in the wee hours of the morning and make waking up the next day almost impossible. DH had to leave very early for work so I needed to be available for DD. Took a while to fall asleep but certainly not hours. Thank goodness I finally got a bit of relief from the insomnia. Fingers crossed it continues.
Sunday, August 1, 2010
Feeling like a complete biatch
I am biding my time, waiting with bated breath to hear whether or not a friend will get a BFP in this round of ivf. I am so hopeful she will.
And at the same time I am dreading hearing that another friend has conceived. Which makes me feel like a total bitch. Of course I would be happy if my friend conceived BUT she was told she would never have children. She already has 2, which were conceived naturally within 2-3 months of trying each time. So I know she will be falling pregnant in no time. And of course, I will be happy for her. She is a wonderful person and a fantastic mum.
Why the difference in reaction? I can't really explain. There is just a world of grief and pain.
I don't want to be envious. I don't want to be jealous. I don't want to be sad and hurting when I learn of yet another person getting pregnant. I don't want to be that person. But it serves as a constant, painful reminder of what I don't have. It opens up the grief and heartache, makes it fresh once more. Of course I am happy for them, but it just amplifies my pain.
Being around pregnant people and newborns causes me a physical ache in my heart at the moment.
ps.... sleeping tablets didn't help. Double dose last night didn't make a difference. I can't up them any further. Will try again tonight and see what happens or I may well be back to my gp.
And at the same time I am dreading hearing that another friend has conceived. Which makes me feel like a total bitch. Of course I would be happy if my friend conceived BUT she was told she would never have children. She already has 2, which were conceived naturally within 2-3 months of trying each time. So I know she will be falling pregnant in no time. And of course, I will be happy for her. She is a wonderful person and a fantastic mum.
Why the difference in reaction? I can't really explain. There is just a world of grief and pain.
I don't want to be envious. I don't want to be jealous. I don't want to be sad and hurting when I learn of yet another person getting pregnant. I don't want to be that person. But it serves as a constant, painful reminder of what I don't have. It opens up the grief and heartache, makes it fresh once more. Of course I am happy for them, but it just amplifies my pain.
Being around pregnant people and newborns causes me a physical ache in my heart at the moment.
ps.... sleeping tablets didn't help. Double dose last night didn't make a difference. I can't up them any further. Will try again tonight and see what happens or I may well be back to my gp.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
To go to work or not to go to work...
That's the question I am facing, or was, until I saw my psych today and shared my journalling with her. So I thought I'd write it here as well
I am stuck facing the question of whether or not to go to work on Monday.
Physically I am OK and there is no reason not to, but emotionally I don't think I am ready. But then, if I went to work I would just suck it up and get on with it and I know I would be fine. I went back after 2 weeks last year and I was OK. Maybe I need to get back into routine to help me feel better.
But I am still feeling very teary. I cry myself to sleep some nights or wake up with tears on my cheeks in the night. I feel like I should be over the miscarriage by now. It wasn't a real baby, just an embryo that failed to develop. I've cried and been sad. It should be enough. I should be done and over it now.
Perhaps by staying home another week I am just wallowing and being self-indulgent. DH thinks I should go back. He's had it in his head that I set myself a time limit of 2 weeks and then I'd get on with things.
But I also had plans. My plan was that in my second week off I would take DD for long walks or bike rides to kick start exercising. And that I would change my horrendously bad diet. That I would take time to spring clean the laundry and my craft room. Basically do a thorough overhaul of my lifestyle, spring clean to start afresh. But the trip to Tamworth and the weather have prevented that. I don't feel I can make the changes if I am back at work. I need to make those changes, especially the lifestyle ones, because what I am doing now is so unhealthy. It is an expression of my hurt and anger and self-loathing at this body that has failed me over and over. I want to change, I need to change, but just getting stuck back into normal routine won't allow me to make those changes. I need to start making healthy choices.
I feel like people will think I am a failure or a malingerer if I don't go back to work. I don't want to be judged for the decisions I make.
Telling my psych all of this this morning, she validated my feelings. She also suggested that if someone were to take holidays, it really takes about 3 weeks to unwind, relax and all of that and she pointed out that I wasn't on holidays, I was grieving a planned child, a baby who had become part of my hopes, dreams and life and that there is no time limit to grief. If people need 3 weeks rec leave, surely there is nothing wrong with 3 weeks off after a miscarriage. Her words helped and I realised that I feel stressed if I think of going back to work on Monday but relax a bit if I think of having an extra week off.
So that is what I am doing.
I am stuck facing the question of whether or not to go to work on Monday.
Physically I am OK and there is no reason not to, but emotionally I don't think I am ready. But then, if I went to work I would just suck it up and get on with it and I know I would be fine. I went back after 2 weeks last year and I was OK. Maybe I need to get back into routine to help me feel better.
But I am still feeling very teary. I cry myself to sleep some nights or wake up with tears on my cheeks in the night. I feel like I should be over the miscarriage by now. It wasn't a real baby, just an embryo that failed to develop. I've cried and been sad. It should be enough. I should be done and over it now.
Perhaps by staying home another week I am just wallowing and being self-indulgent. DH thinks I should go back. He's had it in his head that I set myself a time limit of 2 weeks and then I'd get on with things.
But I also had plans. My plan was that in my second week off I would take DD for long walks or bike rides to kick start exercising. And that I would change my horrendously bad diet. That I would take time to spring clean the laundry and my craft room. Basically do a thorough overhaul of my lifestyle, spring clean to start afresh. But the trip to Tamworth and the weather have prevented that. I don't feel I can make the changes if I am back at work. I need to make those changes, especially the lifestyle ones, because what I am doing now is so unhealthy. It is an expression of my hurt and anger and self-loathing at this body that has failed me over and over. I want to change, I need to change, but just getting stuck back into normal routine won't allow me to make those changes. I need to start making healthy choices.
I feel like people will think I am a failure or a malingerer if I don't go back to work. I don't want to be judged for the decisions I make.
Telling my psych all of this this morning, she validated my feelings. She also suggested that if someone were to take holidays, it really takes about 3 weeks to unwind, relax and all of that and she pointed out that I wasn't on holidays, I was grieving a planned child, a baby who had become part of my hopes, dreams and life and that there is no time limit to grief. If people need 3 weeks rec leave, surely there is nothing wrong with 3 weeks off after a miscarriage. Her words helped and I realised that I feel stressed if I think of going back to work on Monday but relax a bit if I think of having an extra week off.
So that is what I am doing.
Bliss....sleep
Perhaps I should talk to my psych more often. I came home and slept for 3 hours after seeing her this morning :) I took 5 blog posts for her to read. We talked not so much about their content but rather how my head and my body are so disconnected. Will ponder it some more and see if I can write about it later. I know I live all of my life in my head with my thoughts rather than experiencing life in my body with feelings and emotions.
I tried a sleeping tablet last night. My body felt lovely and relaxed but I was still awake 2 hours later when DH came to bed. Am going to up the dose tonight if falling asleep doesn't work for me naturally and see if that helps. A couple of nights of sleep and I think I will start to feel a lot better.
I have lots to think and write about but have other things to do now. I always come away from my psych with a head full of stuff. I think it is a good thing.
I tried a sleeping tablet last night. My body felt lovely and relaxed but I was still awake 2 hours later when DH came to bed. Am going to up the dose tonight if falling asleep doesn't work for me naturally and see if that helps. A couple of nights of sleep and I think I will start to feel a lot better.
I have lots to think and write about but have other things to do now. I always come away from my psych with a head full of stuff. I think it is a good thing.
Friday, July 30, 2010
A quick update
When I saw my gp last week I spoke to her about my insomnia at the moment. She gave me a prescription for some sleeping tablets to help me fall asleep just at the moment while I cope with this miscarriage, but I am so loathe to take medication and I thought I could do it on my own. But after a week of having trouble falling asleep, and the last two nights not falling asleep until after 2:30am, I decided to get the prescription filled today. Can you believe on the packet it says "warning: may cause drowsiness" pmsl!!! Um...OK. They are sleeping pills so I hope they cause drowsiness or I'm screwed lol!
I had a follow up appointment on Wednesday at the hospital and they are going to monitor me regularly for a little while. I had a blood test which shows my hcg levels (pregnancy hormone) were still at 285 on Wednesday. Given that pregnancy tests usually detect a positive result at somewhere around 20-25, I'm still a long way up at the moment. I will have to have regular blood tests for a while to track it down to below 5, which is where you are classified as 'not pregnant'. Sigh... pin cushion in the lead up to FET, pin cushion post miscarriage. Hopefully I won't have so many holes I start leaking. They always use the same vein and the lady at HAPS on Wednesday was brutal. Give me the nurses at the ivf clinic any day.
I have decided to bite the bullet with my psych. I called on Wed afternoon as it was a REALLY bad day, to see if she had any spare or cancelled appointments. I have an appointment tomorrow morning at 8am. At the moment I am SO NOT a morning person so leaving home by 7:30am to get there will be a challenge. BUT, I have printed out a couple of my blog posts to share with her. I did it once before when there was stuff I wrote on here and wanted to share but knew I would struggle to share it.
I hope you gals who read this know I didn't write my post the other day, the one about the "how are you", about any of you. I know there are no easy answers when someone is in pain and hurting and I know you aren't trained to deal with it, to have the right words or to fix anything. Just knowing you are there, listening and that you care is enough for me. I don't know where I'd be without you all. I need my friends, not more counsellors or psychs :)
I had a follow up appointment on Wednesday at the hospital and they are going to monitor me regularly for a little while. I had a blood test which shows my hcg levels (pregnancy hormone) were still at 285 on Wednesday. Given that pregnancy tests usually detect a positive result at somewhere around 20-25, I'm still a long way up at the moment. I will have to have regular blood tests for a while to track it down to below 5, which is where you are classified as 'not pregnant'. Sigh... pin cushion in the lead up to FET, pin cushion post miscarriage. Hopefully I won't have so many holes I start leaking. They always use the same vein and the lady at HAPS on Wednesday was brutal. Give me the nurses at the ivf clinic any day.
I have decided to bite the bullet with my psych. I called on Wed afternoon as it was a REALLY bad day, to see if she had any spare or cancelled appointments. I have an appointment tomorrow morning at 8am. At the moment I am SO NOT a morning person so leaving home by 7:30am to get there will be a challenge. BUT, I have printed out a couple of my blog posts to share with her. I did it once before when there was stuff I wrote on here and wanted to share but knew I would struggle to share it.
I hope you gals who read this know I didn't write my post the other day, the one about the "how are you", about any of you. I know there are no easy answers when someone is in pain and hurting and I know you aren't trained to deal with it, to have the right words or to fix anything. Just knowing you are there, listening and that you care is enough for me. I don't know where I'd be without you all. I need my friends, not more counsellors or psychs :)
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
I'm OK really
Gosh my last post sounded pretty bleak. I think I am OK really, just being way harder on myself than I need to be. I feel like I "should" be over this miscarriage by now. I think I 'got over' the last one by now so I expect I should be feeling better and have adjusted to the loss by now. But I haven't and I'm not over it. I was so excited and so happy to think that ivf had worked for us once more. There was no hint that anything was wrong at all. I still find myself getting very teary at times, like today at my follow up appointment. They asked me how I was doing emotionally. No one has asked me that. I just wanted to cry and cry and cry. But I didn't. I wouldn't. It touched on a deep, aching need inside that I can't explain.
It was kinda like when I was in hospital at 17 to have my tonsils out. When mum came to get me to take me home I cried. I told mum it was because I was just so tired and my throat hurt so much still. But really I was crying because I had felt cared for and that care had touched on a deep aching need inside. I think it was a bit like that today. The way the doctor asked how I was and the concern on the nurses face just touched that hurting part of me and made me want to cry.
When I think of my childhood and the way my mother treated me, I really don't think it was that bad. I mean she didn't beat me, I was fed, sheltered, cared for, not starved, not locked up. I think I would prefer all of that because then maybe I would feel like the way I feel and my current relationship with her would be justified. And I think of my mother's lack of consistent care and affection, my lack of attachment to her, my lack of security with her and the highly conditional love I experienced from her; none of it seems like it is or was bad enough to cause the problems I have and the way I feel.
Then I remember things like coming home from primary school crying because my friends were picking on me. When she asked what was wrong I cuddled up on her lap and told her why I was crying and what we were fighting about and she gave me a cuddle which was nice. But then some time later she would use what I was crying about as a way to hurt me. I learned very early on that crying gave her a weapon to cause me pain and hurt at a later date, by mocking me or using the same words and situation to lash out at me when she was mad or upset or something.
So it is probably no wonder I won't cry in front of people. I mean, I learned that all crying did was get you teased more at school or used as a tool for emotional abuse at home. So that is why I am so stuck and will not cry in front of my psych. She isn't my mum and I am pretty sure she wouldn't use it to hurt me in any way but there is just a complete block that will not let the tears out. I think it comes down to trust and I would really like to trust her because I really do think she is a good fit for me.
So for someone who would really like to just put all the walls back up, not trust anyone and just bottle everything up once more, I seem to be doing a lot of talking and sharing. I am torn; completely, utterly torn about it all at the moment.
It was kinda like when I was in hospital at 17 to have my tonsils out. When mum came to get me to take me home I cried. I told mum it was because I was just so tired and my throat hurt so much still. But really I was crying because I had felt cared for and that care had touched on a deep aching need inside. I think it was a bit like that today. The way the doctor asked how I was and the concern on the nurses face just touched that hurting part of me and made me want to cry.
When I think of my childhood and the way my mother treated me, I really don't think it was that bad. I mean she didn't beat me, I was fed, sheltered, cared for, not starved, not locked up. I think I would prefer all of that because then maybe I would feel like the way I feel and my current relationship with her would be justified. And I think of my mother's lack of consistent care and affection, my lack of attachment to her, my lack of security with her and the highly conditional love I experienced from her; none of it seems like it is or was bad enough to cause the problems I have and the way I feel.
Then I remember things like coming home from primary school crying because my friends were picking on me. When she asked what was wrong I cuddled up on her lap and told her why I was crying and what we were fighting about and she gave me a cuddle which was nice. But then some time later she would use what I was crying about as a way to hurt me. I learned very early on that crying gave her a weapon to cause me pain and hurt at a later date, by mocking me or using the same words and situation to lash out at me when she was mad or upset or something.
So it is probably no wonder I won't cry in front of people. I mean, I learned that all crying did was get you teased more at school or used as a tool for emotional abuse at home. So that is why I am so stuck and will not cry in front of my psych. She isn't my mum and I am pretty sure she wouldn't use it to hurt me in any way but there is just a complete block that will not let the tears out. I think it comes down to trust and I would really like to trust her because I really do think she is a good fit for me.
So for someone who would really like to just put all the walls back up, not trust anyone and just bottle everything up once more, I seem to be doing a lot of talking and sharing. I am torn; completely, utterly torn about it all at the moment.
The hardest words to say
Such short, simple words, but the hardest ones to say.....
I am not OK. I need help.
But after my last post you may perhaps understand why I can't say them. I think them in the deep, dark, long hours of the night as I lie awake, alone with my grief, heartache and longing. I scream them in my mind. But I can't say them.
So I get up in the morning and suck it up. I need to be a wife, a mother, a friend, a colleague, a neighbour, an employee, a housekeeper, a cook and so much more. So many hats that I need to wear every day. There is no time to not be coping, no time to not be OK, no time to be falling to pieces, no time to grieve and besides, I should be done by now.
It's not OK to not be OK.
I am not OK. I need help.
But after my last post you may perhaps understand why I can't say them. I think them in the deep, dark, long hours of the night as I lie awake, alone with my grief, heartache and longing. I scream them in my mind. But I can't say them.
So I get up in the morning and suck it up. I need to be a wife, a mother, a friend, a colleague, a neighbour, an employee, a housekeeper, a cook and so much more. So many hats that I need to wear every day. There is no time to not be coping, no time to not be OK, no time to be falling to pieces, no time to grieve and besides, I should be done by now.
It's not OK to not be OK.
Openness, honesty and unmet expectations
Well, what can you say/think/do when you tell someone how you are truly feeling and you are met with dead silence? I guess the "how are you?" wasn't genuine cos they certainly didn't want to know the truth. I am sorry that my truth and honesty confronted them where they are at and I know it isn't easy to know what to say but for fuck sake, I lost a baby, I am not going to be a happy camper just now. I need to grieve and yes, there is and will be raw emotions and deep pain for a while yet. But I am sorry. I thought we were friends and that you were genuinely asking. I guess not. I guess it isn't OK for me to have questions for, and about, God.
I knew this trusting people thing was a dumb idea. Somewhere along the way I got conned into thinking it was what people do and it was OK.
Talk about unmet expectations. I didn't expect a theological answer. An "i don't know what to say" or an "I'm sorry it is so tough" or even just a hug would have been OK.
Think I need to reassess and reevaluate. Maybe some time and space to protect myself is needed. Think I'll just build that wall back up.
I will grin and bear it and in future say "I am fine, thanks for asking" with a happy smile on my face. We can all go back to pretending all is well and that there is no grief, pain, heartbreak or doubt in the world.
I knew this trusting people thing was a dumb idea. Somewhere along the way I got conned into thinking it was what people do and it was OK.
Talk about unmet expectations. I didn't expect a theological answer. An "i don't know what to say" or an "I'm sorry it is so tough" or even just a hug would have been OK.
Think I need to reassess and reevaluate. Maybe some time and space to protect myself is needed. Think I'll just build that wall back up.
I will grin and bear it and in future say "I am fine, thanks for asking" with a happy smile on my face. We can all go back to pretending all is well and that there is no grief, pain, heartbreak or doubt in the world.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Feeling stuck and blocked and crappy
I had my psych appointment yesterday. I didn't really want to go because I didn't really want to talk about anything, well, the miscarriage if I am honest. So I go with a plan to not say anything about it and our conversation goes like this:
Psych: "How are you?"
Me: "OK"
Psych: "So how is the pregnancy going?"
Oh well, so much for not discussing it! Probably as good a start as any to our conversation. I felt very teary and a lot of grief but I just can't cry in front of her. And I think that is why I am feeling stuck or blocked. It's like this barrier is there and I can't break through it and so I can't move anywhere. Too much energy goes into not crying. So I am stuck.
I am stuck not knowing what to do about my mother who just pushes all the wrong buttons and just can't or won't be a real mother to me, or not the mother I want. I feel a lot of anger when I think about her at the moment, anger that she sucked so much as a mum when I was growing up, anger that she didn't protect me, anger that she isn't the mother I want or need. But of course, it isn't OK to get angry at her so I just bottle it up. No wonder my neck and shoulders are like bricks from stress.
I am stuck about my brother and whether or not I want to have anything to do with him. I've talked to him a couple of times recently, to congratulate him on the birth of his daughter (which makes me feel physically sick every time I think of it), when he got our present for her and for his birthday. We don't normally talk that often, or maybe about 3-4 times a year, so it's been extra contact. Talking to him about breastfeeding, getting their daughter to sleep, colic and all of that feels so ikky and so wrong. I get flashbacks to his abuse and I can't stand it.
I just feel stuck in every part of my life. I want to be a stay at home mum, but can't even contemplate it until our house is built and this one sold and then we see how we are financially. I had made plans to take 12 months maternity leave again and then look to getting another 12 months leave without pay to give me a chance to experience being a stay at home mum but having the job security to go back to just in case. I found after DD, going back to work part time after 12 months helped with my depression because it gave me structure and routine; that's why I would like some job security in case being a stay at home mum doesn't work for me and my depression.
I feel stuck about trying to conceive. I know I need time to grieve this loss before we think about it again but I can't help but wonder when we will be able to afford to go back again. I should have had a bub by now. It should have been 6 months old. It's not fair. I know all these mums who are putting their 3-4 month olds in child care 2-3 days a week and going back to work and I want to smack them around their heads and say 'don't you realise how lucky you are? don't you realise how precious your child is? It deserves the best of you. You don't need the new car and the big tv but your child needs you'. I know it's wrong to feel like that but it just hurts me that they have what I so desperately long for and they don't seem to value it.
And I can't pray. I just cry when I try. It's because I believe that if God is omnipotent then He should have been able to intervene in one of these pregnancies and ensured that it continued to term. You hear stories of God miraculously intervening in all sorts of situations; surrounding missionaries with angels so that their attackers don't see a lone person but rather a crowd, rescuing people from near death and if you believe every story in the bible, He healed blind and lame people and lepers and even brought a couple of people back to life. If He has the power to do all of that, why didn't He protect me from the years of abuse as a child, why doesn't He cure my infertility seeing there is absolutely no reason for it anyway and why didn't He allow one of these embryos to develop into a healthy, normal full term baby? I believe He can do that. I want to know why He didn't. And it hurts. It hurts to feel abandoned by Him and wonder what I have done that He won't protect or help me.
I just feel stuck. I've felt stuck for a long time; my depression isn't getting any better. I guess after 2 years and 9 months it isn't post natal depression any more, it's just plain depression. I am just putting one foot in front of the other and plodding along.
But, I should also acknowledge some good and positive stuff. I was talking to the psych about how I went and spent some time with my crafting friends on Sunday and how wonderful and helpful some of you have been, like my lovely friend Heather who offered to take the place of my mother any time I need her to and Martina whose comforting presence on Sunday was just what I needed and such a soothing balm to my grieving heart. I have come a long, long way in the last 3-4 years in letting people in to my life, to share my journey, and letting you care for me. It still feels foreign and a bit uncomfortable at times because I am not used to being cared for, of allowing myself to feel cared for or loved, but it has made a lot of difference to me. You ladies are wonderful and I know how truly blessed I am to have found such trustworthy, loving, caring, generous friends. I am truly grateful to you all.
I have woken up this morning in quite a bit of pain again. I thought the worst of it was over after about 12 hours from taking the tablets on Wednesday. It was a horrendous 12 hours - like extreme period pain or even labour cramps - but then it was a lot better. But I have woken up this morning with really bad pain again and bleeding quite a bit so I am feeling bummed and sad and not really knowing what to do about it or myself just at the moment. DH is at work, finalising what needs to be done for the training he is delivering on Mon and Tuesday, I have taken pain killers that leave me woozy as and am trying to care for DD when all I want to do is sleep.
Psych: "How are you?"
Me: "OK"
Psych: "So how is the pregnancy going?"
Oh well, so much for not discussing it! Probably as good a start as any to our conversation. I felt very teary and a lot of grief but I just can't cry in front of her. And I think that is why I am feeling stuck or blocked. It's like this barrier is there and I can't break through it and so I can't move anywhere. Too much energy goes into not crying. So I am stuck.
I am stuck not knowing what to do about my mother who just pushes all the wrong buttons and just can't or won't be a real mother to me, or not the mother I want. I feel a lot of anger when I think about her at the moment, anger that she sucked so much as a mum when I was growing up, anger that she didn't protect me, anger that she isn't the mother I want or need. But of course, it isn't OK to get angry at her so I just bottle it up. No wonder my neck and shoulders are like bricks from stress.
I am stuck about my brother and whether or not I want to have anything to do with him. I've talked to him a couple of times recently, to congratulate him on the birth of his daughter (which makes me feel physically sick every time I think of it), when he got our present for her and for his birthday. We don't normally talk that often, or maybe about 3-4 times a year, so it's been extra contact. Talking to him about breastfeeding, getting their daughter to sleep, colic and all of that feels so ikky and so wrong. I get flashbacks to his abuse and I can't stand it.
I just feel stuck in every part of my life. I want to be a stay at home mum, but can't even contemplate it until our house is built and this one sold and then we see how we are financially. I had made plans to take 12 months maternity leave again and then look to getting another 12 months leave without pay to give me a chance to experience being a stay at home mum but having the job security to go back to just in case. I found after DD, going back to work part time after 12 months helped with my depression because it gave me structure and routine; that's why I would like some job security in case being a stay at home mum doesn't work for me and my depression.
I feel stuck about trying to conceive. I know I need time to grieve this loss before we think about it again but I can't help but wonder when we will be able to afford to go back again. I should have had a bub by now. It should have been 6 months old. It's not fair. I know all these mums who are putting their 3-4 month olds in child care 2-3 days a week and going back to work and I want to smack them around their heads and say 'don't you realise how lucky you are? don't you realise how precious your child is? It deserves the best of you. You don't need the new car and the big tv but your child needs you'. I know it's wrong to feel like that but it just hurts me that they have what I so desperately long for and they don't seem to value it.
And I can't pray. I just cry when I try. It's because I believe that if God is omnipotent then He should have been able to intervene in one of these pregnancies and ensured that it continued to term. You hear stories of God miraculously intervening in all sorts of situations; surrounding missionaries with angels so that their attackers don't see a lone person but rather a crowd, rescuing people from near death and if you believe every story in the bible, He healed blind and lame people and lepers and even brought a couple of people back to life. If He has the power to do all of that, why didn't He protect me from the years of abuse as a child, why doesn't He cure my infertility seeing there is absolutely no reason for it anyway and why didn't He allow one of these embryos to develop into a healthy, normal full term baby? I believe He can do that. I want to know why He didn't. And it hurts. It hurts to feel abandoned by Him and wonder what I have done that He won't protect or help me.
I just feel stuck. I've felt stuck for a long time; my depression isn't getting any better. I guess after 2 years and 9 months it isn't post natal depression any more, it's just plain depression. I am just putting one foot in front of the other and plodding along.
But, I should also acknowledge some good and positive stuff. I was talking to the psych about how I went and spent some time with my crafting friends on Sunday and how wonderful and helpful some of you have been, like my lovely friend Heather who offered to take the place of my mother any time I need her to and Martina whose comforting presence on Sunday was just what I needed and such a soothing balm to my grieving heart. I have come a long, long way in the last 3-4 years in letting people in to my life, to share my journey, and letting you care for me. It still feels foreign and a bit uncomfortable at times because I am not used to being cared for, of allowing myself to feel cared for or loved, but it has made a lot of difference to me. You ladies are wonderful and I know how truly blessed I am to have found such trustworthy, loving, caring, generous friends. I am truly grateful to you all.
I have woken up this morning in quite a bit of pain again. I thought the worst of it was over after about 12 hours from taking the tablets on Wednesday. It was a horrendous 12 hours - like extreme period pain or even labour cramps - but then it was a lot better. But I have woken up this morning with really bad pain again and bleeding quite a bit so I am feeling bummed and sad and not really knowing what to do about it or myself just at the moment. DH is at work, finalising what needs to be done for the training he is delivering on Mon and Tuesday, I have taken pain killers that leave me woozy as and am trying to care for DD when all I want to do is sleep.
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Not much to say
Well, I went to the clinic at the hospital this morning. I think it is SO WRONG that you have to go to the obstetrics clinic to book in and then you go to a different bit but it is the overflow of the antenatal clinic so I was surrounded by happily pregnant women, alone in my pain and grief, not that anyone knew that's how I was feeling. What do you say? I'm not happy for them. I am jealous. I wanted that to be me... big, fat, waddling, happy, joyous, expecting. They really need to rethink how they manage people who are miscarrying.
I opted for the tablets rather than the D&C. I could have had it tomorrow but I would have just had to wait around the hospital until they had space on the operating list for me and I didn't really feel like that. I'd have had to fast from tonight in case I got seen first up, but I may not have been seen until late tomorrow so that wasn't appealling. Given that we already have unexplained infertility issues, I decided not to go with surgery which has a small chance of causing more. So, I took the tablets. First lot taken half an hour ago. I have to take a second lot in 4 hours. They will make the miscarriage happen soon.... with pain and heavy bleeding. Oh joy. Life truly sucks sometimes but at least it will be done.
I had a dream last night that my pscych was pregnant. That would be all I need. I see her Friday for the first time in 5 or 6 weeks. Not sure I want to go. Don't know what to say.
I opted for the tablets rather than the D&C. I could have had it tomorrow but I would have just had to wait around the hospital until they had space on the operating list for me and I didn't really feel like that. I'd have had to fast from tonight in case I got seen first up, but I may not have been seen until late tomorrow so that wasn't appealling. Given that we already have unexplained infertility issues, I decided not to go with surgery which has a small chance of causing more. So, I took the tablets. First lot taken half an hour ago. I have to take a second lot in 4 hours. They will make the miscarriage happen soon.... with pain and heavy bleeding. Oh joy. Life truly sucks sometimes but at least it will be done.
I had a dream last night that my pscych was pregnant. That would be all I need. I see her Friday for the first time in 5 or 6 weeks. Not sure I want to go. Don't know what to say.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Death by a thousand cuts
How much more am I meant to take?
You'll get over it
You'll have another baby
You just need to relax and it will happen
It'll be OK
Give it time
At least you have one child
It wasn't meant to be
Something wasn't right
It's nature's way
There is nothing, no words, no actions, nothing that can or will help..... except time and it is stretching out before me in a big black pit of quicksand just waiting to swallow me up, one slow, painful step at a time.
I didn't realise I had made so many plans for this baby. I thought I was staying detached, disconnected, but it turns out without realising it, I had made a whole bunch of plans in my head and now I have to grieve them as well as this child that wasn't to be... yet another child that wasn't meant to be.
I loved being pregnant. I welcomed and embraced the morning sickness, the tingling breasts, the bloated stomach and the extreme tiredness. I loved being pregnant because it meant my long hoped for second child was on its way. My dreams of a larger family were going to be fulfilled. I felt so much joy.
I also loved being pregnant because of the buffer it placed around my wounded, bruised and broken heart. It gave me a buffer against the "we weren't trying to get pregnant" and the "the baby wasn't part of our plans". It gave me a buffer against the 10 babies that have arrived this year and counting, at a time when I should have had mine. It gave me a buffer against the pain that never goes away. And now that buffer is gone. All that is left is a great big gaping hole full of grief, longing and despair, with a pain that will never leave, an ache that can never be soothed and a longing that will never be fulfilled.
don't wish
don't hope
don't yearn
don't plan
don't long
don't expect
don't want
don't believe
don't desire
don't trust
don't imagine
don't seek
just don't
there is nothing to be gained.
The world seems a very dark place right now.
For those who want details, my hcg levels are still very high hence the still "enjoying" morning sickness. I have an appointment at the hospital's early pregnancy clinic tomorrow to talk about my options of waiting for it to happen naturally, tablets or a D&C. That's all I know for now.
As for ivf, they will need to check my bloods to make sure my hcg levels fall to below 5 and then we can start again after my next period, if I am emotionally ready. Who knows what we will decide to do.
You'll get over it
You'll have another baby
You just need to relax and it will happen
It'll be OK
Give it time
At least you have one child
It wasn't meant to be
Something wasn't right
It's nature's way
There is nothing, no words, no actions, nothing that can or will help..... except time and it is stretching out before me in a big black pit of quicksand just waiting to swallow me up, one slow, painful step at a time.
I didn't realise I had made so many plans for this baby. I thought I was staying detached, disconnected, but it turns out without realising it, I had made a whole bunch of plans in my head and now I have to grieve them as well as this child that wasn't to be... yet another child that wasn't meant to be.
I loved being pregnant. I welcomed and embraced the morning sickness, the tingling breasts, the bloated stomach and the extreme tiredness. I loved being pregnant because it meant my long hoped for second child was on its way. My dreams of a larger family were going to be fulfilled. I felt so much joy.
I also loved being pregnant because of the buffer it placed around my wounded, bruised and broken heart. It gave me a buffer against the "we weren't trying to get pregnant" and the "the baby wasn't part of our plans". It gave me a buffer against the 10 babies that have arrived this year and counting, at a time when I should have had mine. It gave me a buffer against the pain that never goes away. And now that buffer is gone. All that is left is a great big gaping hole full of grief, longing and despair, with a pain that will never leave, an ache that can never be soothed and a longing that will never be fulfilled.
don't wish
don't hope
don't yearn
don't plan
don't long
don't expect
don't want
don't believe
don't desire
don't trust
don't imagine
don't seek
just don't
there is nothing to be gained.
The world seems a very dark place right now.
For those who want details, my hcg levels are still very high hence the still "enjoying" morning sickness. I have an appointment at the hospital's early pregnancy clinic tomorrow to talk about my options of waiting for it to happen naturally, tablets or a D&C. That's all I know for now.
As for ivf, they will need to check my bloods to make sure my hcg levels fall to below 5 and then we can start again after my next period, if I am emotionally ready. Who knows what we will decide to do.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
A big black hole
A big black hole is....
what I saw at my 8 week ultrasound
what I fell into the past couple of days
I had my eyes closed for the start of the ultrasound as I really didn't want to hear "I'm sorry" like last time, but as the sonographer moved the probe around on my tummy I opened my eyes to see a big black hole in the midst of the speckled grey. It was an empty gestational sac.
Consequently I fell into a big black hole of depression, despair, hopelessness. It isn't a good place to be. I pulled myself part way out of it today to spend some time with some lovely friends but I am back in that pit, exhausted, spent, done. Feeling so cheated because of all the symptoms, especially the morning sickness which is still present. I feel so incredibly sad and so much grief at the lost hope, lost plans, lost opportunity, lost future. I am devastated that it happened again, in the same way. Mostly though I feel despair at the thought of never having another child. There are no words for that.
I am waiting for tomorrow to come so I can go see my doctor and find out what my options are as I haven't' started to miscarry yet. If last time is anything to go by it didn't happen until 11 weeks. I am not waiting that long.
I just need this over.
what I saw at my 8 week ultrasound
what I fell into the past couple of days
I had my eyes closed for the start of the ultrasound as I really didn't want to hear "I'm sorry" like last time, but as the sonographer moved the probe around on my tummy I opened my eyes to see a big black hole in the midst of the speckled grey. It was an empty gestational sac.
Consequently I fell into a big black hole of depression, despair, hopelessness. It isn't a good place to be. I pulled myself part way out of it today to spend some time with some lovely friends but I am back in that pit, exhausted, spent, done. Feeling so cheated because of all the symptoms, especially the morning sickness which is still present. I feel so incredibly sad and so much grief at the lost hope, lost plans, lost opportunity, lost future. I am devastated that it happened again, in the same way. Mostly though I feel despair at the thought of never having another child. There are no words for that.
I am waiting for tomorrow to come so I can go see my doctor and find out what my options are as I haven't' started to miscarry yet. If last time is anything to go by it didn't happen until 11 weeks. I am not waiting that long.
I just need this over.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
I can't believe it's not Friday!!!
Could this week go any slower? Damn! Ain't got nothing else to say.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
I can't believe tomorrow isn't Friday!
Will Friday never come?!?!?!?! This is killing me! I took DD to the gp today. She ended up on antibiotics. Because I have pretty much the same thing but have had it a couple of days longer, I asked if I should be on them too. That led to a conversation about the fact I am pregnant and congratulations. I just wanted to yell "don't congratulate me. We don't know if it's happening for real or not yet" I am sooooo antsy.
I will have to think up something interesting to do tomorrow with DD so my day goes quickly.
2 sleeps...... shit this is killing me!
I will have to think up something interesting to do tomorrow with DD so my day goes quickly.
2 sleeps...... shit this is killing me!
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
2 and a half days..... longest freaking week ever!!!!
It's 2 1/2 days until my lunch time ultrasound on Friday and it feels like it will never come! It doesn't help that I am sick as with a head cold that moved to my chest... breathing is one of those things you need to do repeatedly and it's better if you aren't struggling for it. I have some cough syrup that I got from the chemist after a long chat about what is safe for early pregnancy and it does help but it makes me a bit spacey and very tired. At least it stops the coughing and coughing and coughing until I gag or spew.
My in-laws are wonderful. I didn't go to work today and yet they stayed and looked after DD until DH finished work so I could rest. I was awake at 4am. My coughing woke me and then I couldn't stop. I went back to bed at 7am and slept until 11:30am so it was bliss. I am still tired and my stomach hurts so much from what I am assuming is the coughing.
Tick.... tick..... tick.....the good thing about time is, no matter how slow it feels, it does still move at the same pace. I just need to stay busy which is hard when you feel like crap.
My in-laws are wonderful. I didn't go to work today and yet they stayed and looked after DD until DH finished work so I could rest. I was awake at 4am. My coughing woke me and then I couldn't stop. I went back to bed at 7am and slept until 11:30am so it was bliss. I am still tired and my stomach hurts so much from what I am assuming is the coughing.
Tick.... tick..... tick.....the good thing about time is, no matter how slow it feels, it does still move at the same pace. I just need to stay busy which is hard when you feel like crap.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Count down is on.... until 8 week ultrasound on Friday
I am hanging in there, barely, as I wait for my 8 week scan on Friday. It has been a rough couple of days given that my baby stopped growing at 7 weeks last year (even though I didn't know it until my miscarraige at 11 weeks). So of course, this time when I hit the 7 week mark I can't help but be worried and to top it off I have had a rotten cold. My stomach is killing me from all of the coughing. Well, I'm assuming it's from the coughing and not something worse.
Last year I had just started a gym program, with the guy knowing I was 7 weeks pregnant so designing an easy, pregnancy safe, program for me. I know it's probably illogical or irrational but I haven't been able to do any exercise so far this pregnancy as I am scared it will cause another miscarriage, not that there is anything to say that is what happened last time. Ah, irrational fears! But I have made an appointment with my gp for next week so that once I have my ultrasound on Friday and see all is well, I will talk to her about who I can go and see to get a good, solid, pregnancy friendly exercise program for strengthening my core without causing harm.
One of the good things about ivf is that it puts you over the Medicare Safety Net threshold so I now get 80% or 85% of my costs back. So currently my psych is now costing me $8.40 instead of $42.50 (up front cost is $160 but I get it straight back). I am hoping my gp can refer me to a physio who uses Medicare so that it won't cost me much at all.
I am still trying not to hope and trying not to symptom watch but it is so hard not to do either of those things. I am so grateful for my either 24/7 or sporadic bouts of nausea. This morning I noticed my veins are much more prominent so of course that brought a little more hope to me. I'm not sure if my extreme tiredness is pregnancy related or cold related; probably a bit of both. With DD I had 3 bouts of very minor nausea and that was it, but was absolutely, completely, utterly exhausted. This time the exhaustion isn't quite so extreme but the nausea is much more present.
Well, as a final thought cos really I am just rambling for me as I do want to journal this pregnancy, I heard these lyrics in a song on the way to work and I really liked them -
"You see the depths of my heart
and You love me the same
You are amazing God".
When I think of all the doubts, distrust, fears etc that are hidden deep inside, I am amazed that God loves me just the same. What an awesome and comforting thought.
Bring on Friday!!!!
Last year I had just started a gym program, with the guy knowing I was 7 weeks pregnant so designing an easy, pregnancy safe, program for me. I know it's probably illogical or irrational but I haven't been able to do any exercise so far this pregnancy as I am scared it will cause another miscarriage, not that there is anything to say that is what happened last time. Ah, irrational fears! But I have made an appointment with my gp for next week so that once I have my ultrasound on Friday and see all is well, I will talk to her about who I can go and see to get a good, solid, pregnancy friendly exercise program for strengthening my core without causing harm.
One of the good things about ivf is that it puts you over the Medicare Safety Net threshold so I now get 80% or 85% of my costs back. So currently my psych is now costing me $8.40 instead of $42.50 (up front cost is $160 but I get it straight back). I am hoping my gp can refer me to a physio who uses Medicare so that it won't cost me much at all.
I am still trying not to hope and trying not to symptom watch but it is so hard not to do either of those things. I am so grateful for my either 24/7 or sporadic bouts of nausea. This morning I noticed my veins are much more prominent so of course that brought a little more hope to me. I'm not sure if my extreme tiredness is pregnancy related or cold related; probably a bit of both. With DD I had 3 bouts of very minor nausea and that was it, but was absolutely, completely, utterly exhausted. This time the exhaustion isn't quite so extreme but the nausea is much more present.
Well, as a final thought cos really I am just rambling for me as I do want to journal this pregnancy, I heard these lyrics in a song on the way to work and I really liked them -
"You see the depths of my heart
and You love me the same
You are amazing God".
When I think of all the doubts, distrust, fears etc that are hidden deep inside, I am amazed that God loves me just the same. What an awesome and comforting thought.
Bring on Friday!!!!
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Embracing my nausea
I really wanted to journal this pregnancy as I didn't with DDs and I am disappointed I don't have that. But at the time I was so concerned about something going wrong. I find, at the moment, I really can't journal this one either, just in case something goes wrong. I am hoping that will change after my 8 week ultrasound at the end of next week. Then, if everything is OK, I would like to do a weekly update of this pregnancy so I have a record of it - the joys, the pains, the weight gain (maybe....), all the little milestones.
Fortunately there will be no trips to emergency for undiagnosed chest pains (until my wonderful gp discovered gall stones), no regular midnight - 1am wake ups in excruciating agony from a gall stone attack, complete with vomiting from the pain, and no fear I might have to have emergency surgery no matter how far along, or not, I was because of the gall stones, all because my gall bladder came out after I gave birth. I can't say I will miss those horrible three months this time around.
For now I will say, I am trying to happily embrace my almost constant nausea. It's not too bad, except for the occasional little spew in my mouth, which is so gross, I know, but feeling a constant need to spew really isn't great. Yet I am taking it as a positive and wonderful thing along with the strange, niggling, random pains in my stomach, the tender (.)(.) and the need to pee a hundred times a day. These are all beautiful things and I am happy with them all because I am assuming it means all is going well.
Fortunately there will be no trips to emergency for undiagnosed chest pains (until my wonderful gp discovered gall stones), no regular midnight - 1am wake ups in excruciating agony from a gall stone attack, complete with vomiting from the pain, and no fear I might have to have emergency surgery no matter how far along, or not, I was because of the gall stones, all because my gall bladder came out after I gave birth. I can't say I will miss those horrible three months this time around.
For now I will say, I am trying to happily embrace my almost constant nausea. It's not too bad, except for the occasional little spew in my mouth, which is so gross, I know, but feeling a constant need to spew really isn't great. Yet I am taking it as a positive and wonderful thing along with the strange, niggling, random pains in my stomach, the tender (.)(.) and the need to pee a hundred times a day. These are all beautiful things and I am happy with them all because I am assuming it means all is going well.
Monday, July 5, 2010
Why am I always waiting for Friday to come???
After embryo transfer I had to wait until the following week's Friday for my blood test to find out if I was pregnant. Today I booked in for my 8 week ultrasound and again I am waiting for next week's Friday to arrive so I can have my scan and find out if all is OK with this bub and this pregnancy. I thought Friday's never came when i was working full time, this waiting for Fridays to find out if I am pregnant and if it is all going OK is sooooo much worse!
I spoke to DH about this feeling of disconnection from this pregnancy and was surprised to hear he is feeling the same, although I suppose in reality it isn't surprising he feels the same. I think I will start to feel much better after the 8 week scan and better again after the 12 week one when I know all is on track and all is going as it should be.
This inability to commit or connect with my pregnancy has me thinking about how much harder it must be for those who have carried their bubbas longer or even to term, only to lose them. I can't imagine how hard it would be to go through another pregnancy after that. I don't know if, or when, you would feel connected to your new child. And it grieves me to know that people go through that. I know too many people who have experienced that; both the loss of a bub or bubbas after 20 weeks and also the loss of their baby at or closely following birth. It is tragic and heart breaking. I hate that I know so many, not because I hate knowing them but because I hate how common it actually is. It is too unfair.
Of course my thoughts are on things like that right now as I wait to find out if this pregnancy is a "sticky one". I so hope it is and I kinda know it is because I am sure God has told me all will be well, but I can't help but wonder if I misheard or if I was hearing my wishes, not His voice, on this. I want to trust but I don't know how to. There will be much rejoicing and praising God when this bubba arrives safe and sound.
I spoke to DH about this feeling of disconnection from this pregnancy and was surprised to hear he is feeling the same, although I suppose in reality it isn't surprising he feels the same. I think I will start to feel much better after the 8 week scan and better again after the 12 week one when I know all is on track and all is going as it should be.
This inability to commit or connect with my pregnancy has me thinking about how much harder it must be for those who have carried their bubbas longer or even to term, only to lose them. I can't imagine how hard it would be to go through another pregnancy after that. I don't know if, or when, you would feel connected to your new child. And it grieves me to know that people go through that. I know too many people who have experienced that; both the loss of a bub or bubbas after 20 weeks and also the loss of their baby at or closely following birth. It is tragic and heart breaking. I hate that I know so many, not because I hate knowing them but because I hate how common it actually is. It is too unfair.
Of course my thoughts are on things like that right now as I wait to find out if this pregnancy is a "sticky one". I so hope it is and I kinda know it is because I am sure God has told me all will be well, but I can't help but wonder if I misheard or if I was hearing my wishes, not His voice, on this. I want to trust but I don't know how to. There will be much rejoicing and praising God when this bubba arrives safe and sound.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Stresshead alert!!!
OK, so my calm and detachment has completely left me and I am in panic mode.
This post will have way too much info to share really, but I need to write.
On Saturday when I went to the loo, when I wiped there was a bit of yellowy tinged mucous. I know mucous, and even a slight yellowy tinge, is, or can be, normal in a pregnancy. I texted a friend who is a gp and she told me not to worry (thanks :) )There was just the one incident and nothing more so all was good.
This morning when I went to the loo when I wiped there was some more mucous and it had a yellowy-orangish tinge which made me think a little of old blood possibly. So now I am in panic mode that I will lose this pregnancy too.
I talk to some ladies on a forum who have bubs due in Feb next year, just like me, and a couple of them have had one or more miscarriages. They are all worried about the possibility of another miscarriage too and we are all, even though we try so hard not to, noticing all sorts of little things and wondering "is this it?"
It is so hard not to worry, not to be anxious, not to watch for every little thing, good or bad and see them as signs that all is well or that maybe things aren't good. I hate it. I hate this constant state of alert and anxiety. I was doing so well but not any more. I am so stressed my shoulders are so tight they are just aching and I can't figure out how to relax them.
It is so hard not to be fearful after one loss and because mine happened late, at 11 weeks, I had got the point of telling people because we were so close to the 'safe zone'. It will be AGES until I get to my 8 week scan and get to see a heart beat.
I am so terrified of hearing "I'm sorry", just like last time. I thought I would be OK until the few days leading up to the ultrasound but instead, all of the fear and sadness is coming back now as I worry about this pregnancy.
This post will have way too much info to share really, but I need to write.
On Saturday when I went to the loo, when I wiped there was a bit of yellowy tinged mucous. I know mucous, and even a slight yellowy tinge, is, or can be, normal in a pregnancy. I texted a friend who is a gp and she told me not to worry (thanks :) )There was just the one incident and nothing more so all was good.
This morning when I went to the loo when I wiped there was some more mucous and it had a yellowy-orangish tinge which made me think a little of old blood possibly. So now I am in panic mode that I will lose this pregnancy too.
I talk to some ladies on a forum who have bubs due in Feb next year, just like me, and a couple of them have had one or more miscarriages. They are all worried about the possibility of another miscarriage too and we are all, even though we try so hard not to, noticing all sorts of little things and wondering "is this it?"
It is so hard not to worry, not to be anxious, not to watch for every little thing, good or bad and see them as signs that all is well or that maybe things aren't good. I hate it. I hate this constant state of alert and anxiety. I was doing so well but not any more. I am so stressed my shoulders are so tight they are just aching and I can't figure out how to relax them.
It is so hard not to be fearful after one loss and because mine happened late, at 11 weeks, I had got the point of telling people because we were so close to the 'safe zone'. It will be AGES until I get to my 8 week scan and get to see a heart beat.
I am so terrified of hearing "I'm sorry", just like last time. I thought I would be OK until the few days leading up to the ultrasound but instead, all of the fear and sadness is coming back now as I worry about this pregnancy.
Friday, June 25, 2010
The unrealism of it all
I thought I would write this mostly so I will remember to talk to the psych about it, as it is bothering me a bit.
I have this sense of almost being floating out of my body and just watching the process as far as my pregnancy is concerned. It is hard to explain and I think it comes from a couple of things.
One day while I was in the dreaded, horrible two week wait I opened my Bible to Psalm 63. My Bible is one of those women's ones that has regular devotionals in it. On the page opposite Psalm 63 it had a devotional titled "Why don't women have pouches". I had a quick glance at it, realised it was about babies and wasn't going to read it as I was so stressed and anxious and worried this embryo transfer would fail. But after reading Psalm 63 I decided to read it. It was talking about how we as humans have a need to control things and our inability to control something causes fear and then we feel a need to meddle. The author of the study was writing about how one lady had said to her "I just wish we had pouches like kangaroos so I could watch my baby grow and know it was OK". The author went on to say that the creation of a human is God's work and God's work alone. (I will look up and write out the couple of sentences that really stood out to me later).
I came back to that study a couple more times in the following days and even since getting my positive pregnancy result. Those words, above, are words of complete reassurance to me. Since reading that I have had a very real sense of God working to knit together this precious miracle in my womb. I have been feeling calm because I know it is God's work and His alone and there is nothing I can do to assist it. But I have also had this real sense of being outside of my body and watching this process. I don't know if it comes from this sense of peace and trust in God or something else.
The something else that I am wondering about is whether it is a protection mechanism. Because I am fearful about the possibility of another miscarriage, I am wondering if the distance, or disconnection, I am feeling between myself and my pregnancy may be a way to protect myself from the grief if this pregnancy doesn't stick.
But I don't know and I am finding it a bit disconcerting, or worrying, this feeling of floating outside of myself and just observing.
Perhaps it is just because it has been one hell of a week work wise and I am exhausted so nothing feels right or real.
I have had to cancel my next psych appointment and I don't yet know if I can reschedule or if I will have to wait a month. Hopefully reschedule so I can talk to her about this.
I have this sense of almost being floating out of my body and just watching the process as far as my pregnancy is concerned. It is hard to explain and I think it comes from a couple of things.
One day while I was in the dreaded, horrible two week wait I opened my Bible to Psalm 63. My Bible is one of those women's ones that has regular devotionals in it. On the page opposite Psalm 63 it had a devotional titled "Why don't women have pouches". I had a quick glance at it, realised it was about babies and wasn't going to read it as I was so stressed and anxious and worried this embryo transfer would fail. But after reading Psalm 63 I decided to read it. It was talking about how we as humans have a need to control things and our inability to control something causes fear and then we feel a need to meddle. The author of the study was writing about how one lady had said to her "I just wish we had pouches like kangaroos so I could watch my baby grow and know it was OK". The author went on to say that the creation of a human is God's work and God's work alone. (I will look up and write out the couple of sentences that really stood out to me later).
I came back to that study a couple more times in the following days and even since getting my positive pregnancy result. Those words, above, are words of complete reassurance to me. Since reading that I have had a very real sense of God working to knit together this precious miracle in my womb. I have been feeling calm because I know it is God's work and His alone and there is nothing I can do to assist it. But I have also had this real sense of being outside of my body and watching this process. I don't know if it comes from this sense of peace and trust in God or something else.
The something else that I am wondering about is whether it is a protection mechanism. Because I am fearful about the possibility of another miscarriage, I am wondering if the distance, or disconnection, I am feeling between myself and my pregnancy may be a way to protect myself from the grief if this pregnancy doesn't stick.
But I don't know and I am finding it a bit disconcerting, or worrying, this feeling of floating outside of myself and just observing.
Perhaps it is just because it has been one hell of a week work wise and I am exhausted so nothing feels right or real.
I have had to cancel my next psych appointment and I don't yet know if I can reschedule or if I will have to wait a month. Hopefully reschedule so I can talk to her about this.
Monday, June 21, 2010
Tiredness and counselling
Never before have I been so happy to feel so tired. I was extremely tired in the first trimester of DD's pregnancy, to the point where I would get home from work and fall asleep before tea was even cooked. I have been feeling fairly tired the last 2 days and today, it's not 3:45pm and I am done in. So, I am very happy to be feeling this way. But oh I wish I could go home and sleep.... sleep.... ahhh bliss; to snuggle up in a warm, cozy bed in a little nest of blankets and freshly washed sheets.
As for counselling, we talked quite a bit about my mother. The psych thinks that I have never grieved for the mother I wanted but didn't have and mentioned that I need to do that, and then accept the mother I do have. I know I have felt sad about not having a mother some times, like all the times I want to tell her something and want her to be my mother and then remember she can't be and won't be, so I can't tell her anything. But I think the psych is right. I don't think I have ever truly grieved for my mother. And I certainly have never gotten angry at her or with her. Frustrated yes but truly angry, no. I always seem to find a reason why I shouldn't be angry or why it is my fault because "we don't do things like that". The conditioning of my emotions from my childhood is amazing. I found it really bizarre talking to the psych and when she asked me why I hadn't been angry at mum ever I said "because it's not appropriate or acceptable and we don't do things like that". It was like I was speaking something I had heard so many times before and yet I don't remember ever being told that. It was just an implied rule I think. So I don't know how to go about grieving for my mum. It's not like she is truly gone and there is a grave I can stand at and see the finality.
Finality was something else the psych mentioned - by grieving for my mum I am accepting the finality of what I expected (or hoped or wanted) my relationship with mum to be like. If I grieve for her then I am accepting the finality of that, and I can't do that because there is still that wounded inner child holding on to hope. Hope that mum will truly be my mum and that she will love me and nurture me as I need and want, both now as an adult and also as a child. So hope won't let go and it won't let me grieve because if there is finality then there is no hope.
I don't even know how to begin that process. I think I will need some time to think and process all of this. I got the impression from the psych that because my emotions are so dissociated from my body, it may well take a while. The psych asked me what happens in my body when I feel a 'negative' emotion and all I could give her was the thoughts that accompany the emotion "it is weak to feel sad", "there's no reason to feel sad" "get over it" etc... I honestly couldn't tell her what a feeling felt like in my body (eg, butterflies in my stomach, tingling, warm all over... whatever feelings go with emotions). I couldn't even do it with positive emotions I am that disconnected. Hmmmm... scary to realise how disconnected I am. So now I am left wondering how others experience emotions and also, I am meant to be observing my body, feeling the feelings in a detached way (eg, "oh, I feel warm or my heart is racing or whatever). Who knew I had so much to learn and just what an emotional cripple I am lol!
ps, did I mention I am pregnant??????
As for counselling, we talked quite a bit about my mother. The psych thinks that I have never grieved for the mother I wanted but didn't have and mentioned that I need to do that, and then accept the mother I do have. I know I have felt sad about not having a mother some times, like all the times I want to tell her something and want her to be my mother and then remember she can't be and won't be, so I can't tell her anything. But I think the psych is right. I don't think I have ever truly grieved for my mother. And I certainly have never gotten angry at her or with her. Frustrated yes but truly angry, no. I always seem to find a reason why I shouldn't be angry or why it is my fault because "we don't do things like that". The conditioning of my emotions from my childhood is amazing. I found it really bizarre talking to the psych and when she asked me why I hadn't been angry at mum ever I said "because it's not appropriate or acceptable and we don't do things like that". It was like I was speaking something I had heard so many times before and yet I don't remember ever being told that. It was just an implied rule I think. So I don't know how to go about grieving for my mum. It's not like she is truly gone and there is a grave I can stand at and see the finality.
Finality was something else the psych mentioned - by grieving for my mum I am accepting the finality of what I expected (or hoped or wanted) my relationship with mum to be like. If I grieve for her then I am accepting the finality of that, and I can't do that because there is still that wounded inner child holding on to hope. Hope that mum will truly be my mum and that she will love me and nurture me as I need and want, both now as an adult and also as a child. So hope won't let go and it won't let me grieve because if there is finality then there is no hope.
I don't even know how to begin that process. I think I will need some time to think and process all of this. I got the impression from the psych that because my emotions are so dissociated from my body, it may well take a while. The psych asked me what happens in my body when I feel a 'negative' emotion and all I could give her was the thoughts that accompany the emotion "it is weak to feel sad", "there's no reason to feel sad" "get over it" etc... I honestly couldn't tell her what a feeling felt like in my body (eg, butterflies in my stomach, tingling, warm all over... whatever feelings go with emotions). I couldn't even do it with positive emotions I am that disconnected. Hmmmm... scary to realise how disconnected I am. So now I am left wondering how others experience emotions and also, I am meant to be observing my body, feeling the feelings in a detached way (eg, "oh, I feel warm or my heart is racing or whatever). Who knew I had so much to learn and just what an emotional cripple I am lol!
ps, did I mention I am pregnant??????
Gotta love irony
A bit over a week ago Catch of the Day had a $10 sale day and there were a couple of things I wanted to buy. As they also had a capped $10 shipping deal, I decided to buy their 96 tampons for $9.95 they had on offer. It was a good deal and something that I need.....
Well, they turned up in the mail on Friday; the same day I got by Big Fat Positive blood test result to say I AM PREGNANT!!! Yay!!! Oh yay!!!! Oh yay!!!!
I haven't written about it until today because I didn't really believe it, I think. I had tried so hard not to hope, not to expect a positive result, not to allow myself to even begin to imagine it would be positive, that it has taken a few days, and no sign of my period, to truly believe it is real.
So it would seem that God answered many prayers. He answered my prayer that the FET only go ahead if it was going to be successful and then He answered the countless number of prayers I and some of my friends prayed that I would be pregnant.
And I am feeling peaceful about it. I thought I would be hugely stressed because I was with DD and then, after having a miscarriage last year, I thought I would be really anxious. Instead I feel calm. Not entirely calm, as I do have moments of stress and worry, but much calmer than I ever expected to feel. I am looking forward to an ultrasound in a month so that I can see a heart beat. I think then I will truly believe and know all is well. Until then, I hope I manage to stay calm and relaxed, trusting God and my body.
Thank you to all of my friends who supported me through such a stressful journey, especially the 9 day wait (it's not really a two week wait when you have a blastocyst transferred). I couldn't have coped without your support and friendship.
Well, they turned up in the mail on Friday; the same day I got by Big Fat Positive blood test result to say I AM PREGNANT!!! Yay!!! Oh yay!!!! Oh yay!!!!
I haven't written about it until today because I didn't really believe it, I think. I had tried so hard not to hope, not to expect a positive result, not to allow myself to even begin to imagine it would be positive, that it has taken a few days, and no sign of my period, to truly believe it is real.
So it would seem that God answered many prayers. He answered my prayer that the FET only go ahead if it was going to be successful and then He answered the countless number of prayers I and some of my friends prayed that I would be pregnant.
And I am feeling peaceful about it. I thought I would be hugely stressed because I was with DD and then, after having a miscarriage last year, I thought I would be really anxious. Instead I feel calm. Not entirely calm, as I do have moments of stress and worry, but much calmer than I ever expected to feel. I am looking forward to an ultrasound in a month so that I can see a heart beat. I think then I will truly believe and know all is well. Until then, I hope I manage to stay calm and relaxed, trusting God and my body.
Thank you to all of my friends who supported me through such a stressful journey, especially the 9 day wait (it's not really a two week wait when you have a blastocyst transferred). I couldn't have coped without your support and friendship.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
It ain't over 'til the fat lady sings.. or BT results tomorrow
I have decided I am not giving up hope just yet. I did test on 12 days post ovulation and it was an incredibly diluted sample after drinking lots and lots of fluid at work all day.. TMI I'm sure but it was clear as water so any hcg in it would have been miniscule... or so I am telling myself.
So I am still praying, trusting and hoping. I decided not to repeat it this morning but rather wait until my blood test. I have one more day of hope.
So I am still praying, trusting and hoping. I decided not to repeat it this morning but rather wait until my blood test. I have one more day of hope.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
I am so dumb.. or impatient
I caved and bought a pregnancy test kit from the shop. It even says "test on first day of missed period" which would be Saturday, but NO, I test tonight cos I just "need to know"
Of course it shows I am not pregnant.
I am annoyed at myself and my need to know cos now I am feeling down when perhaps there is no need to. Or maybe my flights of hope and fantasy and "what ifs" are just back in reality of "what if I'm not".
Not really sure what I think. I am not telling DH cos he thinks I am dumb as I am having a blood test on Friday. SO now I will be miserable without showing it.
Of course it shows I am not pregnant.
I am annoyed at myself and my need to know cos now I am feeling down when perhaps there is no need to. Or maybe my flights of hope and fantasy and "what ifs" are just back in reality of "what if I'm not".
Not really sure what I think. I am not telling DH cos he thinks I am dumb as I am having a blood test on Friday. SO now I will be miserable without showing it.
Feeling Calmer Today
Well, I guess I got my complete and utter panic out of my system yesterday as I am feeling calmer today. Thank you to my wonderful friends Heather, Martina and Niki for your calming and reassuring words and support. I am truly blessed to have such wise and compassionate women in my life.
I changed my background to my blog because I decided not to stay down in the dumps and I figured one of the keys to that was lots and lots of colour. I liked this design the best so voila!
I have been praying and praying that this will be a successful pregnancy and I have been asking God to tell me if it is or not (cos I am too impatient to wait 2 more days lol!). I keep hearing a 'yes' but I don't know if that is God or my desire and hope. I think my own wishes are drowning out His voice. So then, I get myself in a state thinking maybe He is saying 'yes' and because I am doubting it is Him, this pregnancy won't go ahead. How screwed up is my thinking???? I want to trust but I am scared to get my hopes up. Argh! I think I need some time out from my own head and thoughts....
ps... in case you haven't figured it out by now, I am a bit of a nut! :)
I changed my background to my blog because I decided not to stay down in the dumps and I figured one of the keys to that was lots and lots of colour. I liked this design the best so voila!
I have been praying and praying that this will be a successful pregnancy and I have been asking God to tell me if it is or not (cos I am too impatient to wait 2 more days lol!). I keep hearing a 'yes' but I don't know if that is God or my desire and hope. I think my own wishes are drowning out His voice. So then, I get myself in a state thinking maybe He is saying 'yes' and because I am doubting it is Him, this pregnancy won't go ahead. How screwed up is my thinking???? I want to trust but I am scared to get my hopes up. Argh! I think I need some time out from my own head and thoughts....
ps... in case you haven't figured it out by now, I am a bit of a nut! :)
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
On the downhill run
Well it's only a couple of days until I know for sure one way or the other. I can't wait. I am too anxious. I need to know. I've thought about buying a pregnancy test kit but I am guessing maybe it is still too soon to get a positive result... better to at least wait until Thursday.
I am not feeling too hopeful as I have been having niggling little pains in my lower right hand side, but then, I never get them in the lead up to my period normally, but then, I never normally have an embryo on board. I don't know what to make of them and I am scared and worried they mean this cycle has failed.
But I have prayed and prayed and prayed and so I want to trust the God has heard and answered my prayer. Guess I will know on Friday. Oh it can't come soon enough for me! What a long day that will be between blood test and results. I am thinking maybe I should POAS (pee on a stick) on Thursday or Friday so I am prepared for the blood test result. Given that we aren't using any medication to support this FET it would give me an accurate result... oh, dilemma, dilemma.
The days can't go fast enough for me. Here I am at work, needing to concentrate and do work, and my brain is all over the place. Argh! Hurry up Friday!!!!
I am not feeling too hopeful as I have been having niggling little pains in my lower right hand side, but then, I never get them in the lead up to my period normally, but then, I never normally have an embryo on board. I don't know what to make of them and I am scared and worried they mean this cycle has failed.
But I have prayed and prayed and prayed and so I want to trust the God has heard and answered my prayer. Guess I will know on Friday. Oh it can't come soon enough for me! What a long day that will be between blood test and results. I am thinking maybe I should POAS (pee on a stick) on Thursday or Friday so I am prepared for the blood test result. Given that we aren't using any medication to support this FET it would give me an accurate result... oh, dilemma, dilemma.
The days can't go fast enough for me. Here I am at work, needing to concentrate and do work, and my brain is all over the place. Argh! Hurry up Friday!!!!
Monday, June 14, 2010
Back in the land of "this sucks"
So I've gone from hopeful to depressed to OK to feeling depressed today. A lot of it is to do with the anxiety of not knowing if I am pregnant or not and just NEEDING to know.
The rest of it is just, since going to counselling this time, I've realised just how much my lack of attachment to mum, all of her emotional abuse and manipulation and her inability to want or try to protect me from my brother has affected me here and now, and throughout my life. I didn't realise quite how far reaching it has been but I am beginning to understand a lot of who I am and why I think and act the way I do and so much of it is because of my mother.
Last night I had a horrible thought. I was praying and I prayed that maybe she learned something from the message at church and then i realised, I don't want her to be a christian and that led me to realise I don't feel any love for her at the moment, just duty, obligation and responsibility. I don't like this at all. I should love her. She is my mother. I think I want to love her. I think, until recently I did love her.
And I was so tempted to tell her about the embryo transfer because she is my mother and I am stressed and anxious and I want her to be my mother, but logic and reality kicked in and I knew it wasn't worth it so I didn't.
The rest of it is just, since going to counselling this time, I've realised just how much my lack of attachment to mum, all of her emotional abuse and manipulation and her inability to want or try to protect me from my brother has affected me here and now, and throughout my life. I didn't realise quite how far reaching it has been but I am beginning to understand a lot of who I am and why I think and act the way I do and so much of it is because of my mother.
Last night I had a horrible thought. I was praying and I prayed that maybe she learned something from the message at church and then i realised, I don't want her to be a christian and that led me to realise I don't feel any love for her at the moment, just duty, obligation and responsibility. I don't like this at all. I should love her. She is my mother. I think I want to love her. I think, until recently I did love her.
And I was so tempted to tell her about the embryo transfer because she is my mother and I am stressed and anxious and I want her to be my mother, but logic and reality kicked in and I knew it wasn't worth it so I didn't.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Doing OK again
I had a bit of an "oh woe is me" day the other day. Mostly I think I was tired and when I am tired my depression kicks in. I am feeling better today - nicely distracted and busily trying not to think about Friday.
Unfortunately the dragon biatch mother from hell is coming to stay tonight on her way up north to visit my brother. On the plus side, I am going to pass along a lot of the hand me downs we got when we had DD so I should reclaim about half a wardrobe in her room, which would be nice. SHe has SO many toys I need the storage. They will be going north on the previso that if we have another baby they come back to us.
Anyway, lots to do today. Just thought I'd get on ans say 6 days including today....... argh! And I am OK, worried, anxious and all of the rest of it, but OK.
ps... I changed the look of my blog to reflect how I was feeling the other day. I'll change it to something else in the next couple of days. This one is too maudling!
Unfortunately the dragon biatch mother from hell is coming to stay tonight on her way up north to visit my brother. On the plus side, I am going to pass along a lot of the hand me downs we got when we had DD so I should reclaim about half a wardrobe in her room, which would be nice. SHe has SO many toys I need the storage. They will be going north on the previso that if we have another baby they come back to us.
Anyway, lots to do today. Just thought I'd get on ans say 6 days including today....... argh! And I am OK, worried, anxious and all of the rest of it, but OK.
ps... I changed the look of my blog to reflect how I was feeling the other day. I'll change it to something else in the next couple of days. This one is too maudling!
Friday, June 11, 2010
Not happy, not coping.
I think the title of this post says it all. I am not good at waiting. I just need to know. I REALLY just NEED to know. Sigh... 7 days to go.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Not thinking... not wishing..... not hoping....
Well, that is what I'd like to be doing.
Instead I am thinking, wishing and hoping..grrrrr. There are 8 days until blood test.. it will be a very looooooooooooooooooooooooong 8 days.
So today I am off to the shops with DD to buy her a nice warm jacket as it is bloody freezing here today. I also need to buy wipes and nappies. I WISH she'd go back to toilet training. She was doing all poos in the potty but our trip to Sydney and then us all getting sick threw it completely out the window so now we are back to square one and she doesn't want to use it. I am SO grateful to have one very precious daughter. I got to have big cuddles in bed with her this morning. Thursdays are my day for 'sleeping in' (I'm awake normally but staying snuggled in bed). DD had had a nappy leak so DH changed her and sent her in to bed with me in just a nappy so she could stay warm while he hunted up some clothes for her. It was lovely and beautiful. That precious, warm little body cuddled in against mine as we talked and giggled. I know how lucky and blessed I am and those reminders are just priceless.
And so my heart aches for a friend of mine, Bee, who lost her precious son less than an hour after he was born. And I feel so angry at the unfairness and injustice of a world that lets drug users, dole bludgers (and I mean the real bludgers not the genuine ones) and abusive sh!ts like my brother have children, yet leaves lovely people like Bee, my sister and I struggling to have the families we long for and desire. It is a cruel, cruel world sometimes.
Instead I am thinking, wishing and hoping..grrrrr. There are 8 days until blood test.. it will be a very looooooooooooooooooooooooong 8 days.
So today I am off to the shops with DD to buy her a nice warm jacket as it is bloody freezing here today. I also need to buy wipes and nappies. I WISH she'd go back to toilet training. She was doing all poos in the potty but our trip to Sydney and then us all getting sick threw it completely out the window so now we are back to square one and she doesn't want to use it. I am SO grateful to have one very precious daughter. I got to have big cuddles in bed with her this morning. Thursdays are my day for 'sleeping in' (I'm awake normally but staying snuggled in bed). DD had had a nappy leak so DH changed her and sent her in to bed with me in just a nappy so she could stay warm while he hunted up some clothes for her. It was lovely and beautiful. That precious, warm little body cuddled in against mine as we talked and giggled. I know how lucky and blessed I am and those reminders are just priceless.
And so my heart aches for a friend of mine, Bee, who lost her precious son less than an hour after he was born. And I feel so angry at the unfairness and injustice of a world that lets drug users, dole bludgers (and I mean the real bludgers not the genuine ones) and abusive sh!ts like my brother have children, yet leaves lovely people like Bee, my sister and I struggling to have the families we long for and desire. It is a cruel, cruel world sometimes.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Waiting and the Coke dilemma
I am a 'need to know' kinda girl. I am like that in all areas of my life; I don't like surprises, I just want to know an outcome so I can get on with things, you name it, I NEED to know NOW! Oh how much worse is that need with ivf. I could cope, if I knew now, that this cycle wasn't going to work. It's the 9 days of wishing, and the hope creeping in despite my best efforts to hold it back, that makes it so much worse when it fails.
Ahhh.... coke... to drink it or not to drink it... the eternal question for me. I have been trying to give it up since last September and while I am no longer drinking 2L a day I have been drinking it daily, except the the occasional 2 days and the one-off one week where I did manage to quit. So, I know they say caffeine can increase your risk of miscarriage so of course, I want to do everything in my power that is possible to ensure this is a successful pregnancy, but that small voice inside keeps saying "but you don't even know if you are pregnant yet" and "surely just one a day won't matter"... it's just like those annoying quit smoking adds. I SOOOOO want a coke but I am not going to have one. I will be strong and maybe this is what I needed to quit after all.
But I love coke. It is my relaxation and stress release thing, which I know is SO dumb. It has developed to be something for me, just for me. A break and a chance to relax and unwind. Nothing else works as well for me.
No, I will be strong. If nothing else I might manage to shed a few of my many unwanted kilos.
Ahhh.... coke... to drink it or not to drink it... the eternal question for me. I have been trying to give it up since last September and while I am no longer drinking 2L a day I have been drinking it daily, except the the occasional 2 days and the one-off one week where I did manage to quit. So, I know they say caffeine can increase your risk of miscarriage so of course, I want to do everything in my power that is possible to ensure this is a successful pregnancy, but that small voice inside keeps saying "but you don't even know if you are pregnant yet" and "surely just one a day won't matter"... it's just like those annoying quit smoking adds. I SOOOOO want a coke but I am not going to have one. I will be strong and maybe this is what I needed to quit after all.
But I love coke. It is my relaxation and stress release thing, which I know is SO dumb. It has developed to be something for me, just for me. A break and a chance to relax and unwind. Nothing else works as well for me.
No, I will be strong. If nothing else I might manage to shed a few of my many unwanted kilos.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Emby on board
It was a very quick process and the little emby is now (hopefully) nestled in where it should be and doing its thing. We were very fortunate that the first one thawed did what it was meant to do so we still have 5 frozen for the future.
I SO hope this is a successful pregnancy for me. Of course, everyone going through ivf hopes that and not many get it when they want it.
Hoping and praying that this will be the one. Now I just need to distract myself until 18 June which is blood test day.
I SO hope this is a successful pregnancy for me. Of course, everyone going through ivf hopes that and not many get it when they want it.
Hoping and praying that this will be the one. Now I just need to distract myself until 18 June which is blood test day.
I am NOT axious!!! LOL!
As you can probably tell, anxiety is a bit of a recuring theme for me right now. I know I do worry a bit, and possibly a bit more than some people, but I never saw myself as an anxious person. DH and the psych have got me rethinking and it is bothering me a bit.
BUT, I figure today it's OK to be anxious. I just phoned the clinic and all is good to go with our embryo transfer, so that means one of our 6 frosties thawed and began continuing to divide... Woo Hoo!!! I don't know how many they thawed to get there and I don't know that I want to know, although I suppose I do need to know how many are left for any future attempts. But I am relieved we have one good to go and I AM anxious about it; not the procedure. It's fine. It's the waiting and wondering and hoping and not wanting to hope and all of that. I am feeling quite stressed and I don't want to be. I want to be relaxed and just going with the flow of it all.
BUT, I figure today it's OK to be anxious. I just phoned the clinic and all is good to go with our embryo transfer, so that means one of our 6 frosties thawed and began continuing to divide... Woo Hoo!!! I don't know how many they thawed to get there and I don't know that I want to know, although I suppose I do need to know how many are left for any future attempts. But I am relieved we have one good to go and I AM anxious about it; not the procedure. It's fine. It's the waiting and wondering and hoping and not wanting to hope and all of that. I am feeling quite stressed and I don't want to be. I want to be relaxed and just going with the flow of it all.
Monday, June 7, 2010
FET tomorrow
So, here I am busily trying not to think about tomorrow; to not get my hopes up, but I can't help it. I WANT another child so badly I can't help but hope, even when I don't want to.
I am currently planning on coming to work for the morning. My procedure is at 12:30pm so I am trying to decide whether to come back to work or have the afternoon off and treat myself.. to what I don't know. Maybe a massage, maybe some retail therapy or a good long lunch. Just something special. But I don't really think I should do something special. I think maybe I should hold off until "it doesn't work" and then treat myself. How stupid am I? How dumb is my thought process, to already right off something for no reason except maybe I am an anxious pessimist lol!
Breathe in.... breathe out.... breathe in.... breathe out......
I am currently planning on coming to work for the morning. My procedure is at 12:30pm so I am trying to decide whether to come back to work or have the afternoon off and treat myself.. to what I don't know. Maybe a massage, maybe some retail therapy or a good long lunch. Just something special. But I don't really think I should do something special. I think maybe I should hold off until "it doesn't work" and then treat myself. How stupid am I? How dumb is my thought process, to already right off something for no reason except maybe I am an anxious pessimist lol!
Breathe in.... breathe out.... breathe in.... breathe out......
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Fell into a big hole
Ahhh.. shoulda known it would happen. Yesterday I talked to psych about lots of stuff, got the OK for FET and DH's job stuff is sorted and will be for a while now.. so all was good. I was on a bit of a high and now... I have crashed into a big heap. I hate the emotional roller coaster that is my life. I don't like the way my head works at all. I just want to cruise along, not being emotional and not needing people.
Just feeling unloved, un-special (made that one up I think), unimportant... no one's fault. Oh hang on, it's the dragon bitch mother from hell's fault but she's not here and I can't blame her anyway.
Shoulda known I'd crash. I wanna crawl into bed, pull the covers up and hide forever. I want to cry but the tears won't come. It's kinda like when you feel sick and you know that if you just spewed you would feel better. I feel like if I could cry I would feel better. But the "thou shalt not cry" unspoken rule of my childhood is too strong to break.
I need a friend about now.
Just feeling unloved, un-special (made that one up I think), unimportant... no one's fault. Oh hang on, it's the dragon bitch mother from hell's fault but she's not here and I can't blame her anyway.
Shoulda known I'd crash. I wanna crawl into bed, pull the covers up and hide forever. I want to cry but the tears won't come. It's kinda like when you feel sick and you know that if you just spewed you would feel better. I feel like if I could cry I would feel better. But the "thou shalt not cry" unspoken rule of my childhood is too strong to break.
I need a friend about now.
Friday, June 4, 2010
D-day part 3
I got the phone call. Embryo transfer is Tuesday. I am feeling very scared, worried, anxious... I am NOT an anxious person lol! I have been praying that it would only go ahead if it was going to be successful. It will be interesting to see if that prayer is answered.
D-day part 2
I am hopeless. I went to the psych today with it all planned that I would finally be real and honest and all of that and I get there and this is how it goes
psych: "How's your morning been?"
me: "fine"
psych: "what's been happening in the past week?"
me: "nothing much"
psych: "so, we were going to talk about your blog"
me: "yeah"
psych... waiting... waiting....
I eventually just laughed and said "I am so hopeless. I decided to talk to you today and then I get here and I just can't do it".
So then we talked about why I can't talk... all has to do with how I grew up and how we always had to present a happy, 'everything is normal' face to the world and couldn't talk about anything bad at all etc...
Then I finally talked to her about a couple of my blog posts - the one about psychs cos that really explains some of why I struggle so hard to talk to her and the one about my realisations to do with mental health and watching SVU.
I don't know what I think now. I am guessing I will need some time and space to process. Mostly we just talked about those posts and what it was like to experience some of my experiences.
She did say she wants me to notice the language I use because I tend to say things like "I'm a nut job" or "headcase" quite a lot. She wants me to look for patterns in the things I say either here, in my journal or internally. So it's pretty funny that I started this post with "I am hopeless".
Isn't it funny that I am quite happy to listen to my head and all of the negative things I tell myself.. but I won't listen to my head when it tells me stuff like "I didn't do anything wrong. The abuse wasn't my fault and I don't need to feel responsible or ashamed". I wonder why it is so easy to listen to the negative and dismiss the 'rational'?
Now I am just waiting for D-day part 3 - the phone call from ivf to tell me we are good to go, although mostly I am expecting a "your hormones seem to be doing something a bit strange.." followed by "cancelled cycle". I am such a pessimist! I want to be an optimist but I don't want to get my hopes up. Is that even possible?
psych: "How's your morning been?"
me: "fine"
psych: "what's been happening in the past week?"
me: "nothing much"
psych: "so, we were going to talk about your blog"
me: "yeah"
psych... waiting... waiting....
I eventually just laughed and said "I am so hopeless. I decided to talk to you today and then I get here and I just can't do it".
So then we talked about why I can't talk... all has to do with how I grew up and how we always had to present a happy, 'everything is normal' face to the world and couldn't talk about anything bad at all etc...
Then I finally talked to her about a couple of my blog posts - the one about psychs cos that really explains some of why I struggle so hard to talk to her and the one about my realisations to do with mental health and watching SVU.
I don't know what I think now. I am guessing I will need some time and space to process. Mostly we just talked about those posts and what it was like to experience some of my experiences.
She did say she wants me to notice the language I use because I tend to say things like "I'm a nut job" or "headcase" quite a lot. She wants me to look for patterns in the things I say either here, in my journal or internally. So it's pretty funny that I started this post with "I am hopeless".
Isn't it funny that I am quite happy to listen to my head and all of the negative things I tell myself.. but I won't listen to my head when it tells me stuff like "I didn't do anything wrong. The abuse wasn't my fault and I don't need to feel responsible or ashamed". I wonder why it is so easy to listen to the negative and dismiss the 'rational'?
Now I am just waiting for D-day part 3 - the phone call from ivf to tell me we are good to go, although mostly I am expecting a "your hormones seem to be doing something a bit strange.." followed by "cancelled cycle". I am such a pessimist! I want to be an optimist but I don't want to get my hopes up. Is that even possible?
D-day in so many ways
I am NOT an anxious person... oh hang on, maybe I am.
Blood test today to confirm that I am/did ovulate overnight and to set the date for FET... if it goes ahead... oh please let it go ahead. If the ovulation pains I have in my side are anything to go by, yep I am ovulating. But given that I had gastro that doubting part of my brain says it's not ovulation pain it's left over gastro stuff.
And today is the day I AM going to be real and honest and really start talking to my psych. Not that I haven't been cos I have learned some stuff already but today is the day when I stop protecting myself and start trusting her.
It was also this time last year we lost our precious little bubba in miscarriage.
What a day! I am scared, hopeful, kinda excited, nervous, kinda happy, worried, anxious... oh dear, maybe I am an anxious person.
Blood test today to confirm that I am/did ovulate overnight and to set the date for FET... if it goes ahead... oh please let it go ahead. If the ovulation pains I have in my side are anything to go by, yep I am ovulating. But given that I had gastro that doubting part of my brain says it's not ovulation pain it's left over gastro stuff.
And today is the day I AM going to be real and honest and really start talking to my psych. Not that I haven't been cos I have learned some stuff already but today is the day when I stop protecting myself and start trusting her.
It was also this time last year we lost our precious little bubba in miscarriage.
What a day! I am scared, hopeful, kinda excited, nervous, kinda happy, worried, anxious... oh dear, maybe I am an anxious person.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Cycle day 14
Ho hum... another day, another blood test. Am waiting for today's results to see if my hormones are doing what they should be so I know if I need another blood test tomorrow. If my body is true to form I will be having blood tests daily until Monday - SERIOUSLY!!! Good thing I don't have a needle phobia but I do worry I might start leaking with all of these holes lol!
EDITED to add...
just got the phone call. It looks like my levels are doing all the right thing, with a blood test tomorrow to confirm ovulation. If so, emby on board 5 days from now... scared shitless. Scared something will happen and my hormones will go haywire overnight. Scared that we won't have any successfully defrosted embys. Scared it won't work. Scared it is all too much on top of everything else.
Thank goodness I gave up coke through the gastro we just had lol!
Fingers and everything else crossed please, plus lots of prayers.
EDITED to add...
just got the phone call. It looks like my levels are doing all the right thing, with a blood test tomorrow to confirm ovulation. If so, emby on board 5 days from now... scared shitless. Scared something will happen and my hormones will go haywire overnight. Scared that we won't have any successfully defrosted embys. Scared it won't work. Scared it is all too much on top of everything else.
Thank goodness I gave up coke through the gastro we just had lol!
Fingers and everything else crossed please, plus lots of prayers.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Denial and hope - my 2 friends that fail me regularly
I am torn between these 2 friends.
I KNEW my brother's partner was pregnant. I KNEW they would be having a baby about now but somehow I managed to deny the reality of it for all that time. Until I get smacked about the head with the birth of their baby girl. Why did it have to be a girl? Somehow I just always assumed it wouldn't happen. How dumb can I be? It's not that I wished them to lose their baby because I didn't and couldn't but I guess I just didn't want to 'connect the dots' in my head. Didn't want to acknowledge the reality of my brother having a child. And of course it had to be a girl... of course. Just had to be.
Hope... my other friend....
I had a blood test yesterday at CD12 to give us an idea of when we would need to do more. I was really surprised when the nurse phoned yesterday afternoon to tell me that I needed another blood test today. So I go in this morning to have it and she told me my estrogen (the hormone that failed me last cycle) was already at 500... that is the lowest they look at it for an FET... now it SHOULDN'T be that high at CD 12, or not in my books because I have a 32 day cycle so it shouldn't rise until closer to CD18... but of course, hope has crept in. Hope that maybe this cycle will be "IT". Hope that maybe this time we will get to FET and a successful pregnancy. And I don't want to hope. I now have to wait and see what today's result is. Wait and see what and when (or if) my LH levels surge and progesterone does whatever it is meant to do. So I am waiting and I can't stop that little gem of hope to build.
I DON'T WANT TO HOPE. GO AWAY!
I KNEW my brother's partner was pregnant. I KNEW they would be having a baby about now but somehow I managed to deny the reality of it for all that time. Until I get smacked about the head with the birth of their baby girl. Why did it have to be a girl? Somehow I just always assumed it wouldn't happen. How dumb can I be? It's not that I wished them to lose their baby because I didn't and couldn't but I guess I just didn't want to 'connect the dots' in my head. Didn't want to acknowledge the reality of my brother having a child. And of course it had to be a girl... of course. Just had to be.
Hope... my other friend....
I had a blood test yesterday at CD12 to give us an idea of when we would need to do more. I was really surprised when the nurse phoned yesterday afternoon to tell me that I needed another blood test today. So I go in this morning to have it and she told me my estrogen (the hormone that failed me last cycle) was already at 500... that is the lowest they look at it for an FET... now it SHOULDN'T be that high at CD 12, or not in my books because I have a 32 day cycle so it shouldn't rise until closer to CD18... but of course, hope has crept in. Hope that maybe this cycle will be "IT". Hope that maybe this time we will get to FET and a successful pregnancy. And I don't want to hope. I now have to wait and see what today's result is. Wait and see what and when (or if) my LH levels surge and progesterone does whatever it is meant to do. So I am waiting and I can't stop that little gem of hope to build.
I DON'T WANT TO HOPE. GO AWAY!
Too many storms
Broken
Battered
Bruised
Beaten
Defeated
Exhausted
Without hope
Done
Too many storms
Too many trials to weather
Too much to endure-
my brother had a baby
DH wants to chuck in his job
about to start ivf cycle again
about to build a house
my brother had a baby girl
horrendous intrusive thoughts
a baby girl
exhausted from being so sick
DH and no job
= no money
= no ivf
= how the hell do we build a house
scared for DH
feeling responsible his mental health
having to always be the strong one
That was how I was feeling last night. At the absolute edge of coping. Done. Completely, utterly spent.
And then I read this from The Word for Today-
'...He will take care of you...' "Psalm 55:22 NLT
Gladys Aylward, missionary to China more than fifty years ago, was forced to flee when the Japanese invaded Yuncheng. With only one assistant, she led a hundred orphans over the mountains toward free China. During the journey she grappled with fear. After passing a sleepless night she faced the morning with no hope of reaching safety. A thirteen-year-old girl in the group reminded her of their much-loved story of Moses and the Red Sea. 'But I am not Moses,' Gladys sighed in despair. 'Of course you aren't,' the girl said, 'but God is still God!' When Gladys and the orphans made it through, they proved once again that no matter how inadequate we feel, God is still God, and we can still trust Him.
Sometimes God calms the storm, other times He lets the storm rage and calms us. Either way, He sustains us and brings us through. We always have a choice: either we give the burden to God or we try to carry it ourselves. How does God provide for us? One day at a time. Remember the Israelites in the wilderness? Each day God fed them by sending manna from heaven. Notice how it worked. The number of people in your family determined the amount of manna you received, no more and no less. And God would only allow you to collect enough for each day; if you tried to hoard more, it rotted. Getting the idea? So trust God for today and leave tomorrow in His hands. 'Give your burdens to the Lord, and He will take care of you.' (Psalm 55:22 NLT)
And so I went to bed and read Psalm 55 and I prayed all of those words I wrote at the start of this post. And I found peace and calm in the midst of all the turmoil and despair. It is the first time I have felt truly sheltered by God and all I could say was "let me rest in the shelter of Your wing". I am grateful to God for answering that prayer, that need, at a time when I couldn't go on and didn't know what I was going to do.
Things are no better this morning but I am trying to continue to trust in God and rest in Him. There is quietness in my heart despite the turmoil and uncertainty. I have never truly believed I am loved and accepted by God but last night I began to get a glimmer that maybe, just maybe, I am. No one else, no where else, could that peace and calm have come from.
Battered
Bruised
Beaten
Defeated
Exhausted
Without hope
Done
Too many storms
Too many trials to weather
Too much to endure-
my brother had a baby
DH wants to chuck in his job
about to start ivf cycle again
about to build a house
my brother had a baby girl
horrendous intrusive thoughts
a baby girl
exhausted from being so sick
DH and no job
= no money
= no ivf
= how the hell do we build a house
scared for DH
feeling responsible his mental health
having to always be the strong one
That was how I was feeling last night. At the absolute edge of coping. Done. Completely, utterly spent.
And then I read this from The Word for Today-
'...He will take care of you...' "Psalm 55:22 NLT
Gladys Aylward, missionary to China more than fifty years ago, was forced to flee when the Japanese invaded Yuncheng. With only one assistant, she led a hundred orphans over the mountains toward free China. During the journey she grappled with fear. After passing a sleepless night she faced the morning with no hope of reaching safety. A thirteen-year-old girl in the group reminded her of their much-loved story of Moses and the Red Sea. 'But I am not Moses,' Gladys sighed in despair. 'Of course you aren't,' the girl said, 'but God is still God!' When Gladys and the orphans made it through, they proved once again that no matter how inadequate we feel, God is still God, and we can still trust Him.
Sometimes God calms the storm, other times He lets the storm rage and calms us. Either way, He sustains us and brings us through. We always have a choice: either we give the burden to God or we try to carry it ourselves. How does God provide for us? One day at a time. Remember the Israelites in the wilderness? Each day God fed them by sending manna from heaven. Notice how it worked. The number of people in your family determined the amount of manna you received, no more and no less. And God would only allow you to collect enough for each day; if you tried to hoard more, it rotted. Getting the idea? So trust God for today and leave tomorrow in His hands. 'Give your burdens to the Lord, and He will take care of you.' (Psalm 55:22 NLT)
And so I went to bed and read Psalm 55 and I prayed all of those words I wrote at the start of this post. And I found peace and calm in the midst of all the turmoil and despair. It is the first time I have felt truly sheltered by God and all I could say was "let me rest in the shelter of Your wing". I am grateful to God for answering that prayer, that need, at a time when I couldn't go on and didn't know what I was going to do.
Things are no better this morning but I am trying to continue to trust in God and rest in Him. There is quietness in my heart despite the turmoil and uncertainty. I have never truly believed I am loved and accepted by God but last night I began to get a glimmer that maybe, just maybe, I am. No one else, no where else, could that peace and calm have come from.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Little, or not so little, green monster
I WANT to be happy for people who are pregnant or give birth. I REALLY want to be happy for them. I know how much joy and pleasure and happiness there is with new life and I want everyone I know to experience that.
But I am not happy. I am jealous and hurting. I don't want to be jealous or envious. I don't want to resent them and their happiness. I want to celebrate their happiness with them.
But instead I find I am resentful, angry and hurting. There is no joy for them, just a gaping wound and a deep, soul destroying ache.
I hate me for feeling this way. I don't want to be that person.
But I am not happy. I am jealous and hurting. I don't want to be jealous or envious. I don't want to resent them and their happiness. I want to celebrate their happiness with them.
But instead I find I am resentful, angry and hurting. There is no joy for them, just a gaping wound and a deep, soul destroying ache.
I hate me for feeling this way. I don't want to be that person.
Anxious?? Moi?????
I am still somewhat surprised at how strongly both DH and psych no 4 seem to think I am an anxious person. I have never really thought I was because I see anxious people as "nervous Nellie's" who fret constantly over every little thing.
But since talking to psych no 4 last week and then writing my last blog post, I have been awake until the wee small hours worrying about talking to my psych, worrying about telling her all of that stuff that I have written following my last 2 appointments with her but I think I need to talk to her about them. I am worried because this is me, raw and vulnerable, not hiding behind any defensive barriers, but just me, the way I think and feel straight up. And I am scared. Scared to share that with her cos until now I have been protecting myself and being very careful of what I say. I guess this is me planning on biting the bullet and being real in my future appointments. So I have been worrying about it lots, which then got me thinking, maybe I am an anxious person after all.
So, as you do when you want to know something, I turned to google. So I do a couple of online anxiety tests and answer them all honestly and what do I get:
"You answered Yes to 3 items out of 10. Based upon the answers you provided, it appears you may have an anxiety disorder. It is recommended that you follow up with a mental health professional for a full evaluation."
"You have answered this anxiety screening in such a way as to suggest that you are not likely currently suffering from an anxiety disorder. Remember that a little anxiety in normal, everyday life is to be expected and is a good thing. Scoring in this range suggests you have that normal level of anxiety but would not likely qualify for an anxiety disorder diagnosis"
"According to your responses to this self test, you may have an unhealthy level of anxiety."
And last but not least...
"If your score is 55 or more (I scored 65), you should seek anxiety disorder self-help materials, counselling/coaching, or professional anxiety disorder help. Scores in this range and above often indicate that an anxiety disorder may occur, that it is already present, or that you have had an anxiety disorder in the past."
Way to go google!
So, am I an anxious person? I am starting to wonder if I am...
* Am I an anxious person because I think about the worst thing that can happen in most cases and make plans for how I would cope?
* Am I an anxious person because I worry that I can't protect DD from getting sick, seriously ill, seriously hurt or kidnapped, raped and murdered?
* Am I am anxious person because I sometimes feel like I have very little control of events in my life? Is it any wonder I feel this way given my history of abuse, where I did have very little control and my infertility, where again I have no control?
* Am I an anxious person because I worry what people will think of me? Doesn't everyone feel this way?
What characterises an anxious person from a non-anxious person? Hmmmmm....
But since talking to psych no 4 last week and then writing my last blog post, I have been awake until the wee small hours worrying about talking to my psych, worrying about telling her all of that stuff that I have written following my last 2 appointments with her but I think I need to talk to her about them. I am worried because this is me, raw and vulnerable, not hiding behind any defensive barriers, but just me, the way I think and feel straight up. And I am scared. Scared to share that with her cos until now I have been protecting myself and being very careful of what I say. I guess this is me planning on biting the bullet and being real in my future appointments. So I have been worrying about it lots, which then got me thinking, maybe I am an anxious person after all.
So, as you do when you want to know something, I turned to google. So I do a couple of online anxiety tests and answer them all honestly and what do I get:
"You answered Yes to 3 items out of 10. Based upon the answers you provided, it appears you may have an anxiety disorder. It is recommended that you follow up with a mental health professional for a full evaluation."
"You have answered this anxiety screening in such a way as to suggest that you are not likely currently suffering from an anxiety disorder. Remember that a little anxiety in normal, everyday life is to be expected and is a good thing. Scoring in this range suggests you have that normal level of anxiety but would not likely qualify for an anxiety disorder diagnosis"
"According to your responses to this self test, you may have an unhealthy level of anxiety."
And last but not least...
"If your score is 55 or more (I scored 65), you should seek anxiety disorder self-help materials, counselling/coaching, or professional anxiety disorder help. Scores in this range and above often indicate that an anxiety disorder may occur, that it is already present, or that you have had an anxiety disorder in the past."
Way to go google!
So, am I an anxious person? I am starting to wonder if I am...
* Am I an anxious person because I think about the worst thing that can happen in most cases and make plans for how I would cope?
* Am I an anxious person because I worry that I can't protect DD from getting sick, seriously ill, seriously hurt or kidnapped, raped and murdered?
* Am I am anxious person because I sometimes feel like I have very little control of events in my life? Is it any wonder I feel this way given my history of abuse, where I did have very little control and my infertility, where again I have no control?
* Am I an anxious person because I worry what people will think of me? Doesn't everyone feel this way?
What characterises an anxious person from a non-anxious person? Hmmmmm....
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