Depression + exhaustion+ the DBMFH = a desperate desire to self harm or just give up on life

I hate it. I hate myself. I hate feeling this way. I hate myself for feeling this way. I am just so bloody tired all the time. And when I am tired my depression gets worse. Much, much worse. Throw into the mix the DBMFH (dragon bitch mother from hell) who decided to use christmas day to tell me how sucky I and my siblings are as her children and how much she hates life and how it isn't worth living. So now all I want to do is self harm. I am full of emotions I don't know what to do with or how to deal with. I feel like I have to just suck it up and that I can't fall to pieces and so the only way I know how to cope with such an internal emotional mess is to self harm.

I began self harming as a teenager when my dad was dying from cancer and I was trying to deal with that and the physical, emotional and sexual abuse. It was the only way I could get by from day to day without killing myself. And so I self harmed on and off for about 4 years. When I moved out of home I no longer needed to but I have never learned a better way to deal with very intense emotions. I just want to cry but I can't. I just can't let go. I am scared I will fall to pieces and not be able to pull myself back together again. I am just exhausted.

How can I feel like this when I have such a beautiful daughter? I think for me that is probably the hardest thing of all. How can I want to harm myself or give up on living when I have such a precious child who is so beautiful and so wonderful? I swear my head just doesn't make sense. I wonder if it ever did?

You Rescued Me - Geoff Bullock

In case you didn't figure it, the last post was part of my life story. I have told a couple of people I was abused but I have never told anyone about that time, when I thought I was pregnant at 8 years old. I wanted to follow that story up with these words from a Geoff Bullock song. It is my hope and my truth.

You rescued me and picked me up
A living hope of grace revealed
a life transformed in righteousness
Oh Lord You have rescued me

Forgiving me, You healed my heart
and set me free from sin and death
You bought me life, You've made me whole
Oh Lord You have rescued me

And You loved me
before I knew You
and You knew me for all time
I've been created in Your image oh Lord
And You bought me and You sought me
Your blood poured out for me
a new creation in Your image oh Lord
You rescued me

The Little Girl I Cry For

She had only just started school when her brother began abusing her. It started off innocently enough, a little game, a shared secret. He made her feel loved, valued, special. These were things she didn't feel from her parents and so she was vulnerable. Over the next couple of years as he grew older it evolved into sex, one slow step at a time. She didn't want it but when she refused she thought she would die and so she stopped refusing. She just accepted whatever was done to her and was numb.

In third class her school showed the movie "where did I come from?" as the start of very early sex education. She learned that a girl could become pregnant if she had sex. What she missed out on hearing was that a girl needed to be menstruating first and so she became terrified that she was pregnant. For the next 6-7 months every night when she went to bed and every morning when she woke up she would punch herself in the stomach over and over again so that she would lose the baby. She had seen something about that on TV so she thought that was the answer. She read the 'where did I come from' book over and over again trying to figure out what was happening to her. Her parents sometimes commented about how much she was looking at it but it was only in passing and not from any real interest or concern. After about 6 months she realised that her stomach wasn't getting any bigger like it should have been and she guessed she wasn't pregnant after all.

But for 6 or so months that little girl lived in absolute terror of being pregnant, of having a baby, of shame and fear and humiliation, of fear that someone would know what was happening to her.

It took another 2 years before the abuse stopped. I still cry for this little girl.

Permission and being a mother

Over the past 20 months I have observed something interesting in the dynamics between DH and I. Since becoming parents, there is an implied assumption that I will be the parent and DH will be only if I am not available. And this is something that has manifest itself in what I am starting to think of as the "med do, women ask" behaviour. By this I mean that DH will come home and say "I am doing X this afternoon and again on Saturday" (where X is something DD can't do with him and therefore I am looking after her). Whereas I am much more likely to say "I am thinking of doing Y, is this OK?" (asking him if he would be so kind as to give up some of his precious time to look after his daughter so I can do something).

And so it got me thinking, why do I feel I need to ask permission to have a life outside of work and the home but DH just assumes it's his right? I am wondering if it is an only child thing because he has never had to stop to think of anyone else along the way or if it is more generic to men.

I am frustrated and I have tried explaining it to DH but he doesn't get it. He says "but you went to mother's group" or something similar. He doesn't get that I would like a little bit of time where I am just me, uninterrupted to do things I would like, so I can refresh adn recharge the batteries.

But then, when I was growing up, my mum didn't have "me time" so is this a new idea for my generation? Am I selfish for hoping for a little bit of time without responsibility?

My story

At our bible study group at the moment we are looking at the question of why, as Christians, we are often afraid to talk about our faith in God and the reason for our hope for eternal life. Part of the study series is to write our story about how and why we became a christian and I have been giving it some thought so I thought I'd write out what is in my head.

I became a christian at a time when my life was really bad. I grew up in an abusive home believing I was unloved, unlovable and worthless. Love was there, but it was conditional and those conditions were continually changing, so I never felt like I could do the right thing to earn the love of my parents. By the time I got to high school I was seriously messed up, planning to live on the streets and suicidal. I ended up sitting with a group of friends who were mostly christians. I realised that there was something different about them and that was something I wanted but I didn't know what it was. Eventually I started going to bible study at lunch with them and I learned that there was a God who created the whole world, including me and that He loves me so much that He was willing send His son to die for me so that I could be loved by Him and have a relationship with Him. It took a while for me to really believe it because how could God love me when my parents didn't? But I clung to that belief and hope - that I was loved, lovable and worthwhile and not only that, but God's love was unconditional. And finally I understood what it was my friends had that I found so attractive - hope and certainty of their security in God and their relationship with Him.

Becoming a Christian didn't miraculously change my life for the better, my family didn't suddenly become warm and loving people but I had certainty that God was bigger than them and He loved me. And God gave me the strength to stay at home and finish my schooling so that I could make something of my life. And God has surrounded me with wonderful friends and mentors who are my family and who fulfil my life in ways I never believed possible growing up.

I still have doubts at times today. It is hard to rewrite the lessons of my childhood and learn to trust again but I am being healed through the love of God, my husband and daughter and the friendships I have.

And I am grateful to God for my life.

Self-Sufficiency, or just Every Day People Living Inspiring Lives

I am definitely a self-sufficiency wanna be. I would love to grow all my own veggies and quite a bit of fruit, but my veggie patch is full of weeds and I can never seem to get on top of them. Between the rabbits, possums and the occasional escapee chicken, not to mention my forgetfulness to water, I am not having much luck. I have decided March/April will be MY time and my garden’s time – weeds will be gone in a couple of my garden beds and winter crops sown and nurtured. I can’t help laughing at that because that has been my goal for about 4 years now.

In my quest for figuring out what it is I want to do, I have a couple of websites that I love and visit regularly. I wanted to share them as I believe they are great for making us think, helping us to realise that sustainability is easier than we would believe and because I find them inspiring.

The first is Jules Dervaes from Path To Freedom - http://pathtofreedom.com/
I have long been a fan of this site – so many interesting things and the fact that they are living self-sufficiently on such a small block is amazing. It makes me want to put in more effort and time to my own venture. Over the years they have changed the website and I don’t find it quite as easy/interesting as it was but there is still a wealth of information on the site.

The second is a recent find and I am devastated (OK, not really) I didn’t know about it sooner – Patti Moreno of Garden Girl TV http://www.gardengirltv.com/
This site is full of so much interesting material, including short videos on how to do a whole range of things. Explore the site, visit all her pages and then check out some of the websites she loves. Wonderful stuff. Again, this is a site that inspires me to be better. And that is a sign of a very good site.

Well, I wrote that at the end of Feb and it is now the start of April. There are just as many, if not more, weeds in my veggie patch. Oh well. THat's a job for this weekend if the rain lets up.

So Where am I up to with my Resolutions?

*Big loud guffaw about now*

I think the only two I have stuck with are to create at least 1 thing every week and to play with my dog. When it comes to my helath goals, it reads like a version of Bridget Jones' Diary:

Monday
cans of coke: 1 v. good (if you ignore the 2 600mL bottles I drank)
water consumed: none, unless you count what is in coke
fruit consumed: if lettuce on a burger counts then I ate some (yes, I know lettuce is a vege)

Tuesday
cans of coke: 0 (number of 2L bottles of coke shared with a friend 1.5)
water consumed: does it count if I swallowed some while cleaning my teeth?
fruit consumed: I shared a banana and half a punnet of strawberries with my daughter... she ate most but still, I ate fruit!

New Year's Resolutions

I actually wrote these at the start of Jan but have been really slack and not logged on to upload them.

New Year’s Resolutions

Health:
* drink at least 600mls of water every day
* drink no more than 1 can of coke a day
* eat at least 1 piece of fruit a day

Craft:
* to create one card or piece of art each week
* to set mini-goals each month to use up some of my unused stash
* to keep an art journal

Family and Friends:
* to appreciate my husband more and let him know that I do
* to journal or scrapbook my baby girl's achievements regularly (isn’t it wonderful that I feel like I already love and appreciate her and spend enough time with her that I don’t feel I need a goal for those things?)
* to keep in touch with friends more often through phone calls or face to face rather than rely on just email

Faith:
* to stop listening to my doubts
* to read my bible regularly
* to encourage other christians through cards, letters, notes, phone calls

Other:
* to work daily in my organic vegetable garden and keep it organic
* to play with my dog
* to exercise regularly and do some pilates for my back

It seems like I have a very full year ahead of me if I truly want to accomplish all of this. Fortunately many of them are small changes that are easily incorporated into my life. For others, I am not yet sure where or how I will find the time for them, but I think that is the key with resolutions – it isn’t about finding time, it is about making time. I’ve made these resolutions because they are things that I value and I believe that by doing them, I will be happier, healthier and a better person, so I need to make the time to include them in my life. My biggest problem is that I am lazy and I really enjoy vegging out in front of mindless TV shows. But ultimately, I don’t value time wasted in front of the TV. I mean, seriously, when I am dying, am I really going to be thinking “gee, I wish I had watched Buffy for the fourth, fifth or sixth time”? I doubt it. I will probably be thinking “I wish I had spent more time with the people I loved, told them that I love them and appreciated them”.

I read a quote just recently, and now I can’t remember it exactly, but I think it sums up my thoughts. It goes something like this –

It isn’t until we’re dying that we figure out how to really live
(it was written by someone with breast cancer I think)