Wearing pain like a great big coat

I have a friend who wears her pain and suffering like a great big fur coat. At any given time you can see her checking each of her pockets to make sure all of the painful and wounding experiences she has been through are still there, easily accessible. She will pull them out, dust them off, look at them, feel the pain and grief again, just to be sure it is still there. She can always connect anything that is said to one of the items she carries, and she will pull it out just to be sure. She rattles her experiences off like the names of old friends, not forgetting one, not letting one go. She doesn't let the pain subside, doesn't let time ebb away some of her suffering. She wouldn't even empty out one pocket and leave the fluff and stuff behind, for fear of letting go of some of her hurt.

I love her but she drives me nuts. On the plus side, she serves as a wonderful warning to me. I don't want to be like that. I don't want to wear a coat of suffering and pain. I don't want to be constantly reminding myself of the bad things that have happened, constantly feeling the hurt. I want to be washed in the rain of time, bathed in the gift of love and acceptance, and let the hurt and grief and pain wash away. I don't want to be weighed down by the weight of all I have been through. i don't want to pull it out and check it is still there, still painful, on a regular basis. I want to use it to mould me into a better person, a kinder and more compassionate person, a stronger, more resilient person. To have the experiences and the lessons learned but to grow from them to be more than I am.

I don't want to compare coats. I don't want to compare crap from our coat pockets.

I don't want to wear a coat.