I just want to write, not about anything in particular.
Firstly, I am over this constant pain from my slipped disc. It's been 3 months but the constant discomfort is starting to wear me down and make me tired and grumpy. I've noticed my levels of frustration tolerance are rapidly decreasing and I am struggling to maintain my composure with DD when she is grumpy, whingey or whiny. I love her dearly but my ability to cope is eroding because of the constant pain. I am hoping it is going to get better soon.
Secondly we are going back to ivf. The thought of it sends my anxiety levels pretty high because I dread hearing "I'm sorry, but I'm not seeing what I should be..." which happened twice at 8 weeks pregnancy. I know I've got to get there first and that means living in hope that I have a successful cycle but I'm not sure how I will manage the cycles of hope and despair. I'm also doubting the wisdom because of my back; if it is giving me so much grief, how much worse would it be if I got pregnant?
All I can do is pray and trust that God has a plan and believe that, as it says in the bible, "all things work together for the good of those who love God, who are called according to His purpose". I don't yet see how my infertility and miscarriages can work for my good but I am trusting and waiting and assuming it will all make sense one day - maybe not until heaven - and that somehow it will work for my good. And in addition to praying, I am going to concentrate on my diet by eating healthier, strengthening my back and my fitness, all in preparation for a successful pregnancy. But I want to know how to do these things without a positive pregnancy becoming all consuming. I don't know how so I might try to see the ivf counsellor for a chat prior to starting my cycle.
I am finding though, that in all of the stress over cutting my mother from my life and now ivf, I am starting to withdraw from my friends. It seems too hard, too much energy and I feel over sensitive to everything at the moment, which often leaves me feeling unloved, uncared for and overlooked. I'm sure it is my old insecurities raising their ugly head because my stress and anxiety levels are already high and my coping ability is low, but knowing it hasn't yet stopped me from feeling it, if that makes sense.
1 comment:
Oh sweet friend, you are very much loved and valued. I know it can be hard to feel it sometimes when there's too much negativity in our heads and the love can't find its way in, but know it, embrace it and treasure it. Your friends are here, and even if you feel the need to pull away for a bit, we'll be here for when you need us. It was so good to talk to you last night, it had been too long. Love you my friend xx
Post a Comment