Life isn't fair

This is a vent, so there will be some very bad language in it. I hope no one is too badly offended. I should also say, this is pretty heavy going, so if it brings up any emotions you can't deal with or makes you feel unsafe, you need to stop reading and talk to someone and get some help. I truly hope I don't cause anyone too much distress.

All I can say is life just farking sucks and is so unfair and I don't understand it. My brother, my abusive arsehole of an f-wit brother, is expecting a baby in the middle of the year. He is the only one of us siblings who should never, ever be able to procreate and so of course, he's the only one who seems able to do so without any farking difficulties and heart ache. Life is so farking unfair, so wrong, so fucked up.

I arrived at my mums on Friday for our family christmas and the first thing I get handed is some ultrasound pics. Yep, real great on the sensitivity when our bub was due Christmas and this is a very painful time for me. But, I did what I was meant to - put on a bright, smiley happy face, said congratulations and wished them well. Inside I was screaming. Inside I was dying. I just wanted the world to open up and swallow me so I didn't have to hurt any more. So I didn't have to grieve for our lost child any more. So I didn't have to grieve for my infertility any more. Instead I endured 8 long, painful hours of how wonderful it is and his partners big belly and all the crap that goes with someone being pregnant.

And to top it off, it's a new relationship so they are in the lovey dovey sickeningly gross phase. Made so much worse for me because when I think of his partner as pregnant, all I get is flashbacks of his abuse. So I am reliving my hell just now. And I can't talk about it. I can't tell DH because he has to deal with my family. I can't tell him because he will psychologise me and all I want is a loving, supportive husband. I can't tell him because I just can't. He knows it all, he just doesn't get why I am so upset over my brother expecting a child, why it hurts so much and messes with my head so much. He should get it, he's not dumb, he just thinks my emotions are very extreme about it.

I bawled my eyes out for the whole 2 1/2 hours home. DH wasn't with me, so I had to drive the trip alone. Fortunately DD slept the whole way. I feel like my insides have been ripped to shreds. I get home, DH has had a couple of beers, a nice cruisy afternoon and dinner with friends and wants me to explain why I am so upset. My brother and his partner were following me to stay with us Friday night. Fark me - could anything else conspire to kill me? It feels like the world is trying pretty farking hard.

My mum thinks it's wonderful because my brother has always wanted to be a father. All I can think is I hope to God the poor kid is a boy. Maybe then my brother won't abuse him. But I don't know. I know what he did to me, he did as a child and part of me wants to think he has grown up, dealt with whatever caused it to happen and moved on. But part of me really doubts that because over the last couple of years it has sounded very much like he was grooming his neighbours granddaughters. That has caused me so much stress and anxiety, worrying about what if he abused them as he did me, and I could have stopped it. And now I have a new child to worry about.

So, why can't I conceive? Why did I have to have a miscarriage when someone like him has no trouble? I am so seriously pissed off at the moment. I can't sleep, I can't think. I just want to destroy something. My emotions feel so big and so scary and I don't know how to deal with them. It was never safe as a child to express any negative emotions so I turned to self harm -all that awful sadness, grief, anger, hatred, self loathing, shame, all turned in on myself and so I hurt myself. I never learned a better way to deal. I still don't have a better way to deal but I WILL NOT self harm. I haven't, even though I have desperately wanted to, over the last 2 years. I think, because of that and not knowing how to deal with all of these emotions, I think that really contributes to my depression.

This truly messes with my faith. I seriously don't get God. Either God is in control of everything or God is in control of nothing. It truly feels like God is in control of nothing. Why does God allow my brother to be a father and yet, my sister and I are infertile? Yes, we;ve both had one child but we are still infertile and years of trying hasn't resulted in any more kids for either of us. And I am destroyed by God's apparent lack of care for me. I think, because I never felt like I could earn my parents love, I've never felt that God could love me either. I know I don't have to earn His love but I know that only in my head in an academic way. In the 23 years I've been a christian it has never truly sunk into my heart in a real and meaningful way. And I've prayed that that would change, but it never has. I prayed we would have more kids, but we only have the one. I prayed that my brother wouldn't have kids, but he is going to. I don't want to give up my faith. There is something there, some tiny kernel, that says it is the only way, but I can't keep going as it is. I don't think God loves me. I see no evidence of that. He doesn't answer my prayers, not even the ones asking that I could truly know He loved me and was in my life. Why does it have to be so hard?

I think, when I consider the years of physical and sexual abuse at my brother's hands, the years of emotional abuse and neglect at my mother's (and yes, she still tries it today and yes, she did know about my brother, she just didn't stop it), the years of trying to conceive without hope, my miscarriage and all of the other crap that goes with living, the greatest pain is feeling completely, utterly abandoned by God. There are no words to describe that pain.

S0, why and I sharing all of this? Because I think I am truly at rock bottom. And so, I am terrified but I am going to take the step of sharing my story, myself, with some friends that I trust because I am at the point where I can't do this alone. I need all of the love, support, care and prayers my friends can give. I am lost. I am broken. I am destroyed. And I can't do this alone any more. I need my friends to know me so that I can be me. I need my friends to know me so I can genuinely say what I am thinking, instead of hiding it all behind a smile and an "I'm fine" because I am so far from fine I must be in another galaxy. I can't believe I am at the point where I am so low that I have realised I can't do it and I need my friends. And because I am lazy and a wuss and I don't want to have to repeat my story a couple of times and I don't want to have to tell people face to face because I am pathetic, and very scared of their response.

So that's me, where I'm at right now, in a messy, yucky, embarrassed, ashamed, scared nutshell.