The music of my life

I was thinking today about why I was feeling so blah and as I was thinking I had a whole bunch of lines from songs running through my head that seemed to sum up where I am at. So I thought I'd write them... for no real reason except to maybe get them out of my head so I can go to sleep tonight.

The first is compliments of Buffy the Vampire Slayer -

"Hoping no one knows
I'm just going through the motions
Walking through the part
Nothing seems to penetrate my heart...
Will I stay this way forever
Sleep walk through my life's endeavour...
I don't want to be going through the motions
Losing all my drive I can't even see
If this is really me and I just want to be alive"

I feel like I am sleep walking through my life, numb and afraid to feel or to allow myself to truly feel the depth of my pain, heartache and despair.

And the second compliments of Robbie Williams-

"Cursed since your birth dear
And your worst fears have all come true"

This really is my 'anthem' at the moment. I truly do feel like I have been cursed. I don't mean cursed as in, cursed so that the abuse happened. I mean cursed as in I feel that I am beyond God's reach of acceptance and forgiveness. And my worst fear is that those feelings are true. That I am completely, utterly and permanently separated from God. I don't know why but I feel like, even before I was born, for some reason God said "this one is so dirty, so bad, so worhtless and unlovable I will have nothing to do with it". And the silence in response to my prayers seems to justify those thoughts and feelings. I know from the Bible and what I've been told that "nothing can separate us from the love of God" but I don't feel it. And I have prayed and prayed for 2 years that that will change. And it hasn't. And so of course I can't help but believe that I am truly cursed, truly so worthless and despised, that I am beyond God's reach. I thought doing the spiritual maturity course at church might help - might help me to finally connect with God, might finally connect what I know intellectually in my head but what my heart fails to accept, but no, it hasn't.

Finally, from Tenth Avenue North -

How long must I pray, must i pray to You
How long must I wait, must I wait for You
How long til I see Your face
See You shining through
I'm on my knees begging You to notice me
I'm on my knees Father will You turn to me

One tear in the driving rain
Once voice in the sea of pain
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart
One life, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Won't You come close and hold my heart

But I think the answer to that is a resoundig NO.

Currently in a deep, dark, lonely space. I know I will come out of it but I am stuck at the moment. COmpletely, utterly stuck and completely, utterly spent. Ah the rollercoaster of depression!