OK, here and now I give you, the reader, permission to remind me of anything I am about to write and to *gently* belt me over the head when I fail... and fail I know I will. Not because I want to but because I, like everyone else, am human.
I have decided it is time to get over myself and my pity party. I wouldn't say it has all been a pity party but I do think I have spent way too much time worrying about what is wrong in my life, not about what is right. And so, I want to STOP right now.
There are a lot of good things in my life. My DH is one of them. My DD is another. My wonderful friends are a third. And then there is my good health, my extended family, a good job, a good church, good neighbours, a nice enough house with a nicer one on the way, no major debt, owning my own car complete with heated leather seats (wonderful in winter, not so good in summer), the space and opportunity to grow my own fruit and veggies, have a dog, raise some chickens... the list truly does go on and on and on.
I know that just by saying I am giving up my pity party and self pity won't automatically mean I will and it also won't mean that suddenly everything is good and wonderful. My marriage still has some struggles I need to work through, I am not pregnant and my family are still right royal PITA. But I want to shift my focus away from me. I want to shift my focus away from my problems.
As cliched as it may sound, I want my focus to be on God and on all the good in my life. I want to learn and grow and change. I want to value people more and doubt myself less. I want to get up singing because there are good things in my life and in this world, rather than get up tired and grumpy focusing on what went wrong yesterday or what is going to be hard today. I want to walk with a lift in my stride rather than slump along, self absorbed.
I know I am setting myself up for disappointment in some ways, as the emotional roller coasters of depression and trying to conceive aren't that easy and simple. There is a LOT of pain, grief and heartache involved. But I want my attitude to change.
I know (in my head for now) that the God who made me loves me, cherishes me and shelters me. He is bigger than anything in my life and if I would just stop thinking I know what is best for me, He will fill my life with so many wonderful and good things. It is only in Him, with my focus on Him, that my eyes will be turned away from myself and I will clearly see. I know this because it says it in the Bible. I just need to have the faith to believe it. Unfortunately that is where I stumble time and time again... I am a doubting Thomas, always seeking proof, always wanting answers and always doubting. So, today, I am committing myself to trying to change. I am committing myself once more to my God and Saviour, trusting in His word and all that He says, even when it is hard to see and especially when I want to doubt.
Heavenly Father, I commit myself to you now. I acknowledge you as my Lord and Saviour and accept Jesus' death on the cross as my salvation. I know I can't earn salvation. I can't earn a place in Heaven, no matter how good I think I am and how much better I seem when I compare myself to others. I accept You at Your word now and I ask that You will take away my doubts. Those times when I am tempted to doubt You love me, tempted to doubt You care for me and want what is best for me, help me always to turn back to You and back to Your word and to trust that if You said it, it must be true. I pray for Your strength to fill me now. Help me to stay committed to my decision today. Help me to know, even in those times of grief and heartache and despair, that it is not You and Your doing but that I can trust Your word even when I don't always understand. In Jesus' name I pray. Amen.
OK, as I said, belt me over the head if you think I am getting into an "oh woe is me" state once more. No doubt I will sooner that anyone would expect as I am currently waiting for my period to arrive so I can have an ultrasound and then we can look at starting a new ivf cycle.
Already I am thinking "this cycle will fail" and already I am anticipating grief and despair and pain. I am so dumb. Please, gently and lovingly, when I hit that place, if I hit that place, tell me I am dumb.
Isn't it funny or stupid or something - I feel more vulnerable writing out my prayer today than I did sharing my deepest, darkest, most painful memories. How can I be so ashamed of my faith in God, so scared of what people will think compared to what they would think of me for my childhood?
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