How well do a horse and carriage really go together? I mean, the horse is fine without the carriage and it probably really sucks having to tow that extra weight when I'm pretty sure the horse would rather just run free, gallop and roll in the grass. And as for the carriage... it really is just dead weight. It doesn't really add anything to the horse or support the horse in any way. It just creates more work. Not sure what this means, just pondering out loud.
I've been thinking about marriage and in particular, my marriage, over the past month or so. I do have a good husband and we have been pretty happy, for the most part, for many years, recently celebrating... well, not exactly celebrating as we ate Hungry Jacks and bought a BBQ. - super romantic husband I have there (definitely a keeper lol!).. 10 years of marriage.
But lately I haven't been happy and I've been trying to figure out why not. I mean, I have a good husband who doesn't beat me or abuse me, he might sometimes put me down but it is almost always unintentional, he doesn't always listen and it certainly doesn't feel like he does his share of the housework, but he is a good father and a loving and supportive husband. And that is the hiccup...
except for a very bleak time in his life where his job was challenging, his boss was a malicious bastard and everything built up to almost breaking point for him, he has been a good, loving and supportive husband.
But not lately. Lately, because everything has been so stressful and upsetting for me, I have needed him and for some reason he isn't there for me. He isn't available emotionally or physically... cough ... cough.. who needs THAT anyway?!?!?! Oh hang on, we're trying to have more kids... so I guess we do need that lol!
I need my husband to be there to listen without judging me or treating me like one of his clients. I don't need him to counsel me. I need him to be a husband who agrees "yes that does suck" and "yes it is unfair" not "I think your emotions are too extreme for the situation" which is all I seem to get of late. Yes, sometimes my emotions may be out of proportion to the thing that upset me.. but perhaps if he was there for me when I needed it, I wouldn't bottle it all up until it does explode into something "too extreme".
And I get so hurt that he will get up in front of the church when he is leading worship and talk about something he read or thought about and to pray for everyone, but he will not ever discuss any of it with me, talk to me about God, the bible, his thoughts or prayer. I have told him I don't like this and I want to talk with him and pray with him, but nothing changes. So I've given up.
We just aren't communicating at the moment. And it's annoying. I would like it to change but I don't feel capable of doing it or making it happen at the moment. I am too raw, too vulnerable, too exhausted and likely to just passively cave in to anything he said rather than invest the energy into saying what I want.
So I suppose I am wondering what other people's marriages look like? I know there is no one, or right, model. I know for a long time DHand I existed almost as 2 ships passing in the night and that was fine - it worked for us - because neither of us needed the other at that time. All was good in both our worlds. But now that I need him and he isn't there.
I am wondering how people do this?
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