It's the end of the world as we know it.....

OK, so the earth is still turning…. so far……we will have to see what happens in the next 3-7 days, depending on Australia Post.

Today I sent a letter to my mother saying that at this point in time I don’t want to have a relationship with her. I will put a copy of the letter up here later. It was with very mixed feelings that I put the letter in the red post box; part of me is terrified, part of me feels relief that it is finally over.

It certainly isn’t something I have done lightly. In fact, I have had a lot of stress, anxiety and sleepless nights for the past 2 weeks while I think and pray and process and decide what is the right thing to do.

It helps a bit that when I told my psych about my conversation with mum, the first thing she said to me was “how many times are you going to go back for more?” and it dawned on me how ridiculous it is to go back over and over, hoping for her love and acceptance, hoping for her to be my mother, only to have those hopes dashed, and not just dashed but spat upon. How many times am I going to go back just so she can hurt me again? My psych doesn't normally give people strong/directive advice but she said to me I needed to stop trying to have a relationship with mum. She said because my mother is so damaging, I will never get well (I hate the word well being used for me)while ever I still have contact with her. She's right. I am not well enough/strong enough to set boundaries with mum, to call her on her crap and not take it on board as my own. I might on the odd occasion but it all just starts creeping back in and before I realise it, the old patterns and behaviours are happening again and I am helpless to stop them. Maybe in the future I will be able to havea relationship with her. But cutting her out of my life is so hard to do because she is my mother and it seems wrong.

And so I am struggling with my decision. Part of me wants to climb into the post box and pull the letter back out. Part of me is feeling a lot of relief at the thought that I am finally done;
done with the emotional manipulation
done with walking on eggshells to avoid upsetting her
done with feeling responsible for her and her emotions
done trying to make her happy
done getting in trouble for stuff that I don't need to be in trouble for
done being on the receiving end of her anger when it isn't me she is angry at, I am just convenient
done being the adult in the relationship
done waiting for the next criticism or the next verbal punch
done expecting or hoping she will be my mother
just done

And it is freeing to think I won't have to put up with any of that again. There is a weight that has lifted, but still I am doubting and second guessing myself, wondering and worrying.

So, I guess the next 3-7 days will be interesting as I wait for Australia Post to deliver my letter. After our conversation 2 weeks ago it is obvious I couldn't have a phone conversation with her about it. I have asked her not to contact me. Perhaps I should have specified by email, letter or phone. It will be interesting to see if she honours that request or not.

I am scared. The little girl inside me is scared that I am going to be in a world of trouble. The adult part of me thinks "stuff it. I can deal with it". oh the joys of life in a dysfunctional, abusive family. I guess I have another week of stress, anxiety, worry and sleepless nights.