Doing the happy dance... OK not really

I just didn't know what to call this post.

I thought I would be sadder than I am about removing mum from my life. I thought I would be devastated, but I am not. I am coping way better than I thought. My psych thinks I will need to grieve for the loss; the loss of the mother I had hoped for and hadn’t stopped hoping for, but so far there is no grief. I feel relief and freedom, which is wonderful after 30-something years of hyper vigilance, worry, fear, grief and pain. Of course, I still feel guilt because “you just don’t do that to your mother” but I am not sure where that nagging voice is coming from. Is it from years of mum’s perception of family that has permeated my thinking and beliefs? Is it because I fear what society would say? Is it fear of what my friends would think? And I guess, in response to that nagging thought, I need to think about the fact that mum has never been a mum really, in the true sense of the word. She doesn’t deserve that title, so why should I not remove her from my life?

It is weird, I have hardly taken my antidepressants these last 2 weeks and yet I am feeling mentally healthier than I have done in a long time. Could my depression really be almost solely because of mum? Surely not? Interesting. I think I might talk to my gp and psych about maybe cutting back the dose with a view to weaning, or would that be a bad idea given we are thinking about trying to conceive again. OK, so I’ve been thinking about that a lot, DH hasn’t and we haven’t really talked about it until recently. It seems life is out to thwart us at every turn though. Last month I had a nasty chest infection and was too sick to try to conceive. This month DH has a rash in a “sensitive” place. We think it is probably just heat because he was doing a lot of outdoors work and sweating a lot but I’m not willing to risk it…. ewww! The previous month was out for some other reason. January we tried without success  And I saw our ivf guy but until our house sells we don’t have the money to go back down that path. So, will the trying to conceive journey be too hard, too challenging to give up my antidepressants? If the past is anything to go by, probably, but perhaps I could cut it back significantly, as I’ve been on a pretty high dose.

I am going to do a crafty canvas with the words “I am loved by those who matter” to remind me that I don’t need mum’s love, affection and approval. Time has proven, and she has proven over and over again, that I am never going to get it, so I need to stop hoping, trying, striving and accept that and accept the love I have from the people in my life who matter. And I know I am truly blessed in my life, surrounded by so many wonderful people who know me and still love me.