I finally took the plunge and have made an appointment to see a clincial psych. I've had the referral for 2 months now but I was feeling 'good' and didn't want to go and see someone and get upset. So then I decided maybe that would be a good time to see someone and learn strategies for dealing with negative emotions that don't involve me wanting to harm myself. And then things got bad again so it's probably a really good time to see someone and learn some strategies.
I finally decided to share another story from my life. I haven't ever told anyone this. It's not bad, it's just.. I dunno... read it for yourself.
In my early 20's, when I had been out of home for a couple of years and the full realisation of just how wrong my childhood experiences and my relationship with my mother was had hit home, I was very depressed and seriously suicidal. There were many nights when I would park at Strzlecki Lookout and contemplate just taking that final step. One day, everything became too much. I was lying on the lounge in the unit I was renting and I finally decided that that was it. I just couldn't deal with the pain anymore. I wanted out so badly. I went to get up off the lounge and I couldn't move. It was like there was a big, invisible hand holding me down. I tried and tried to get up and I couldn't move any of my limbs. I stayed stuck there, unable to move, for a couple of long, gut wrenching sob filled hours, until I had made the decision not to kill myself. And then I could move.
I know who was holding me down. I know, without God, I wouldn't be here today and pretty much no one would have known why because I hadn't talked to anyone about any of the abuse. I know I owe God my life here on earth and I know I owe Him my eternal life. I just wish my head and heart could connect the dots.
So anyway, I just wanted to share a very real and very powerful example of God working in my life. I get so shitty at myself for not trusting Him now, for doubting and feeling so lost and abandoned. Surely that time was enough to show me once and for all that God truly does exist and does care for me. Perhaps I just need to remember it more often.
1 comment:
wow how powerful was that experience? Congratulations for making that appointment. Maybe God is giving you time to sort out your stuff and knows that getting pregnant would provide a beautiful distraction but also an excuse not to deal with old stuff? I dont know. Who does know the mind of God? But, I do know you are growing in strength even though it feels dreadful at the moment. Will try to call tomorrow afternoon
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