Well, life certainly has a way of getting more and more complicated, rather than less, doesn't it. I found out 2 1/2 weeks ago that my mother has breast cancer. She spent the week before last in hospital after having a mastectomy. I offered to go and stay with her for the week after she got out of hospital. Well, that offer was a complete balls-up.
My sister visited my mum and looked after her dogs while she was in hospital. She was due to go on a week long holiday with her family on Sunday. They asked if I could go down Sunday night so she could let me know what I needed to do and lock the dogs up before pucking up mum from hospital on Monday. My sister said if I couldn't they could make other arrangements but I said it was fine, I could go. We were away for the weekend on the church family camp from Friday night - Sunday lunch time. On the Friday night at camp DD wouldn't settle to sleep as it was a strange place and not her bed. I called my sister on Saturday morning to say that if we had another night like that on Saturday night, there was no way I would risk driving the extra 3 hours to mum's place on SUnday night because I wasn't going to put DD and myself at risk driving on 4 hours sleep.
Well, my sister then started with a huge sigh in her voice "well, I suppose I will just have to give up my holiday then. I really need it because I've been looking after mum all week and I need a break. But I guess it's too much to ask so if you can't come on Sunday night I'll just have to stay home and miss my holiday." I told her I was leting her know as early as possible so the 'other arrangements' she had mentioned could be put in place and was told that that was no longer an option; her in-laws had gone away for the weekend because they weren't needed. I asked her why, what was needed that I couldn't go down first thing Monday morning. She said the dogs needed to be locked outside before mum got home so they didn't jump on her and if mum was going to be discharged she needed to be out of there by 9am. I said that the dogs were easily sorted. Mum could stay in the car while I got out and locked her dogs out of the house before she came in and as for her being discharged, given she was in a private hospital and I could be there by 9:30am surely there was somewhere mum could wait that half hour. But my sister just sulked and said "don't worry about it. I'll just stay home." I told her not to be stupid and she said I had better phone mum and tell her then.
So I phoned mum and explained why I wasn't willing to come down on teh Sunday night, risking DD and I driving when I was that tired. She started in on the "well I have to be out of here by 9am and I can't wait there for you. I need you to be there and the dogs need to be locked outside before I get home." So I explained to her what I had suggested to my sister. But no, that wasn't good enough. Then in the course of the conversation she said "I don't know when I'll get out. I don't know if the doctor will come and see my over the weekend or not until Monday morning so I may get discharged at 9am or not until later in teh day". So of course, I commented on that to her, that maybe my getting there somewhere between 9:30-10am would work out. And I got told in response "they found a malignancy. I don't know how much longer I have got" and started bawling about how she is "all alone with no one to look after her and no one to care and if I couldn't come down on Sunday then I shouldn't bother at all". I so wanted to take her at her word but I couldn't do that. So I told her I was not going to put up with this bullshit. She got angry at me swearing at her. She said "I just thought you could come home from camp early so you could come down. [Sister] has been here every day last week looking after me. She needs to have her holiday so I thought you would come home early." I tried explaining DH and I had some commitments at camp and she then started on me about how she thought "I should be your commitment and your priority". I pointed out that I was taking a week off work to help her when she was first home from hospital and she sighed and sulked and said "I suppose we have to do it your way. This is about me and I have cancer but I suppose it has to be your way" and then she started crying again and going on and on about how awful I was to her and how she was all alone and all she was asking was for me to come home early. I tried to tell her that we had solutions to all of her concerns about why I needed to be there Sunday night but she kept going on and on about how no one cares and I didn't care etc so I just hung up on her.
It was so hard to do. She's my mother and she has cancer. But it was pointless continuing the conversation. I was almost in tears so it was just better to hang up. So she ruined the camp for me. I was stressed and upset the whole time because of that.
And I realised, the minute I interact with my mum I become that hurting, broken child, desperate for her love and approval, willing to give in, to do anything to make her pleased with me and terrified, grieving and hurting when I can't please her. But because I have finally tapped into my anger at her for not protecting me as a child and for being an abusive, manipulative cow, that bubbled over and I swore and her and hung up on her. But that hurting, wounded little girl is still so desperate for mum's approval. You'd think I would have learned by now I'm never going to get it. But I automatically slip into that again and I react out of that. Doing and saying what needs to be said or done so I will get mum's love and approval. I guess there are years of counselling in that before I will stop being that little girl around my mum and start being a mother, wife, grown woman who stands up for herself. There's a good chance she might die before I get there and now, how can I stand up for myself when she has cancer? How can I call her on all of the emotional abuse and manipulation without looking like a complete and utter bitch? How can I protect myself from all of that without hating myself for being cruel to a 'dying woman'?
Sigh.....just when I was feeling on top of things again.
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