Hmmm.... I was talking to mum last night and she told me that my brother is coming to her house with his family for a week from 6th November. She was wondering what I was doing for my birthday and if I wanted to go down there and see them. I told her the date rang a bell and I didn't know why. In reality we are probably going to have DD's birthday party that day as her 'best friends' will be home. But I don't want to tell mum that because she will want to come and I don't want her there. We've done the family birthday and I don't want her ruiing DD's party. She was a miserable, criticising grump for the last 2 so I want this one to be a nice one.
And I certainly don't want to see my brother and his family. And that is where my dilemma comes in... do I say to mum "whether you want to know it or not, and whether you believe it or not, he sexually abused me for years when I was a child and the thought of seeing him with his daughter makes me physically ill. I can't see that. I can't watch that."
But to say that to her makes me vulnerable to her. I will be wanting her to acknowledge what happened and her failure to protect me. I will want her to love me and care about meand sympathise and I won't get that. So I am setting myself up to hurt and failure and more grief. She will turn it into something that is all about her, and something to do with me ruining things for her when she has cancer or some such guff. And I can't do that.
Interesting to know that I recognise that in telling her I will be making myself vulnerable to her once more. I need to protect myself from her and there is that part of me that won't stop wanting her to be my mum. I wish I could stop wanting that, longing for that, because things would no doubt be different then. It would be less complex and complicated.
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