Crazy little thing called love

I've been doing some thinking over the past couple of days as it seems my happy pills really aren't enough to keep me happy. It started with an email from my mother (actually it started when the psych had to can our appointment because she was sick - I didn't realise I was actually looking forward to seeing her)... but that's another story.... that just plunged me back into the big, black pit I can't seem to escape.

My thinking has helped me to realise something... I don't think there ever will be, or could ever possibly be, enough love on this world to make up for what I missed out on as a child. That wounded inner child craves consistent, unfailing, unquenchable love and that need just can not be met. I can never be good enough. I can never achieve enough, learn enough, grow enough, own enough, be enough. I will never be good enough to have the love that I ache for. And no amount of love will ever be enough for me.

As I was writing this, this song by Tenth Avenue North came on -

By Your Side

Why are you looking for love
Why are you still searching as if I'm not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
To where will you run

And I'll be by your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Whenever you call
And please don't fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

I wish I could believe it. I want God to be enough. I think that it is probably only in Him that my need for love will be met. But deep down I believe I am unlovable and nothing has changed that feeling - no amount of praying, no amount of hoping or reading the Bible. That deep seated belief that I am unloved, unlovable and worthless doesn't change, no matter what. I wish I could trust that God's hands were holding me, here and now when I am struggling so much. But I can't. I don't.

Someone asked me today at church how I was and I got all teary. I hate it. I hate being emotional and vulnerable. I hate that being at church makes my heart ache because I feel like it just isn't for me, that I am beyond God's reach, that I am just playing a game, fooling myself into thinking maybe I could be a Christian when there is never a hope in hell that God would accept me.

And I hate that I don't know how to ask for help, how to say "I need to talk" but seriously, what am I going to say anyway?

Mostly, I am sick of praying, of wanting a relationship with God, and feeling like it is all in vain because God will never want me. Maybe that is Satan's lie, but if it is, why doesn't God answer my prayer to remove those doubts and fears?