So, today is cycle day 1, which should be an exciting and potentially happy time, because it means I am finally on the start of our ivf cycle. But all I am feeling is fear and trepidation.
It all starts for real on cycle day 11 - next Tuesday (27th) - when I start regular blood tests to monitor my hormone levels to predict ovulation.
I am just so scared about how I will cope if this cycle fails. I don't know if I will cope, if I will fall to pieces, if I do fall to pieces whether or not I'll be able to pull myself together again or how I will respond. I want to go about my life, living my life, rather than putting everything on hold while I go through the motions this cycle, but I don't know if I can.
I want to be hopeful and positive because I know there is some thought about the benefits of positive thought. But I don't dare to set myself up to hope only to have the cycle fail, as I feel I will have that much further to fall then. So then I start thinking 'well, if I am thinking that this cycle will fail so that I don't get too disappointed if it does, am I already dooming it to failure by thinking like that?" Oh, the joys of the though processes in my head...
So, what's the routine for those who don't know? The ivf people will start monitoring my bloods at cycle day 9. Normally I ovulate somewhere around cycle day 17 but because I've ovulated early the last cycle or two, they are starting at cycle day 9. They will continue to monitor my blood until a hormone surge predicting ovulation occurs and then, because we are using frozen embryos at day 5, they will do an embryo transfer 5 days after ovulation (anywhere from around cycle day 14 - 23 most likely). No drugs or anything this time, just blood tests, a blastocyst and a 'turkey baster' LOL!
A couple of people have asked me if it is different this time because we already have DD and all I can say is NO! I still desperately yearn for more children and at this stage, it seems that yearning will only be fulfilled through ivf. So, so much is riding on the outcome of this cycle. It is a HUGELY stressful and anxious time for me... but not so bad as the two week wait post implantation. Holy crap, I don't know if I can function through those 2 weeks this time.
In the last 3 days, I've heard of 2 more people who are expecting and I just want to yell "I am done! Don't tell me any more." I want the universe/God/Satan/whoever/ whatever to stop rubbing it in my face that I am not pregnant and that I don't have the child we could have had. And I think that will only stop when either I fall pregnant and have a successful pregnancy or I get so bloody old no one around me is conceiving anyway.
For those of you who are reading this and who pray, please pray for me. Pray that I can continue to live my life now and enjoy my life now, not put my life on hold. Pray that it will be a successful cycle. I know I should be praying that God's will be done but damn it, I don't want to pray that. I am praying for a successful cycle so that I don't have to go through any more grief, heartache and despair over this whole trying to conceive thing. Pray that I will have a hormone surge and will ovulate so that the cycle can go ahead and please pray that at least one of our 6 frozen embryos survive thawing to still be viable for implantation.
Thank you to all my loving, wonderful, supportive friends. I am glad each and every one of you are in my life.
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