Damn it, damn it, damn it. For someone who doesn't cry in front of anyone I've turned into a leaky bloody tap! Guess I've moved through the shock part of grieving and have hit the "cry a lot" stage..fark me!
It started yesterday at church when I gave my friend on the door a hug. She asked how I was and I burst into tears. I was still crying when another friend arrived. She took one look at me and guessed what had happened. So we stood outside talking. Another friend spotted us and came out, asked how I was and I said "fine thanks" as the tears started AGAIN! Then a little bit later I took DD to play before creche and another mum, who does know about the miscarriage, came out looked at my face, she got teary so I started crying. And then AGAIN later, after church, when I was talking to someone I hardly know. FFS!!!
Then this morning my MIL arrives. I give her a hug to say thank you for the lovely flowers she sent us. She asks how I am and I get all teary AGAIN. Then she gets teary which makes me more teary. FFS!!!!
I don't want to cry in front of people...argh! This is ridiculous...
having said that, my psych would want me to stop my head and the analyzing kicking in - "this is ridiculous" is a cognition thing. She would want me to sit and figure out how my body actually physically feels at this point in time. Sounds a bit like mumbo jumbo but makes sense in context.
So let's see....I don't think I can feel my body. Yep it's there, bum on seat, foot on timber back of computer desk... feeling emotions in my body.... OK, so there's something in my chest but I can't describe it. It's not tight, it's not burning, I don't feel sick... it's kinda hot and cold and weird. I guess I don't "do" emotions very well.
Rain, rain, go away, please don't come another day... in this context the rain is my tears. I need and want to stop crying at the drop of a hat. It isn't me. I don't do that. I don't want to do that. I hate it. Oops, that's me thinking again not just sitting with the feeling.
ps... didn't tkae sleeping tablets last night as they seem to kick in in the wee hours of the morning and make waking up the next day almost impossible. DH had to leave very early for work so I needed to be available for DD. Took a while to fall asleep but certainly not hours. Thank goodness I finally got a bit of relief from the insomnia. Fingers crossed it continues.
2 comments:
Maybe the tears are your BODY forcing you to listen to it. Seems like your friends are all ok about crying with you ( not in front of you) because it is a way of sharing grief and showing that they care.
Hang in there. The world is not as nasty a lace as it was when you are a child. It's not perfect but there are good things out there
I have to agree with everything Martina has posted Therese. Tears are OK, let them go, don't bottle them up inside doing so is not going to help you. If a person cries with you it's just a sharing of your grief so don't pull away soak up the support.
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