I am biding my time, waiting with bated breath to hear whether or not a friend will get a BFP in this round of ivf. I am so hopeful she will.
And at the same time I am dreading hearing that another friend has conceived. Which makes me feel like a total bitch. Of course I would be happy if my friend conceived BUT she was told she would never have children. She already has 2, which were conceived naturally within 2-3 months of trying each time. So I know she will be falling pregnant in no time. And of course, I will be happy for her. She is a wonderful person and a fantastic mum.
Why the difference in reaction? I can't really explain. There is just a world of grief and pain.
I don't want to be envious. I don't want to be jealous. I don't want to be sad and hurting when I learn of yet another person getting pregnant. I don't want to be that person. But it serves as a constant, painful reminder of what I don't have. It opens up the grief and heartache, makes it fresh once more. Of course I am happy for them, but it just amplifies my pain.
Being around pregnant people and newborns causes me a physical ache in my heart at the moment.
ps.... sleeping tablets didn't help. Double dose last night didn't make a difference. I can't up them any further. Will try again tonight and see what happens or I may well be back to my gp.
3 comments:
Want some biatch company?? I hope your friend, who was told she would never conceive (ooooooh :( ) and then was lucky enough to conceive two.. naturally... and they were born... and alive... and got to go home and live with her.... (lucky, lucky)... I hope she doesn't get the BFP too! See! I've never even met your friend, and I'm the biggest biatch this side of texas (or anywhere for that matter!!).
Wishin' we were sittin' sippin' and biatchin' :)
x
p.s. for those who read, who don't know my story? It all really needs to be put in context before judgement!! :)
I can guarantee Bir isn't a biatch. You gotta know the context, and you have to have been through it to understand.
lol... thanks Tess! No, you're right. But I need to revoke that comment :) It sounds really nasty. I would never wish anyone not to get a BFP (well, within reason, you know), but what I do wish is for BFPs where they are needed extra, extra more... just to even things out a bit!!
p.s. sorry to Tess's friend :) x
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