I went to see the ivf counsellor yesterday as I am still so bloody teary about this miscarriage and feel like I "should" be over it because I was after 2-3 weeks after my first miscarriage. I went with a lot of trepidation, because, you know me, I hate talking about myself and my 'stuff'. But she was good. Never before have I met someone who can out silence me... but it was a bit disconcerting as she would just sit in silence staring at me.
I spent most of the hour crying. She helped me to realise that I am actually grieving for a baby. I have told myself over and over that it was just an embryo but in my heart, I had already bonded with this "baby", despite trying to stay disconnected. I had a sense it was a boy and I had begun to make plans, have hopes and dreams for it and for us as a family. So I am grieving for a baby, plus my lost dreams and hopes and plans. I have allowed myself to be very sad and upset and hurt that I lost an embryo and a much wanted pregnancy, but I hadn't really allowed myself to grieve for the child it was to be. Talking to her about it helped. I think I will go back and see her again in a couple of weeks when I have had some time to process this.
She also suggested some things that people in similar situations do to help with the grieving process: write a letter to their baby or hold a ceremony of some sort. I wouldn't do the ceremony, but I like the idea of writing a letter. I think I will write one to each of the babies I have miscarried. I think that would be very helpful for me. I just need to find the time and space to do it when there is no DH or DD around so I have time to write, time to cry, time to mourn and find space for healing.
She also gave me a bear from Bears of Hope which was very nice, but made me bawl even more. I have also decided I am going to buy another bear for our first miscarried bub. Something that I can keep, just for me, in rememberance of another child that wasn't to be. I think the shopping for just the right bear will be very helpful and healing in itself.
One of the other things she suggested is that healing comes through talking about my experiences, my shattered hopes and dreams. I just might do that some time. I think I feel like I can't because I think people think I should be over it and also people don't know what to say so they feel uncomfortable and I don't want to make people uncomfortable.
Speaking of uncomfortable, I had a catch up meeting with my boss (male) yesterday. I am running behind on a couple of things because 1) I had a month off, with one week sick then 3 weeks for the miscarriage and 2) because my head really isn't together still and I am having a lot of trouble concentrating and writing clearly for my reports. So I thought I'd better just let him know I don't 'have my shit together' right now. I just said to him "my head is still all over the place and I am struggling to concentrate and am really not at my best just now" and started crying. Poor guy. He handed me some tissues, told me if there was anything he could do... told me I was free to take time off any time I need it without explaining. Very kind and helpful but man... do I have to cry in front of my boss???? Seriously! And then, why can't I cry with you girls who are my most lovely friends? Or even my psych who's bin seems to be permanently full of tissues?
Anyway, am crying now and am at work so had better "get my shit together".
1 comment:
Maybe one of the reasons you cant talk is that you have only told a select few about the miscarriage. That kept you safe from dealing with people's sympathy so you wouldnt cry. Seems like the counselor had some very helpful suggestions. I am so pleased for you.
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