"Don't wish, don't start....

Wishing only wounds the heart" ~Wicked.

That's how I am feeling today. I let my hopes raise and so then, of course (and note the of course cos that is important in my thought processes), the cycle failed and I am left feeling despair.

But having said that, it isn't all bad. And I know DH would kill me if he knew I was writing this where people we know could see it... but, we know I was ovulating yesterday, so I talked him into sex... so now I am hoping again. Yes, my oestrogen levels weren't high enough for them to try an embryo transfer but I am hoping that maybe they were enough... God willing.... to support a natural conception.

So stupid, stupid me is back to wishing and hoping.... you'd think I'd learn.

But I am also learning to reassess my thinking about God in all of this.. at least I am today and it's not all bad :) That's an improvement for me :) I don't understand the reasons why this cycle wasn't meant to be. Perhaps it was to allow us this opportunity to conceive naturally, but even if it turns out that's not it, I am trusting there is a reason.

So thank you to all my friends who are praying because for the first time since we started out whole trying to conceive journey 6 years ago, I haven't reacted with a huge anger at God for a failed attempt... either natural or assisted. I don't think it is a result of me maturing cos I don't really think I have matured. I think it is the supportive prayers of my wonderful friends. Thank you

One of the things the psych said to me was that even though DH doesn't necessarily seem to be listening to me, or responding how I want, I shouldn't shut him out completely. I still need to bounce things off him because otherwise it will be very damaging to our relationship. So, after I (ahem... 'got some') last night we actually had a really good talk about a whole bunch of stuff. Perhaps we should have sex more often.. seriously that was only the 2nd or 3rd time this year. And if you've read other postings on my blog, you'd know that is a serious issue and one that causes me huge distress... the abuse victim having to ask for sex and getting rejected... not good. Anyway.....

Talking was good and helpful and he said something really profound to me. We were talking about predestination (part of an ongoing conversation from the weekend that was more entertaining than serious) but then I was expressing my thoughts that if predestination exists, then I am certain deep down I am predestined not to be saved. DH suggested that if I am thinking that way, then perhaps I need to not understand myself and my thinking more, but that I need to understand who God is more. It was the most perfect thing he could say.

Perhaps he should 'get some' more often lol!

So now, I am wondering the wisdom of having shared this site with you all. But then, I shared it because I trust you and I want some people to know me 'warts and all'. So I am thinking maybe there is no reason not to share all of this too... maybe something I say might help someone else in their journey and that really is what it is all about. My going through all I have been through is useless and pointless unless I can learn from it and share it with others so they can learn and heal and grow themselves.

Might have to start a paper journal though.. so I can go back to filtering what parts of me people get to see lol!

I love you gals!