Cycle Day (CD) 13

Hmmm....highs and lows, over and over. It was really good to have a break between the blood test on the DBMFH's birthday and this next string of them because it separates this cycle away from her, which helps me feel more positive.

Yesterday I had a blood test and was expecting them to say not to worry until Monday so it was a bit of a shock to the system to get told I need to have another one today. It's funny, I can't wait for it all to start and at the same time I don't want it all to start. Although in reality, I do want it all to start. I am just scared that it will fail. I don't know if anyone ever has multiple first cycle successes... I guess there is no reason why we can't but I think the odds are hugely stacked against it.

So, I am about to get ready to go and have my next blood test. The girl who took it yesterday sucked big time. I hope she isn't the one taking it today. Fortunately today is packed full of spending time with people so I won't have a lot of time to think and worry.

I WANT to keep living my life while this happens but it is so hard not to think and wonder and hope and dream and feel anxious and scared and worried. I keep thinking "in a week or so I'll have an embryo on board" and "I wonder when it will happen", "I wonder if it will be a sticky pregnancy", "I wonder how I will cope in the two week wait". So many thoughts swirling around it feels like my head will explode and my body can't take all of the emotions.

DH is a helpless, useless pain in the butt... saying "don't think about it" and "you're worrying too much it won't help" and so yet again I feel I am in a position where I can't talk to him because he thinks my thinking and feelings are wrong. OK, so maybe my thinking isn't the most helpful thing in the world, but I'm pretty sure it is normal for people who are doing ivf, but my emotions AREN'T WRONG!!! I can't help feeling anxious and worried or excited or anything else. He truly sucks as an emotionally supportive husband.

Well, off to get ready for more blood to be taken... facing it with some trepidation. I'm going it alone without DH or DD so it can just be some me time... my favourite CD in the car, which DH hates, some time to roam the shops afterward, just a bit of breathing space for me. Cos really, it's all about me lol! DH doesn't have a single thing to do this time.. not that he did much for a full cycle either.