Thinking/ reflecting aloud... venture inside my head if you're game

I saw my psych again this evening... I feel compelled to say she is a psychologist not a psychiatrist because I think that makes me seem less loony. Anyway, it was interesting and good and gave me lots of food for thought so I wanted to get it down.

And now my mind has gone blank....

I know we were talking about me opening up to some of my friends (those of you who might read this), sharing who I am and the fact that none of you seem to have run away and I said that deep down (and no, this isn't a fishing expedition) I still wonder why on earth any of you would want to be my friend or like me in the first place, and even more so now I have shared my blog with you. She suggested that perhaps, because of my childhood and the lack of love, affection (and therefore attachment to my parents) I experienced has caused me to have one view of the world - one in which the world is scary and unsafe and for me, I think it is one where I constantly expect rejection and feel insecure and uncertain of my place and value and worth. She then suggested that people who grew up loved, supported, valued etc would have a different view of the world - one where they are secure and see the world with a positive ("rosy") outlook and some of those people are the sorts of people who like other people. And perhaps that is where you guys sit. How does that sound? Makes some sense in my head now, I think. I can live with the idea that not everyone feels like the world is such a scary, uncertain, potentially dangerous place in which their place is a tenuous one, based on a set of ever changing rules and hoops to jump through. Hmmm... lots to think on there and perhaps something to talk to her about next time.

We also, strangely enough, talked a lot about stress and anxiety. It is really, really hard to sit there saying "I don't think I'm an anxious person" when I know DH kills himself laughing at me saying that and I'm pretty sure my psych was politely trying to restrain a loud guffaw, or at least a snort. But of course I am stressed and anxious at the moment and she did validate that as something normal given where I am at with ivf. I think that helps. It's definitely more helpful than DH's "that thought pattern is unhelpful". I think perhaps he should stick his cognitive behaviour theory up, well, you know where. She said something like maybe I should give myself permission to feel this way but also work on stuff which I am pretty sure amounted to mindfulness - being present in the moment as opposed to dwelling on the stuff I can't control. Again, makes sense... not sure I can do it though.

Driving home I think I had a realisation and I guess I wonder if this is true - perhaps good mental health isn't about making all of the bad stuff go away, it is about learning how to deal with the bad stuff in a healthy and more normal way. I think I am a bit bummed by that thought. I really do want a magic cure that will remove my abusive childhood from me so that I never have to think about it, feel it, relive it etc ever again.. or ever have to see my mother or brother again, to face them, deal with what they did or in my mother's case what she continues to do, to have to face them and smile politely and act like all is OK and that nothing ever happened. Actually, I think I am more than a bit bummed about that.

I've realised I spend a lot of time watching Law & Order SVU and I realised that what I am waiting for is for 'Olivia' or 'Elliot' say something to one of the 'victims' that is the magic phrase I am waiting for. The one that:
* stops me feeling dirty and guilty
* stops me feeling ashamed
* makes it all go away
* makes me feel normal and human
* lets me forgive myself
* removes my brokenness
* stops me from wanting to hide away from the world
* stops me from thinking about self harm
* stops the other intrusive thoughts I am so ashamed of
* heals me so none of this is ever an issue again
* takes away all of the pain and grief, heartache and despair
* lets me believe the world is a safe place
* lets me trust in a good and loving God, without constant doubts
* stops me dwelling in the past
* stops the flashbacks and sleepless nights
* takes away the wall I put up whenever anyone hugs me - I feel myself emotionally shut down and it is like a solid wall between me and that person
* lets me trust that my friends genuinely do like me and to not doubt that or them
* makes me feel worthwhile
* makes me feel like I matter, that I am loved and lovable
* makes me feel whole
* heals the wounded child within so she can emerge whole, strong, confident, healthy, loved, loving and beautiful

OK, so now I've just listed all the things I want changed, and realised that there is nothing that can do that, no magic pill, bullet or sentence, I am feeling very, very down.