To go to work or not to go to work...

That's the question I am facing, or was, until I saw my psych today and shared my journalling with her. So I thought I'd write it here as well

I am stuck facing the question of whether or not to go to work on Monday.

Physically I am OK and there is no reason not to, but emotionally I don't think I am ready. But then, if I went to work I would just suck it up and get on with it and I know I would be fine. I went back after 2 weeks last year and I was OK. Maybe I need to get back into routine to help me feel better.

But I am still feeling very teary. I cry myself to sleep some nights or wake up with tears on my cheeks in the night. I feel like I should be over the miscarriage by now. It wasn't a real baby, just an embryo that failed to develop. I've cried and been sad. It should be enough. I should be done and over it now.

Perhaps by staying home another week I am just wallowing and being self-indulgent. DH thinks I should go back. He's had it in his head that I set myself a time limit of 2 weeks and then I'd get on with things.

But I also had plans. My plan was that in my second week off I would take DD for long walks or bike rides to kick start exercising. And that I would change my horrendously bad diet. That I would take time to spring clean the laundry and my craft room. Basically do a thorough overhaul of my lifestyle, spring clean to start afresh. But the trip to Tamworth and the weather have prevented that. I don't feel I can make the changes if I am back at work. I need to make those changes, especially the lifestyle ones, because what I am doing now is so unhealthy. It is an expression of my hurt and anger and self-loathing at this body that has failed me over and over. I want to change, I need to change, but just getting stuck back into normal routine won't allow me to make those changes. I need to start making healthy choices.

I feel like people will think I am a failure or a malingerer if I don't go back to work. I don't want to be judged for the decisions I make.

Telling my psych all of this this morning, she validated my feelings. She also suggested that if someone were to take holidays, it really takes about 3 weeks to unwind, relax and all of that and she pointed out that I wasn't on holidays, I was grieving a planned child, a baby who had become part of my hopes, dreams and life and that there is no time limit to grief. If people need 3 weeks rec leave, surely there is nothing wrong with 3 weeks off after a miscarriage. Her words helped and I realised that I feel stressed if I think of going back to work on Monday but relax a bit if I think of having an extra week off.

So that is what I am doing.