A big black hole is....
what I saw at my 8 week ultrasound
what I fell into the past couple of days
I had my eyes closed for the start of the ultrasound as I really didn't want to hear "I'm sorry" like last time, but as the sonographer moved the probe around on my tummy I opened my eyes to see a big black hole in the midst of the speckled grey. It was an empty gestational sac.
Consequently I fell into a big black hole of depression, despair, hopelessness. It isn't a good place to be. I pulled myself part way out of it today to spend some time with some lovely friends but I am back in that pit, exhausted, spent, done. Feeling so cheated because of all the symptoms, especially the morning sickness which is still present. I feel so incredibly sad and so much grief at the lost hope, lost plans, lost opportunity, lost future. I am devastated that it happened again, in the same way. Mostly though I feel despair at the thought of never having another child. There are no words for that.
I am waiting for tomorrow to come so I can go see my doctor and find out what my options are as I haven't' started to miscarry yet. If last time is anything to go by it didn't happen until 11 weeks. I am not waiting that long.
I just need this over.
2 comments:
OMG Tess, I'm so, so sorry. I've been waiting for your post, waiting to hear how wonderful it all is, so I'm so shocked and saddened to read this. I can only imagine how devastated you are. I have no words to make it better for you. I'm just so sorry :(
Here for you if you want to rant and rave, or whatever, whenever.
xxx
dear friend. It was good to see you on Sunday.
How did you go today?
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