Well, I went to the clinic at the hospital this morning. I think it is SO WRONG that you have to go to the obstetrics clinic to book in and then you go to a different bit but it is the overflow of the antenatal clinic so I was surrounded by happily pregnant women, alone in my pain and grief, not that anyone knew that's how I was feeling. What do you say? I'm not happy for them. I am jealous. I wanted that to be me... big, fat, waddling, happy, joyous, expecting. They really need to rethink how they manage people who are miscarrying.
I opted for the tablets rather than the D&C. I could have had it tomorrow but I would have just had to wait around the hospital until they had space on the operating list for me and I didn't really feel like that. I'd have had to fast from tonight in case I got seen first up, but I may not have been seen until late tomorrow so that wasn't appealling. Given that we already have unexplained infertility issues, I decided not to go with surgery which has a small chance of causing more. So, I took the tablets. First lot taken half an hour ago. I have to take a second lot in 4 hours. They will make the miscarriage happen soon.... with pain and heavy bleeding. Oh joy. Life truly sucks sometimes but at least it will be done.
I had a dream last night that my pscych was pregnant. That would be all I need. I see her Friday for the first time in 5 or 6 weeks. Not sure I want to go. Don't know what to say.
2 comments:
Thinking of you T. I did the tabs too. Your body knows what to do. I personally think you made the right decision (not that there is a wrong one) in not taking the risks associated with D & C unless you need to. The tabs work better, apparently, when your body is ready to let go of things anyway, so just be aware that if your levels are still high it might take a little bit longer (I actually traced my levels down over three weeks before taking the tabs, but it's not the most fun way to do it). I don't know if any of that is helpful, but just know that I'm here. Always. And thinking of you.
Take this time to say goodbye and grieve. Maybe do something special.
I so get what you say about not being happy for them. I do get it. It's not a nice feeling, all that envy, jealousy, anger. I get it. It's ok. No, it's not acceptable to the outside world, but it's understandable in here.
x
:(
Thinking of you. You are absolutely right in what you say about the clinic. It should be a gynae clinic or a special early pregnancy problems clinic. That's what they do near me.
Feel as jealous as you like. Of course you want to be them. Sounds perfectly reasonable to me
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