Death by a thousand cuts

How much more am I meant to take?

You'll get over it
You'll have another baby
You just need to relax and it will happen
It'll be OK
Give it time
At least you have one child
It wasn't meant to be
Something wasn't right
It's nature's way

There is nothing, no words, no actions, nothing that can or will help..... except time and it is stretching out before me in a big black pit of quicksand just waiting to swallow me up, one slow, painful step at a time.

I didn't realise I had made so many plans for this baby. I thought I was staying detached, disconnected, but it turns out without realising it, I had made a whole bunch of plans in my head and now I have to grieve them as well as this child that wasn't to be... yet another child that wasn't meant to be.

I loved being pregnant. I welcomed and embraced the morning sickness, the tingling breasts, the bloated stomach and the extreme tiredness. I loved being pregnant because it meant my long hoped for second child was on its way. My dreams of a larger family were going to be fulfilled. I felt so much joy.

I also loved being pregnant because of the buffer it placed around my wounded, bruised and broken heart. It gave me a buffer against the "we weren't trying to get pregnant" and the "the baby wasn't part of our plans". It gave me a buffer against the 10 babies that have arrived this year and counting, at a time when I should have had mine. It gave me a buffer against the pain that never goes away. And now that buffer is gone. All that is left is a great big gaping hole full of grief, longing and despair, with a pain that will never leave, an ache that can never be soothed and a longing that will never be fulfilled.

don't wish
don't hope
don't yearn
don't plan
don't long
don't expect
don't want
don't believe
don't desire
don't trust
don't imagine
don't seek
just don't
there is nothing to be gained.

The world seems a very dark place right now.


For those who want details, my hcg levels are still very high hence the still "enjoying" morning sickness. I have an appointment at the hospital's early pregnancy clinic tomorrow to talk about my options of waiting for it to happen naturally, tablets or a D&C. That's all I know for now.

As for ivf, they will need to check my bloods to make sure my hcg levels fall to below 5 and then we can start again after my next period, if I am emotionally ready. Who knows what we will decide to do.