Feeling stuck and blocked and crappy

I had my psych appointment yesterday. I didn't really want to go because I didn't really want to talk about anything, well, the miscarriage if I am honest. So I go with a plan to not say anything about it and our conversation goes like this:

Psych: "How are you?"
Me: "OK"
Psych: "So how is the pregnancy going?"

Oh well, so much for not discussing it! Probably as good a start as any to our conversation. I felt very teary and a lot of grief but I just can't cry in front of her. And I think that is why I am feeling stuck or blocked. It's like this barrier is there and I can't break through it and so I can't move anywhere. Too much energy goes into not crying. So I am stuck.

I am stuck not knowing what to do about my mother who just pushes all the wrong buttons and just can't or won't be a real mother to me, or not the mother I want. I feel a lot of anger when I think about her at the moment, anger that she sucked so much as a mum when I was growing up, anger that she didn't protect me, anger that she isn't the mother I want or need. But of course, it isn't OK to get angry at her so I just bottle it up. No wonder my neck and shoulders are like bricks from stress.

I am stuck about my brother and whether or not I want to have anything to do with him. I've talked to him a couple of times recently, to congratulate him on the birth of his daughter (which makes me feel physically sick every time I think of it), when he got our present for her and for his birthday. We don't normally talk that often, or maybe about 3-4 times a year, so it's been extra contact. Talking to him about breastfeeding, getting their daughter to sleep, colic and all of that feels so ikky and so wrong. I get flashbacks to his abuse and I can't stand it.

I just feel stuck in every part of my life. I want to be a stay at home mum, but can't even contemplate it until our house is built and this one sold and then we see how we are financially. I had made plans to take 12 months maternity leave again and then look to getting another 12 months leave without pay to give me a chance to experience being a stay at home mum but having the job security to go back to just in case. I found after DD, going back to work part time after 12 months helped with my depression because it gave me structure and routine; that's why I would like some job security in case being a stay at home mum doesn't work for me and my depression.

I feel stuck about trying to conceive. I know I need time to grieve this loss before we think about it again but I can't help but wonder when we will be able to afford to go back again. I should have had a bub by now. It should have been 6 months old. It's not fair. I know all these mums who are putting their 3-4 month olds in child care 2-3 days a week and going back to work and I want to smack them around their heads and say 'don't you realise how lucky you are? don't you realise how precious your child is? It deserves the best of you. You don't need the new car and the big tv but your child needs you'. I know it's wrong to feel like that but it just hurts me that they have what I so desperately long for and they don't seem to value it.

And I can't pray. I just cry when I try. It's because I believe that if God is omnipotent then He should have been able to intervene in one of these pregnancies and ensured that it continued to term. You hear stories of God miraculously intervening in all sorts of situations; surrounding missionaries with angels so that their attackers don't see a lone person but rather a crowd, rescuing people from near death and if you believe every story in the bible, He healed blind and lame people and lepers and even brought a couple of people back to life. If He has the power to do all of that, why didn't He protect me from the years of abuse as a child, why doesn't He cure my infertility seeing there is absolutely no reason for it anyway and why didn't He allow one of these embryos to develop into a healthy, normal full term baby? I believe He can do that. I want to know why He didn't. And it hurts. It hurts to feel abandoned by Him and wonder what I have done that He won't protect or help me.

I just feel stuck. I've felt stuck for a long time; my depression isn't getting any better. I guess after 2 years and 9 months it isn't post natal depression any more, it's just plain depression. I am just putting one foot in front of the other and plodding along.

But, I should also acknowledge some good and positive stuff. I was talking to the psych about how I went and spent some time with my crafting friends on Sunday and how wonderful and helpful some of you have been, like my lovely friend Heather who offered to take the place of my mother any time I need her to and Martina whose comforting presence on Sunday was just what I needed and such a soothing balm to my grieving heart. I have come a long, long way in the last 3-4 years in letting people in to my life, to share my journey, and letting you care for me. It still feels foreign and a bit uncomfortable at times because I am not used to being cared for, of allowing myself to feel cared for or loved, but it has made a lot of difference to me. You ladies are wonderful and I know how truly blessed I am to have found such trustworthy, loving, caring, generous friends. I am truly grateful to you all.

I have woken up this morning in quite a bit of pain again. I thought the worst of it was over after about 12 hours from taking the tablets on Wednesday. It was a horrendous 12 hours - like extreme period pain or even labour cramps - but then it was a lot better. But I have woken up this morning with really bad pain again and bleeding quite a bit so I am feeling bummed and sad and not really knowing what to do about it or myself just at the moment. DH is at work, finalising what needs to be done for the training he is delivering on Mon and Tuesday, I have taken pain killers that leave me woozy as and am trying to care for DD when all I want to do is sleep.