So I've gone from hopeful to depressed to OK to feeling depressed today. A lot of it is to do with the anxiety of not knowing if I am pregnant or not and just NEEDING to know.
The rest of it is just, since going to counselling this time, I've realised just how much my lack of attachment to mum, all of her emotional abuse and manipulation and her inability to want or try to protect me from my brother has affected me here and now, and throughout my life. I didn't realise quite how far reaching it has been but I am beginning to understand a lot of who I am and why I think and act the way I do and so much of it is because of my mother.
Last night I had a horrible thought. I was praying and I prayed that maybe she learned something from the message at church and then i realised, I don't want her to be a christian and that led me to realise I don't feel any love for her at the moment, just duty, obligation and responsibility. I don't like this at all. I should love her. She is my mother. I think I want to love her. I think, until recently I did love her.
And I was so tempted to tell her about the embryo transfer because she is my mother and I am stressed and anxious and I want her to be my mother, but logic and reality kicked in and I knew it wasn't worth it so I didn't.
1 comment:
I dont think it's time yet. First you need to be allowed to get angry with her. Really angry. And realise that it is not your fault that she doesn't act as if she loves you, it's hers. A long time after that it might be time to love her just because you are a compassionate person. Not because she deserves it. Just because you choose to . But trust? Thats a whole nother question. And it's not time yet my friend
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