The unrealism of it all

I thought I would write this mostly so I will remember to talk to the psych about it, as it is bothering me a bit.

I have this sense of almost being floating out of my body and just watching the process as far as my pregnancy is concerned. It is hard to explain and I think it comes from a couple of things.

One day while I was in the dreaded, horrible two week wait I opened my Bible to Psalm 63. My Bible is one of those women's ones that has regular devotionals in it. On the page opposite Psalm 63 it had a devotional titled "Why don't women have pouches". I had a quick glance at it, realised it was about babies and wasn't going to read it as I was so stressed and anxious and worried this embryo transfer would fail. But after reading Psalm 63 I decided to read it. It was talking about how we as humans have a need to control things and our inability to control something causes fear and then we feel a need to meddle. The author of the study was writing about how one lady had said to her "I just wish we had pouches like kangaroos so I could watch my baby grow and know it was OK". The author went on to say that the creation of a human is God's work and God's work alone. (I will look up and write out the couple of sentences that really stood out to me later).

I came back to that study a couple more times in the following days and even since getting my positive pregnancy result. Those words, above, are words of complete reassurance to me. Since reading that I have had a very real sense of God working to knit together this precious miracle in my womb. I have been feeling calm because I know it is God's work and His alone and there is nothing I can do to assist it. But I have also had this real sense of being outside of my body and watching this process. I don't know if it comes from this sense of peace and trust in God or something else.

The something else that I am wondering about is whether it is a protection mechanism. Because I am fearful about the possibility of another miscarriage, I am wondering if the distance, or disconnection, I am feeling between myself and my pregnancy may be a way to protect myself from the grief if this pregnancy doesn't stick.

But I don't know and I am finding it a bit disconcerting, or worrying, this feeling of floating outside of myself and just observing.

Perhaps it is just because it has been one hell of a week work wise and I am exhausted so nothing feels right or real.

I have had to cancel my next psych appointment and I don't yet know if I can reschedule or if I will have to wait a month. Hopefully reschedule so I can talk to her about this.