Tiredness and counselling

Never before have I been so happy to feel so tired. I was extremely tired in the first trimester of DD's pregnancy, to the point where I would get home from work and fall asleep before tea was even cooked. I have been feeling fairly tired the last 2 days and today, it's not 3:45pm and I am done in. So, I am very happy to be feeling this way. But oh I wish I could go home and sleep.... sleep.... ahhh bliss; to snuggle up in a warm, cozy bed in a little nest of blankets and freshly washed sheets.

As for counselling, we talked quite a bit about my mother. The psych thinks that I have never grieved for the mother I wanted but didn't have and mentioned that I need to do that, and then accept the mother I do have. I know I have felt sad about not having a mother some times, like all the times I want to tell her something and want her to be my mother and then remember she can't be and won't be, so I can't tell her anything. But I think the psych is right. I don't think I have ever truly grieved for my mother. And I certainly have never gotten angry at her or with her. Frustrated yes but truly angry, no. I always seem to find a reason why I shouldn't be angry or why it is my fault because "we don't do things like that". The conditioning of my emotions from my childhood is amazing. I found it really bizarre talking to the psych and when she asked me why I hadn't been angry at mum ever I said "because it's not appropriate or acceptable and we don't do things like that". It was like I was speaking something I had heard so many times before and yet I don't remember ever being told that. It was just an implied rule I think. So I don't know how to go about grieving for my mum. It's not like she is truly gone and there is a grave I can stand at and see the finality.

Finality was something else the psych mentioned - by grieving for my mum I am accepting the finality of what I expected (or hoped or wanted) my relationship with mum to be like. If I grieve for her then I am accepting the finality of that, and I can't do that because there is still that wounded inner child holding on to hope. Hope that mum will truly be my mum and that she will love me and nurture me as I need and want, both now as an adult and also as a child. So hope won't let go and it won't let me grieve because if there is finality then there is no hope.

I don't even know how to begin that process. I think I will need some time to think and process all of this. I got the impression from the psych that because my emotions are so dissociated from my body, it may well take a while. The psych asked me what happens in my body when I feel a 'negative' emotion and all I could give her was the thoughts that accompany the emotion "it is weak to feel sad", "there's no reason to feel sad" "get over it" etc... I honestly couldn't tell her what a feeling felt like in my body (eg, butterflies in my stomach, tingling, warm all over... whatever feelings go with emotions). I couldn't even do it with positive emotions I am that disconnected. Hmmmm... scary to realise how disconnected I am. So now I am left wondering how others experience emotions and also, I am meant to be observing my body, feeling the feelings in a detached way (eg, "oh, I feel warm or my heart is racing or whatever). Who knew I had so much to learn and just what an emotional cripple I am lol!

ps, did I mention I am pregnant??????