D-day part 2

I am hopeless. I went to the psych today with it all planned that I would finally be real and honest and all of that and I get there and this is how it goes

psych: "How's your morning been?"
me: "fine"
psych: "what's been happening in the past week?"
me: "nothing much"
psych: "so, we were going to talk about your blog"
me: "yeah"
psych... waiting... waiting....

I eventually just laughed and said "I am so hopeless. I decided to talk to you today and then I get here and I just can't do it".

So then we talked about why I can't talk... all has to do with how I grew up and how we always had to present a happy, 'everything is normal' face to the world and couldn't talk about anything bad at all etc...

Then I finally talked to her about a couple of my blog posts - the one about psychs cos that really explains some of why I struggle so hard to talk to her and the one about my realisations to do with mental health and watching SVU.

I don't know what I think now. I am guessing I will need some time and space to process. Mostly we just talked about those posts and what it was like to experience some of my experiences.

She did say she wants me to notice the language I use because I tend to say things like "I'm a nut job" or "headcase" quite a lot. She wants me to look for patterns in the things I say either here, in my journal or internally. So it's pretty funny that I started this post with "I am hopeless".

Isn't it funny that I am quite happy to listen to my head and all of the negative things I tell myself.. but I won't listen to my head when it tells me stuff like "I didn't do anything wrong. The abuse wasn't my fault and I don't need to feel responsible or ashamed". I wonder why it is so easy to listen to the negative and dismiss the 'rational'?

Now I am just waiting for D-day part 3 - the phone call from ivf to tell me we are good to go, although mostly I am expecting a "your hormones seem to be doing something a bit strange.." followed by "cancelled cycle". I am such a pessimist! I want to be an optimist but I don't want to get my hopes up. Is that even possible?