I am torn between these 2 friends.
I KNEW my brother's partner was pregnant. I KNEW they would be having a baby about now but somehow I managed to deny the reality of it for all that time. Until I get smacked about the head with the birth of their baby girl. Why did it have to be a girl? Somehow I just always assumed it wouldn't happen. How dumb can I be? It's not that I wished them to lose their baby because I didn't and couldn't but I guess I just didn't want to 'connect the dots' in my head. Didn't want to acknowledge the reality of my brother having a child. And of course it had to be a girl... of course. Just had to be.
Hope... my other friend....
I had a blood test yesterday at CD12 to give us an idea of when we would need to do more. I was really surprised when the nurse phoned yesterday afternoon to tell me that I needed another blood test today. So I go in this morning to have it and she told me my estrogen (the hormone that failed me last cycle) was already at 500... that is the lowest they look at it for an FET... now it SHOULDN'T be that high at CD 12, or not in my books because I have a 32 day cycle so it shouldn't rise until closer to CD18... but of course, hope has crept in. Hope that maybe this cycle will be "IT". Hope that maybe this time we will get to FET and a successful pregnancy. And I don't want to hope. I now have to wait and see what today's result is. Wait and see what and when (or if) my LH levels surge and progesterone does whatever it is meant to do. So I am waiting and I can't stop that little gem of hope to build.
I DON'T WANT TO HOPE. GO AWAY!
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