Too many storms

Broken
Battered
Bruised
Beaten
Defeated
Exhausted
Without hope
Done

Too many storms
Too many trials to weather
Too much to endure-

my brother had a baby
DH wants to chuck in his job
about to start ivf cycle again
about to build a house
my brother had a baby girl
horrendous intrusive thoughts
a baby girl
exhausted from being so sick
DH and no job
= no money
= no ivf
= how the hell do we build a house
scared for DH
feeling responsible his mental health
having to always be the strong one

That was how I was feeling last night. At the absolute edge of coping. Done. Completely, utterly spent.

And then I read this from The Word for Today-

'...He will take care of you...' "Psalm 55:22 NLT
Gladys Aylward, missionary to China more than fifty years ago, was forced to flee when the Japanese invaded Yuncheng. With only one assistant, she led a hundred orphans over the mountains toward free China. During the journey she grappled with fear. After passing a sleepless night she faced the morning with no hope of reaching safety. A thirteen-year-old girl in the group reminded her of their much-loved story of Moses and the Red Sea. 'But I am not Moses,' Gladys sighed in despair. 'Of course you aren't,' the girl said, 'but God is still God!' When Gladys and the orphans made it through, they proved once again that no matter how inadequate we feel, God is still God, and we can still trust Him.

Sometimes God calms the storm, other times He lets the storm rage and calms us. Either way, He sustains us and brings us through. We always have a choice: either we give the burden to God or we try to carry it ourselves. How does God provide for us? One day at a time. Remember the Israelites in the wilderness? Each day God fed them by sending manna from heaven. Notice how it worked. The number of people in your family determined the amount of manna you received, no more and no less. And God would only allow you to collect enough for each day; if you tried to hoard more, it rotted. Getting the idea? So trust God for today and leave tomorrow in His hands. 'Give your burdens to the Lord, and He will take care of you.' (Psalm 55:22 NLT)

And so I went to bed and read Psalm 55 and I prayed all of those words I wrote at the start of this post. And I found peace and calm in the midst of all the turmoil and despair. It is the first time I have felt truly sheltered by God and all I could say was "let me rest in the shelter of Your wing". I am grateful to God for answering that prayer, that need, at a time when I couldn't go on and didn't know what I was going to do.

Things are no better this morning but I am trying to continue to trust in God and rest in Him. There is quietness in my heart despite the turmoil and uncertainty. I have never truly believed I am loved and accepted by God but last night I began to get a glimmer that maybe, just maybe, I am. No one else, no where else, could that peace and calm have come from.